Chris wrote:
"Nikki" wrote in message
...

Chris wrote:

"alath" wrote in message
groups.com...

If you ask your wife to choose between her daughter and her "marriage
hanging by a thread" husband, her daughter will win, and rightly so.

To understand you correctly, are you saying that a woman's commitment
to her daughter ought to trump her commitment to her husband?

Can't speak for Alath but I would pick my children over my husband, who is
their actual bio father. I'm not saying her decision to support her
daughter by giving her a place to live is right or wrong but that many
parents would pick their children over anyone else. I suspect my husband
would pick the kids over me if an issue arose where he felt he had to
pick.
I hope he would.

Not me. My comittment is to my wife FIRST and foremost!

Your wife is an adult and can take care of herself,
and your marriage is an agreement the two of you entered into
independently and with informed consent. A child doesn't ask
to be born and requires the love, attention, and support of
parents. Parents *owe* that to their children. A spouse
who doesn't get that is a poor parent and worse spouse for
forcing his or her spouse to renege on an absolute
commitment that is owed to the child, even when the going
gets rough.
One can argue whether the appropriate way to help
the child is by bringing the child and her baby (and
boyfriend?) into the home or whether it's more appropriate
to help in some other way. It is *NOT* negotiable that
the parent must do right by the child, whether it's
convenient or not and whether the current spouse is
willing to be inconvenienced or not. People who love
and support one another do not force each other into
reneging on their responsibilities because it's
inconvenient. There is a higher moral obligation to
one's child, who is dependent and didn't ask to be
brought into the world, than there is to one's spouse.

That's all well and good, but I am unwilling (and ever closer to being
unable) to borrow money to support her and her family. And that IS a
unilateral pronouncement. If she can make an adult choice, then she can be
held accountable for the adult responsibilities/consequences that ride with
such choice. Am I wrong?

You are not wrong to recognize your financial limitations
or other objective limits. You are wrong when you seem to think
that the only way to handle this situation is to tell the
daughter to get out and don't let the door hit her in the butt
on the way out. You are also wrong if you think that laying
down an ultimatum for your wife is going to strengthen your
marriage. You need to negotiate your way through this, and
the starting point needs to be thinking about what is best
for the daughter (and unborn child). That may or may not
be supporting them entirely in your home, but that's what
the discussion should be about, not your ultimatums that
your wife better ditch the girl or you'll throw a hissy fit.

I wouldn't worry about statutory rape charges against the father

Uhuh. This man molested her child and now ALL THREE of us are faced with a
major upset in our life, not to mention my marriage is further in peril
related specifically to this situation!

So you think having the father in jail is going to
improve the odds that your step-daughter will be successful
in becoming a self-sufficient adult and parent? Seems to
me it would have exactly the opposite effect.

but I'd
sure as heck make legal proceedings to get child support from him part of
the deal.

My guess is that's her option, and as a young adult she will be SOLELY
responsible to make the decision.

Well, yes, she'll probably need to agree to get
that in place, but she'll probably have to do that anyway
to get support from the government. It would certainly
be a reasonable topic of discussion to insist that the
father be held accountable in order for you and your wife
to also help out. You can negotiate through these things.
I'm sure it's *easier* for you to just wash your hands of
the whole affair and tell your wife to lump it, but that's
not likely to be the *right* solution, in the short run
*or* the long run, and certainly if you want to strengthen
your marriage.

Best wishes,
Ericka