"127.0.0.1" wrote in message
...
Remember those piano lessons when you were a kid, or some such "torture"
that you absolutely hated. Probably survived it just by forgetting it as
quickly as possible? For me it was dishes. Lots of dishes. Seems whenever
I
got into trouble I had to do the dishes. For 9+ people, three meals a day
(plus snacks for 7 kids), plus the cooking stuff. That meant drying them
and
putting them away. (Looking back now, maybe my siblings got me into some
of
that trouble on purpose LOL!) I HATED dishes! This was pre-dishwasher on
the
market much less imagining affording one.

But ... I SURE got good at dishes! Realized it years later. Now I don't
like
'em or hate 'em, I just do them when they need to be done. At one point,
hating them so much, I even read an article in one of my mother's mags
that
gave tips on how to do them faster and easier and put it into practice. To
this day I do NOT appreciate having had to do all those dishes! but I
learned that some things just have to be done, get thru it, and get on
with
life.

Very true... Wise words no less!!!


My kid doesn't do dishes; with her, it's a battle to get her to put it on
the counter, rinsed, stacked whatever. But this isn't about dishes.

hehehe ok youjust described my kids to a T...


I am a stickler for communicating. I have reasons that clear ongoing
communication has to happen in my house. Good reasons. Also, with
computers
being part of life for a long! time, written communication, and
understanding what you read and applying it, seems even more important to
me
that kids learn early.


Communication IS EXTREMELY important...

February starts major task lists in our house for her; she will have a
check
off daily of what she's supposed to do, and as we go it will be written
out
in detail so I won't hear "You didn't tell me that!" and such. I put a lot
of work into it.

Been there done that... Even had to do DETAILS at one point with one child
LOL

But it doesn't solve the problem of HER communication with
me. I've taken care of letting her know as clearly as I possibly can what
is
expected of her, but getting feedback involves 20 questions (more like 50,
and you still don't get an answer!) Forget about having a conversation!
When
you ask, "Did you understand that?" (answer, "sure" but she can't repeat
it
back) and "What are you thinking while I'm talking to you?" (answer, "How
can I get out of this conversation"), I certainly don't have the stamina
to
figure out her train of thought on anything else.

Standard answer for a very sullen child... Setting boundries is perfectly
logical... You can't FORCE anyone to converse with you ESPECIALLY a pre
teen/teen... That's just silly, they are only going to communicate what THEY
want to tell you -- and when they finally do say a word or two you might
want to listen carefully


So I've tried getting her to write ... you name it, a journal, letters to
family or her dad, pen pals, ANYTHING. Even did the assigned question
thing,
which, when she acted like she didn't understand what a piece of paper
was,
got to the point I had her writing out words she claimed to not understand
(like "behavior" which was a good one), or to clarify what she did
understand. (I really liked that exercise! Wish I could keep her doing
it!)
I did the checklist thing ... what did you do today, how do you feel
about,
etc. All have been failures over the past year. She does it a couple of
times, then causes a serious problem or disruption to avoid it.

Wow you ARE dedicated I'll give you that... does she talk with her pals? a
close relative? I'm thinking she does... You are applying some major
pressure that is creating MORE problems...


THIS time, she has to write 30 minutes before dinner or no dinner until
its
done. If not done by bedtime, oh well. Otherwise she NEVER finishes a 1-2
paragraph page!


I think I'd rather do the dishes!


I've searched online for journal writing stuff for kids, but haven't
really
found anything that seems close or even right for this type of thing. I
don't want to do the checklist thing again, but she's really too young
(10)
to give her the essay with too few restrictions. Its not that she can't
write. She'll sit and write up part of an imaginary story just to
entertain
herself. But she can't communicate! She's done better in the past at
focusing when she's writing to one of her buddies (reason for the penpal
idea, which she blew off!), but usually then its about things I really
can't
comprehend at all.

10?!?!?! TEN? I thought you were talking about a teenager!!! She's TEN...
She's supposed to write goofy stories... She's not interested in diaries or
journals and from the sounds of things she certainly doesn't want mom
reading what she wrote for fear of criticism... You are one tough cookie!


Seeking suggestions for a daily journal entry, and another entry (in the
morning she has 20-30 minutes waiting for the bus) where she will write
out
what happened that day (just short sentences, to focus on the tangible
here
and now, not somewhere in her imagination), or what she will do after
school. I don't know. I really don't care what its about as much as her
gaining some experience in structure to communicate her thoughts clearly
....
and to stick to reality enough to communicate to ME things she's supposed
to.

Why does she have to write? Can't she read a book? Her thoughts are her
own, if she wants to fantasize and imagine castles/dragons or whatever let
her... Does she speak? I'm apt to think that she's communicating with you
right now I hear the child loud and clear... You need to listen to what
she's saying not writing... She's telling you that at this moment she's not
interested in writing her thoughts down and she's trying to gain a wee bit
of independance she's fighting for control of this one aspect of her life...


Example: About Nov. she came home and said something about having "played
bells today" (she's in band at school). Okay. Bells are a percussion
instrument, she's in percussion, although I specifically had signed her up
for drums. Bought her book, sticks, the stuff. No mention of any more.

You signed her up for drums and she came home playing bells... Did you call
the school and ask why? Or did you grill her for information?

First
week of January she's complaining. Drums are too easy, bells are too hard,
and besides she can't ever practice the bells because she doesn't have one
at home, and by the way the teacher has some for sale for just $200!!!

Ahhhhhhhh so does that mean she has an interest in the bells?
Interesting... She doesn't like the drums... More interesting (SHES
COMMUNICATING -- you aren't listening)

Turns
out they had switched her to bells (back in Nov?) but neither the school
nor
the kid bothered to clearly let me know this. Guess I was supposed to be
telephathic and go out and buy such a thing (I'm not even sure WHAT she
was
playing) or something. I had/have a number of issues with the band
instructor about this whole thing. Problem is, this is the type of
communication I get from her, and it can't happen.

Ummmmm She's 10... They give you the information and YOU have to deal with
the adults she did tell you you weren't listening... Maybe you should get
the Band instructor to create a journal for you -- Perhaps then you would
know what was going on with band and you wouldn't have to grill the child
for details OR when you are given a crumb of info you can call the
instructor yourself and figure it out...


I've been put in tight
spots because of it and then get hassled by the school (or someone else
depending on the situation) for not keeping up my responsibility. My
perspective is that the adult shouldn't ASSUME the child is going to pass
the info along to the parent, and should verify that its happening. But
also, the kid needs to learn to communicate to ME. Part of the reason
she's
restricted is for a few failures to communicate thru the holidays.

She Is communicating... YOU aren't listening! She did pass on the
information you dropped the ball!


Does this make sense? Any suggestions?

In a tyrannical sort of way it DOES make sense... I suggest you LISTEN when
your child talks... those tidbits mean a lot when you LEARN to listen
effectively...

HTH,
Kim