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  #1  
Old February 1st 07, 01:44 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Patrick Mullin
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Posts: 8
Default Bereavement

Does anyone in the group have any pointers to other newsgroups that deal
with single parents who are widowers with young children?

Thanks,

Patrick


  #2  
Old February 1st 07, 01:13 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Zorro
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Posts: 52
Default Bereavement


"Patrick Mullin" wrote ...


Does anyone in the group have any pointers to other newsgroups that deal
with single parents who are widowers with young children?


alt.support.grief

comes to mind... there might be others

Kates the best person to ask ... If she ever appears again ;-)

Z




  #3  
Old February 1st 07, 01:21 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Patrick Mullin
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Posts: 8
Default Bereavement


"Zorro" wrote in message
...

"Patrick Mullin" wrote ...


Does anyone in the group have any pointers to other newsgroups that deal
with single parents who are widowers with young children?


alt.support.grief

comes to mind... there might be others

Kates the best person to ask ... If she ever appears again ;-)

Z


Zorro,

Thanks. I will keep an eye out for Kate.

Patrick


  #4  
Old February 1st 07, 02:53 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Tiffany
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Posts: 11
Default Bereavement


"Patrick Mullin" wrote in message
...

"Zorro" wrote in message
...

"Patrick Mullin" wrote ...


Does anyone in the group have any pointers to other newsgroups that deal
with single parents who are widowers with young children?


alt.support.grief

comes to mind... there might be others

Kates the best person to ask ... If she ever appears again ;-)

Z


Zorro,

Thanks. I will keep an eye out for Kate.

Patrick


Yes, she has some good info that she can share with you that helped me in
the past.

You should also be on the lookout of any special programs in your area for
kids to attend. There is one that is in various area's called Olivia's
House.

T


  #5  
Old February 1st 07, 08:11 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Patrick Mullin
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 8
Default Bereavement


"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Thu, 1 Feb 2007 00:44:03 -0000, "Patrick Mullin"
the following was posted in blue dry erase
marker:

Hiya Patrick,
I've seen one or two of your posts on alt.support.grief, a group I still
read from time to time even though I've been widowed since September
1998. Through the years there have been more than a few widowed and
young message boards. The following is a short list of widowed and young
message boards:

http://www.ywbb.org/forums/ubbthreads.php

http://lists.topica.com/lists/widowed_young/

in the UK http://lists.topica.com/lists/wayfoundation/

My children are now 16, 18, and 27. The younger two have lived most of
their lives the way that we live now... one surviving parent. There are
a few things that I found helpful and, if you'd like, I will be happy to
share them with you. I don't want to overstep, though... so you'll have
to let me know what will help you.

Best,
'Kate


Hi Kate,

Many thanks for the links - especially for the UK based one.

I admire you for having brought up three children on your own - knowing that
I am not alone in this does help me find the strength to carry on. My kids
are both under 3, and I am a very recent widower, so I do not doubt that I
have a lot to learn about all of this. Knowing that others have done so
before is such an inspiration.

FYI, this email address is NOT spam-trapped, so I can be contacted directly
on this, but I do accept that many people like to confine discussions within
the group, so that others may benefit as well.

Look forward to getting to know you over time,

Patrick


  #6  
Old February 2nd 07, 12:11 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Zorro
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 52
Default Bereavement


"'Kate" wrote ...

8 the lot...

so ... you've been a little busy then?

Heh ;-)

Good Luck / Break a leg / whatever is appropriate

with all the finishing up stuff... been a long road aint it?

(but its soooo gonna be worth it for yer)

Sorry about L's experience ... That sucks in a major way ...

ummmm ...

I dont recall seeing a graduation photo... (Class of 04)

did you get one? ... have you posted it ? ... enquiring (aka nosey) minds
need to know ... and see ...

Be Well

Z


  #7  
Old February 3rd 07, 04:06 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Patrick Mullin
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 8
Default Bereavement


"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Thu, 1 Feb 2007 19:11:19 -0000, "Patrick Mullin"
the following was posted in blue dry erase
marker:


We're lucky to have the internet or we would feel very isolated. Fewer
than 10% of single parents are widowed.

The UK is a great place to be for bereavement groups. Hospices have some
wonderful programs for the kids... maybe not now but in a few years
they'll be asking deeper questions. Right now, it's enough to adjust to
your new role in your children's lives. What ages are your children? How
long ago did your wife die?

And you know what? Even at the worst, remember you *are* doing this. You
will survive.

Organization and routine are your friends. Finding short cuts like
paying bills online, plastic/paper plates, decent frozen dinners
(without a lot of fat, salt, additives, MSG, corn syrup, white flour),
will help. If you have family or if people have offered to help, let
them. Keep a list of what you need done by the phone. Reach out into the
community for help. People are vital to your recovery and how you use
them will determine how well your children do in the long run.

I'm a bit brain fried from that test today...
I also stink at email. Ask anyone.

Tell me what is your biggest hurdle right now? Sleeping? Eating right?
Finding time and energy?

'Kate


I think that it is just starting to sink in at the moment, so I am just
generally down - tired as well as I had a late night out with family last
night, and the kids were up early, so that probably doesn't help my mood!!

My kids are just over 2 1/2 and 1 1/2 - which is probably for the best, as
they are very resilient at that age. They have always gone to nursery, as my
wife and I worked full time, so their routine is not too changed.

My wife died just under 3 weeks ago - went to work, and didn't come home. We
still do not know for sure what happened, as there is an ongoing Coroner's
Inquest, but should find out all of the details by mid-April. There is
always a chance that the verdict will be SUDEP, which will leave a lot of
answers outstanding, but we will have to corss that bridge when we get to
it.

I am returning to work on Monday, so that should be a good distraction,
though I am not sure that my output will be what it was - although that is
probably to be expected.

I suppose my biggest hurdle at the moment is the gradual realisation that
this is all real. Leading up to the funeral, I had lots of things to
organise, which kept me busy, and gave me a purpose. Now is just a quiet
time, which is why going back to work and starting my college course
(distance learning) should be good things to keep me busy.

Thanks for taking the time to reply - I do appreciate it, as well as your
suggestions!

Patrick


  #8  
Old February 3rd 07, 08:29 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Patrick Mullin
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 8
Default Bereavement


"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Sat, 3 Feb 2007 15:06:38 -0000, "Patrick Mullin"
the following was posted in blue dry erase
marker:
Patrick,
I'm a firm believer in doing something to keep busy. The death of a
spouse is physically painful and plays the constructs that we've built
over a lifetime like "things will be where I left them as long as
someone doesn't move them." "The rest of my life" became a lot longer
than I could have imagined before. I became "Widowed". I became a single
mother. I thought I had things settled and then I didn't.

I didn't find out what killed Phil until four months after he died. Even
though I read the autopsy report, it was still unbelievable. I think
that, perhaps, when you find out the cause, it won't ever be enough to
satisfy the change that it meant in your life and in the lives of your
children but you'll get use to it.. along with a bunch of other stuff
you just have to learn to live with.

At work Monday, people will be giving you their condolences if they
haven't already. Some will say some pretty stupid things like, "It is
for the best that the kids are so young." They don't understand. They
may never understand. You'll break down at unexpected times. Expect that
to happen. Some people will avoid you. Some won't know what to say or
do. In a few months, people will expect you to be over it... as if the
funeral was the end. We know it's not.

Sometimes having children is a blessing. Sometimes it's a hinderance. It
will just depend on how tired you are. It's very important to take care
of yourself. This was a major shock to your body as well as your mind.
If you have trouble sleeping, pile pillows on that side of the bed.
Leave a radio on in the other room at night. Find someone to talk to in
the wee hours of the morning or make sure that you have reading to do.
Nighttime seems to be the worst for us. Sunshine and fresh air are good
for both you and your children. They'll sleep better if they have a half
hour out every day. Bedtime routines are good for all of you.

Three weeks.. probably the most painful. Life is pretty "foggy" the
first six months or so.

A certain amount of depression and overwhelming sadness is normal.
However, if it gets so bad that you cannot get up out of bed, call
someone to help and get yourself to the doctor's. Most of us flirt with
the idea of suicide to end suffering. If you make plans, include calling
someone who understands what this is like. This is where bereavement
groups come in handy. They'll know you're not crazy, just terribly sad
and feeling a little hopeless.

You may feel anger at your wife for dying during some of this. You won't
always feel that way and it's ok. Some of the grief will feel like words
that we use for emotions won't fit... the feelings jumble together.
English isn't the best language for emotion. Alt.support.grief is a good
place to find someone who knows exactly what you mean and has felt
exactly what you feel.

One day, one minute, or one goal at a time. One of the former members
from this group put it best and I hope I remember... in the morning, get
out of bed. Seems simple. It's not.

'Kate


Kate,

I agree with the keeping busy bit, which is why I have decided not to cancel
my last college course for my Masters Degree, which starts tomorrow. That
and the fact that if I did, my wife would have been mad at me!!

I am finding that having lost my father 6 months previously is proving to be
a surprising pool of strength for me. It gave me an insight into how griving
works for me, which has allowed me to ride the various waves of emotion out
this time around.

As for suicide - that's where the kids come into it. If it wasn't for them,
the idea may well have a certain appeal. Now, however, I have to be here to
bring them up the way in which we had started to. It means a lot of
practical, physical and emotional difficulties at times, but it also rewards
me in so many ways, and keeps me true.

Thanks so much, again, for all of your words - and for taking the time to
write them down.

Patrick


  #9  
Old February 4th 07, 10:01 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Patrick Mullin
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 8
Default Bereavement


"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Sat, 3 Feb 2007 19:29:27 -0000, "Patrick Mullin"
the following was posted in blue dry erase
marker:

Soup, cold meds, and bandaids. When you're the only parent, you can't be
sick or hurt. I think I've probably written this a few times here but I
never felt so alone as when I had to pack the kids in the car and drive
to the store for a bandaid for a bleeding finger. I hope my car is never
DNA tested. :-\

Be prepared!

When you can, designate a legal caregiver for your children should
something unexpected happen to you. When they're old enough, they'll
need to know who that is. And if you don't have life insurance, consider
it.

You sound like a really nice person, Patrick. I'm sorry all this
happened to you.

What did you do with your last day off before work?



Kate,

I actually went out and got some toys for the car, as previously, long
journeys involved my wife travelling backwards, giving the kids biscuits,
drinks, etc... Obviously that can't be the norm anymore, so anything to
distract them is a good thing. Being so young, they should adapt to the new
norm quite quickly, which is a blessing...

I am currently considering a new will to take the current situation into
account, and am just deciding between a couple of options for legal
guardians for the kids. Once i have made my mind up, that will be the next
major task. I am fortunate enough to have death in service benefit at work,
should anything happen to me, but life insurance will be a must should I
decide to change job / quit work, etc...

My last day off was spent in the park with the kids and my Mum, and then
watching the rugby (Ireland vs Wales), which was good. Had a long chat with
an old school friend, and now just relaxing before trying to get an early
night. Yesterday was a bit of a low day for me, though today has been
better. I imagine that the rollercoaster ride I am on will get steeper over
the next months, but as you said, I just need to focus on getting out of bed
every morning - everything else follows on from that.

Patrick



  #10  
Old February 8th 07, 12:27 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Patrick Mullin
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 8
Default So... How was the first day back? And the second?

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
Patrick,
I hope everything went ok and that you're getting back into the swing of
things.

'Kate


Kate,

Thanks for taking an interest.

Work is slow. My concentration and drive are diminished, but I am finding
meetings constructive. It is the bureaucracy and form filling which seem
really mindless at the moment. I am sure that I am nowhere near as
productive at the moment, but do believe that it is good for me to try to
get back into a routine.

I haven't even looked at my college course, which started Sunday, but think
that when my Mum goes back home, it will be another useful distraction.

Our wedding photographer send me digital copies of all of our wedding photos
today, which was really good of him. Spent some time sorting them out today.
Funny that they don't invoke the same emotions in me as more recent photos,
but I suppose that is normal.

I just feel that whilst my rational mind has accepted the reality of it all,
my emotional mind is still in denial. I think that over the coming weeks,
when I have no adult company of an evening, it will hit me harder. Part of
me is looking forward to that, so that I do not feel so much like a fraud.

Anyway, thanks for checking up on me - I do appreciate it, especially from
one who can relate to the situation.

Bless you,

Patrick


 




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