Kate wrote:
In message , Ericka
Kammerer writes

I don't see why you would have to create so much
together time. My inclination would be to try to jiggle
his sleep times so that she has a little time when she
gets home from school to reconnect with you without him,
and then some time after his bedtime to play in a more
extended way with you. Is Dad around any of this time
so you can divide and conquer a bit? Then, it's perfectly
reasonable for her to play on her own for a bit while you
keep DS out of her hair. He has to learn to do that--it's
not unreasonable of you or her to require it of him. It's
also reasonable for your daughter to learn to be a bit
forgiving that he doesn't always understand or play by
all the rules at less than 2 years old. On the
weekends, arrange some one-on-one time with each of them.

We do divide and conquer at the weekends, interspersed with family time.
The problem on weekdays is that DH isn't home until 6.30. He used to be
home at 5 but got made redundant before Christmas and his new job is a
longer commute. I think I still haven't adjusted to this. I'd been so
used to having him home and doing stuff with one of them (not to mention
making their tea).

Ah, yes, doesn't it drive you batty when you get
accustomed to a schedule and then the rug gets pulled out
from under you?! The kids were probably accustomed to
that as well, which probably exacerbates the problem.
Having the cavalry arrive at 5pm goes a long way towards
handling the witching hour.


Changing DS's sleep times is a good idea. At the moment he wakes at
5.30, naps for up to 2.5 hours around 1 to 2.30 and goes to bed at 7. If
I could move his nap later so he'd be asleep when we go to get her from
school and a bit afterwards, that would give her and me a bit of time.
She stopped napping altogether at 14 months so I've been viewing his nap
as something that might vanish at any moment, but perhaps it won't.

Hey, my first two napped until they were 5 years old,
and my third will be three in a few months and is still napping
strong. I would definitely try to skew his schedule later.
(Heck, I'd have done that ages ago just because I'd do anything
to avoid a 5:30am wakeup call! ;-) ) Given your husband's
work schedule, I think it would pay dividends all around.
DS would get to see more of him, you'd get some more one-on-one
time with DD when she gets home from school, and maybe you'd
move the witching hour a little later too.

When you have multiple kids, I think you have to
find some balance of play alone time, play together time,
family time, and one-on-one time with each parent. I wouldn't
attempt to maximize your family time at the expense of all
the others. I'd just shoot for a balance.

That makes sense but if the younger one is incapable of being left alone
at all, I reckoned the option of all doing something together seemed
preferable to DD playing alone all the time until daddy gets home. Also
on the weekdays I don't work (I work 3 days of school hours), I've spent
the whole day one-on-one with DS and I'd quite like a change!

I'm not saying she has to play alone the *whole*
time, but if you strategically place the bits of alone
play you don't have to come up with as many strategies for
together play ;-) If you can move DS's schedule later,
so that you and DD get that together time right after
school, I suspect that will feel like more of a break to
you as well.

I doubt you will
find a terribly long list of activities that are absolutely
fabulous for both an almost 5yo and an almost 2yo. They
each deserve *some* time tailored towards their specific
needs. You're hamstrung a bit by the toddler requiring
so much hands-on care just from a safety perspective, but
that will get better fairly rapidly.

Promise??!!

Really ;-) Do you have an outdoor space where
he could play without you having to be on top of him
(like an enclosed back yard with a window overlooking
it? It won't be too long before he could play outside
in that scenario and you could have a little time with
DD while overseeing through the window. Just put really
tempting toys out there (water play, sand play, other
messy play--that should get him going!). Getting them
outside seems to really help that witching hour around
here. Actually, maybe that would be another activity
that would help. Around here, the older boys love
nothing more than some time in the back yard playing
basketball, and while my now-almost-3yo can't really
play *with* them, she's happy as a clam to be in the
back yard with a ball and a little hoop of her own.
It's good physical activity and fresh air for all of
them, and a moment of peace for me as long as the
back yard is well secured so she can't escape (she's
quite the runner, and the older kids aren't always
great at knowing where she is, so I have to make sure
the gates are latched and keep an eye/ear out. Still,
I'm not chasing and refereeing, so I'm happy.

Best wishes,
Ericka