Thread: My concerns
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Old September 4th 08, 05:25 PM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
Ericka Kammerer
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Default My concerns

lu-lu wrote:

My first worry might sound silly, but I'm worried about having a boy. For
more than 2 years, I've been a mother to a little girl, and I've got used to
that. I know what I'm doing with her, and being a girl myself, I have a
better understanding. It's not that I don't want a boy, but having a boy is
a definite issue with me at the moment. I really wanted a boy last time, and
I always wanted Jessie to have a brother as I love having brothers, but now
I'm worried about it. I worry that they'll have nothing in common, or that I
won't know how to respsond to his needs ect.


I think this is a very common worry, and in my experience
it doesn't help much at all to tell someone not to worry ;-)
However, babies are babies and you'll figure out what your baby
needs and wants just like you did the first time around. When
it comes to boys vs. girls, even though I think it's true that
there are differences when speaking in generalities, whether you
have a boy or a girl, he or she will be an individual. You
could have a boy who was similar to and got on well with your
daughter, or you could have a girl who was nothing like your
daughter and never got on well with her. I have an older friend
with two girls and two boys who always says that everyone should
have a boy and a girl so that they know boys and girls are different...
and then another boy to know that boys are different from boys
and another girl to know that girls are different from girls ;-)
Certainly it's the case that all three of mine are quite different
from one another, and the two that get along the best are the
oldest boy and the youngest girl, despite the different sex
and the eight years between them.

My next worry is labour. I had a fabulous labour with Jessica. For the most
part it ws silent, and so I was able to enjoy the experience without pain
relief, and by the time it did get painful, it was nearly over, and I still
enjoyed it. I liked that I was induced (although I *hated when I went
overdue lol!) as I was in hospial when labour started and it was all nice
and calm. This time I'm terrified of going into labour naturally. I don't
know how I'd know the difference between severe BHs and real contractions. I
worry about not getting Jessie to the babysitters, or myself to the
hospital. I worry that I won't be able to get hold of DH in time, or that
I'd be at work. I also worry that my wonderful experience of labour with
Jessica will be spoilt by a painful/difficult labour this time.


Labor is whatever it is, just like your kids are whoever
they are. Going into labor can drive you nuts figuring out when
it's really starting and going through the false starts and whatnot,
but it's survivable and when the time comes, the vast majority of
women know that it's time.
The logistics of a second labor are more challenging, since
you have to deal with the childcare issue. The main thing
I'd say there is just that you shouldn't be afraid to cash in
your social capital at this point. That's what friends are for.
Get everyone who's willing on a phone list to help if you need
someone to pick up your daughter or get you to the hospital or
whatever it takes.

I think Jessie will take to the new baby well. I've explained to her the
best that I can that there's a baby in mummy's tummy and involved whenever
I've bought anything for the baby, and she understands what's hers and what
belongs to the baby, but I worry that she'll get overlooked by others when
the baby arrives. I love spending time with her, even just at nap time when
we lie on the bed together. I stress about the baby interrupting that, and
about me having the opposite reaction to everyone else, and overlooking him
to look after Jessica.


I think this is another common worry, and this one I
think is important to deal with. For many women, the worry
falls away as soon as the baby arrives, which solves the issue
handily. For a few, however, they stay wrapped up in the guilt
of diverting their attention from their firstborn, and as a
consequence they're a wreck. Yes, it's true that your daughter
will have to learn to have patience to share her mother's attention.
On the other hand, she will be learning some important social
skills and she will be gaining another beloved family member.
In my opinion, there is nothing bad about that. More people for
her to love, more people to love her, and while I think every
child should be special and unique in his or her parents' eyes,
I think it does children a grand disservice to keep them the
center of the universe or to feel guilty about failing to keep
them the center of the universe.
You will still spend time with your daughter. You
can even work to carve out one-on-one time with her, just
as you will need some with the baby. Her father should do
the same...with both children. It will work out, though it
will take some work and will occasionally be frustrating.
There are the occasional days when everyone seems to need you
at once ;-)

I don't know, I know that they're probably all silly concerns and that I'll
get over it, but I'm really scared of pregnancy etc this time - where as
last time I was going into it feeling confident and calm. But that's when I
had idealistic fantasies of looking after this little baby, Now I wonder how
I'm going to cope with two of them, with my DH at work. I've got used to
having a big child, and I'm going to be scared of having such a little baby
again.


Will your DH be able to take some time off work to be
at home? Do you have other family or friends who will help out
for a little bit? Call in the cavalry! Give yourself a few
weeks with help, however you can get it, and you'll figure out
a rhythm for your life with two kids. Babies are very portable
and they sleep a lot, even if it's not always when you wish they
would ;-)

Best wishes,
Ericka