On Sat, 24 Jan 2004 21:47:54 -0600, "127.0.0.1"
wrote:


Does this make sense? Any suggestions?

One time I had a budgie. I was about ten. It was scared but I was
*determined* it would be a pet. I put my hand in the cage and grabbed
it and tried to stroke it but it fought like crazy. I was very
stubborn. I wasn't going to hurt it and I wanted it to hurry up and
trust me. I'll never forget overhearing someone say to my mother about
this, "but it has to *want* to be a pet!"

Your daughter has to *want* to communicate. There is nothing on earth
you can do to *force* her to communicate, and believe me when I tell
you that she's not going to do it until it feels safe to her. You're
not describing a very safe environment for communicating. You're
describing an environment where she *must* communicate in the way you
want, and on topics you want to hear about.

You make allusions to having 'good reasons' for focusing on this.
Well, there are always excellent reasons to learn good communication
skills, but you don't learn them by having somebody else's demands
forced on you. You learn them by experimenting in a place where you'll
be able to make mistakes and learn which of your attempts work. You
probably didn't teach her to walk by standing her on her two feet at
eight months and letting her fall over and punishing her for falling
over until she figured out how to stay upright.

The things that motivate most people to communicate include knowing
that the response they'll get will make it worth their while. That is,
if telling someone something will excite their interest or cause a
pleasant exchange, they're likely to talk. If telling someone
something gets them criticism, interrogation or demands, they're going
to keep quiet, adults and children alike.

If I was you I would back right off. If you're having problems
communicating with the school, then deal directly with the school. Let
this child have some space. Communication is built on trust. Forget
communication and make cookies with her or take her canoeing or
something. The best communication I've ever had from my daughters has
taken place on long car rides and during recreational activities.
Well, until the elder one moved out. Now she phones me often.

Good luck. You can't control them - all you can do is help them learn
to control themselves.

Cele (single mother of daughters 16 & 18)