If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. |
|
|
Thread Tools | Display Modes |
#1
|
|||
|
|||
intro and question attachment parenting
Hi there, my name is Alicia, I'm 29 and just had my first baby two months
ago. He's a wonderful baby, very alert, gorgeous and full of life. His name is Raine. Anyway, Raine has been crying quite a lot lately, not due to a growth spurt as he just got over one. I have elected an attachment parenting lifestyle with him. We co-sleep, I don't give him a pacifier, so I end up suckling him a lot because he is a very 'sucky' baby. I don't believe in letting him cry himself out, BUT, a few times lately I have found myself so exhausted that I can barely keep myself on two feet, nevermind take care of a baby. I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about it, but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes, and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly. What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this from time to time? My birth experience was terrible (45 hours of labour with a planned home birth ending in a c-section), following a very unhappy pregnancy (sick the whole time, pubis symphisis pain, and so on) so that's why I am still so tired. I love my baby immensely, we have definitely bonded, but sometimes I just feel so helpless to comfort him properly. So, any tips on coping would be great. I don't have anyone I can call on to help me at times like that. Thanks for your input, Alicia |
#2
|
|||
|
|||
intro and question attachment parenting
Alicia wrote:
Hi there, my name is Alicia, I'm 29 and just had my first baby two months ago. He's a wonderful baby, very alert, gorgeous and full of life. His name is Raine. Anyway, Raine has been crying quite a lot lately, not due to a growth spurt as he just got over one. I have elected an attachment parenting lifestyle with him. We co-sleep, I don't give him a pacifier, so I end up suckling him a lot because he is a very 'sucky' baby. I don't believe in letting him cry himself out, BUT, a few times lately I have found myself so exhausted that I can barely keep myself on two feet, nevermind take care of a baby. I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about it, but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes, and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly. What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this from time to time? Absolutely- my daughter now 15 was colicky and cryed herself to sleep pretty much every time for the first year of her life. I used to use a kitchen timer and set it for 15 minutes and put her down and then go get something to eat, jump in the shower, etc. For those who criticize, I say it's better than throwing her against the wall, which is what would have happened. As she got older, she would cry furiously for shorter and shorter periods of time- maybe even 30 seconds and then "clunk" but she almost always cried when put down and very, very seldom was I able to nurse her or rock her to sleep. Some babies cry when tired or overstimulated. I was not a big attachment parenting fan- I saw too many exhausted mothers who felt guilty no matter what they did. I breast fed my children and used a sling- but I got much better sleep with my kids in a crib with another room. Be sure you are not doing to much at home and if you have a partner that he is giving you a break. Even if you are nursing he can give the baby a bath, take him for a walk. etc. With my second, I expressed milk for one bottle a week and had my husband give it the first waking after 11:00 pm on Fridays. Just getting one 6 hours stretch of sleep a week made a big difference. Marion Baumgarten |
#3
|
|||
|
|||
intro and question attachment parenting
In article 6ZXhb.71133$pl3.4700@pd7tw3no,
Alicia wrote: I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about it, but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes, and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly. What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this from time to time? I think you may be overestimating the value of "attachment parenting" as the one true and correct way to parent. I understand that you prefer this philosophy, and that's great, to the extent that you can keep it up and stay sane! However, lots of parents who haven't chosen attachment parenting also end up with children who develop a trusting relationship with them as well. I have 3 boys, ages 2, 7 and 10yo, and they all have a very close relationship with me despite sleeping in their own cribs (after a bassinet or similar by my bed for *my* convenience in the early months) and occasionally being allowed to cry, and even being (gasp!) Ferberized (though I now believe there are gentler methods to achieve the same end). It sounds to me like you are looking for affirmation that you can put your baby down to cry when you're desperate, and still be a "good attachment parent". What I want to tell you instead is that you need not put a label on your parenting choices, nor worry about living up to someone else's standard of "attached enough". You need to do what feels right to you while meeting your own needs as well. It sounds like the solution you've come to for now is to adopt a basically attachment style of parenting, but needing to take some space occasionally. I think that's fine and I think your child will be fine. You may feel better if you learn to nurse in the sling and manage to get yourself something to eat, etc. while nursing. It's a learned skill, but worth working on. Older babies are generally easier to nurse while doing other things, so keep trying. No one *wants* to put their baby down and let them cry. Yet most parents end up doing it occasionally if they don't have someone else they can hand the baby off to when they have had it. It doesn't make you a bad parent. Whether or not it makes you a bad "attachment parent" I have no opinion nor standing to judge. Good luck, and enjoy your baby, and do be sure to take the time to heal from your own difficult birth as well. You don't do your child any favors by short-changing your own health! --Robyn (mommy to Ryan 9/93 and Matthew 6/96 and Evan 3/01) |
#4
|
|||
|
|||
intro and question attachment parenting
Alicia wrote in message news:6ZXhb.71133$pl3.4700@pd7tw3no...
Hi there, my name is Alicia, I'm 29 and just had my first baby two months ago. He's a wonderful baby, very alert, gorgeous and full of life. His name is Raine. Anyway, Raine has been crying quite a lot lately, not due to a growth spurt as he just got over one. I have elected an attachment parenting lifestyle with him. But beyond any philosophy or label, what you really want is what is best for him, right? That being the case, you need to be sure to take time for your needs, like eating and going to the bathroom. It's like what they tell you on the airplanes--put the oxygen on yourself first, then on baby. Because if your try to put it on the baby first, you might pass out, and then the baby is doomed. We co-sleep, I don't give him a pacifier, so I end up suckling him a lot because he is a very 'sucky' baby. I don't believe in letting him cry himself out, BUT, a few times lately I have found myself so exhausted that I can barely keep myself on two feet, nevermind take care of a baby. I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about it, So the real problem is your feelings, and not how the baby is being affected. but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes, and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly. I did this routinely, although I generally did it for just five minutes, and found I had to set a timer, and didn't believe how slow the time was going. For babies that are over-stimulated, this really is a necessary thing, and they can learn to calm themselves. Think of this as practice for telling him that he can't go to (fill in the blanks) an R-rated movie, or a semester abroad in France or the mall alone. Throughout his childhood and adolescence, you are going to be the one to set limits. He will scream. What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this from time to time? Raising kids is like raising a garden, you can ignore some aspects, or make mistakes, and still end up with a great harvest. An entire generation of American kids was raised without ever being breastfed, and yet many of them turned out well, with close relationships to mom and dad. In this case, you are doing so much right, give yourself credit and be confident in your relationship with your child, who sounds like a very fortunate baby. Colleen Kay Porter, mother of five, our youungest is 10 and the oldest is your age |
#5
|
|||
|
|||
intro and question attachment parenting
Hi Alicia,
first of all, a big cyber hug ((((Alicia)))) to you ! The first two- three months with a new baby, especially after a difficult pregnancy/birth can be soooo difficult! Give yourself a big pat on the back for starters! You are doing so many things right! You are nursing your baby (even though many mothers use a cesarean birth as a reason not to), you allow him the closeness of sleeping with you and being held a lot. You are asking for help when you need it and are thinking about the best way to parent -- which is more than can be said for many parents. Now for the "problem" and ways to address it: first off, I'd say, try to find an AP- oriented support group in your area, or, if none is available, online, or try and start one. Second, you didn't say if you sleep well at night -- can you sleep while the baby is nursing yet? Try and learn to do it - for me, that was the number one benefit of co-sleeping. Also, when the baby naps during the day is NOT a time for you to do household chores! It _is_ a time for you to NAP!!! Your household can fall to pieces without it causing great harm for your baby, _you_ can not! As for your question: is it ok to put a baby down for short periods even if it is crying: absolutely! And yes, given all the other loving attention you give him, he will "still develop a trusting relationship" with you. Do give the sling another chance, though -- that is how I got my household at least somewhat done, even with taking naps during the day. Also, pretty soon your baby will be too heavy for you to hold him in your arms for long periods of time, whereas with the sling it is not as much of a problem. Hope this helps Monika |
#6
|
|||
|
|||
intro and question attachment parenting
In article 6ZXhb.71133$pl3.4700@pd7tw3no,
Alicia wrote: Hi there, my name is Alicia, I'm 29 and just had my first baby two months ago. He's a wonderful baby, very alert, gorgeous and full of life. His name is Raine. Anyway, Raine has been crying quite a lot lately, not due to a growth spurt as he just got over one. I have elected an attachment parenting lifestyle with him. We co-sleep, I don't give him a pacifier, so I end up suckling him a lot because he is a very 'sucky' baby. I don't believe in letting him cry himself out, BUT, a few times lately I have found myself so exhausted that I can barely keep myself on two feet, nevermind take care of a baby. I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about it, but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes, and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly. What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this from time to time? I spent this weekend at a conference where the main speaker was an African woman talking about the rituals and beliefs and practices of her tribe. She said that we may have heard that it takes a village to raise a child. "It doesn't, really," she said. "It takes a village to keep a parent sane." Most people laughed, but I could see that others who, like me, felt more like crying! Sanity can be difficult to hold onto when you are raising children. Your situation is a prime example of where the lack of a village makes retaining sanity extremely difficult. What you really need is to hand the baby to someone else, and go for a walk in the woods. You need an hour or an afternoon or maybe even a whole day where you know someone else who loves your baby as much as you do will tend to her every need, while you do an art project or listen to some great music or read a book -- or just take a nap. You need to tend to your own spiritual and emotional health to be the great mother you will be. Mom tells me that when I was a baby there was an afternoon that had been very bad. I was crying, she was crying and holding me and feeling like an inept mother, when her older brother came to visit. He took me from her, and ordered her out of the house for at least 1/2 an hour; that gave her a chance to NOT listen to me cry, and by the time she came back I was asleep, and she felt better. She, in turn, continues to do this as often as she can when she sees a young mother who is obviously stressed out by a crying baby. If you have any relatives or close friends near by, don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help: tell them exactly what you've said here, and ask if they can come and give you a respite. The baby will be fine without nursing for an hour or so, and you can get out of hearing range: listening to a baby cry when it is not going to stop is extraordinarily stressful! If you don't have anyone who can do that, I hope you have a second parent; if so, whenever he or she comes home, you need to turn the baby over to them for a break for yourself. If there is noone -- if you are a single parent -- you need to reach out and somewhere, somehow, find other people who can help you. In the meantime, crying alone for a while won't do him irrepairable harm, and you and he will attach just fine. meh -- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care |
#7
|
|||
|
|||
intro and question attachment parenting
In article LOGib.553748$Oz4.502084@rwcrnsc54, Monika McMahan wrote:
Do give the sling another chance, though -- that is how I got my household at least somewhat done, even with taking naps during the day. Also, pretty soon your baby will be too heavy for you to hold him in your arms for long periods of time, whereas with the sling it is not as much of a problem. A sling can be great, but if the baby is a champion nurser, he or she may get too heavy for the sling in just a few months. Ours, who spent over 40 hours a week nursing, hit 95% on the weight charts at 6 months. We had to swtich from front packs and slings to back packs much earlier than most, and even the backpack got too heavy. He was a somewhat late walker also, so he was too heavy for the backpack before he was walking---we needed to use the jogging stroller a lot when we went anywhere. Sleep whenever you can---it is FAR more important than most people realize, definitely more important than housework. If you have a partner, have him or her carry the baby while you nap. -- Kevin Karplus http://www.soe.ucsc.edu/~karplus life member (LAB, Adventure Cycling, American Youth Hostels) Effective Cycling Instructor #218-ck (lapsed) Professor of Computer Engineering, University of California, Santa Cruz Undergraduate and Graduate Director, Bioinformatics Affiliations for identification only. |
#8
|
|||
|
|||
intro and question attachment parenting
In article ,
Kevin Karplus wrote: A sling can be great, but if the baby is a champion nurser, he or she may get too heavy for the sling in just a few months. Ours, who spent over 40 hours a week nursing, hit 95% on the weight charts at 6 months. We had to swtich from front packs and slings to back packs much earlier than most, and even the backpack got too heavy. He was a somewhat late walker also, so he was too heavy for the backpack before he was walking---we needed to use the jogging stroller a lot when we went anywhere. Even with a heavy baby, a sling can be great for nursing, if you can get the knack. If you want to hold the baby and move around with nursing, the sling helps support you in doing that. I'm not recommending slinging around a 25-pound baby on hikes, but if you can sling him for a short time while nursing, you can avoid being tied to your seat all the time (not that that's always a bad thing). A sling is also good for a heavier child in a shorter-term carrying situation. My kids are lightweights, but my youngest is 2.5 and probably outweighs most 6mo's anyhow ;-) and while I wouldn't want to carry him in a sling for long periods, for short periods where I'd otherwise be carrying him using only my arm and hip, a sling in an upright position helps out a little. For hikes, we use a good Kelty backpack carrier (though he'd usually rather walk, if we have the time). --Robyn |
#9
|
|||
|
|||
intro and question attachment parenting
Alicia,
Your experience rings a lot of bells for me. I didn't label my baby-handling approach, but I used a lot of AP techniques, including co-sleeping, for the first few months. But my first baby was colicky and, like yours, "sucky" -- always wanting the breast or (when he was able) his hand. And he spent most of his waking hours crying. I looked at my friends whose babies woke up calm and spent most of their waking hours with their eyes open and their mouths shut (the opposite of mine) and could NOT figure out what I was doing wrong, and they couldn't figure out why I was always so stressed out and couldn't "manage" my baby. The point was, I wasn't doing anything wrong. In fact, many of my friends with "easy" first babies had a much "harder" second baby, whereas I had an "easy" second baby! So it's not the parent ... some babies are just like that. You've already gotten some very good advice on this thread: Take care of yourself (or you won't be able to care for your baby). Get assistance --remember that AP is built on a model in which parents didn't do everything alone. And you'll bond just fine -- that baby knows who's nursing him and loving him, and a little crying alone when you need a few minutes' sanity break won't damage that bond. Here are some other tips, in no particular order, that really helped me. 1. I couldn't use a sling, despite trying several brands. I'm too busty and short-waisted for any of them to fit, and I couldn't wear my baby safely or comfortably in one. My salvation was a Baby Bjorn front carrier, which was better than any other carrier I tried, and is adaptable for both very young babies and older ones. Since my kids didn't walk till 17 months, I got a lot of use out of my Bjorn! 2. Some of my baby's colic, it turned out, was allergy to some things that were coming through my breastmilk. The big one was milk protein. I'm lactose intolerant and so take in very little dairy, but even the lactose-free products and the aged cheese I used carried enough milk protein to trigger my child's crying jags. When I cut out ALL dairy products from my diet, the crying cut way down. This takes a lot of label reading -- watch out for breads, margarines, and prepared foods, and ingredients such as whey or "milk solids." But it was well worth the trouble, and I wish it hadn't taken me so long to discover this. It also helped when I eliminated garlic. My lactation consultant says that some babies love garlic-flavored milk, but mine was apparently sensitive to it. 3. My son often settled down when I held him on my shoulder -- "right the way over," as our wonderful NP described it, balancing on his tummy with his head partway down my back. I remember one night I spent mopping the kitchen floor one-handed with him over my shoulder, because in any other position he'd cry, and he also seemed to like it when I was in motion. Or I held him at my side, under my curled arm, with his tummy balanced on my wrist and him facing the floor. It looks really funny, but it worked for us. He also liked when I held him up in the air, over my head, with my hand on either side of his torso, but you can't walk around that way ;-) 4. It helped to get outside as much as possible -- walking, strolling, or just stepping out the front door with the baby for a "porch break." This helped my frame of mind, too. 5. Sleep when the baby sleeps. When people told me this, I said, "Yeah, right." But really -- whatever you were planning on doing during that nap is not so important as falling over. Learning to nurse lying down was a real help, since my all-day sucker could go for an hour on a single breast, and I could just doze off with him attached. 6. One of the best tips I got for calming a colicky baby is that whatever strategy you use -- patting, singing, stroking, humming, rocking, walking, etc. -- use only one at a time. That is, don't rock and sing, but do one or the other for a little while, then switch to something new if that didn't work. Sometimes too many "calming" activities just overstimulates a sensitive baby. Good luck, and let us know how you do. --Robin |
#10
|
|||
|
|||
intro and question attachment parenting
You have gotten some good advice, but instead of me telling you to take care
of yourself (which I agree with whole heartedly), lets try and figure out if there is a cause for the crying. Does he seem to cry at night more than during the day? Is he sleeping well? If the baby isn't sleeping enough, then that will make him over stimulated and too tired to sleep. Do you think anything your eating could cause an upset tummy in him? Are you drinking any caffeine? If you don't want to use a pacifier, then most AP parents suggest giving a pinky finger to suck on. However, having the baby being two months means your supply is pretty well established and giving a pacifier at this point would not be a horrible thing. It might take care of his sucking needs. He perhaps is getting mad at getting milk when all he wants to do is suck. Get better with using the sling. Using a sling saved my sanity with my three girls. Can you lay down and nurse so you can sleep when he sleeps? This takes practice, but worthwhile in the long run. Don't rule out another growth spurt, sometimes they can come right on top of each other. Don't feel bad at putting the baby down. Do you have a husband or SO that can take the baby for a little while so you can take a bath or for a walk? If you can answer some of my questions, perhaps I can help more. Oh, one more thing, if you think he is gassy or upset tummy, then try to burp more often or try smithecone drops. ) -- Sue (mom to three girls) I'm Just a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll World... Alicia wrote in message news:6ZXhb.71133$pl3.4700@pd7tw3no... Hi there, my name is Alicia, I'm 29 and just had my first baby two months ago. He's a wonderful baby, very alert, gorgeous and full of life. His name is Raine. Anyway, Raine has been crying quite a lot lately, not due to a growth spurt as he just got over one. I have elected an attachment parenting lifestyle with him. We co-sleep, I don't give him a pacifier, so I end up suckling him a lot because he is a very 'sucky' baby. I don't believe in letting him cry himself out, BUT, a few times lately I have found myself so exhausted that I can barely keep myself on two feet, nevermind take care of a baby. I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about it, but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes, and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly. What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this from time to time? My birth experience was terrible (45 hours of labour with a planned home birth ending in a c-section), following a very unhappy pregnancy (sick the whole time, pubis symphisis pain, and so on) so that's why I am still so tired. I love my baby immensely, we have definitely bonded, but sometimes I just feel so helpless to comfort him properly. So, any tips on coping would be great. I don't have anyone I can call on to help me at times like that. Thanks for your input, Alicia |
Thread Tools | |
Display Modes | |
|
|
Similar Threads | ||||
Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
"Parenting Without Punishing" | Chris | General | 328 | July 1st 04 05:59 AM |
Yet another feeding question | Marie | General | 10 | December 24th 03 01:42 AM |
Intro, and Toddler/Daycare Question | Betty Woolf | General | 4 | December 3rd 03 03:25 PM |