Book Recommendation

I'm only 50 pages in, but I have to recommend "What No One Tells the
Mom" by Marg Stark. Her other book, "What No One Tells the Bride"
basically saved the first year of my marriage, and this one is every
bit as good. I wish I'd had it months ago. I've just had a very
personal, and yet very HUGE breakthrough about the reason why I was so
terrified when I was pregnant. I'm not going to go into details, but
after figuring it out, and having a good cry, a lot of things about the
last year are starting to make sense... Things are in focus again, and
I'm on the road to understanding what has happened to me, and that's
nothing but a good thing, IMHO.

If I'm on the road to understanding myself, it can't be long before I
see myself hitchhiking along here somewhere, wondering where I've been
all this time...

Amy
(not affiliated with the author or publisher in any way, but I do have
a "frequent buyer" card at Barnes and Noble)

In article .com,
"Amy" wrote:

I'm only 50 pages in, but I have to recommend "What No One Tells the
Mom" by Marg Stark. Her other book, "What No One Tells the Bride"
basically saved the first year of my marriage, and this one is every
bit as good. I wish I'd had it months ago.

I must say I'm a bit disappointed now. I just read the excerpt on Amazon, and
I haven't thrown *any* phones at anyone/anything, and I've had two kids.
After I've had a sulk I'll go shopping for gelignite :-)

I'm interested in why motherhood is so shattering for some people and not for
others.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

"In Melbourne there is plenty of vigour and eagerness, but there is
nothing worth being eager or vigorous about."
Francis Adams, The Australians, 1893.

Chookie wrote:
In article .com,
"Amy" wrote:


I'm only 50 pages in, but I have to recommend "What No One Tells the
Mom" by Marg Stark. Her other book, "What No One Tells the Bride"
basically saved the first year of my marriage, and this one is every
bit as good. I wish I'd had it months ago.


I must say I'm a bit disappointed now. I just read the excerpt on Amazon, and
I haven't thrown *any* phones at anyone/anything, and I've had two kids.
After I've had a sulk I'll go shopping for gelignite :-)

I'm interested in why motherhood is so shattering for some people and not for
others.


sounds like some relevant reading for me. i'm putting it on my "read
when i get some time/money" list.

--
elizabeth (in australia)
DS1 20th august 2002
DS2 26th September 2005

"In raising my children, I have lost my mind but found my soul."
--Lisa T. Shepherd

In message .com, Amy
writes
I'm only 50 pages in, but I have to recommend "What No One Tells the
Mom" by Marg Stark. Her other book, "What No One Tells the Bride"
basically saved the first year of my marriage, and this one is every
bit as good.

I'm intrigued. Please can you summarise was "WNOTTB" is about?
--
Mogget

Chookie wrote:
In article .com,
"Amy" wrote:

I'm only 50 pages in, but I have to recommend "What No One Tells the
Mom" by Marg Stark. Her other book, "What No One Tells the Bride"
basically saved the first year of my marriage, and this one is every
bit as good. I wish I'd had it months ago.

I must say I'm a bit disappointed now. I just read the excerpt on Amazon, and
I haven't thrown *any* phones at anyone/anything, and I've had two kids.
After I've had a sulk I'll go shopping for gelignite :-)

I'm interested in why motherhood is so shattering for some people and not for
others.

She actually addresses that. She hypothesizes that younger moms have
"less to lose" in terms of career and money, because they aren't as
established, so they don't feel the loss of a job the way older moms
do. Younger moms also tend to "deal" better, because they have more
energy, generally, than older moms. She also thinks it has a lot to do
with your temperament as a person prior to having a baby, regardless of
age. It's really interesting, and thought provoking, the way she
breaks it all down...

Amy (I haven't thrown anything, yet, either, but I did drop an entire
high-chair-tray full of toys on the floor yesterday out of sheer
frustration)

Mogget wrote:
In message .com, Amy
writes
I'm only 50 pages in, but I have to recommend "What No One Tells the
Mom" by Marg Stark. Her other book, "What No One Tells the Bride"
basically saved the first year of my marriage, and this one is every
bit as good.

I'm intrigued. Please can you summarise was "WNOTTB" is about?

The Bride or The Mom?

Amazon's page for the Bride:
http://makeashorterlink.com/?U3FD1318C

The Mom:
http://makeashorterlink.com/?B5ED6218C

I sat here and thought about it for a good long time before I realized
what it is that these books have given me... I really think that it
boils down to the peace that comes with knowing that all the scary
things I'm feeling (or that I felt) are NORMAL and have happened to
other people who have gone on to be happy. Therefore, I'm not nuts (a
fact that I have to constantly remind myself of) and I do have a shot
at surviving this and being happy.

Our first year of marriage was a big adjustment. It was 2001, so you
all know what was going on in the world, and there was almost as much
turmoil in our extended family (and I was at the epicenter of a lot of
it, through absolutely no fault of my own). It was such a hard time...
Reading WNOTTB basically reassured me that it was a huge life change,
getting married, and that it was normal to have some conflicting and
scary feelings about it - especially in the face of the crises that
were going on both in our lives and in the world. WNOTTM, so far, is
doing the same thing - reassuring me that even good moms sometimes
think about getting in the car and driving away, that even good moms
sometimes wonder if they're cut out for being a mother, that even good
moms have moments of doubt, regret, fear, and longing for the way
things used to be. And it basically is giving me permission to feel
that way, which is relieving a lot of guilt.

I guess I'm still recovering from the PPD. I feel like I have to make
those first few months up to her, somehow, and that even doing my best
every day isn't good enough. It just helps so much to know that I'm
not alone in the way I feel.

Amy

Have you read the book Operating Instructions, by Anne Lamott? Hysterically
funny, and poignant, and along those same lines, except a true story. I
loved this book when I first read it, a bazillion years ago, before I had
kids, or was even trying, and bought 10 copies and gave them to every friend
who gave birth. A really great book. If you haven't read it yet, get a
copy and read it next!
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys, 1/3/03 -- Who's got the Christmas spirit, singing all day
long, "You put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking
out the doooo-oooo-ooor!
Addison Grace, 9/30/04 -- My Little Ham, who smiles so big her eyes
disappear and she says, "Cheese" on command. Although it sounds more like
"eeeeeesssshhh"!

Check out the family! -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1, Password:
Guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password

"Amy" wrote in message
ups.com...

Mogget wrote:
In message .com, Amy
writes
I'm only 50 pages in, but I have to recommend "What No One Tells the
Mom" by Marg Stark. Her other book, "What No One Tells the Bride"
basically saved the first year of my marriage, and this one is every
bit as good.

I'm intrigued. Please can you summarise was "WNOTTB" is about?

The Bride or The Mom?

Amazon's page for the Bride:
http://makeashorterlink.com/?U3FD1318C

The Mom:
http://makeashorterlink.com/?B5ED6218C

I sat here and thought about it for a good long time before I realized
what it is that these books have given me... I really think that it
boils down to the peace that comes with knowing that all the scary
things I'm feeling (or that I felt) are NORMAL and have happened to
other people who have gone on to be happy. Therefore, I'm not nuts (a
fact that I have to constantly remind myself of) and I do have a shot
at surviving this and being happy.

Our first year of marriage was a big adjustment. It was 2001, so you
all know what was going on in the world, and there was almost as much
turmoil in our extended family (and I was at the epicenter of a lot of
it, through absolutely no fault of my own). It was such a hard time...
Reading WNOTTB basically reassured me that it was a huge life change,
getting married, and that it was normal to have some conflicting and
scary feelings about it - especially in the face of the crises that
were going on both in our lives and in the world. WNOTTM, so far, is
doing the same thing - reassuring me that even good moms sometimes
think about getting in the car and driving away, that even good moms
sometimes wonder if they're cut out for being a mother, that even good
moms have moments of doubt, regret, fear, and longing for the way
things used to be. And it basically is giving me permission to feel
that way, which is relieving a lot of guilt.

I guess I'm still recovering from the PPD. I feel like I have to make
those first few months up to her, somehow, and that even doing my best
every day isn't good enough. It just helps so much to know that I'm
not alone in the way I feel.

Amy

"Chookie" wrote in message
I must say I'm a bit disappointed now. I just read the excerpt on Amazon,
and I haven't thrown *any* phones at anyone/anything, and I've had two
kids. After I've had a sulk I'll go shopping for gelignite :-)

I'm interested in why motherhood is so shattering for some people and not
for others.

It can depend on the temperment of the children and how closely they match
the moms. It also depends on the age of the child. If you are a parent of a
baby, that to me isn't very stressful. However, if they children are older
and there are more than one of them, it can be stressful. There are many
days I want to throw the phone at someone.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

Sue wrote:

It can depend on the temperment of the children and how closely they match
the moms. It also depends on the age of the child. If you are a parent of a
baby, that to me isn't very stressful. However, if they children are older
and there are more than one of them, it can be stressful. There are many
days I want to throw the phone at someone.

See, I'm the opposite. This newborn/baby stuff has been really hard
for me, but I'm great with older kids, always have been. My friends
with kids would call me for advice before I had a kid of my own. I
know that the toddler years are going to be a lot easier on me (ok, I
really shouldn't tempt fate... I *expect*, knowing myself and my
history with children, that the toddler years will be a lot easier on
me...). And that 4 - 12 range is when you get to do all the cool stuff
with them - when they still want you around, but they're old enough
that they can enjoy doing things, like going to the museum or a concert
or a play. I don't even have much fear of the teen years, to be
honest, because I did everything shocking when I was a teenager, and I
lived, so chances are she won't find anything to shock me (touch wood)
and we'll get through it. It's her dad I worry about - he's going to
need sedatives for the teen years. He still hasn't rebelled and he's
going to be 30 this year. He just won't get it if she rebels.

We're all different. Isn't it amazing?

Amy
(no, you can not mail your older kids to me, unless they're old enough
to babysit, so don't ask. )

In article . com,
"Amy" wrote:

WNOTTM, so far, is
doing the same thing - reassuring me that even good moms sometimes
think about getting in the car and driving away, that even good moms
sometimes wonder if they're cut out for being a mother, that even good
moms have moments of doubt, regret, fear, and longing for the way
things used to be. And it basically is giving me permission to feel
that way, which is relieving a lot of guilt.

Now this is interesting, and I hope my question doesn't feel like I'm picking
on you, but it wounds like you must have thought:

- motherhood doesn't have bad days
- motherhood doesn't have different stages, and if it does, I will cope well
with ALL of them
- motherhood won't have bits I don't like
- if I don't enjoy/cope with some part of motherhood, that means I must be a
lousy mother
- if I ask for help, I must be a lousy mother

The reason this is interesting to me is that the people I know IRL who have
had PPD seem to all have very perfectionist or all-or-nothing approaches, and
to have been quite unrealistic about motherhood. They tended to say things
like, "I'll never, ever sm*ck my child," or "I'll never, ever raise my voice",
and when things go "wrong" they are slow to ask for help (or to go on meds),
often seeing that as somehow wrong.

It seems to me that in some cases, when the blowfly of unrealistic
expectations hits the windscreen of reality, PPD is what we call the squashed
mess left behind! IOW PPD is a normal reaction -- the abnormal expectations
ahead of it are the real problem.

I guess I'm still recovering from the PPD. I feel like I have to make
those first few months up to her, somehow, and that even doing my best
every day isn't good enough.

In my denomination these are called works of supererogation, "which cannot be
taught without arrogancy and impiety"!

How can you do more than your best? What if shock, horror! you don't do
your best one day? How can you make up sick days in motherhood, when you never
clock off? Who says you have to anyway? And, um, *what* do you do to make
up? Change nappies more often than required? Bath the baby twice a day?
Going by my kids, that would be worse than whatever was the first crime you
committed!

As my Grandma used to say: Tomorrow is another day.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

"In Melbourne there is plenty of vigour and eagerness, but there is
nothing worth being eager or vigorous about."
Francis Adams, The Australians, 1893.