Funeral Etiquette?

First off, I don't even know for sure if this will even be an issue, but I
want to try and be somewhat prepared should the topic arise...

I guess we have a funeral on Monday. It's for my SIL's husband (N's sister)
so, my BIL.
He died on Monday, and we were just told that there's a 'viewing' on Friday
with the funeral on Monday. Neither of us have any real desire to go to a
viewing (to be honest, those really freak me out, and finding someone to
watch the kids for a bit on Friday is just a royal PITA for me)

The funeral, however...
I care NOT to take the kids. My opinions on funerals is that it's not a
place for children, unless under certain, rare circumstances. I would
rather not bring my child(ren) to a funeral. I would take one if they were
a baby, if I had to, and once I did. We actually took DD1 to N's aunt's
funeral, which was about a week and a half before DD2 was born, so DD1 was
about 14ish months old. Luckily DS was in school for this funeral, but SIL
told me to bring the kids. DD1 was easy - quiet, I carried her on me the
whole time, and was willing and able to step outside if need be. She didn't
bore easily (or was easily amused with a book or toy or small hand game...)

Buuut... the kids are 7.5, 3 and (almost) 22 months.

I don't know if the topic will come up, but I'm a little scared that SIL
will nearly *demand* that we bring the kids. For her wedding, actually, and
a few other occasions, she has straight out told me that if I will not bring
the kids, I am simply then not invited to attend whatever the event may be.
The wedding was the first big blowout we had about this when I said I would
be there, but I just needed to secure a sitter. She straight out told me
that I was then not invited if I was not bringing the kids. At that time,
DS was 5.5, DD1 was 11 months and I was about 6-7 months pregnant. When I
explained how much fun I would not have when I'm stuck chasing little ones
around, trying to amuse them - and all on my own - she got downright mad.
Then again, last second it was thrown in my face that out of nowhere N was
stepping in for the wedding party because the groom's brother backed out a
few weeks before the wedding, after N and I had been invited together and
RSVP'd that we'd be together in attendance.

I know a funeral is a different story, but what would be the proper thing to
do or say if SIL says the kids MUST be there or I'm not to show up? Should
I just suck it up and take little ones to a funeral? Spend more time in a
hallway outside dealing with kids that really DON'T want to be there, don't
understand and quite frankly, really don't care? Should I then tell her
that I guess I'll take her up on her offer to not attend and stay home
alone? Or should I just tell her straight up I don't believe a funeral is a
place for kids to be at if there's no real reason they can't stay with a
babysitter and show up anyways?

Again, I don't know if this will come up, nor do I know if it would be an
issue for me to leave the kids home, but one thing I am not crazy about is
being put on the spot for something like this. I probably could avoid SIL
(and MIL, for that matter) until Monday and just plead ignorance that I
didn't know and just did what I felt most comfortable with... but... if it
came up, what would be the proper thing to do? Putting aside my thoughts
that children don't need to be at funerals, the huge issue for me is chasing
after them, trying to keep them quiet, trying to amuse them...

"Kat" wrote in message
news:ZdMok.181085$gc5.100924@pd7urf2no...
First off, I don't even know for sure if this will even be an issue, but I
want to try and be somewhat prepared should the topic arise...

I guess we have a funeral on Monday. It's for my SIL's husband (N's
sister) so, my BIL.

So the children's.

I know a funeral is a different story, but what would be the proper thing
to do or say if SIL says the kids MUST be there or I'm not to show up?
Should I just suck it up and take little ones to a funeral? Spend more
time in a hallway outside dealing with kids that really DON'T want to be
there, don't understand and quite frankly, really don't care? Should I
then tell her that I guess I'll take her up on her offer to not attend and
stay home alone? Or should I just tell her straight up I don't believe a
funeral is a place for kids to be at if there's no real reason they can't
stay with a babysitter and show up anyways?

Again, I don't know if this will come up, nor do I know if it would be an
issue for me to leave the kids home, but one thing I am not crazy about is
being put on the spot for something like this. I probably could avoid SIL
(and MIL, for that matter) until Monday and just plead ignorance that I
didn't know and just did what I felt most comfortable with... but... if it
came up, what would be the proper thing to do? Putting aside my thoughts
that children don't need to be at funerals, the huge issue for me is
chasing after them, trying to keep them quiet, trying to amuse them...

If it doesn't really bother you that the children see death, if it would
appease grieving relatives, I would personally take the kids if pressed.
When people are grieving, they are not necessarily rationale, and it would
keep the peace. I think I could chase kids around for a little bit just for
that.

Also, it is the children's uncle. The oldest one might appreciate it. They
understand more than you think. DD is 4 yo and her friend's mother died
suddenly and unexpectedly. When I told DD, the first words out of her mouth
were that her friend "is going to be really sad, huh?" Then she asked if
they were going to bury her or cremate her. She wanted to know in detail
how she died, just like any adult would want to know. She wanted to know
what would happen if her dad died, too, then her friend would be all alone.
Your kids may surprise you.

"Kat" wrote in message
news:ZdMok.181085$gc5.100924@pd7urf2no...
First off, I don't even know for sure if this will even be an issue, but I
want to try and be somewhat prepared should the topic arise...

I guess we have a funeral on Monday. It's for my SIL's husband (N's
sister) so, my BIL.

I'm not quite sure if this is your side of the family, or your husbands. The
person whose family the deceased belongs to should go to the funeral
service, and leave the other one at home with the small children. This also
depends on what kind of service it is. Is it a Mass at a church? A memorial
service at the funeral home? Somethign more informal?

If it was a much-loved grandparent or someone very close I might take the
oldest child. The younger ones would not understand and would probably be a
distraction to the mourners.

A funeral isn't a party where are people are invited and the inviters should
get miffed if people don't come, because people can be very weird about
death. It can be comforting and life-affirming to see young children at a
funeral gathering, but if you feel people will be annoyed and think you're
being disrespectful, don't take them.

If the service itself is something your kids can't handle, maybe you can
bring them to the gathering afterwards, provided it's not at a very fancy
place.

"Kat" wrote in message
news:ZdMok.181085$gc5.100924@pd7urf2no...
Again, I don't know if this will come up, nor do I know if it would be an
issue for me to leave the kids home, but one thing I am not crazy about is
being put on the spot for something like this. I probably could avoid SIL
(and MIL, for that matter) until Monday and just plead ignorance that I
didn't know and just did what I felt most comfortable with... but... if it
came up, what would be the proper thing to do? Putting aside my thoughts
that children don't need to be at funerals, the huge issue for me is
chasing after them, trying to keep them quiet, trying to amuse them...

I understand that you don't want to chase after them! I can give you my
experience. Dh's grandfather died and dh and his 4 brothers were very close
to him and the whole thing was extremely emotional. My two daughters were
almost 6 and 4.5 yrs. Also I had a neice who was 3. I was pregnant, too. I
remember walking into the funeral home with the kids, and one of my BIL
cried and came over and hugged the girls and took them over to see their
dead papa. It was very touching to me and it seemed important to some other
family members that the young ones be there. We had an arrangement that my
neice's mother was going to take all the little kids to another aunt later
on(not related to the deceased's side of the family) and we would pick them
up afterwards. I don't know if you have that option.
Now as for the funeral, we did not bring the kids, they all stayed with that
same aunt. I just would not want to bring smaller kids to a funeral because
it requires silence(not that it HAS to, but I'm sure it's really awkward for
a parent) I don't have problems with my kids seeing death or
funerals(granted they've so far been elderly who are deceased), but I agree
with you and simply wouldn't want the hassle of children at a funeral. Have
you asked your SIL WHY she demands the kids be there for everything? That's
a controlling way to be, demanding your kids come, else you're not invited.
This is your husband's sister, right? I'm not sure who "N" is. If so, maybe
you can have him deal with her when she's giving these demands.
Marie

Kat wrote:

I know a funeral is a different story, but what would be the proper thing to
do or say if SIL says the kids MUST be there or I'm not to show up? Should
I just suck it up and take little ones to a funeral? Spend more time in a
hallway outside dealing with kids that really DON'T want to be there, don't
understand and quite frankly, really don't care? Should I then tell her
that I guess I'll take her up on her offer to not attend and stay home
alone? Or should I just tell her straight up I don't believe a funeral is a
place for kids to be at if there's no real reason they can't stay with a
babysitter and show up anyways?

Well, don't do the latter, because that's simply incorrect.
There is no rule that children don't belong at funerals. It's
your prerogative as a parent not to bring them, and you may have
any number of reasons why you don't believe your children ought
not to be at the funeral, but I wouldn't resort to claiming a
rule/guideline that doesn't exist because that will get you nowhere
with SIL.

You are not required to knuckle under and bring the kids
if you don't want to. You're the parent and you get to make that
decision. Obviously, *if* she backs you into a corner, you'll have
to decide which is more important--supporting your family in grief
or not bringing your kids to the funeral. That's a tough decision,
and it's unfair of her to put you in that position, but sometimes
life just isn't fair. If you decide it's more important to keep
the kids home and deal with the fallout, then that's your
prerogative. If you decide it's more important to be at the
funeral, even with kids, then bring the kids and while that
will be challenging for you, that won't be the end of the
earth either.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"toypup" wrote in message
news


"Kat" wrote in message
news:ZdMok.181085$gc5.100924@pd7urf2no...
First off, I don't even know for sure if this will even be an issue, but
I want to try and be somewhat prepared should the topic arise...

I guess we have a funeral on Monday. It's for my SIL's husband (N's
sister) so, my BIL.

So the children's.

I know a funeral is a different story, but what would be the proper thing
to do or say if SIL says the kids MUST be there or I'm not to show up?
Should I just suck it up and take little ones to a funeral? Spend more
time in a hallway outside dealing with kids that really DON'T want to be
there, don't understand and quite frankly, really don't care? Should I
then tell her that I guess I'll take her up on her offer to not attend
and stay home alone? Or should I just tell her straight up I don't
believe a funeral is a place for kids to be at if there's no real reason
they can't stay with a babysitter and show up anyways?

Again, I don't know if this will come up, nor do I know if it would be an
issue for me to leave the kids home, but one thing I am not crazy about
is being put on the spot for something like this. I probably could avoid
SIL (and MIL, for that matter) until Monday and just plead ignorance that
I didn't know and just did what I felt most comfortable with... but... if
it came up, what would be the proper thing to do? Putting aside my
thoughts that children don't need to be at funerals, the huge issue for
me is chasing after them, trying to keep them quiet, trying to amuse
them...

If it doesn't really bother you that the children see death, if it would
appease grieving relatives, I would personally take the kids if pressed.
When people are grieving, they are not necessarily rationale, and it would
keep the peace. I think I could chase kids around for a little bit just
for that.

I can't even run to Walmart, the bank, the grocery store, you name it
without the kids, basically, not acting as they should. I have, a number of
times, left a cart of groceries at the store and walked out due to behaviour
that I cannot tolerate at a store.
It's not so much the death part... It's mostly because I really don't think
children should be at a funeral if there's no real *need* to be at one.

Also, it is the children's uncle. The oldest one might appreciate it.
They understand more than you think. DD is 4 yo and her friend's mother
died suddenly and unexpectedly. When I told DD, the first words out of
her mouth were that her friend "is going to be really sad, huh?" Then she
asked if they were going to bury her or cremate her. She wanted to know
in detail how she died, just like any adult would want to know. She
wanted to know what would happen if her dad died, too, then her friend
would be all alone. Your kids may surprise you.

DS doesn't even really know them. We see that part of the family rarely.
It doesn't take much thinking to know the last time we've seen MIL was
briefly Christmas day then for an evening on DS's birthday - which was end
of January. I haven't even heard from SIL since around Christmas. We
haven't seen her since... Hm... I can't even remember when. It might have
been either Thanksgiving (which was October here) or the Easter before
that - so a year and a half ago. DS always has to ask who they are whenever
we do see them.
DD1 has yet to string 3 words together to form any kind of sentence. And
these are a part of the family none of the kids really ever see.
I'm fairly sure DS would understand or grasp the concept, but I know the
girls would not. And as far as DS goes, I am almost feeling like I might as
well keep an eye on the paper's obituaries and find a random funeral to go
to with him.

"dejablues" wrote in message
...

"Kat" wrote in message
news:ZdMok.181085$gc5.100924@pd7urf2no...
First off, I don't even know for sure if this will even be an issue, but
I want to try and be somewhat prepared should the topic arise...

I guess we have a funeral on Monday. It's for my SIL's husband (N's
sister) so, my BIL.

I'm not quite sure if this is your side of the family, or your husbands.
The person whose family the deceased belongs to should go to the funeral
service, and leave the other one at home with the small children. This
also depends on what kind of service it is. Is it a Mass at a church? A
memorial service at the funeral home? Somethign more informal?

This is his sister's husband.
The problem with this scenario is that in all reality, if I don't go, he
doesn't go. He would have no way to get there if I wasn't going to go.
I also have no idea how the day is planned as far as what kind of service it
is. He talked to his mom when she called and he tends to not get very much
detail in any given phone call, doesn't ask questions and often just nods
and smiles lol

If it was a much-loved grandparent or someone very close I might take the
oldest child. The younger ones would not understand and would probably be
a distraction to the mourners.

This is N's sister's husband. He was not real close to the kids at all,
neither is N's sister or any of his family, for that matter. I've known my
SIL for a number of years (obviously) and her husband since before they were
married. I'd guess 3-4 years or so? The kids have seen SIL (and her
husband) only a handful of times.

A funeral isn't a party where are people are invited and the inviters
should get miffed if people don't come, because people can be very weird
about death. It can be comforting and life-affirming to see young
children at a funeral gathering, but if you feel people will be annoyed
and think you're being disrespectful, don't take them.

You know... every time one of the kids screams (and DD2 is a screecher
sometimes, making DD1 follow - yes, older follows the younger - and DS is
notorious for getting one or both starting with misbehaving) I always feel
all eyes shift towards me.

If the service itself is something your kids can't handle, maybe you can
bring them to the gathering afterwards, provided it's not at a very fancy
place.

Well, we had N's aunt's funeral just before DD2 was born - so will be 2
years mid-October. What basically happened was a small service in a small
funeral home, then we all walked to a nearby hotel which a little banquet
room was booked and there was coffee and juice and light snacks provided and
visiting. I am *thinking* this might be the same idea. I don't think this
will be a very big service or anything like that, nor do I think it will be
anything extremely formal or fancy. I don't think the kids could handle
sitting quiet and nice for more than 10 minutes, and I know for a fact I
will not be able to handle it should they decide they don't feel like
sitting nice.

"MarieD" wrote in message
...
"Kat" wrote in message
news:ZdMok.181085$gc5.100924@pd7urf2no...
Again, I don't know if this will come up, nor do I know if it would be an
issue for me to leave the kids home, but one thing I am not crazy about
is being put on the spot for something like this. I probably could avoid
SIL (and MIL, for that matter) until Monday and just plead ignorance that
I didn't know and just did what I felt most comfortable with... but... if
it came up, what would be the proper thing to do? Putting aside my
thoughts that children don't need to be at funerals, the huge issue for
me is chasing after them, trying to keep them quiet, trying to amuse
them...

I understand that you don't want to chase after them! I can give you my
experience. Dh's grandfather died and dh and his 4 brothers were very
close to him and the whole thing was extremely emotional. My two daughters
were almost 6 and 4.5 yrs. Also I had a neice who was 3. I was pregnant,
too. I remember walking into the funeral home with the kids, and one of my
BIL cried and came over and hugged the girls and took them over to see
their dead papa. It was very touching to me and it seemed important to
some other family members that the young ones be there. We had an
arrangement that my neice's mother was going to take all the little kids
to another aunt later on(not related to the deceased's side of the family)
and we would pick them up afterwards. I don't know if you have that
option.

I just have this feeling that if they do come, I will spend more time
standing outside in a hallway or outside the main doors than I would being
at the actual funeral. Because of this, this is why I am thinking I'd
rather not have them there, seeing as with them there, I might as well NOT
be there in the first place. The kids hardly even know this side of the
family.
I pretty much have the option to take them to my mom's house in the morning
before we go and then pick them up when we're going back home. I will NOT
run from our place on one side of the city to the far other end to go to my
parents' place, back to not far from our place where the funeral will be,
back to the other side of the city to pick the kids up, back to wherever
everyone is going *after* the funeral part then back home again. That would
just be insane and not only do I not really enjoy wasting money on gas when
not necessary (especially with gas prices) I also do not have the time and
patience to do this. It's either they go somewhere for the whole time or
they don't.

Now as for the funeral, we did not bring the kids, they all stayed with
that same aunt. I just would not want to bring smaller kids to a funeral
because it requires silence(not that it HAS to, but I'm sure it's really
awkward for a parent) I don't have problems with my kids seeing death or
funerals(granted they've so far been elderly who are deceased), but I
agree with you and simply wouldn't want the hassle of children at a
funeral. Have you asked your SIL WHY she demands the kids be there for
everything? That's a controlling way to be, demanding your kids come, else
you're not invited. This is your husband's sister, right? I'm not sure who
"N" is. If so, maybe you can have him deal with her when she's giving
these demands.
Marie

N = DH
Why does she demand? In all honesty, I think it might either be a control
thing or maybe it's something else. I might even say that I think it's that
she's a little useless or lazy. None of that part of the family make any
attempt to see the kids, so when something comes up, it's like a do or die -
bring the kids or go to hell because we *never* bother to see them any other
time.
Birthdays come and go, just every day comes and goes. I don't think we go
more than a week without seeing my parents and family. I talk to my mom
daily, I often talk to my dad as well. We go over to my parents' house
usually every weekend. My mom will randomly call to ask us if we'd like to
come for dinner on a Sunday afternoon.
I don't get anything even close to that with the other side of the family,
yet I've never once ever declined the inlaws coming over. Given, we don't
go to MIL's, but that's another story. Our door and phone has ALWAYS been
open to them, and even if someone called last second and said they were in
the area, I'd tell them the door is open, coffee is on and pardon the mess!

In article X9Ook.181674$gc5.19982@pd7urf2no, "Kat" wrote:

I can't even run to Walmart, the bank, the grocery store, you name it
without the kids, basically, not acting as they should. I have, a number of
times, left a cart of groceries at the store and walked out due to behaviour
that I cannot tolerate at a store.

This is a separate issue and my guess is that the kids know exactly how to
wind you up.

DD1 has yet to string 3 words together to form any kind of sentence. And
these are a part of the family none of the kids really ever see.
I'm fairly sure DS would understand or grasp the concept, but I know the
girls would not. And as far as DS goes, I am almost feeling like I might as
well keep an eye on the paper's obituaries and find a random funeral to go
to with him.

Won't he be at school?

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

http://chookiesbackyard.blogspot.com/

"Chookie" wrote in message
news:ehrebeniuk-216DE1.17072814082008@news...
In article X9Ook.181674$gc5.19982@pd7urf2no, "Kat"
wrote:

I can't even run to Walmart, the bank, the grocery store, you name it
without the kids, basically, not acting as they should. I have, a number
of
times, left a cart of groceries at the store and walked out due to
behaviour
that I cannot tolerate at a store.

This is a separate issue and my guess is that the kids know exactly how to
wind you up.

Yes, it definitely is, but it also would be something I consider for
anything. Their behaviour doesn't change just because we're going one place
and not the other.

DD1 has yet to string 3 words together to form any kind of sentence. And
these are a part of the family none of the kids really ever see.
I'm fairly sure DS would understand or grasp the concept, but I know the
girls would not. And as far as DS goes, I am almost feeling like I might
as
well keep an eye on the paper's obituaries and find a random funeral to
go
to with him.

Won't he be at school?

No, not in the middle of August School doesn't start again for the year
until Sept. 2, IIRC.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

http://chookiesbackyard.blogspot.com/