"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 07 Jun 2006 14:01:01 GMT, in alt.support.single-parents you
wrote:


Well, obviously, 2 full time parents are clearly the best and ideal
situation. 2 full time parents without all the issues and problems ALL
the
time. Sometimes, though, I do know that this is not always possible. A
regular, full time parent that is seen on a part time, regular and normal
basis could be almost as good, assuming that parent can be responsible and
mature enough, or am I totally wrong? A parent coming and going as they
please, when they want, doing as they please and putting themself first
and
showing their face at their convenience, I see, has no benefits at all...

I agree to a point. Single parent households can be as functional as two
parent households. A lot depends on how reliable that single parent is
and how well he/she can meet the needs of the children. However, you
have very young children. I think you're going to need help from your
parents or other family members to make this work. No one person can be
up all night with a newborn, handle a toddler and a preschooler/
school-aged kid without some help.

Single parent households can and are as functional as 2 parent households a
lot of the time. This is obviously ideal conditions I'm talking about...
Like with both parents together, both being stable. This goes the same for
single parent families... The parent being stable and all that. A 2 parent
household with one or both parents being unstable OR a single parent
household with the other parent being unstable is obviously not good. Don't
need a parent *or* parents who are unreliable, unstable, unrealistic,
untrusting/worthy, unavailable, does their own thing and thinks only of
themselves.

He could be a little scared, but this isn't anything new to him, nor are
his
actions/reactions all that new.


I do believe that the turmoil that you're in is going to be more
productive than the stuck feeling that you lived with for so long. I
don't know if Norm is going to be able to straighten up. I think he can.
I hope he does.

I know he *can* but it's not about can or can't... It's will or won't.
THAT, though, is being left up to him. I'm not going to make suggestions
to
him. I'm not going to make choices for him. Maybe that's what I've been
doing and that's what he doesn't like at all. The choices he's been
making,
though, just aren't going to cut it here. As a parent, you often have no
choice but to put yourself on the back burner at times - especially with
little ones. Sure, we all need time alone, but generally, the world stops
revolving around you and revolves around the kids. That's just the way it
seems to go. My life always seems to come second (and no, I really don't
mind so much) because when a diaper needs changing, it doesn't matter if
there's a no commercial on. When meal times come around, it's not like
it's
a surprise and that time just pops out of nowhere. When someone's sick,
it
really doesn't matter. I might have the biggest migraine, tired as a dog
because I was up sick all night puking, but in the morning, I still need
to
make breakfast, get ready for school and all that. A kid can be sick all
night long, and that simply means I am up all night long calming someone
down, cleaning up vomit, running around getting a glass of water or cough
syrup.

And then that time comes when they're all in school and they grow up and
don't need us as much and we're totally unfamiliar with our own
feelings, needs, and goals. That's how it is.

lol Yes, I'm really not sure if that's something to look forward to or
not... It just seems to be the way it goes.

I think counseling is a good idea (of course I would). I think you
should go too. And if you want to aim toward saving the relationship in
time, then see a Marriage/Family Therapist. The training is better for
dealing with multiple problems. Norm has had a rough time of getting his
life together and keeping it together and they know the way to figure
out how that happens for him - to get to the core issues. And they will
help you to uncover whatever it is that makes your relationships take
the path they've taken.

About a month ago, he said that he might need some counseling for himself.
He knows and sees he has problems that date back to long, long ago. I do
think a lot of the problems have nothing at all to do with me personally,
it's just things about him that he has trouble dealing with to this day.
I
do know that it's not actually me.
We did try the family counseling with very little luck. I didn't care
much
for that lady, neither did he. She did seem to be on HIS case a lot - a
little too much maybe, and I just found that neither of us really wanted
to
see her. Maybe a change of person might be needed. Either way, some type
of therapist might help just to settle things down and get things sorted
out
so the outcome is a lot different than how things are right now and have
been.

I think the right therapist could. I would find out the training and
background of the person doing therapy, make sure that he/she is
currently licensed, and try it for three visits. If he/she cannot
connect with you or your situation in that period of time, it is time to
look for someone else.

That crazy lady we had just wasn't doing it. I just didn't care for a Judge
Judy that has sides picked out right from the get go.
And, to be honest, I really don't know if I even care to try some therapy
again. Been there, done that. I really don't feel it should be up to me to
be begging and pleading with him. If he wants to suggest it, though, I
wouldn't turn it down. I really honestly don't know if I care to suggest
it, as I already have. I almost feel that if he wants some sort of therapy
for himself, great. If he wants for us, great. If he wants the entire
family, great. If he can't come up with it on his own, I guess I'm kind of
at the point to say screw it, I'm done trying with that type of stuff. Not
sure right now if that's the right attitude I should have, but it is.

Things are fairly different now, though. This time, I won't just give in
tomorrow or next week. When he cries about how much he misses us and
wants
to come home, that's not going to happen. I'm not going to drag all of us
out and about all over the place if he says let's all go out for supper
and
once the kids go to bed, let's 'talk' - I'm really not in the talking
mood,
as I feel I've said over and over anything I've wanted to say. All I
really
have to say for now is straighten up and grow up. I don't need to hear
words, promises, lies. I need to see actions, as they really do speak
volumes. I'm really not mad or angry, and I am past the point of feeling
frustrated.

Some of the best work gets done when you are able to look at a situation
objectively.

Yea, I just kind of feel whatever.

You are an amazing young woman. Have I told you that? You have your
family's support. You have support here too.

Hugs,
'Kate

Heh, no, I don't think so! I know my parents and family like the guy. I
think they're just at the point where they're fed up with both him and I
and
all the garbage. They seem more willing to help out with what they can
and
what is reasonable if I am ready to get my act together and if he is. I
know the most important thing to me, as well as my family, is the kids.
Making sure they're safe, happy, fed, whatever, and not in a crappy
position.


:-) Absolutely!

Count on yourself and be accountable to yourself. He's an adult. He
needs to be the same - able to be accountable to himself.

I think it might be helpful for you to make a list of what you expect
from him and how he can earn his way back in to your family. For
example, holding a job and not being absent from the job for 6 months,
therapy during that time, then he can have weekends with the kids...
that kind of thing. It may help him work toward something and give him
reason to straighten up. The ball is in your court.

Hugs,
'Kate

But it's not like he doesn't know how I feel or what I think or want or
anything like that. Again, it's been there, done that.
I guess I'm feeling that if he wants any part of us he's going to have to
figure that out on his own. Should I really sit down alone and write out 5
lines or 5 miles worth of lines of what I want or need or expect? And if I
do, and he just brushes it off, that energy could very well have been spent
elsewhere and more productively. Maybe I am at the point where I'm fed up.
Maybe I'm even far past that point. The ball IS in my court, but maybe this
needs to be HIS game to deal the cards out the way he wants to or feels he
should.
He had called me this morning, maybe 1030ish. He said he needs some money,
if I have any left (I had his bank card and got some valid things we need -
diapers, some groceries, things that are understandable, didn't waste the
money away) and also pulled the rest of it out of the account and stashed a
bit away and put some away for rent and all that... Kind of like emergency
money. He called to ask if I had any left and if he could come pick it up.
Wah wah, he obviously doesn't have money for food, smokes, pot, booze or to
just blow away. Something about needing to go downtown, whatever. I told
him the baby's sleeping, I have some things to do in the afternoon and he is
not welcome to come and go, in and out, when the kids are around to see. At
this point, I do believe they've gone through enough of wondering if he's
coming home and if he's going to stay. I also told him that he can and will
bring my tire for my bike that he helped himself to.
He was here around 11. He wanted some cash (I had already stashed a bit of
it away) and he wanted to change his clothes. Luckily he didn't have the
balls to have a shower first - I would have exploded. He has no clean
clothes - I haven't done wash for about a week, and I just started on that
today, and I've been tossing his dirty clothes aside. Why should *I* wash
his clothes anyway?? So he pulls out his jeans, fairly dirty and definitely
needing a wash and changes, grabs a few small things - pocket things - and
he stays for a little bit. He accuses me of cheating, in an indirect way.
He has something odd and big in his pocket, and it's this bottle of lube we
had bought at the 'adult' toy party a month or so ago. At first he won't
let me see what it was in his pocket when I questioned it, then he said it
was a drink of some sort - some energy drink. Now I know for sure he's
lying and I ask him if it's that bottle of lube. He, of course, denies it,
and at this point I *know* what it is. I'm not stupid. I ask him if he's
cheating on me, and he instantly says no. That's one thing I've never
feared - I know he'd never cheat on me, but right then, I'm wondering why
the heck he's sneaking that away...
He then said he was going to take it so I couldn't use it. I asked him what
on earth I would need to use it for - he knows I'm not one to sit alone with
a bottle of lube. He's always known that, as it's been like that from day
1. He then said that I had the bottle sitting on the bed side table - last
he saw it, it was on the dresser across the room - and asks why I had the
massage oil candle and the massage hand held thing in the bathroom... Duh,
retard... Before you decided to take off on Sunday morning, did I not
suggest we go upstairs and have a shower??? We often have candles if we
relax in the shower or bath, and the bottle?? Yes, it was on the dresser,
which was piled sky high with dirty clothes on it and around it, and he DID
notice I was sorting and gathering laundry and I had put it on the bed side
table when I had found it knocked into the pile of laundry from the dresser
to the floor! At this point, I'm more insulted and hurt than anything, and
he actually apologized and said that it did make sense and he believed me.
Damn right... Better believe me because I have never lied about that. He's
the one hiding about, he knows where I am pretty much all day and night, as
I can't just up and leave the kids to go where I please - it's him that's
off to who knows where, doesn't call, no one's seen him, whatever.
Of course I was fairly angry and hurt, insulted, and he ended up tossing
that bottle back on the table and said that this was the only reason he was
taking it - so I couldn't and wouldn't use it. Like as if I'd really *need*
it in the crazy scenario in his mind... If I was really going to do that,
would I really care and make a big deal??
So anyways, he takes his money that I didn't squirrel away, and says he's
gotta walk to the store to get some change for the bus to go do whatever
downtown. He asks me if I want anything from the store and I said sure. He
then says that if he's getting me something at the store, he's gotta come
back here, and I said that was fine. He left to go to the store - 5 mins
max walking away, and it's now 5pm. Looong walk to the store, yet I didn't
hold my breath for him to come back for obvious reasons. And yet another
strike for him.
Before he left, when we were just sitting for a bit, he gives his great,
famous lines... He says this is so hard for him - knowing he can't and
shouldn't come back to stay. (I did make that clear to him and he's alright
with that, or more understanding, I guess, than alright with it) He gave me
the same lines about how he misses me and the kids, he loves me, bla bla
bla. I listened but I didn't give in or anything like that. I've also
heard all this before, but all I've seen is the complete opposite. Now I
don't want to hear it, I need to see it.
Before he got lost going to the store and finding his way home, he said, if
I was alright with it, he would like to stop by later this evening. I told
him straight up, again, that I cannot handle him coming around just yet when
the kids are up and around. He said he would come by in the evening, asked
if 9 was alright, once they're settled and sleeping. I told him that was
fine, but he needs to call first - once again, I won't hold my breath
because I'm too young to die just yet. It's 5, so supper time right away
then get the kids off to bed shortly after, and if he calls, then that might
be one less strike, and if he doesn't call, I guess it goes down with the
rest of everything else lately. Either way, whatever. I don't believe him
when he makes promises, and if he does choose (or "remembers") to call, then
fine. Small step forward. Doesn't call, big step backwards. But, again,
either way, not my doing.