On Sun, 4 Jan 2004 00:15:32 +0000 (UTC), "Andrew"
wrote:

Just a bitter rant. Tonight I went on a binge (solo) as tomorrow my daughter
is due back with her mother and I am just hoping and praying she comes back
from Sweden. I think she will but I don't know. The bitter rant part is that
people left because it was too hard the life we had and to try to let people
relax the year someone left they had one holiday in St Lucia, three holidays
in Zambia where they eventually settled and numerous nights out with old
school friends suddenly discovered from back in 79 all in the one year. Also
they only worked part time to make life easier. Muggins just worked, looked
after kid and hoped other party would be able to relax after all the work
they had put in looking after the house etc and had no holidays.

sorry guys and I fully expect to be flamed. I am bitter. Right now I am
bloody bitter. (also a bit drunk) I think I gave everything. For three years
I took no break no holiday no weekend etc and now for the past year I have
the same but I am also mummy, daddy, breadwinner, there are no weekend
breaks due to the country boundaries I am doing it 24/7 365 but it was
'hard' for other people???? I really thought I was doing the best for my
family. In hindsight I probably should have stepped back and looked at human
issues but you want to give everything you can and the best you can etc etc
etc. If you want me to slow down then tell me FFS! I am not a mind reader! I
now do the dad, the mum, the work,the kids play, I attend every performance
of every school play she is in, I pay the school fees, the housing costs, I
talk to the teachers when I think there are issues, do the cooking, pick up,
transport, minding and I don't ask a thing from anyone. I am human too, its
tough.I could use help. This Xmas only two people remembered me and sent me
cards, my mother and my accountant. I gotta tell you it hurts. when you
marry you lose the single friends, when you get a kid you tend to lose the
ones without, when you split you are just a pariah. well, stuff the lot of
you world. when i get back on top ....

that boot you see in your face is gonna be mine!!!

Aw, Andrew, so sorry you're going through this right now. Your baby is
going to be home tomorrow, your anxiety must be through the roof right
now, I know that feeling believe me! Awful, the worry, when you don't
know how the other parent will behave.

It does you no good to be wired and sleep-deprived and it won't do
your daughter any good either. Plus it will make the time your ex is
staying that much more difficult for you to endure, so please try to
rest tonight!

After she's home, you won't be quite as interested in responses to
this thread, as you'll be spending your nights peeking in on her and
tucking her in instead of wanting a break. As kate said, it's hardest
when they're younger. It is constant work when they're younger, and I
have found that the older they get the more fun they are -- they
pull more of their weight and their activities mesh better with mine
as they grow (hiking with a four-year-old is a nightmare, as he's too
big to carry but too small to go very far or very fast, but with an 8-
and 9-year-old it's my favorite thing to do).

As for friends, you once shared experiences with people in school or
in different jobs, which you no longer share as those chapters in your
life have ended. The couple-with-one-kid phase is the one you're
missing out on and it's simply time for you to find the
single-parent-with-kindergardener cohort in your area. Put an ad in
the paper and set up a babysitting co-op, where you watch 4-5 kids one
Saturday and the next three Saturdays you're off on your own while
your daughter rotates among her new friends' houses. Start a book club
and invite all parents so that nonmember spouses can watch the kids
one Wednesday night a month (that one in particular saved my sanity
for about 2 years -- never would have gotten through Shackleton's saga
without it). Find a reliable young babysitter in the neighborhood who
can help out for an hour here and there, not necessarily all-nighters.
Other ideas escape me at the moment but you know what I mean.

But first I hope you can rest tonight. I do know what you're going
through and I'm so glad for you that it's almost over.

Good luck negotiating the potential emotional mindfield with your ex
when she's in town. You sound like such a great person, I hope you
don't get hurt any more than you have already.

lm