A Room of One's Own

toypup wrote:
On Thu, 14 Feb 2008 17:35:56 -0500, Ericka Kammerer wrote:

Rosalie B. wrote:
Ericka Kammerer wrote:
I wouldn't dismantle the room the day after my child left
for college, but I wouldn't feel compelled to let a room sit
that fallow for years on end while the people living in the
home year round are cramped for space either.

I don't agree. My mom kept my room and my sister's room - and we
returned home for various periods and felt welcomed. Mom did
sometimes let other people stay there, and in one case a student lived
with her for a semester upstairs in my room. But it was still my room
until she died.
Different strokes, I guess. For myself, I can't make
sense of the idea that a significant portion of my home
should be off limits to more practical uses in order to
maintain a space for children who are grown adults with
homes of their own.

I think the key for most people is when the room is converted immediately
when there is no pressing reason and the grown child has just recently
moved out to a dorm or some other temporary college housing and really
doesn't have a "home of their own." Until they actually get a "home of
their own," it is nice to know they actually have a place that feels like
home. A guest room just doesn't feel very inviting to someone who used to
actually live there.

It is different if there is a need, or if more time has elapsed or if the
child has found more permanent housing.

True, but I think different people have different
interpretations of that timing. I agree with Banty that it's
a time of transition, but I think it's transition on both sides,
not a transition where the child is owed a totally dedicated
private space at the parents' home. The child is gaining independence,
and may not have a permanent home of his or her own, but is building
a life apart from his or her parents. Personally, I don't think it's
unreasonable that one corollary of that is that the child's room at
the parents home starts to transition away from being 100 percent
the child's personal space, *especially* when that space would be
useful to someone else. And I think it's the *reality* that once
one begins that move away from one's parents' home, that place is
no longer home in the way it used to be. You're *supposed* to
be looking forward to making your own way in the world and finding
your own home, even though everyone understands it will take years
to finish that transition.
So, again, I wouldn't gut the room and totally redecorate
and put the child's stuff in long term storage the day after
the child leaves for college, but I wouldn't see a thing wrong
with minor changes to make the room more suitable as a guest room
or office or whatever the family needs, even early in the child's
college career. And I surely wouldn't expect my parents to die
with my childhood room still available in their home, nor would
I even think to maintain my children's rooms after they were gone
and married and with families of their own, as is apparently the
case for Rosalie. (Obviously, it's her prerogative to do so and
I don't have to understand it, but I don't think it's something
that is *owed* to any normal, healthy child--not that she suggested
it was a requirement.)

Best wishes,
Ericka

On Feb 14, 4:29*pm, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
toypup wrote:
On Thu, 14 Feb 2008 17:35:56 -0500, Ericka Kammerer wrote:

Rosalie B. wrote:
Ericka Kammerer wrote:
* * * *I wouldn't dismantle the room the day after my child left
for college, but I wouldn't feel compelled to let a room sit
that fallow for years on end while the people living in the
home year round are cramped for space either.

I don't agree. *My mom kept my room and my sister's room - and we
returned home for various periods and felt welcomed. *Mom did
sometimes let other people stay there, and in one case a student lived
with her for a semester upstairs in my room. *But it was still my room
until she died.
* * * *Different strokes, I guess. *For myself, I can't make
sense of the idea that a significant portion of my home
should be off limits to more practical uses in order to
maintain a space for children who are grown adults with
homes of their own. *

I think the key for most people is when the room is converted immediately
when there is no pressing reason and the grown child has just recently
moved out to a dorm or some other temporary college housing and really
doesn't have a "home of their own." *Until they actually get a "home of
their own," it is nice to know they actually have a place that feels like
home. *A guest room just doesn't feel very inviting to someone who used to
actually live there.

It is different if there is a need, or if more time has elapsed or if the
child has found more permanent housing.

* * * * True, but I think different people have different
interpretations of that timing. *I agree with Banty that it's
a time of transition, but I think it's transition on both sides,
not a transition where the child is owed a totally dedicated
private space at the parents' home. *The child is gaining independence,
and may not have a permanent home of his or her own, but is building
a life apart from his or her parents. *Personally, I don't think it's
unreasonable that one corollary of that is that the child's room at
the parents home starts to transition away from being 100 percent
the child's personal space, *especially* when that space would be
useful to someone else. *And I think it's the *reality* that once
one begins that move away from one's parents' home, that place is
no longer home in the way it used to be. *You're *supposed* to
be looking forward to making your own way in the world and finding
your own home, even though everyone understands it will take years
to finish that transition.
* * * * So, again, I wouldn't gut the room and totally redecorate
and put the child's stuff in long term storage the day after
the child leaves for college, but I wouldn't see a thing wrong
with minor changes to make the room more suitable as a guest room
or office or whatever the family needs, even early in the child's
college career. *And I surely wouldn't expect my parents to die
with my childhood room still available in their home, nor would
I even think to maintain my children's rooms after they were gone
and married and with families of their own, as is apparently the
case for Rosalie. *(Obviously, it's her prerogative to do so and
I don't have to understand it, but I don't think it's something
that is *owed* to any normal, healthy child--not that she suggested
it was a requirement.)

Best wishes,
Ericka- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

Gradually transitioning makes sense, yes. And in all likelihood the
kid can be a part of that process -- ie, take some stuff off the
walls, maybe clear out some space in a bookcase, etc. I wonder too,
Ericka, if part of how you feel about this is shaped by the fact that
you moved a lot as a kid and probably were never that emotionallly
attached to a house or room. My parents have been in the same house
since I was 5 years old, I've moved back in and out a couple of times
as an adult, and it's no longer clear if my old room should be called
"Kate's room" or "The Bug's room", as my daughter now spends one day a
week with that as her playroom when my parents babysit. Our wedding
album starts out with pictures of me and my bridesmaids getting ready
in my old room. My room certainly no longer looks like it did when I
was in high school, but there's still some of my stuff in there
precisely because there's nothing more pressing to do with the space.
Even now, grown and married with a kid (almost two) of my own it'll be
a sad, sad day for me when my parents leave that house. Unless it's
because our family (as in me, DH, the Bug, and Little Dude) is moving
in.

Kate, ignorant foot soldier of the medical cartel
and the Bug, 4 and a half
and something brewing, 4/08

Ericka Kammerer wrote:

toypup wrote:
On Thu, 14 Feb 2008 17:35:56 -0500, Ericka Kammerer wrote:

Rosalie B. wrote:
Ericka Kammerer wrote:
I wouldn't dismantle the room the day after my child left
for college, but I wouldn't feel compelled to let a room sit
that fallow for years on end while the people living in the
home year round are cramped for space either.

I don't agree. My mom kept my room and my sister's room - and we
returned home for various periods and felt welcomed. Mom did
sometimes let other people stay there, and in one case a student lived
with her for a semester upstairs in my room. But it was still my room
until she died.
Different strokes, I guess. For myself, I can't make
sense of the idea that a significant portion of my home
should be off limits to more practical uses in order to
maintain a space for children who are grown adults with
homes of their own.

I think the key for most people is when the room is converted immediately
when there is no pressing reason and the grown child has just recently
moved out to a dorm or some other temporary college housing and really
doesn't have a "home of their own." Until they actually get a "home of
their own," it is nice to know they actually have a place that feels like
home. A guest room just doesn't feel very inviting to someone who used to
actually live there.

It is different if there is a need, or if more time has elapsed or if the
child has found more permanent housing.

True, but I think different people have different
interpretations of that timing. I agree with Banty that it's
a time of transition, but I think it's transition on both sides,
not a transition where the child is owed a totally dedicated
private space at the parents' home. The child is gaining independence,
and may not have a permanent home of his or her own, but is building
a life apart from his or her parents. Personally, I don't think it's
unreasonable that one corollary of that is that the child's room at
the parents home starts to transition away from being 100 percent
the child's personal space, *especially* when that space would be
useful to someone else. And I think it's the *reality* that once
one begins that move away from one's parents' home, that place is
no longer home in the way it used to be. You're *supposed* to
be looking forward to making your own way in the world and finding
your own home, even though everyone understands it will take years
to finish that transition.

But you see, nowadays not everyone moved out/on right away after
college. Especially I understand in Great Britain where the children
may not be able to afford their own housing.

If there is a need for the room - that is if there are younger
siblings that are sharing, then the college person can be a part of
changing the house - they will then understand the need. But just to
have a sewing room or a place to do one's stamp collection or
something - doesn't need to have the room completely redecorated. And
I would not think that a guest room would be any kind of requirement
for the family and I think 'redecorating' for that would be a complete
waste of money. Guests can certainly stay in the absent child's room
without having to redo the room completely.

Once one has the family house, with rooms for the various occupants,
it's not really necessary or even possible to downsize at once unless
one moves house as soon as the children leave the household. With
four children, the last two times we moved, we got or remodeled to
obtain a house with 5 bedrooms and a couple of bathrooms. We lived
out in the country so we could do that. And we are in the same house
that we moved to last - it has 5 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms.

We don't use the rooms most of the time, so we shut off the heat to
those rooms and close the doors. But there's no need to redecorate or
shovel out the children's possessions to the dump because we don't
have any other real use for most of the rooms. They are used for
storage mostly as we have no basement and not much of an attic.

My children have been better than I was about voluntarily cleaning
their stuff out of their rooms. For instance, my mom gave dd#3 an
antique spool bed that belonged to my great great grandparents. She
slept in it as a child, and she has that bed in her home now. (Or
actually her MIL has it in her spare bedroom now.) She also has my
mom's old school desk and dresser in her dd's room.

So, again, I wouldn't gut the room and totally redecorate
and put the child's stuff in long term storage the day after
the child leaves for college, but I wouldn't see a thing wrong
with minor changes to make the room more suitable as a guest room
or office or whatever the family needs, even early in the child's
college career. And I surely wouldn't expect my parents to die
with my childhood room still available in their home, nor would
I even think to maintain my children's rooms after they were gone
and married and with families of their own, as is apparently the
case for Rosalie. (Obviously, it's her prerogative to do so and
I don't have to understand it, but I don't think it's something
that is *owed* to any normal, healthy child--not that she suggested
it was a requirement.)

On Feb 14, 7:12*pm, Akuvikate wrote:
On Feb 14, 4:29*pm, Ericka Kammerer wrote:





toypup wrote:
On Thu, 14 Feb 2008 17:35:56 -0500, Ericka Kammerer wrote:

Rosalie B. wrote:
Ericka Kammerer wrote:
* * * *I wouldn't dismantle the room the day after my child left
for college, but I wouldn't feel compelled to let a room sit
that fallow for years on end while the people living in the
home year round are cramped for space either.

I don't agree. *My mom kept my room and my sister's room - and we
returned home for various periods and felt welcomed. *Mom did
sometimes let other people stay there, and in one case a student lived
with her for a semester upstairs in my room. *But it was still my room
until she died.
* * * *Different strokes, I guess. *For myself, I can't make
sense of the idea that a significant portion of my home
should be off limits to more practical uses in order to
maintain a space for children who are grown adults with
homes of their own. *

I think the key for most people is when the room is converted immediately
when there is no pressing reason and the grown child has just recently
moved out to a dorm or some other temporary college housing and really
doesn't have a "home of their own." *Until they actually get a "home of
their own," it is nice to know they actually have a place that feels like
home. *A guest room just doesn't feel very inviting to someone who used to
actually live there.

It is different if there is a need, or if more time has elapsed or if the
child has found more permanent housing.

* * * * True, but I think different people have different
interpretations of that timing. *I agree with Banty that it's
a time of transition, but I think it's transition on both sides,
not a transition where the child is owed a totally dedicated
private space at the parents' home. *The child is gaining independence,
and may not have a permanent home of his or her own, but is building
a life apart from his or her parents. *Personally, I don't think it's
unreasonable that one corollary of that is that the child's room at
the parents home starts to transition away from being 100 percent
the child's personal space, *especially* when that space would be
useful to someone else. *And I think it's the *reality* that once
one begins that move away from one's parents' home, that place is
no longer home in the way it used to be. *You're *supposed* to
be looking forward to making your own way in the world and finding
your own home, even though everyone understands it will take years
to finish that transition.
* * * * So, again, I wouldn't gut the room and totally redecorate
and put the child's stuff in long term storage the day after
the child leaves for college, but I wouldn't see a thing wrong
with minor changes to make the room more suitable as a guest room
or office or whatever the family needs, even early in the child's
college career. *And I surely wouldn't expect my parents to die
with my childhood room still available in their home, nor would
I even think to maintain my children's rooms after they were gone
and married and with families of their own, as is apparently the
case for Rosalie. *(Obviously, it's her prerogative to do so and
I don't have to understand it, but I don't think it's something
that is *owed* to any normal, healthy child--not that she suggested
it was a requirement.)

Best wishes,
Ericka- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

Gradually transitioning makes sense, yes. *And in all likelihood the
kid *can be a part of that process -- ie, take some stuff off the
walls, maybe clear out some space in a bookcase, etc. *I wonder too,
Ericka, if part of how you feel about this is shaped by the fact that
you moved a lot as a kid and probably were never that emotionallly
attached to a house or room. *

This conversation is funny. In my parents' house when one kid moved
out another took over their room. There was no 'transition', you
moved out you gave up your room. My eldest sister always laughs
because she finally got her own room when she was 17, a few months
before she moved out for college. Sister #3 took it over immediately.

When I moved out, 3 siblings still lived at home and everyone had
their own room, so my room became the guest room for couples - out
with the twin beds, they bought a new queen bed. There was nothing of
'mine' left in it.

FTR - I lived in the same house all my growing up years, my parents
sold it only a few years ago (after 35+ years there). However it was
in a state of renovation over 15 years or so, and we all fluctuated
rooms so much no one ever got too attached to one room.

Akuvikate wrote:

Gradually transitioning makes sense, yes. And in all likelihood the
kid can be a part of that process -- ie, take some stuff off the
walls, maybe clear out some space in a bookcase, etc. I wonder too,
Ericka, if part of how you feel about this is shaped by the fact that
you moved a lot as a kid and probably were never that emotionallly
attached to a house or room.

I'm sure that's part of it. My focus was always on the
family, and to a lesser extent on the "stuff" rather than the
walls, floor and ceiling. But I think part of it was also just
that I was raised to believe that there would come a time when
I was to be an adult and make my own way in the world. Even as
a freshman in college, I'd have lived on Ramen for a month
rather than call and ask for money from my parents. I felt
that it was a time for me to take care of myself to the
maximum extent possible (which wasn't 100 percent at that time,
but I was darned well going to do what I could). I just wouldn't
have had the gall to tell my parents that they couldn't use
my room while I was gone because I knew I was a short-timer
at that point in my parents' home. Sure, there could have been
circumstances that would have forced me back there longer term,
and they would have been happy to accommodate (in fact I did live
there for a year between undergrad and grad school because I knew
it was only going to be a one year break and they offered), but
I always felt a little like a guest in the home after leaving
for college because in my opinion, I *was* a guest. They'd
fulfilled their obligation to keep a roof over my head, and
the rest was just gravy.

My parents have been in the same house
since I was 5 years old, I've moved back in and out a couple of times
as an adult, and it's no longer clear if my old room should be called
"Kate's room" or "The Bug's room", as my daughter now spends one day a
week with that as her playroom when my parents babysit. Our wedding
album starts out with pictures of me and my bridesmaids getting ready
in my old room. My room certainly no longer looks like it did when I
was in high school, but there's still some of my stuff in there
precisely because there's nothing more pressing to do with the space.

As I said before, if there really is nothing more pressing
to do with the space, that's one thing. That just wasn't the
scenario for my parents when I went off to school, nor will it
likely be the case when my kids go off to school.

Even now, grown and married with a kid (almost two) of my own it'll be
a sad, sad day for me when my parents leave that house. Unless it's
because our family (as in me, DH, the Bug, and Little Dude) is moving
in.

I can understand being sentimental about a house as
a part of one's history, and I've certainly had those feelings.
Maybe I'm just more ruthless than the average bear, but while
I feel those feelings, I can't see letting past memories stand
in the way of living the life that seems appropriate for the
present. Take a photograph, preserve a bit of memorabilia,
take something from the old and incorporate it into the new,
but life moves on.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Rosalie B. wrote:

But you see, nowadays not everyone moved out/on right away after
college. Especially I understand in Great Britain where the children
may not be able to afford their own housing.

Different cultures have different ground rules, so I
can't speak to what would be appropriate for the UK.

If there is a need for the room - that is if there are younger
siblings that are sharing, then the college person can be a part of
changing the house - they will then understand the need. But just to
have a sewing room or a place to do one's stamp collection or
something - doesn't need to have the room completely redecorated. And
I would not think that a guest room would be any kind of requirement
for the family and I think 'redecorating' for that would be a complete
waste of money. Guests can certainly stay in the absent child's room
without having to redo the room completely.

But my opinion is that it's the parents' home, they've
fulfilled their obligation to the child, having gotten him or
her to adulthood, and further housing is a *favor* to the child,
not a right. I think it would be a bit cold of parents to turn
the kid out and tell them never to come back after the start of
the freshman year, but the notion that the child is somehow
owed that room despite it not being in use for the majority
of the year strikes me as very odd. And it's not the child's
place to judge what the parent or family "needs." If the
younger sibs have shared rooms all along, clearly they don't
absolutely *need* to take over the college-bound sib's room,
but it sure as heck doesn't make a lot of sense to me to insist
they continue sharing. *You* may not see a guest room as
necessary, but my parents have so many houseguests that they
keep *two* guest rooms in pretty hot rotation. Different
families have different needs.

We don't use the rooms most of the time, so we shut off the heat to
those rooms and close the doors. But there's no need to redecorate or
shovel out the children's possessions to the dump because we don't
have any other real use for most of the rooms. They are used for
storage mostly as we have no basement and not much of an attic.

Again, *YOU* have the room and feel you don't have much
need for that space. My point, as I said previously, was that
many families, including mine, *do* have alternative uses for
the space that make a lot more sense (to me) than letting
that space lie largely dormant.

My children have been better than I was about voluntarily cleaning
their stuff out of their rooms. For instance, my mom gave dd#3 an
antique spool bed that belonged to my great great grandparents. She
slept in it as a child, and she has that bed in her home now. (Or
actually her MIL has it in her spare bedroom now.) She also has my
mom's old school desk and dresser in her dd's room.

When I had a home of my own that was credibly big enough
to hold all my stuff, my Dad was up in the attic moving my
stuff out ;-) I didn't mind. It wasn't his job to play storage
shed for all my stuff! If it was important enough to keep, it
was important enough for me to find space for it myself. The
funny thing was the ensuing debates with him trying to shove
stuff out of the attic and me standing below saying, "THAT'S
NOT *MINE*, DAD!!!" Now, when they're getting rid of stuff
they think I might be sentimental about, they give me a call
and give me or my sister first dibs on it before it goes out.

Best wishes,
Ericka

On Feb 15, 7:08*am, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Sure, there could have been
circumstances that would have forced me back there longer term,
and they would have been happy to accommodate (in fact I did live
there for a year between undergrad and grad school because I knew
it was only going to be a one year break and they offered), but
I always felt a little like a guest in the home after leaving
for college because in my opinion, I *was* a guest. *They'd
fulfilled their obligation to keep a roof over my head, and
the rest was just gravy.

Legally, the parental obligation to house the child may end at age 18,
but I think when the children should leave home should depend on their
career and educational needs and on when they get married. If my kids
wanted to live at home during college or graduate school to save money
or while they worked after high school, that ought to be fine. What
would just the two of us do with a 4 bedroom house anyway? Since my
wife and I intend to pay for their college expenses (provided they
have worked hard in school and tried to obtain merit-based
scholarships), and since room and board costs about $10K a year, their
living at home during college would save us $40K. Maybe our giving a
child $40K for a down payment on a house after he or she graduated
from college would better encourage independence in the long term.

Of course, when my kids become teenagers, I may be singing a different
tune. But I hope not.

On Feb 15, 7:19 am, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Rosalie B. wrote:
But you see, nowadays not everyone moved out/on right away after
college. Especially I understand in Great Britain where the children
may not be able to afford their own housing.

Different cultures have different ground rules, so I
can't speak to what would be appropriate for the UK.

If there is a need for the room - that is if there are younger
siblings that are sharing, then the college person can be a part of
changing the house - they will then understand the need. But just to
have a sewing room or a place to do one's stamp collection or
something - doesn't need to have the room completely redecorated. And
I would not think that a guest room would be any kind of requirement
for the family and I think 'redecorating' for that would be a complete
waste of money. Guests can certainly stay in the absent child's room
without having to redo the room completely.

But my opinion is that it's the parents' home, they've
fulfilled their obligation to the child, having gotten him or
her to adulthood, and further housing is a *favor* to the child,
not a right.

For us, once we went to college, we were always welcome to move back
home, with the expectation that we would be paying rent and a share of
other expenses. Our situation sounds similar to cjra's, where siblings
are moving into a 'new' room as someone is packing up to leave.

My parents were emotionally supportive, and did contribute what they
could to our college expenses (I was a Pell Grant recipient), but the
decision-making for what to do during winter break and summers off in
college came down to cold hard financial calculations. It would have
been cheaper to pay rent at home, but the jobs weren't there -- once I
went to college, I never 'lived' at home again, and had no expectation
of doing so. In my family, the standard 'joke' goobye was 'write if
you find work!'

It would have been strange for my parents to maintain a room for
someone who isn't there. I think there are a lot of ways of finding
'alone time and space' even amidst a crowd, and I believe it's a
helpful skill to cultivate; without this skill, living in dorm room
(non-single), working in a cubicle, riding public transportation,
flying coach weekly -- I can't see how this could be bearable.

Caledonia

I think it would be a bit cold of parents to turn
the kid out and tell them never to come back after the start of
the freshman year, but the notion that the child is somehow
owed that room despite it not being in use for the majority
of the year strikes me as very odd. And it's not the child's
place to judge what the parent or family "needs." If the
younger sibs have shared rooms all along, clearly they don't
absolutely *need* to take over the college-bound sib's room,
but it sure as heck doesn't make a lot of sense to me to insist
they continue sharing. *You* may not see a guest room as
necessary, but my parents have so many houseguests that they
keep *two* guest rooms in pretty hot rotation. Different
families have different needs.

In article ,
Caledonia says...

On Feb 15, 7:19 am, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Rosalie B. wrote:
But you see, nowadays not everyone moved out/on right away after
college. Especially I understand in Great Britain where the children
may not be able to afford their own housing.

Different cultures have different ground rules, so I
can't speak to what would be appropriate for the UK.

If there is a need for the room - that is if there are younger
siblings that are sharing, then the college person can be a part of
changing the house - they will then understand the need. But just to
have a sewing room or a place to do one's stamp collection or
something - doesn't need to have the room completely redecorated. And
I would not think that a guest room would be any kind of requirement
for the family and I think 'redecorating' for that would be a complete
waste of money. Guests can certainly stay in the absent child's room
without having to redo the room completely.

But my opinion is that it's the parents' home, they've
fulfilled their obligation to the child, having gotten him or
her to adulthood, and further housing is a *favor* to the child,
not a right.

For us, once we went to college, we were always welcome to move back
home, with the expectation that we would be paying rent and a share of
other expenses. Our situation sounds similar to cjra's, where siblings
are moving into a 'new' room as someone is packing up to leave.

My parents were emotionally supportive, and did contribute what they
could to our college expenses (I was a Pell Grant recipient), but the
decision-making for what to do during winter break and summers off in
college came down to cold hard financial calculations. It would have
been cheaper to pay rent at home, but the jobs weren't there -- once I
went to college, I never 'lived' at home again, and had no expectation
of doing so. In my family, the standard 'joke' goobye was 'write if
you find work!'

It would have been strange for my parents to maintain a room for
someone who isn't there. I think there are a lot of ways of finding
'alone time and space' even amidst a crowd, and I believe it's a
helpful skill to cultivate; without this skill, living in dorm room
(non-single), working in a cubicle, riding public transportation,
flying coach weekly -- I can't see how this could be bearable.


It's quite a different thing to find alone "mental space" among strangers than
among friends or family.

Banty

In article ,
Beliavsky says...

On Feb 15, 7:08=A0am, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Sure, there could have been
circumstances that would have forced me back there longer term,
and they would have been happy to accommodate (in fact I did live
there for a year between undergrad and grad school because I knew
it was only going to be a one year break and they offered), but
I always felt a little like a guest in the home after leaving
for college because in my opinion, I *was* a guest. =A0They'd
fulfilled their obligation to keep a roof over my head, and
the rest was just gravy.

Legally, the parental obligation to house the child may end at age 18,
but I think when the children should leave home should depend on their
career and educational needs and on when they get married. If my kids
wanted to live at home during college or graduate school to save money
or while they worked after high school, that ought to be fine. What
would just the two of us do with a 4 bedroom house anyway? Since my
wife and I intend to pay for their college expenses (provided they
have worked hard in school and tried to obtain merit-based
scholarships), and since room and board costs about $10K a year, their
living at home during college would save us $40K. Maybe our giving a
child $40K for a down payment on a house after he or she graduated
from college would better encourage independence in the long term.

Of course, when my kids become teenagers, I may be singing a different
tune. But I hope not.

This is typical of the attitudes my coworkers have who are from (or are first
generation born in the US from..) India and China. Which is not one bit a
criticism. Family obligations to each other are much more extensive than for a
lot of Americans, with our rather individualistic culture. The parents'
obligations to their children even as they're grown, and children's obligations
to parents until their death. I've had several coworkers drop high-power
technical careers in the U.S. leave to return to India or China upon a parents
death or dotage, sometimes also to take up the family business. If for one
reason or another it falls to them (eldest son, for example). But those same
people also often had down payments for their houses paid for by parents, even
in their 30's, and members of the family will have flown around the world to
take up residence for some years while the childlren are little and both parents
work at said high level careers.

It's not wrong at all, it's just different. Large in both benefits and burdens.

Banty