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Old June 7th 06, 06:58 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents
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Default My life... (A rant... anyone willing to read and offer any type of advice??)

Well, I really don't know - or, maybe, for once, I really do know...

Saturday... Sucked. Norm went to 'work' but as usual, nothing but a lie.
Came home at his convenience, bla bla bla. We ended up getting into a
fairly heated argument about lying and trust and all that, and then to cut
that short, 8am Sunday morning, it's like he's watching the clock and takes
off downstairs. I ended up getting up with him, as I find I always do no
matter what, and almost instantly, he's outside dicking around with his pos
bike 'fixing' it... B was off at my parents' place since Saturday afternoon
(spent the night there) and A was still fast asleep. I figured she wouldn't
be up until close to 10, as we had a fairly late night the night before... I
then suggested we go upstairs, maybe a nice hot shower and then crawl back
into bed. He tells me that sounds like a fine idea and he's done with the
bike, go start the shower, he'll be right up.

I start the shower and wait about 5 minutes and guess who's not there? I
run downstairs back out to the yard to see if he's going to be a while - no
sense leaving the shower run if he figures he's going to be at the bike for
another 10 or 15 minutes... He's gone. As if I didn't know this, though,
because I did. I had a feeling that morning since 8am when he magically
woke up before 11am. So, I head back upstairs, get in the shower and have a
nice hot shower. I was thinking (although I didn't believe it) that maybe
he just went to the gas station to fill the bike's tires up as he had
mentioned the day before, or maybe he was just taking the bike out for a
quick spin. As if I really believed that though.

All Sunday, MIA, as usual. Doesn't come home, doesn't call, nothing.

He left his bank card with me the night before, so later Sunday afternoon I
hit Walmart and get diapers and all that - stuff he knew we needed. Fairly
uneventful afternoon and evening, and I had a pretty good sleep... Woke up
once to visit the washroom and...

6am Monday morning, I wake up when the phone rings, thinking it better be an
emergency for someone to wake me up half an hour-45 minutes before I have to
wake up to get B off to school... It's the boss. Ha. He asks if Norm's up
and about yet - he's on his way. I simply said I have no idea if Norm's up,
although I doubt he would be. Obviously confused, the boss is wondering
what I mean. I, for the first time, didn't lie or cover for Norm, as I have
in the past - oh, he's sick this morning... He was up all night sick...
Whatever. This time, I simply said I have no idea where he is, I really
don't care where he is, he took off 9am on Sunday and hasn't been seen or
heard from since. I did apologize to the boss, but whatever. Not my
business, problem or concern. The boss sounded fairly ripped with his,
"F*ck, whatever. Thanks." I told him I'd pass along a message should I
hear from Norm, which I also told him I doubted I would.
So, Norm's got the maturity level of a bag of shelled peanuts. Didn't even
have the respect or decency to call his boss and even say something like,
"Man, I'm so sorry, ****'s hit the fan and I just need a bit of time... I
just need a day or two (or however long) to get things back in order..." or,
"I hate to do this to you, but I'm staying at this address... Would you be
able to pick me up from there for work?" Even, "Gee, I'm not at home right
now and I am going to be walking/taking the bus/riding a bike to work, so I
might be a bit later if it takes me a bit longer to get there, but I will be
at work." Nothing. Didn't call the boss, didn't care that he knows the
boss would be calling the house when he was on his way in the morning. Oh,
duh, I'm not even there! Maybe I'll avoid wasting HIS time and having him
call and wake the house up at 6am!

So, anyways, obviously didn't go to work on Monday. Monday night, we had my
brother's birthday... We were supposed to go over there for dinner... I
called my brother earlier in the afternoon to wish him a quick happy
birthday, and he asked who's all coming... I told him I would be coming with
the kids... Who else would be coming? He asked if Norm was going to make it
(seems my brother really does like him and they seem to get along real well)
and I felt horrible, but my bro sounded a bit hurt, almost, when he asked
about Norm and I told my brother that Norm most likely won't be there, as I
haven't a clue where he is, and I'm not going to beg him to come to the
birthday, obviously... Anyways, birthday went just fine, until about 530 or
so when my dad hears there's a voice mail on my cell... My dad heard my
diaper bag talking to him as he walked in the door, and I saw I had a
message... I saw it was Norm's mom calling, and since the day before I had
called her to ask her for a phone number, I thought maybe she was getting
back to me once she got home from work. No, I didn't have the brains to
check the message first, I just picked up my mom's phone and called her
back. It was Norm. I told him right up I was sorry I called, I had thought
maybe it was his mom returning my call. He said he left me a message, and
he wants his money and his bank card, and he wants it now. Sorry about your
luck, hon, but I'm on the other side of the city, and the steaks are done
and we are all sitting down to eat... Then there's cake and presents as
well, sucks to be you. He just keeps bitching about his money (that I took
almost all of it out to get diapers and pay the rent and all that)...
Anyways, I eventually check my voice mail, and he leaves a nasty message of
how he expects I will be dropping his bank card and money off at his mom's
house, but he will not be there when I drop it off. I ended up talking to
him for a little, asking him if all he really cares about is his bloody bank
card and money, and I told him I was not going to drop everything to bring
him his card. He knows where my mom lives, he knows where we live. I told
him I am NOT going to run around the city chasing after him at his every
call, since the last time we did that 4 months ago, B was seriously injured
and coulda, shoulda, woulda, we all could have been dead. During the phone
conversation, about 15 minutes long, he calms down and becomes human again.
He tells me to call him back 'when I'm done' - I told him if he wants to
talk to me, HE can call me. He knows our phone number, he knows the cell
number. HE can call, and I told him to call. Any time after 8 when the
cell is free to call and talk on. He said he'd call right around 8pm that
night.

Did he call? Of course not! Did I expect him to call? Do you really think
I'm still that stupid??

So, that brings us to today, Tuesday. To date, he has yet to call. He has
yet to show up or anything like that. Do I really care? Not really, but
maybe a bit... I was talking to a girl friend last night, and then again
this morning, and we had a good talk. I decided I was going to swallow my
pride. I went down, this morning, to the damned welfare office and made an
appointment. At this point, no one is going to hire me to work. I'm sick
of Norm coming and going as he pleases, having everything on HIS terms. For
the next little while, I am going to swallow my pride and get help and get
back on my feet. Show him I don't *need* him for us to survive. At least
for a while, I'll have that small bit of security that rent will get paid...
Bills won't pile up, food will be on the table for meals, there will be
diapers...

I came home, around 1115am, and I see there's a few messages left for me on
M$N... All from guess who! He said something along the lines of, "I really
don't know what to say" - "I miss the kids" - "I miss you :'(" (something
like that) I replied back, simply, that I can't tell him what to say or
what he should say. I miss him too, and both the kids surely miss him, but
this is nothing new. You know how to contact me, and all it takes is a
phone call if you just want to touch base. I'm not in the mood to fight or
make demands. He didn't reply, and come 6ish when his mom gets home from
work, he was logged off and she signed in. No more him since the morning.
No calls, again, even when I was gone, no more messages or anything. MIA,
as usual.
I then talked to my mom a bit earlier, and after a few minutes, she then
told me I should be going down to the welfare place. I didn't tell her
earlier today I already had, I said I would do this tomorrow. The good
thing that she said, and that I had already thought of, was I would then not
need to try and fight maintenance enforcement. Welfare will do that dirty
work for me. I also need to get the maintenance for B upped - he's getting
damn expensive - and get something in place for A. Welfare will do both of
those things, and they will do it faster and more efficiently, and I should
just be able to wait it out. With B's maintenance payments raised and with
something in order for A, bye bye to welfare... I believe I could make it on
that alone (this is assuming something can be changed, and hopefully go for
the max amount) until I can get back in school and working, which I
definitely plan to do, but obviously can't really consider just yet.

So anyways, that brings me to where I am right now. Sure, I feel so tired
of everything, and yes, I do love the jerk, although I do not love the
jerkish things he does. As of now, I've had a lot of time to sit and
think... Where am I? Where should I be? Where do I want to be? How do I
make it work for me, and the kids? Right now, I have it all planned - but
then again, when do plans ever really pan out exactly how you want and like
them to???

He's gone. I made that clear to him on Monday. I don't want or need him
back here, and he can now take some time to decide what he wants. He can
see and do what it takes for him to make his own decisions like a big boy.
If that takes 2 months, fine. If it takes 6 months, fine. If it never
happens, well, at least I will know that, and there's no reason for this
crap to happen. It doesn't do anyone any good at all. Let him go, set him
free. I need it, he needs it. Everyone needs that right now more than
ever. This time, though, it's going to be on MY terms. He's going to have
to prove anything he says, because, quite frankly, I'm not going to buy his
bs stories any more. I'm not going to give him my trust - he's lost it one
time now too many, and trust is something he now has to earn back and he has
to prove he wants and needs. I'm going to play it safe. I am thinking I'll
just lay low and see where things go.

Now, let's just say for argument's sake, he stays gone for oh, 3 months
(keep it simple). He does everything he can to gain and earn and keep
trust... Maybe he drops by to visit with the kids, and even me, maybe has
supper but goes wherever his home may be at the time... He helps put the
kids to bed, maybe we watch some TV, both get tired and he heads off home.
He goes to work every day and doesn't blow money - on stupid things, video
games, booze, drugs, eating out at restaurants every day - just becomes more
responsible in the sensible way... Provides money to help with life - maybe
swings by with some groceries for all of us to have supper and a bag of
diapers... This goes on for some time, things (obviously best case scenario)
seem to be great. He calls when he says he'll call, he shows up when he
says he'll come visit, he'll take the kids to the part when he promises them
that, whatever... Then, I guess, see how it goes... Maybe things will change
and almost be like a new start. Keep in mind, best case scenario... Maybe
consider some individual councilling, maybe try the couples one or maybe
even a family therapist of some sort... Is this kind of expectation
unrealistic? Is it possible for things to be downright horrible, yet saved
somehow?

I just think best case scenario is he pulls his socks up and grows up.
Worst case scenario is he doesn't, but at least we'll be out of it all and
don't have constant **** to dig out of all the time. Middle ground would be
he turns out to be an awesome part time dad - like if we just keep to being
civil and loving and not really together. For now, I said, this is a break.
He said he agreed. I had told him straight up that I am NOT and I will not
be looking for someone else, someone better, someone new - this is the
truth. He told me he would never do that either and that he misses me and
does love me, but right now, things aren't good - I did agree, and that is
one thing I do trust him on.

I do see this is a fairly bad situation, maybe even closer to being bad bad
situation, but... Do you think this *might* stand some chance of turning out
just fine with time? Am I (or even we) approaching this in a way that is
any worse than the way things currently seem to be, and even clearly are?
Am I setting things up for a major disaster or is there that chance that's
still there?