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Old June 8th 06, 07:04 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
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Default My life... (A rant... anyone willing to read and offer any type of advice??)


"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 07 Jun 2006 23:01:49 GMT, "xkatx" the following
was posted in blue dry erase marker:


"'Kate" wrote in message
. ..
On Wed, 07 Jun 2006 14:01:01 GMT, in alt.support.single-parents you
wrote:


Well, obviously, 2 full time parents are clearly the best and ideal
situation. 2 full time parents without all the issues and problems ALL
the
time. Sometimes, though, I do know that this is not always possible. A
regular, full time parent that is seen on a part time, regular and
normal
basis could be almost as good, assuming that parent can be responsible
and
mature enough, or am I totally wrong? A parent coming and going as they
please, when they want, doing as they please and putting themself first
and
showing their face at their convenience, I see, has no benefits at
all...

I agree to a point. Single parent households can be as functional as two
parent households. A lot depends on how reliable that single parent is
and how well he/she can meet the needs of the children. However, you
have very young children. I think you're going to need help from your
parents or other family members to make this work. No one person can be
up all night with a newborn, handle a toddler and a preschooler/
school-aged kid without some help.


Single parent households can and are as functional as 2 parent households
a
lot of the time. This is obviously ideal conditions I'm talking about...
Like with both parents together, both being stable. This goes the same
for
single parent families... The parent being stable and all that. A 2
parent
household with one or both parents being unstable OR a single parent
household with the other parent being unstable is obviously not good.
Don't
need a parent *or* parents who are unreliable, unstable, unrealistic,
untrusting/worthy, unavailable, does their own thing and thinks only of
themselves.



I'm with you on that, 100%


And then that time comes when they're all in school and they grow up and
don't need us as much and we're totally unfamiliar with our own
feelings, needs, and goals. That's how it is.


lol Yes, I'm really not sure if that's something to look forward to or
not... It just seems to be the way it goes.


It's an odd time not unlike... panic. :-) I think that women who work
throughout their lifetimes may not be affected as much by children
leaving the home but I have no evidence of that.


I think counseling is a good idea (of course I would). I think you
should go too. And if you want to aim toward saving the relationship
in
time, then see a Marriage/Family Therapist. The training is better for
dealing with multiple problems. Norm has had a rough time of getting
his
life together and keeping it together and they know the way to figure
out how that happens for him - to get to the core issues. And they
will
help you to uncover whatever it is that makes your relationships take
the path they've taken.

About a month ago, he said that he might need some counseling for
himself.
He knows and sees he has problems that date back to long, long ago. I
do
think a lot of the problems have nothing at all to do with me
personally,
it's just things about him that he has trouble dealing with to this day.
I
do know that it's not actually me.
We did try the family counseling with very little luck. I didn't care
much
for that lady, neither did he. She did seem to be on HIS case a lot - a
little too much maybe, and I just found that neither of us really wanted
to
see her. Maybe a change of person might be needed. Either way, some
type
of therapist might help just to settle things down and get things sorted
out
so the outcome is a lot different than how things are right now and have
been.

I think the right therapist could. I would find out the training and
background of the person doing therapy, make sure that he/she is
currently licensed, and try it for three visits. If he/she cannot
connect with you or your situation in that period of time, it is time to
look for someone else.


That crazy lady we had just wasn't doing it. I just didn't care for a
Judge
Judy that has sides picked out right from the get go.
And, to be honest, I really don't know if I even care to try some therapy
again. Been there, done that. I really don't feel it should be up to me
to
be begging and pleading with him. If he wants to suggest it, though, I
wouldn't turn it down. I really honestly don't know if I care to suggest
it, as I already have. I almost feel that if he wants some sort of
therapy
for himself, great. If he wants for us, great. If he wants the entire
family, great. If he can't come up with it on his own, I guess I'm kind
of
at the point to say screw it, I'm done trying with that type of stuff.
Not
sure right now if that's the right attitude I should have, but it is.


It's not for everyone. But I will say that therapy can knock a peg back
in its hole.. if it happens to be widging out on its own. I've found it
to be an awesome experience but I wouldn't have volunteered for it. It
is part of the program that I'm in. And I'm still as wacked out as
ever... I just have more insight now. :-P


It's for those who are willing, as well. I'd be fine with it or without.

Things are fairly different now, though. This time, I won't just give
in
tomorrow or next week. When he cries about how much he misses us and
wants
to come home, that's not going to happen. I'm not going to drag all of
us
out and about all over the place if he says let's all go out for supper
and
once the kids go to bed, let's 'talk' - I'm really not in the talking
mood,
as I feel I've said over and over anything I've wanted to say. All I
really
have to say for now is straighten up and grow up. I don't need to hear
words, promises, lies. I need to see actions, as they really do speak
volumes. I'm really not mad or angry, and I am past the point of
feeling
frustrated.

Some of the best work gets done when you are able to look at a situation
objectively.


Yea, I just kind of feel whatever.

You are an amazing young woman. Have I told you that? You have your
family's support. You have support here too.

Hugs,
'Kate

Heh, no, I don't think so! I know my parents and family like the guy.
I
think they're just at the point where they're fed up with both him and I
and
all the garbage. They seem more willing to help out with what they can
and
what is reasonable if I am ready to get my act together and if he is. I
know the most important thing to me, as well as my family, is the kids.
Making sure they're safe, happy, fed, whatever, and not in a crappy
position.


:-) Absolutely!

Count on yourself and be accountable to yourself. He's an adult. He
needs to be the same - able to be accountable to himself.

I think it might be helpful for you to make a list of what you expect
from him and how he can earn his way back in to your family. For
example, holding a job and not being absent from the job for 6 months,
therapy during that time, then he can have weekends with the kids...
that kind of thing. It may help him work toward something and give him
reason to straighten up. The ball is in your court.

Hugs,
'Kate


But it's not like he doesn't know how I feel or what I think or want or
anything like that. Again, it's been there, done that.
I guess I'm feeling that if he wants any part of us he's going to have to
figure that out on his own. Should I really sit down alone and write out
5
lines or 5 miles worth of lines of what I want or need or expect? And if
I
do, and he just brushes it off, that energy could very well have been
spent
elsewhere and more productively. Maybe I am at the point where I'm fed
up.
Maybe I'm even far past that point. The ball IS in my court, but maybe
this
needs to be HIS game to deal the cards out the way he wants to or feels he
should.


And you're willing to put the relationship, or any relationship, on hold
indefinitely?


I'm not sure. I really, at this point, do not want to go out looking
elsewhere. Right now, it's kind of wait it out. I'm just not really in the
mood or position to be out and about in the single world dating other
people.

He had called me this morning, maybe 1030ish. He said he needs some
money,
if I have any left (I had his bank card and got some valid things we
need -
diapers, some groceries, things that are understandable, didn't waste the
money away) and also pulled the rest of it out of the account and stashed
a
bit away and put some away for rent and all that... Kind of like emergency
money. He called to ask if I had any left and if he could come pick it
up.
Wah wah, he obviously doesn't have money for food, smokes, pot, booze or
to
just blow away. Something about needing to go downtown, whatever. I told
him the baby's sleeping, I have some things to do in the afternoon and he
is
not welcome to come and go, in and out, when the kids are around to see.
At
this point, I do believe they've gone through enough of wondering if he's
coming home and if he's going to stay. I also told him that he can and
will
bring my tire for my bike that he helped himself to.
He was here around 11. He wanted some cash (I had already stashed a bit
of
it away) and he wanted to change his clothes. Luckily he didn't have the
balls to have a shower first - I would have exploded. He has no clean
clothes - I haven't done wash for about a week, and I just started on that
today, and I've been tossing his dirty clothes aside. Why should *I* wash
his clothes anyway?? So he pulls out his jeans, fairly dirty and
definitely
needing a wash and changes, grabs a few small things - pocket things - and
he stays for a little bit. He accuses me of cheating, in an indirect way.
He has something odd and big in his pocket, and it's this bottle of lube
we
had bought at the 'adult' toy party a month or so ago. At first he won't
let me see what it was in his pocket when I questioned it, then he said it
was a drink of some sort - some energy drink. Now I know for sure he's
lying and I ask him if it's that bottle of lube. He, of course, denies
it,
and at this point I *know* what it is. I'm not stupid. I ask him if he's
cheating on me, and he instantly says no. That's one thing I've never
feared - I know he'd never cheat on me, but right then, I'm wondering why
the heck he's sneaking that away...
He then said he was going to take it so I couldn't use it. I asked him
what
on earth I would need to use it for - he knows I'm not one to sit alone
with
a bottle of lube. He's always known that, as it's been like that from day
1. He then said that I had the bottle sitting on the bed side table -
last
he saw it, it was on the dresser across the room - and asks why I had the
massage oil candle and the massage hand held thing in the bathroom... Duh,
retard... Before you decided to take off on Sunday morning, did I not
suggest we go upstairs and have a shower??? We often have candles if we
relax in the shower or bath, and the bottle?? Yes, it was on the dresser,
which was piled sky high with dirty clothes on it and around it, and he
DID
notice I was sorting and gathering laundry and I had put it on the bed
side
table when I had found it knocked into the pile of laundry from the
dresser
to the floor! At this point, I'm more insulted and hurt than anything,
and
he actually apologized and said that it did make sense and he believed me.
Damn right... Better believe me because I have never lied about that.
He's
the one hiding about, he knows where I am pretty much all day and night,
as
I can't just up and leave the kids to go where I please - it's him that's
off to who knows where, doesn't call, no one's seen him, whatever.
Of course I was fairly angry and hurt, insulted, and he ended up tossing
that bottle back on the table and said that this was the only reason he
was
taking it - so I couldn't and wouldn't use it. Like as if I'd really
*need*
it in the crazy scenario in his mind... If I was really going to do that,
would I really care and make a big deal??


He was planning on using it. You already know that.


No, that I don't believe. I really don't believe that he's off with other
people. Maybe, though, he could have been planning on using it for himself
only - that's believable - but soap and shampoo in the shower work just as
good. One thing I do know for sure is that he's not with other people for
that reason. We know too many of the same people, and that's just not
something he would do. He could go to any adult store and get that same
stuff at any time. He knows I'd notice it disappeared, and I did. I did
believe him because he's not a quick thinker when it comes to his lies. His
lies yell out that they're lies instantly, they don't make sense, they don't
ever have a reason to them. What he did come up with was instant, not
something pre-thought, and he did not have the time to think of excuses.

So anyways, he takes his money that I didn't squirrel away, and says he's
gotta walk to the store to get some change for the bus to go do whatever
downtown. He asks me if I want anything from the store and I said sure.
He
then says that if he's getting me something at the store, he's gotta come
back here, and I said that was fine. He left to go to the store - 5 mins
max walking away, and it's now 5pm. Looong walk to the store, yet I
didn't
hold my breath for him to come back for obvious reasons. And yet another
strike for him.
Before he left, when we were just sitting for a bit, he gives his great,
famous lines... He says this is so hard for him - knowing he can't and
shouldn't come back to stay. (I did make that clear to him and he's
alright
with that, or more understanding, I guess, than alright with it) He gave
me
the same lines about how he misses me and the kids, he loves me, bla bla
bla. I listened but I didn't give in or anything like that. I've also
heard all this before, but all I've seen is the complete opposite. Now I
don't want to hear it, I need to see it.
Before he got lost going to the store and finding his way home, he said,
if
I was alright with it, he would like to stop by later this evening. I
told
him straight up, again, that I cannot handle him coming around just yet
when
the kids are up and around. He said he would come by in the evening,
asked
if 9 was alright, once they're settled and sleeping. I told him that was
fine, but he needs to call first - once again, I won't hold my breath
because I'm too young to die just yet. It's 5, so supper time right away
then get the kids off to bed shortly after, and if he calls, then that
might
be one less strike, and if he doesn't call, I guess it goes down with the
rest of everything else lately. Either way, whatever. I don't believe
him
when he makes promises, and if he does choose (or "remembers") to call,
then
fine. Small step forward. Doesn't call, big step backwards. But, again,
either way, not my doing.


Now I can't wait to hear whether or not he showed up.


Did I believe he was going to the store and coming right back? Yes. I
really did think that. After he didn't come back in about 15 minutes, I
didn't think he was coming back. But, as he left and asked if I wanted
something, I did think he was going to come right back. I didn't hold my
breath or stop my life, but I thought he would be back. He didn't show, oh
well. I didn't really expect that much, but I did think he would come right
back before doing whatever he said he 'had' to do.
Did I really think that he was going to call and/or come here in the
evening? No, not really. Not really at all. I did call his mom's house
around 730 and just left the message that the kids would be in bed around
830 and I was just running to the store to get the baby some milk in case he
called and figured I just wasn't answering (if I was still out or busy
getting the kids to bed) so I just left the message that any time after 830,
I would be home. I guess, she said, she told him I called, he walked in
right after I called, he said OK and walked out again. I didn't think he
would call, and I knew he wouldn't show up. There's just been way too many
promises not kept and lies told for me to really believe it. Even, if he
had called and said he was coming, I wouldn't have believed that. I'll
believe things as I see them.

Make sure, if he does, and if you do make it over this hump, that he
gets tested for STDs.


I know he is not going to be out doing things like that, BUT, that is
something I am going to tell him no matter what. If he has nothing to hide,
then it's no big deal and he'd be fine going in to get tested. If he does
have a problem with it, then that's his problem and I won't risk it being my
problem as well.

At this point, I'm never more greatful for call display and the answering
machine. I'm now going to treat his mother's phone number showing up as a
telemarketer - just don't pick up. Any random names/numbers showing up,
cell phone numbers, pay phones, hell with that. I'm just not going to pick
up. Maybe he'll think we're off and staying elsewhere, maybe he'll think
I'm avoiding his calls. I really don't care. His random M$N messages will
just be closed, any emails will simply be ignored. I'll play my own little
game for a little while. Maybe he'll get the impression that I don't *want*
or *need* him and maybe he'll either take a hint or see a new light. I'm
not going to offer chance after chance. I have been playing this game, and
it's now enough is enough, basically, since he said he was getting change
and would bring me back something from the corner store and somehow managed
to get lost, abducted, confused, whatever
His first Father's Day is going to be alone, not with his family. Last
year, he spent his one and only Father-to-Be Father's Day doing his own
little thing, and I sat with B on the side of the road with a blown out tire
for an hour waiting for my dad to be able to come and change the tire on the
car while I was on my way to parents' place for F-Day BBQ.
I'm not going to go out looking for a card or some little present for him,
I'm not going to send him some e-card, I'm not going to email or call.
I think I'm going to wait a month or so and then call him. No message left
if he's not home, other than I'll try again next time I'm free. Either
that, or I'll wait until he tries calling X amount of times that I ignore
it. I dunno. Might be easier that way. Right now, and for the next little
while, I'm just going to avoid and ignore the whole situation. This
problem, really, isn't mine.

Oh, and A took her first half-step the other day I believe it was on
Tuesday afternoon. Stood for a few seconds all on her own and took a step
before falling on her rear end