'Kate wrote in message ...
On Thu, 11 Mar 2004 19:09:47 -0600, "Daniel" daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom

The only reason I've not done this yet is so that I can have some way to
keep watch over what is going on...I've had her phone suspended at times
which forces her into typing (into a log). The problem is that the one
being controlled actually has the ultimate controll...they can always
decide
to go against you, no matter how the consiquences are (even someone being
held at gunpoint has the choice to die)...& if they just dont care (she
doesnt) then how do you handle that one?

Yes, they can decide to go against you and then, you can decide to take
away their privileges. Their actions must have consequences. They don't
get privileges before they earn them. If she wants to visit a friend,
she'll have to do something to earn it. If she wants to watch TV, she
has to keep her room clean. If she wants to get on the 'net for an
hour, she will have to clean up after dinner. If she's parking online
for hours at a time, that has to end. Ration it. All you have to
provide is a roof over her head, food on the table, a way to get to
school, medical care, and season appropriate clothing. Extras are "The
Gap", the computer, TV, the phone, visits to friends. Believe me, she
will care if you take those privileges away.

Been doing that...the reason I say it doesn't work is that there isn't much
left to take...

The computer is not your window into her personal life. Your window is
communication with her - directly. You're her support system. You, her
teachers, and the community that helps teens. If you fail, the rest of
the system better not. You need people *with* you... on your side to
help her to regain her self-respect and self-control.

You have to be positive - that things are not great now but they can be
better... or they can get worse. That part is up to her. Small
successes count. She needs goals that are worthwhile and will give her
a sense of accomplishment.

I think you're going to have to involve her school: teachers and
counselors. They need to set goals for her that are realistic. Her
grades need to be improved. If she improves her grades, she can watch
an hour of TV nightly, if not, then she cannot. You will have to check
in with the teachers so arrange a weekly/bimonthly time to call. Yes,
it's more punishment for the parent/guardian but you need to be strong
for her right now. Her life has sucked and she has had to be too
strong, too adult, all too soon. Once she gets the hang of behaving and
attending to her schoolwork, you can slack off a little. Your goal with
school should be to get her to handle it on her own.

Other community members can help too. Contact your local Boys and Girls
Club, for example, and find out what's going on there. Talk to someone
and tell them what you're dealing with and get suggestions. Talk to the
clergy of your house of worship. See if they have community service
that she can participate in that will make her realize that others have
problems too. Consider family counseling. Strongly consider it. You
both need support and they can see what we cannot because we're too
close to the overall picture.

Most importantly, talk to her. Do not confront her and constantly tell
her how awful she is (not saying you are). Praise the good things -
even more in the beginning than you think is "normal". Praise
initiative, "I appreciate it when you clean up after dinner," for
example. There is a balance between what she needs as encouragement
and what she needs as discipline.

I've NOT been telling her how bad she is...& like I said, the problem wasn't
from the start, it only happened before this guy. I do keep up with her
teachers (have had problems contacting them though). Other activities dont
work, tried them, she dropped EVERYTHING (even communication with me) for
him. The problem is preventing her to build the alter to make offerings &
sacrifices to him next.

The main problem is taking someone who was doing good before they met him,
getting them to realize what they're in, & then reversing her to the way she
was before meeting him.

You're stepping into all this in the middle. I know that's extremely
difficult. You've got just a few years to help her turn her life
around and it is a huge sacrifice. I don't know how you're managing to
feel like you're not overwhelmed. What do you do for yourself? Who is
on your side?

'Kate