Penny Gaines wrote:

I think the real problem is that you have two babies (no matter how
big
he seems compared to the 2mo, the 19mo is still a baby), and almost
everyone would find it hard to cope. You are probably both stressed
out,
and it is possible your wife has postnatal depression as well.

That's probably true.


He's just found that life no longer revolves aroud him, and he's
probably
having a hard time adjusting. Possibly when he is with you, you are
not
also in sole charge of the baby, but when he is with your wife, she
is
trying to look after another child too. That is, the reason you
aren't
getting the tantrums is because he isn't jealous that the baby is
stealing
his time with you.

The strange thing is that with me that really doesn't happen. I often
look after both of them alone and even when both of them want to be
fed at the same time, or the older one wants my attention, I can
usually
redirect him and stop his whining until I am finish with the new born
and can pay some attention to the 19 month old.

I don't think that is an unreasonable ideal for day care use: OTOH,
you
aren't looking after him for the rest of the time, so you can look at
it in
a different light to the way your wife is looking at it. Also, if
she is
exhausted, she probably isn't thinking straight: maybe she would be
happy
with shorter time, but doesn't think a daycare would offer it.

We'll I'm not oppose to daycare if we are in agreement as to why we are
sending him there. If it becomes so overwhelming for her, then we
really
have no choice, and daycare would be the next best option. I just
don't want to send him there if the reason is because she thinks it
would
be good for him to learn and be with other kids, and by not doing so we
would put him at a disadvantage in his later years. I think at 19
months
the main reason for daycare is to care for the child, not to stimulate
and teach him. If you look at their daytime schedule, the interaction
or play time is usually for half and hour in the morning and half and
hour during the afternoon. And the teaching time is usually for
an hour to hour and a half in the morning. All the other times are for
diaper changes, lunch preparation, lunch time, pre nap, and 2 1/2 hour
of naptime.


One option she could consider is perhaps getting a mother's help for
a
few hours a day. That way, the mother's help could take the older
child out
so he isn't bored and give your wife the time she wants with the
baby.

Do you have any suggestions about how to go about getting a mother's
helper?
Do we just put an ad or is there a place that would have pre screened
candidates?



It's possible that your wife is feeling guilty that the baby isn't
getting
the same attention that she gave the older one, and the only way she
can see
to do this is to send the older one someone else.


No, I don't think so. She really plays with the babies alot. She's
always
reading to them, playing the toys with them, posing them for pictures,
taking them outside , doing singing and dancing, etc.
She probably pays them too much attention. Her problem only recently
started
because the whining and crying has got to such a point that he's
totally
frustrated and can't take it anymore (in my opinion).



I think this is nothing to do with whether daycare is in the best
interests
of your children, and has a huge amount to do with your wife feeling
exhausted, over-stretched and unappreciated. From what you have
written,
there is a certain air of "look at *all* I do, and how little she
does", and
if you discuss this issue with her like that, she probably feels you
don't appreciate that she may well be runing round trying to keep two

demanding little tryants happy, and have no idea what it is like for
her -
and you don't. I'm not trying to belittle what you do, but when you
have
a single baby, you get lots of time off- eg when the baby is napping
- but
when you add the second child, you don't have that time off. She is
on call
the entire time you are at work, she doesn't even get coffee breaks.


Yes, I think thats the consensus from most of the replys. I don't mean
to
appear that I'm doing alot more and she's doing alot less. In fact,
before she started insisting on daycare, she was doing most of the
work.
Only recently have I begun taking care of both of them when I get off
work. This way at least she'll have some free time and either go out
of the house to the gym or shopping or whatever, or get some sleep or
just relax.

I'm looking for sound advice and an objective third point of view so
I can assess and make a judgement as to whether to give in and send
our son to daycare, or hold firm and only send him only if necessary.