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#21
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Banty wrote: What IME is damaging is getting candy, sweets = love associated. More accurately, sweets = comfort = not good. You say that below, and I think that's what you meant. Love = food is not so bad, and it's imprinted from day one, when a mother lovingly breast or bottle feeds her child. Love = food is nearly unavoidable, I think. The trouble is when food becomes the mechanism by which one self soothes. During my first marriage, before I made the connection that I was an emotional eater, I would get through the evenings when my husband was home by stuffing my mouth with cereal. It had nothing to do with hunger, and it was healthy cereal. I could munch through an entire box, depending on how stressed out I was and how much I was trying to hold back my feelings of anger or whatever. Good way to prevent conflict: keep chewing and crunching! I don't do this any longer. But still, old habits die hard, and as I said, I still find myself knee-jerk wanting to offer the kids food when they're stressed. I do stop myself and substitute with something better. I think I learned this from my mother, who may be reading this and will probably call to object, but I recall she'd often stop at 4 pm for a Dairy Queen hit or a bag of M&M's. She claims it helped her cope with blood sugar swings, and it probably did, but it also doesn't escape me (now that I'm a parent too) that 4 pm is the "witching hour" and can be awfully stressful, especially if you're the mom of three unruly kids. :-) Sometimes, I do suggest tea. Tea is nice and comforting, without all the empty calories. Well, that's better. But I still think having food, drink, any of that, too associated with comfort isn't a great idea. Talk, hugs, support to pursue interests - THOSE are the things that should be associated with comfort. Yep! Except for us tea time is quite a ritual. We get out the special teas. We put on our comfy jammies, robes and slippers. Then we set out a spread with fancy cups and saucers, and linger with our tea. And over tea, we talk! I don't think it's the tea so much as the talking. jen |
#22
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THANK YOU to all who have given your opinions. I read a few quotes that
may make it easier to deal with this and really appreciate the time you took to reply. I should probably clear up one thing though so as not to appear too bad a parent. No.. I'm not putting the box of chocolate in front of her and then wondering why she won't eat a decent meal. It's that she asks for it. We tend to eat 2 "meals" a day around here with a smaller snack type meal in the middle and another in the late evening. The bigger meals are home baked bread products in the morning and a meat and veggie combo in the evening. The snacks tend to be things like fruit or cottage cheese or pudding or grilled cheese. She's by no means overweight and so calories isn't really the issue. It's more what one poster said.. that I want her filling up on "growing foods" and not junk. Now.. today we did really well.. not one request for chocolate. And it's almost all gone anyway so this may not be a point of contention for much longer. And no.. I don't buy candy just to have it laying around.. this is leftover from Christmas. I'm going to have to just pass by all the valentine's stuff that's already being pushed upon us. I suppose it's just hard to not use the food as a tool.. I did find myself saying today "if you'll at least taste the rice then I'll get you your crayons" to which my husband had a fit. But.. it worked. After she'd colored for a bit she went back and ate the whole bowl. =) Made me feel good. I suppose we'll be battling about this for a while. =) |
#23
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shinypenny wrote:
I confess I have zero willpower when it comes to sweets. If it's in the house, I'll eat and eat and eat it. That's why I have learned to throw it away after Halloween, Easter, etc. Better not to tempt *myself* (much less the kids)! (Yep, I'm the mom who'd raid the kids' candy supply while they weren't at home). Also, on the subject of associating food with feelings, I must've been raised that way myself. When my DD's are feeling sad or had a bad day, my knee-jerk reaction is to try and offer food to cheer them up. I have to bite my tongue constantly and try a different approach. I don't always succeed in that. If sweets are not in the house, it's easier to resist offering them as a pick-me-up. Instead, I offer hugs, or suggest a warm soothing bath. And alternatively, I suspect a lot of parents train their children to eat to avoid boredom. Have to ride in the car? Have some crackers. Strapping them in the stroller? Take a sippy cup of juice and a treat. That's gotta be a lesson that sticks. Lesley |
#24
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Banty wrote:
In article . com, shinypenny says... Also, on the subject of associating food with feelings, I must've been raised that way myself. When my DD's are feeling sad or had a bad day, my knee-jerk reaction is to try and offer food to cheer them up. I have to bite my tongue constantly and try a different approach. I don't always succeed in that. If sweets are not in the house, it's easier to resist offering them as a pick-me-up. Instead, I offer hugs, or suggest a warm soothing bath. THAT's the problem, I think, in a lot of families w.r.t. food. Not so much the forbidden fruit thing. For a candy to have 'forbidden fruit' appeal, I really think allowing it sometimes, at appropriate times, as a treat, as all that's necessary. If the candy isn't around all the time in the household, then you also don't set up that temptation-guilt cycle by forbidding it but also having it available. What IME is damaging is getting candy, sweets = love associated. Sometimes, I do suggest tea. Tea is nice and comforting, without all the empty calories. Well, that's better. But I still think having food, drink, any of that, too associated with comfort isn't a great idea. Talk, hugs, support to pursue interests - THOSE are the things that should be associated with comfort. There is something else going on in this kind of association, because the candy = pick-you-up does not neccessarily led to weight control problems. When we were growing up, my parents had a supply of "violet creams": violet flavoured fondents covered in chocolate. If we hurt ourselves, we were given one. But as adults, none of us have a weight problem: in fact, if I'm miserable, I eat less then normal. So there is obviously more then one mechanism at work. -- Penny Gaines UK mum to three |
#25
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In article , Penny Gaines says...
Banty wrote: In article . com, shinypenny says... Also, on the subject of associating food with feelings, I must've been raised that way myself. When my DD's are feeling sad or had a bad day, my knee-jerk reaction is to try and offer food to cheer them up. I have to bite my tongue constantly and try a different approach. I don't always succeed in that. If sweets are not in the house, it's easier to resist offering them as a pick-me-up. Instead, I offer hugs, or suggest a warm soothing bath. THAT's the problem, I think, in a lot of families w.r.t. food. Not so much the forbidden fruit thing. For a candy to have 'forbidden fruit' appeal, I really think allowing it sometimes, at appropriate times, as a treat, as all that's necessary. If the candy isn't around all the time in the household, then you also don't set up that temptation-guilt cycle by forbidding it but also having it available. What IME is damaging is getting candy, sweets = love associated. Sometimes, I do suggest tea. Tea is nice and comforting, without all the empty calories. Well, that's better. But I still think having food, drink, any of that, too associated with comfort isn't a great idea. Talk, hugs, support to pursue interests - THOSE are the things that should be associated with comfort. There is something else going on in this kind of association, because the candy = pick-you-up does not neccessarily led to weight control problems. When we were growing up, my parents had a supply of "violet creams": violet flavoured fondents covered in chocolate. If we hurt ourselves, we were given one. But as adults, none of us have a weight problem: in fact, if I'm miserable, I eat less then normal. So there is obviously more then one mechanism at work. Of course people vary. But for a lot of us, candy as a pick-me-up is a problem. Banty |
#27
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"LisaBell" wrote in message ... I am with you. We don't keep a lot of candy around the house as a rule (though we usually have a little chocolate) and we limit eating it to after dinner, and then only allow a small piece (two squares, or half of a candy bar). When they go to parties and come home with a bag of candy they have to put it in the fridge, and may eat one piece every evening. I too was warned that limitation might make candy into too much of an issue, but I don't see that this is happening at all. I don't either, so I completely relate to this post.. I've heard, by extension, similar things about TV. But in practice, by limiting TV to (for example) about a show a day, the child isn't used to filling her/his time out with TV, and thus, is used to coming up with options on her own, without even thinking of asking to watch more TV. It's the same with food... candy isn't asked for because it isn't around and it isn't considered a regular option. When other options have been presented to and accepted by the child, those are the ones that she asks for. Here, things like candy and juice aren't in the cabinets, except on rare occasions. P. Tierney |
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