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Old March 25th 04, 01:26 AM
Daniel
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Default Update: Problems with 14yr old sister...

"Tiffany" wrote in message
...

Daniel daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom wrote in message
...
Here is an update on what has happened so far. I finally got the chance

to
talk to her last night (she keeps putting that kind of stuff off & I

think
it ended with more of a "to be continued" than anything else). She said
that she's noticed a change in me since I've got with my girlfriend,

though
she admitted that what she was seeing wasn't a bad change. She talked
though as if she wasn't talking but someone else was talking through her

&
she was giving the thoughts they put into her head. She tried to argue

that
I don't spend as much time at the computer any more. I explained to her
that the main reason I did before is because I didn't have much else to

do
(wont go into the details of it on this post...but basically my whole

life,
mainly growing up, I've been forced into having to put all my time &
attention into something because there wasn't anything/anyone else worth
being around until more recently with her...& even then it was durring

any
time I wasn't with her). She also said that she thinks my girlfriend

has
changed the way I dress. This because since I've met her, I've found 2
shirts that have dragon pictures on them, rather than the usual plain

solid
or stripped that I'd normally wear. I explained to her that she didn't

get
them for me but simply showed me that they were at the store we happened

to
be in at the time (& she recognized that I might like them based on many

of
the video games that I've played). My sister did agree on this after I
explained it to her (& 2 shirts isn't hardly changing someone's look).

She
also tried to argue also that I'm neglecting my responsibilities (but
couldn't give any example...& then finally agreed in more of a

confused/"why
did I say that"/"what did I even mean by that" that this wasn't true.

She
asked that I remind her to do the dishes or other chores & not yell at

her
for not doing them...but then immediately recognized that not only have

I
not yelled at her for not doing her chores (I simply don't give her as

much
allowance for it...she gets allowance based on a percentage of how much

she
does vs. how much I do..& I let her do as much as she wants so she could

get
double the amount, & she agrees that allowance is payment for work done,

not
a gift, & doesnt have a problem with the way I do it), but I also have
reminded her many times & she still didn't get them done (remind her to

do
something mid day Saturday, she's home all day & reminded her sunday

too,
then didnt do it Monday & finally did a last minute half-assed job

Tuesday
morning before leaving). She then brought up the fact that we've not

spent
much time together lately, however she agreed that I've given her the

chance
& she's chosen to be gone until late in the evenings & then hide in her

room
the rest of the night, & where I've had to plan activities for her in

order
to get her to be with me. She also did recognize that I didn't like

coming
home after my recent trip & after not having seen her for 8 days (which

is
the longest time she's not seen me in about 1.5 yrs), her first thing

she
asked (I called her, she was at a friend's house about a 10 minute walk
away) was if she could go over to her boyfriend's house for a few hrs
(BEFORE seeing me...since he was more important). Her excuse was that

she
was upset that I at first (before knowing the full travel information)

said
I'd be home about 7-8PM, but then got home a few hrs before that (&
understood this wasn't a valid arguement since she had a copy of all the
flight information & could have met me at the airport had she wanted
to...she even knew exactly when each plain would take off & land...even

the
ones that didnt concern her...an exact copy of all the info that I had/I
just printed 2 of them). Another thing she tried to say was that she

heard
that I've talked to her social worker & told them of her sneaking around

&
about her 19yr old boyfriend & that I didn't want her any more. I

finally
got her to admit where she'd heard that...it was from our friend (who

I'd
known for 5.5 yrs & who has done allot for me & I've done allot for

her).
I
explained that this wasn't true because she knows she doesnt even have a
social worker, & when I offered to prove it to her by showing her the

phone
bill (which logs date/time/phone# of incoming & outgoing calls), she
declined to see the proof that I was telling the trueth & agreed with me
that I'd not been trying to get her in trouble or get rid of her. But

this
brings up a further problem. This friend (according to their chat logs)

has
apparently for the past few months been telling me one thing & telling

my
sister another. She's been supporting me on not liking what has been

going
on with this guy but then turns around & helps my sister with it & lets

her
know how much I know about things (I never told her I've been reading

the
logs of my sister & her boyfriend...& only recently read the full log

for
my
sister & her). She even offered & agreed to cover for my sister this

past
week, to have my sister stay with her through the week but actually to

let
her spend the night with her boyfriend (19yr old) (she is not only
supportive of an innappropriate relationship with someone who has been
causing my sister some problems, but is willing to lie to me & cover

things
up for her...this after all that we've done for each other too in the

past
5.5 yrs.) So now I've got another problem that has been found too (for
those who don't approve of chat logging & spying in that sense...this is

why
I did it...now I know who to watch out for as well.) My girlfriend & I

have
thought of the possibility of jelousy that she's no longer the only
important person in my life (she did somewhat finish raising me & has

tought
me allot). Though my girlfriend's sister has suggested the possibility

of
jelousy in that I'm not HER boyfriend. We've both disagreed on this due

to
the facts that she's had over 5yrs to have decided to go that direction

with
me had she wanted to, has had more than enough time to have done that

(based
on the timings & amount of time spent together, plus me living with her

this
past summer), & had not shown any interest in anything more than a big
sister type of relationship with me (the reason I'd never thought of

that
possibility myself). My sister acted throughout the conversation as if

she
was quoting/reading a script when making her various claims about what

has
supposedly been different lately (I say this seeing how easy it was to
explain the reasoning to her or correct her on her thoughts & how she
appeared more as if she was looking for proof that those thoughts/ideas
weren't right). There will probably be more to talk to her about later

(as
she was somewhat preocupied at the time...but if I try to sit her down

with
nothing to distract her she ends the conversation very quickly, needing

to
go do something else & wont talk...so thats why I didnt mind her doing

other
things at the time). I'll post an update later on that & any
feedback/questions too.

(for those who think I'm making excuses of why I'm not trying certain

things
& that I'm not really looking for input...if I weren't then why would I

be
taking the time to post/follow up here? For those others who have made
suggestions & comments that have been good ideas & useful, thank you for
your time & please continue to contribute.)

--

--


Good of you to have that talk and hope you had a good trip. Since you

didn't
post anything to the contrary, I am glad to see that your sister didn't

get
into any trouble while you were gone.

She is talking about your girlfriend changing your clothes, you are not on
the Pc as much..... how is this relevant to HER behavior anyways? It just
seemed as though your chat was of 2 adults, when in reality, it is one

adult
in charge and a child.

I let my sister lead the conversation & I just turned it in the
directions/points needed for the time. SHE is the one who brought that
up...she acted as if she had a problem with my girlfriend & was giving this
as arguements for her belief (though they were improper & invalid ones, as I
explained to her). She had tried to say that since I've got with my
girlfriend that is the reason she started this relationship with this
guy...though she failed to remember/acknowledge that she started this thing
of being gone at every chance long before then, started hanging out with the
bad crowd before then, got into trouble before then, & also that we have
tried to include her as much as possible (because when she's with us she's
not with him or with any other form of trouble + she is spending time with
us/me), & that she's seen me leave my girlfriend alone as long as needed to
talk to her when she asked or needed it. I think the reason she brought her
up was either because it was pre-programmed into her head (the jelousy of
the other friend), or she was just looking for an easy excuse/blame game &
needed to be reminded/showed that this was NOT a valid excuse & why it
wasn't. She may have acknowledged the relationship between him & her after
we got together, but we've made sure not to give her any reason to use us as
an excuse to be this way. Also a 3rd possible reason she brought my
girlfriend into this was because she's used to having some problem
(legitimate one, usually the guy being a total a**hole/drunk/druggie/women
beater/loser) with EVERY one of my mom's boyfriends (& may be repeating the
same situation?).

As for the 'friend'..... you never really know someone and may never know
her reasons for what she did. Kick her out of your life and be done with

it.
Your energies are needed elsewhere.

I'll also add that she (this person) is immature at times & is also on
medication for various mental problems (including depression)...maybe that
is playing a part here? She sees my sister as wanting to play & the
immaturity kicks in & she decides that since playing is more fun then to
allow it & when she talks to me & I talk about the problems she is anadult &
realizes the situation & sides with me for that reason???

Have you given any thought to having her sister speak with a professional?

Yes, as soon as we finally get her medical stuff worked out (she's on state
insurance...awaiting her medical card now...should get in another 2 weeks or
so).

BTW: I've never been to a councelor/psychiatrist like this before (I went
when I was a kid for about an 8yr time span, but that was really messed up &
didnt help at all, since the lady would then report anything I said & I'd
get introuble for it & it would end up making things worse for me). How
would my interaction in this be? What would be the best way to have myself
involved in this (though I'd like to know what is going on, I don't want to
repeat what happened with me, & even though I wont punnish her for anything
she says, if I do know what she says or the general idea of it, I'd use it
in the same way as the chat logs & keylogging...for
info/warning/understanding purposes anyway...I wont use it in any way to
cause distrust or anything like that)?
T