Tomwaters wrote:


I think you're right about being overwhelmed. When we talked I told
her
that I won't mind sending the older child to daycare if the reason is
she needs a break, but she always insists that it's the best thing
because
he needs to interact with other kids and be exposed to other things to
get stimulated and not bored.

But if she admits that it's because she's overwhelmed,
then she's admitting to being an "inadequate" mother. She may
feel a need to frame it as something that's best for the child
in order to salvage some dignity for herself, especially if
she's struggling with postpartum depression. You may need to
tread very carefully to find a compromise solution.

I don't want to send the child to
daycare for that reason because I think it's too early. Aside from the
different view point about whether it's good for him or not, I just
don't think we can afford it on a permanent basis, especially if both
kids go to day care from
toddler to kindergarden.

The finances are a very viable concern. Clearly, it is
not necessary for your toddler to be in full time daycare for
him to be properly socialized. Equally clearly, having him
in daycare is not having strangers raise him and isn't some
sort of awful thing. Personally, while I'm not anti-Montessori
in general, I'd beware of buying into the notion that your
toddler really needs to be in it five full days a week. If
they're really pushing that, I'd be skeptical. I understand
that some Montessori schools push that, but honestly, the
child's only 19 months old. I rather suspect that something
short of full time (combined with appropriate care for
PPD, if your wife has it) will provide sufficient respite,
especially as the new baby gets older, at a cost that isn't
so burdensome to your family.
I wouldn't get too didactic about how many hours
when. Different kids are different and thrive on different
things. My third will go off to a 3 hour, 2 days/week
program just after she turns 2 years old. She's very
social and thrives on being around other kids and structured
activities and I'll be thrilled for her to have those
experiences while I get a few hours to get some other
stuff done without tending to the needs of a very active
toddler. I don't think it'll harm her a bit. In fact, I
think it will be quite beneficial for her, though I don't
think all 2yos need to be in such programs and some 2yos
won't really be ready for one.
I think you really have to separate out your issues
here. One is that your wife is overwhelmed, possibly
complicated by PPD. You've obviously tried to deal with
that by providing a lot of support while you're home, but
you can't really do anything about the long day while
you're gone. Some additional resources seem in order,
both to provide some respite and to evaluate whether
PPD is a problem. I don't think you can further address
the question of the toddler's needs until you make some
progress on the first set of issues. I'd be looking to
put a temporary situation in place until those can be
dealt with.

Best wishes,
Ericka