Funeral Etiquette?

In article ZdMok.181085$gc5.100924@pd7urf2no, "Kat" wrote:

The funeral, however...
I care NOT to take the kids. My opinions on funerals is that it's not a
place for children, unless under certain, rare circumstances. I would
rather not bring my child(ren) to a funeral.

Something to consider is that not everyone has this view. For people of
Italian descent, for example, eeeeeeveryone comes to the funeral and it's a
serious insult not to turn up, even if it's your cousin six times removed.
Children are expected to be present, and are usually treated with
understanding. IME children are fairly quiet at funerals because there are
things to see and do. It helps to explain matter-of-factly what is going on.

I don't know if the topic will come up, but I'm a little scared that SIL
will nearly *demand* that we bring the kids. For her wedding, actually, and
a few other occasions, she has straight out told me that if I will not bring
the kids, I am simply then not invited to attend whatever the event may be.
The wedding was the first big blowout we had about this when I said I would
be there, but I just needed to secure a sitter. She straight out told me
that I was then not invited if I was not bringing the kids. At that time,
DS was 5.5, DD1 was 11 months and I was about 6-7 months pregnant. When I
explained how much fun I would not have when I'm stuck chasing little ones
around, trying to amuse them - and all on my own - she got downright mad.

Does she have children of her own? Is she reasonably tolerant of normal kid
behaviour? (Not that I think her way of expressing her enthusiasm for your
children is ideal, but frankly it's a lot more pleasant than the more common
*lack* of enthusiasm!)

Some people find the sight of children at a funeral comforting -- I remember
my Mum saying after Grandma's funeral that DS1 (then an infant, and the only
great-grandchild in Sydney) was a sign of life going on and family continuing.

Do you realise that there's a rather strong feeling of 'I'm quite prepared to
annoy my SIL at her husband's funeral' coming through your post?

I know a funeral is a different story, but what would be the proper thing to
do or say if SIL says the kids MUST be there or I'm not to show up?

Don't ask her. Contact the funeral directors (or other relatives) if you have
any questions about the arrangements. You could ask them specifically whether
there are facilities for children. I know of one Sydney cemetery where there
is a play area outside the refreshment rooms, for example (brilliant idea).
Make your decision based on that, but remember that a funeral is about paying
your respects and supporting your relatives. Often, that means that your own
preferences come second.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

http://chookiesbackyard.blogspot.com/

"Chookie" wrote in message
news:ehrebeniuk-1FEC22.17104914082008@news...
In article ZdMok.181085$gc5.100924@pd7urf2no, "Kat"
wrote:

The funeral, however...
I care NOT to take the kids. My opinions on funerals is that it's not a
place for children, unless under certain, rare circumstances. I would
rather not bring my child(ren) to a funeral.

Something to consider is that not everyone has this view. For people of
Italian descent, for example, eeeeeeveryone comes to the funeral and it's
a
serious insult not to turn up, even if it's your cousin six times removed.
Children are expected to be present, and are usually treated with
understanding. IME children are fairly quiet at funerals because there
are
things to see and do. It helps to explain matter-of-factly what is going
on.

lol We're not Italian, not that this is important.
I think part of me is saying that since I am the one that has to deal with
them, I am the mother and in the end, it is my call, I should have the
option to opt-out of taking my own children to anything... A wedding, a
funeral, a party, a grocery store. I don't know if I care much for the idea
of being *told* that I *must* bring my children, against my own wishes, to
something I don't think they should be at. Even for my cousin's wedding a
couple years back, we were all told there were no children (it's a big
adult-only event). I then had the choice to make of if I wanted to go or
not. I could either get a sitter or stay home and not go if I felt that I
wanted to go with kids. It would have been the same if I was told I need to
bring the children (it's a big, whole family event). I would then have the
choice to make if I wanted to attend or not. Bring the kids and deal with
them if I wanted to, leave them at home and go without them or not go at
all.

I don't know if the topic will come up, but I'm a little scared that SIL
will nearly *demand* that we bring the kids. For her wedding, actually,
and
a few other occasions, she has straight out told me that if I will not
bring
the kids, I am simply then not invited to attend whatever the event may
be.
The wedding was the first big blowout we had about this when I said I
would
be there, but I just needed to secure a sitter. She straight out told me
that I was then not invited if I was not bringing the kids. At that
time,
DS was 5.5, DD1 was 11 months and I was about 6-7 months pregnant. When
I
explained how much fun I would not have when I'm stuck chasing little
ones
around, trying to amuse them - and all on my own - she got downright mad.

Does she have children of her own? Is she reasonably tolerant of normal
kid
behaviour? (Not that I think her way of expressing her enthusiasm for
your
children is ideal, but frankly it's a lot more pleasant than the more
common
*lack* of enthusiasm!)

Yes, 5 or 6 somewhat grown children that she abandoned a few years ago and
now that she's "changed" will have nothing to do with her. I think out of
the 5 or 6, only one or two will even talk to her or see her.
She's usually fairly tolerant, but MIL is not. SIL is usually not too bad,
but I'm also thinking that at something like your spouses' funeral, things
might be different for that person. I know MIL would not change her
tolerance.

Some people find the sight of children at a funeral comforting -- I
remember
my Mum saying after Grandma's funeral that DS1 (then an infant, and the
only
great-grandchild in Sydney) was a sign of life going on and family
continuing.

Do you realise that there's a rather strong feeling of 'I'm quite prepared
to
annoy my SIL at her husband's funeral' coming through your post?

If this last part is true, then I'd much rather politely decline going to
save all that. We're not horribly close - and DH is not close with his
sister (or any of his family, really) either. Obviously he would want to be
there for his sister, as that is his sister no matter what, and I do get
along with SIL (for the most part) and like her. I did really like her
hubby as well, as he was a really nice person.

I know a funeral is a different story, but what would be the proper thing
to
do or say if SIL says the kids MUST be there or I'm not to show up?

Don't ask her. Contact the funeral directors (or other relatives) if you
have
any questions about the arrangements. You could ask them specifically
whether
there are facilities for children. I know of one Sydney cemetery where
there
is a play area outside the refreshment rooms, for example (brilliant
idea).
Make your decision based on that, but remember that a funeral is about
paying
your respects and supporting your relatives. Often, that means that your
own
preferences come second.

A play area is actually a really good idea. I've never seen those around
here.
I don't see how the kids could pay respects and support their relatives they
hardly know. I can only really see that they would not have a good time,
and really, explaining the death of someone to DS that he barely knows
doesn't seem like one of those learning experiences.

I think what we'll end up doing is just going with the flow. SIL has not
said anything (neither has MIL, who was the one that called to give the info
about the funeral and such) so if nothing is said, then we'll just go with
what we had originally planned. He was not exactly keen on the idea of
taking the kids along. I think N knows what will end up happening if we do
drag them along. It's going to be a very hot day, apparently, according to
the weather forecast, which makes for a fair bit of unfun time with hot,
tired kids. And 2 girls that would normally be napping during the times of
the funeral and would be much happier playing at home or at Grandma and
Grandpa's house.
I think if SIL (or MIL or anyone) says something, I will let N deal with it.
It's HIS side of the family and for once in his life, maybe he could
actually deal with them. Normally it's me that does most of the dealings
with them, so come to think of it, maybe this plays a little part in it? I
don't know. I'm just going to hope they don't specifically say to bring the
kids. Maybe I won't have to deal with it at all, and then there's nothing
to worry about.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

http://chookiesbackyard.blogspot.com/

In article LpOok.79448$nD.26683@pd7urf1no, Kat says...


"dejablues" wrote in message
...

"Kat" wrote in message
news:ZdMok.181085$gc5.100924@pd7urf2no...
First off, I don't even know for sure if this will even be an issue, but
I want to try and be somewhat prepared should the topic arise...

I guess we have a funeral on Monday. It's for my SIL's husband (N's
sister) so, my BIL.

I'm not quite sure if this is your side of the family, or your husbands.
The person whose family the deceased belongs to should go to the funeral
service, and leave the other one at home with the small children. This
also depends on what kind of service it is. Is it a Mass at a church? A
memorial service at the funeral home? Somethign more informal?

This is his sister's husband.
The problem with this scenario is that in all reality, if I don't go, he
doesn't go. He would have no way to get there if I wasn't going to go.
I also have no idea how the day is planned as far as what kind of service it
is. He talked to his mom when she called and he tends to not get very much
detail in any given phone call, doesn't ask questions and often just nods
and smiles lol

If it was a much-loved grandparent or someone very close I might take the
oldest child. The younger ones would not understand and would probably be
a distraction to the mourners.

This is N's sister's husband. He was not real close to the kids at all,
neither is N's sister or any of his family, for that matter. I've known my
SIL for a number of years (obviously) and her husband since before they were
married. I'd guess 3-4 years or so? The kids have seen SIL (and her
husband) only a handful of times.

A funeral isn't a party where are people are invited and the inviters
should get miffed if people don't come, because people can be very weird
about death. It can be comforting and life-affirming to see young
children at a funeral gathering, but if you feel people will be annoyed
and think you're being disrespectful, don't take them.

You know... every time one of the kids screams (and DD2 is a screecher
sometimes, making DD1 follow - yes, older follows the younger - and DS is
notorious for getting one or both starting with misbehaving) I always feel
all eyes shift towards me.

If the service itself is something your kids can't handle, maybe you can
bring them to the gathering afterwards, provided it's not at a very fancy
place.

Well, we had N's aunt's funeral just before DD2 was born - so will be 2
years mid-October. What basically happened was a small service in a small
funeral home, then we all walked to a nearby hotel which a little banquet
room was booked and there was coffee and juice and light snacks provided and
visiting. I am *thinking* this might be the same idea. I don't think this
will be a very big service or anything like that, nor do I think it will be
anything extremely formal or fancy. I don't think the kids could handle
sitting quiet and nice for more than 10 minutes, and I know for a fact I
will not be able to handle it should they decide they don't feel like
sitting nice.

I've been following this thread - I'd arrange for babysitting and go with hubby,
and try not to be in any conversation regarding needing/having to bring the
kids. And answering "it just wasn't feasible, sorry" to any pressure SIL may
put on you.

Banty

In article HBOok.181899$gc5.99586@pd7urf2no, Kat says...


"MarieD" wrote in message
...
"Kat" wrote in message
news:ZdMok.181085$gc5.100924@pd7urf2no...
Again, I don't know if this will come up, nor do I know if it would be an
issue for me to leave the kids home, but one thing I am not crazy about
is being put on the spot for something like this. I probably could avoid
SIL (and MIL, for that matter) until Monday and just plead ignorance that
I didn't know and just did what I felt most comfortable with... but... if
it came up, what would be the proper thing to do? Putting aside my
thoughts that children don't need to be at funerals, the huge issue for
me is chasing after them, trying to keep them quiet, trying to amuse
them...

I understand that you don't want to chase after them! I can give you my
experience. Dh's grandfather died and dh and his 4 brothers were very
close to him and the whole thing was extremely emotional. My two daughters
were almost 6 and 4.5 yrs. Also I had a neice who was 3. I was pregnant,
too. I remember walking into the funeral home with the kids, and one of my
BIL cried and came over and hugged the girls and took them over to see
their dead papa. It was very touching to me and it seemed important to
some other family members that the young ones be there. We had an
arrangement that my neice's mother was going to take all the little kids
to another aunt later on(not related to the deceased's side of the family)
and we would pick them up afterwards. I don't know if you have that
option.

I just have this feeling that if they do come, I will spend more time
standing outside in a hallway or outside the main doors than I would being
at the actual funeral. Because of this, this is why I am thinking I'd
rather not have them there, seeing as with them there, I might as well NOT
be there in the first place. The kids hardly even know this side of the
family.
I pretty much have the option to take them to my mom's house in the morning
before we go and then pick them up when we're going back home.

There you go, you have an option.

I will NOT
run from our place on one side of the city to the far other end to go to my
parents' place, back to not far from our place where the funeral will be,
back to the other side of the city to pick the kids up, back to wherever
everyone is going *after* the funeral part then back home again. That would
just be insane and not only do I not really enjoy wasting money on gas when
not necessary (especially with gas prices) I also do not have the time and
patience to do this. It's either they go somewhere for the whole time or
they don't.

What? "Insane" how?? Doing it for a family funeral, c'mon this isn't like a
daily commute. You presented a problem; here's the solution, then you summarily
reject it for pretty much convenience and don't-wanna reasons. Are you looking
for a reason *not* to go to this funeral? If your hubby needs to have you there
for him to be there as you say, you really need to go.

Be an adult and come up with the "time and patience" and gas money to use this
option.


Now as for the funeral, we did not bring the kids, they all stayed with
that same aunt. I just would not want to bring smaller kids to a funeral
because it requires silence(not that it HAS to, but I'm sure it's really
awkward for a parent) I don't have problems with my kids seeing death or
funerals(granted they've so far been elderly who are deceased), but I
agree with you and simply wouldn't want the hassle of children at a
funeral. Have you asked your SIL WHY she demands the kids be there for
everything? That's a controlling way to be, demanding your kids come, else
you're not invited. This is your husband's sister, right? I'm not sure who
"N" is. If so, maybe you can have him deal with her when she's giving
these demands.
Marie

N = DH
Why does she demand? In all honesty, I think it might either be a control
thing or maybe it's something else. I might even say that I think it's that
she's a little useless or lazy. None of that part of the family make any
attempt to see the kids, so when something comes up, it's like a do or die -
bring the kids or go to hell because we *never* bother to see them any other
time.
Birthdays come and go, just every day comes and goes. I don't think we go
more than a week without seeing my parents and family. I talk to my mom
daily, I often talk to my dad as well. We go over to my parents' house
usually every weekend. My mom will randomly call to ask us if we'd like to
come for dinner on a Sunday afternoon.
I don't get anything even close to that with the other side of the family,
yet I've never once ever declined the inlaws coming over. Given, we don't
go to MIL's, but that's another story. Our door and phone has ALWAYS been
open to them, and even if someone called last second and said they were in
the area, I'd tell them the door is open, coffee is on and pardon the mess!

It's a funeral. For someone pretty much in your hubby's immediate family. He
needs to go. You need to go. It's ONE DAY. I understand you don't want to
bring the kids as they'll be a handfull. But after reading this post I think
you're fishing for reasons not to go. Sorry, you need to go so hubby can go.
This is one of those regret-it-later things. It's one day. Make the
arrangements with your parents w.r.t. the kiddos and get yourself there.

Banty

Perhaps you could arrange to go to the funeral without kids but then
bring the kids to the after funeral lunch. In my family that lunch is
usually a big event. It would be OK for some rowdy kids to be there.
That might be a way to compromise.

--

Nikki, mama to 4 boys

"Banty" wrote in message
...
In article HBOok.181899$gc5.99586@pd7urf2no, Kat says...


"MarieD" wrote in message
...
"Kat" wrote in message
news:ZdMok.181085$gc5.100924@pd7urf2no...
Again, I don't know if this will come up, nor do I know if it would be
an
issue for me to leave the kids home, but one thing I am not crazy about
is being put on the spot for something like this. I probably could
avoid
SIL (and MIL, for that matter) until Monday and just plead ignorance
that
I didn't know and just did what I felt most comfortable with... but...
if
it came up, what would be the proper thing to do? Putting aside my
thoughts that children don't need to be at funerals, the huge issue for
me is chasing after them, trying to keep them quiet, trying to amuse
them...

I understand that you don't want to chase after them! I can give you my
experience. Dh's grandfather died and dh and his 4 brothers were very
close to him and the whole thing was extremely emotional. My two
daughters
were almost 6 and 4.5 yrs. Also I had a neice who was 3. I was pregnant,
too. I remember walking into the funeral home with the kids, and one of
my
BIL cried and came over and hugged the girls and took them over to see
their dead papa. It was very touching to me and it seemed important to
some other family members that the young ones be there. We had an
arrangement that my neice's mother was going to take all the little kids
to another aunt later on(not related to the deceased's side of the
family)
and we would pick them up afterwards. I don't know if you have that
option.

I just have this feeling that if they do come, I will spend more time
standing outside in a hallway or outside the main doors than I would being
at the actual funeral. Because of this, this is why I am thinking I'd
rather not have them there, seeing as with them there, I might as well NOT
be there in the first place. The kids hardly even know this side of the
family.
I pretty much have the option to take them to my mom's house in the
morning
before we go and then pick them up when we're going back home.

There you go, you have an option.

I will NOT
run from our place on one side of the city to the far other end to go to
my
parents' place, back to not far from our place where the funeral will be,
back to the other side of the city to pick the kids up, back to wherever
everyone is going *after* the funeral part then back home again. That
would
just be insane and not only do I not really enjoy wasting money on gas
when
not necessary (especially with gas prices) I also do not have the time and
patience to do this. It's either they go somewhere for the whole time or
they don't.

What? "Insane" how?? Doing it for a family funeral, c'mon this isn't
like a
daily commute. You presented a problem; here's the solution, then you
summarily
reject it for pretty much convenience and don't-wanna reasons. Are you
looking
for a reason *not* to go to this funeral? If your hubby needs to have you
there
for him to be there as you say, you really need to go.

Be an adult and come up with the "time and patience" and gas money to use
this
option.


Now as for the funeral, we did not bring the kids, they all stayed with
that same aunt. I just would not want to bring smaller kids to a funeral
because it requires silence(not that it HAS to, but I'm sure it's really
awkward for a parent) I don't have problems with my kids seeing death or
funerals(granted they've so far been elderly who are deceased), but I
agree with you and simply wouldn't want the hassle of children at a
funeral. Have you asked your SIL WHY she demands the kids be there for
everything? That's a controlling way to be, demanding your kids come,
else
you're not invited. This is your husband's sister, right? I'm not sure
who
"N" is. If so, maybe you can have him deal with her when she's giving
these demands.
Marie

N = DH
Why does she demand? In all honesty, I think it might either be a control
thing or maybe it's something else. I might even say that I think it's
that
she's a little useless or lazy. None of that part of the family make any
attempt to see the kids, so when something comes up, it's like a do or
die -
bring the kids or go to hell because we *never* bother to see them any
other
time.
Birthdays come and go, just every day comes and goes. I don't think we go
more than a week without seeing my parents and family. I talk to my mom
daily, I often talk to my dad as well. We go over to my parents' house
usually every weekend. My mom will randomly call to ask us if we'd like
to
come for dinner on a Sunday afternoon.
I don't get anything even close to that with the other side of the family,
yet I've never once ever declined the inlaws coming over. Given, we don't
go to MIL's, but that's another story. Our door and phone has ALWAYS been
open to them, and even if someone called last second and said they were in
the area, I'd tell them the door is open, coffee is on and pardon the
mess!

It's a funeral. For someone pretty much in your hubby's immediate family.
He
needs to go. You need to go. It's ONE DAY. I understand you don't want
to
bring the kids as they'll be a handfull. But after reading this post I
think
you're fishing for reasons not to go. Sorry, you need to go so hubby can
go.
This is one of those regret-it-later things. It's one day. Make the
arrangements with your parents w.r.t. the kiddos and get yourself there.

Banty

This is what we've done. My mom, AFAIK, is able to watch them. She just
needs a time (which I just found out late last night) to make sure she's
able to get away from work.
I don't mind going - I do mind going if I am feeling forced to bring the
kids.
If I have to bring them, then yes, I probably will think of any excuse to
not bring them/not go if given the ultimatum.

"Kat" wrote:

First off, I don't even know for sure if this will even be an issue, but I
want to try and be somewhat prepared should the topic arise...

I guess we have a funeral on Monday. It's for my SIL's husband (N's sister)
so, my BIL.

He died on Monday, and we were just told that there's a 'viewing' on Friday
with the funeral on Monday. Neither of us have any real desire to go to a
viewing (to be honest, those really freak me out, and finding someone to
watch the kids for a bit on Friday is just a royal PITA for me)

Viewings are an opportunity to connect with the family and offer
sympathy and support to them and to show the importance of the
deceased - the more people that attend the more respected the person
will be seen to be. Some people need this for closure. Some do not.
Some don't get closure even if they go to viewings.

If you were to go to the viewing it isn't necessary to actually
'view'. When my grandson died, it was a closed casket, except that
his other grandparents wanted the casket to be opened. So the room
was cleared and the casket was opened and the other grandparents and
anyone else that wanted to go in, went in. My dd#1 kept her children
(who were then about 9 and 11) out of the room at that time and my
DILs nieces and nephews also did not go in. After the interment (no N
in interment - otherwise it means that you confined someone or locked
them up - as internment camps), we adjourned to the church basement
for food.

Most of the funerals that I've attended (the latest one for my mom was
just a memorial service but three years ago we went to my dh's aunt's
funeral also) all the family was there. It was kind of family
reunion. That's the main reason to go to weddings and funerals - to
get in touch with family that you don't see often. The fact that you
are not real happy with your in-laws is not a reason to keep the
children away.

At my mother's memorial service it was a brief service in the church
with several people doing readings and a couple of songs. Then we
went to the church basement and had a buffet, and afterwards we went
to the house and walked around her garden. No problem for children
either in the church basement or at the house. The children all had
their cousins there to play with.

As I child I remember going to my grandmother's funeral (I was 10 and
my sister was 8 - my cousins were 8, 6 and 3 and we were all there). I
don't remember a viewing - I think if there was one, my mom probably
kept us away from it. I remember something of the church service, but
not much more than that except I remember Mother telling me that I
shouldn't bother Daddy because his mother had died and he was
grieving.

I think you should take N and at least your oldest child and go to the
funeral Why aggravate the rest of the family for no reason except
passive aggressive behavior toward your SIL on your part.

In article vGXok.182567$gc5.37928@pd7urf2no, Kat says...


"Banty" wrote in message
...
In article HBOok.181899$gc5.99586@pd7urf2no, Kat says...


"MarieD" wrote in message
...
"Kat" wrote in message
news:ZdMok.181085$gc5.100924@pd7urf2no...
Again, I don't know if this will come up, nor do I know if it would be
an
issue for me to leave the kids home, but one thing I am not crazy about
is being put on the spot for something like this. I probably could
avoid
SIL (and MIL, for that matter) until Monday and just plead ignorance
that
I didn't know and just did what I felt most comfortable with... but...
if
it came up, what would be the proper thing to do? Putting aside my
thoughts that children don't need to be at funerals, the huge issue for
me is chasing after them, trying to keep them quiet, trying to amuse
them...

I understand that you don't want to chase after them! I can give you my
experience. Dh's grandfather died and dh and his 4 brothers were very
close to him and the whole thing was extremely emotional. My two
daughters
were almost 6 and 4.5 yrs. Also I had a neice who was 3. I was pregnant,
too. I remember walking into the funeral home with the kids, and one of
my
BIL cried and came over and hugged the girls and took them over to see
their dead papa. It was very touching to me and it seemed important to
some other family members that the young ones be there. We had an
arrangement that my neice's mother was going to take all the little kids
to another aunt later on(not related to the deceased's side of the
family)
and we would pick them up afterwards. I don't know if you have that
option.

I just have this feeling that if they do come, I will spend more time
standing outside in a hallway or outside the main doors than I would being
at the actual funeral. Because of this, this is why I am thinking I'd
rather not have them there, seeing as with them there, I might as well NOT
be there in the first place. The kids hardly even know this side of the
family.
I pretty much have the option to take them to my mom's house in the
morning
before we go and then pick them up when we're going back home.

There you go, you have an option.

I will NOT
run from our place on one side of the city to the far other end to go to
my
parents' place, back to not far from our place where the funeral will be,
back to the other side of the city to pick the kids up, back to wherever
everyone is going *after* the funeral part then back home again. That
would
just be insane and not only do I not really enjoy wasting money on gas
when
not necessary (especially with gas prices) I also do not have the time and
patience to do this. It's either they go somewhere for the whole time or
they don't.

What? "Insane" how?? Doing it for a family funeral, c'mon this isn't
like a
daily commute. You presented a problem; here's the solution, then you
summarily
reject it for pretty much convenience and don't-wanna reasons. Are you
looking
for a reason *not* to go to this funeral? If your hubby needs to have you
there
for him to be there as you say, you really need to go.

Be an adult and come up with the "time and patience" and gas money to use
this
option.


Now as for the funeral, we did not bring the kids, they all stayed with
that same aunt. I just would not want to bring smaller kids to a funeral
because it requires silence(not that it HAS to, but I'm sure it's really
awkward for a parent) I don't have problems with my kids seeing death or
funerals(granted they've so far been elderly who are deceased), but I
agree with you and simply wouldn't want the hassle of children at a
funeral. Have you asked your SIL WHY she demands the kids be there for
everything? That's a controlling way to be, demanding your kids come,
else
you're not invited. This is your husband's sister, right? I'm not sure
who
"N" is. If so, maybe you can have him deal with her when she's giving
these demands.
Marie

N = DH
Why does she demand? In all honesty, I think it might either be a control
thing or maybe it's something else. I might even say that I think it's
that
she's a little useless or lazy. None of that part of the family make any
attempt to see the kids, so when something comes up, it's like a do or
die -
bring the kids or go to hell because we *never* bother to see them any
other
time.
Birthdays come and go, just every day comes and goes. I don't think we go
more than a week without seeing my parents and family. I talk to my mom
daily, I often talk to my dad as well. We go over to my parents' house
usually every weekend. My mom will randomly call to ask us if we'd like
to
come for dinner on a Sunday afternoon.
I don't get anything even close to that with the other side of the family,
yet I've never once ever declined the inlaws coming over. Given, we don't
go to MIL's, but that's another story. Our door and phone has ALWAYS been
open to them, and even if someone called last second and said they were in
the area, I'd tell them the door is open, coffee is on and pardon the
mess!

It's a funeral. For someone pretty much in your hubby's immediate family.
He
needs to go. You need to go. It's ONE DAY. I understand you don't want
to
bring the kids as they'll be a handfull. But after reading this post I
think
you're fishing for reasons not to go. Sorry, you need to go so hubby can
go.
This is one of those regret-it-later things. It's one day. Make the
arrangements with your parents w.r.t. the kiddos and get yourself there.

Banty

This is what we've done. My mom, AFAIK, is able to watch them. She just
needs a time (which I just found out late last night) to make sure she's
able to get away from work.
I don't mind going - I do mind going if I am feeling forced to bring the
kids.
If I have to bring them, then yes, I probably will think of any excuse to
not bring them/not go if given the ultimatum.


OK. Thought you were saying you would not not take them to your Moms due to the
travel distance in the other direction etc. etc. You really do need to go.

As long as you go, I agree with others that it is your perogative to decide if
the kiddos come with you, not someone else's purview to go and tell you what to
do in that regard.

I also agree with others that you should consider if they can come to an event
associated with the funeral (we never had a "funeral lunch", I guess that's
something like a wedding rehersal dinner getting to be de riguer...) to have the
kids there but at a venue where they wouldn't be so bored. And doing something
like that would give you an excuse to vacate yourself at the actual funeral if
you so desire ;-)

And I also think these behavior issues of your kids need to be worked on, its
not like all kids of those ages are like that. And I think a lot of your
stressing about this is about how you don't feel close to DH's family and how
he's not pitching in in general.

But those things are just my opinions and don't really impact on your need at
the moment not to take the kids if it's really stressy for you, and that it's
your perogative not to bring them - that's fine. Dont bring the topic up with
SIL or others; if someone else brings it up just say it wasn't feasible to bring
them and change the subject.

Banty

In article , Rosalie B. says...

"Kat" wrote:

First off, I don't even know for sure if this will even be an issue, but I
want to try and be somewhat prepared should the topic arise...

I guess we have a funeral on Monday. It's for my SIL's husband (N's sister)
so, my BIL.

He died on Monday, and we were just told that there's a 'viewing' on Friday
with the funeral on Monday. Neither of us have any real desire to go to a
viewing (to be honest, those really freak me out, and finding someone to
watch the kids for a bit on Friday is just a royal PITA for me)

Viewings are an opportunity to connect with the family and offer
sympathy and support to them and to show the importance of the
deceased - the more people that attend the more respected the person
will be seen to be. Some people need this for closure. Some do not.
Some don't get closure even if they go to viewings.

At my father's funeral the viewing really was the best chance to connect with
other family and exchange condolences. His casket was set up in a room that was
just off a central area which had most of the floral arrangements and memorial
materials (pictures, etc.) set up. So if someone is upset by the presence of
the body they don't have to deal with it to go to the viewing.


Banty