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#11
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How to deal with 7 year old?
"Kat" wrote in message ... He doesn't go to the school directly in our neighbourhood. The kids in his class live all over this side of the city - very, very few kids in his class live somewhat close to the school or to us. Almost all of his class takes the school buses to the school because it's not just the community school. To have someone from his class come here after school, it would mean that the other parent(s) would have to give the school permission to NOT send their child on the bus and that parent would either have to pick their child up from school or I'd have to make arrangements with the parent and school and bus to take their child from school - or the parent would need to bring their child here after school/I'd have to go to the house to pick the child up... Then deal with getting the kid home after supper. And quite frankly, I am glad he goes to a separate school and NOT the community school that everyone else around here goes to. I think you need to find a way to set up playdates with his classmates. It could really help change his social circle. My DS also goes to a school outside the area and I know the challenges to planning playdates where one parent has to drive, but it can be worth it. Besides, kids want to feel like they have friends at school. They don't usually feel they are truly friends until they see each other outside of school. |
#12
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How to deal with 7 year old?
"Banty" wrote in message ... In article , Jeff says... Kat wrote: He takes off and disappears often. He'll take off to the store 2 or 3 blocks away when I had told him he's not allowed to go to the store on his own OR with other 7 year old friends. He's taken off to the park, and like the store, it's a couple blocks away, across a busy, busy road and a place I have specifically said he may not go alone (or with other 7 year olds) He does not go by himself. It's ONLY with these other kids, and I've seen that the other kids have parents that just don't care where their kids are. Ding Ding Ding. We have a winner! If it's only with these other kids, he is not allowed to see the other kids at all. That should at least greatly help the problem. Which, in practical terms, means he does not go outside unless Mom or a relative is with him. Sucks; he'd be underfoot all the time, but that's how it is. I've been there. As was suggested by Rosalie, he'll need to have activities arranged or whatever to fillt he time. And I'd move, seriously. This situation will make it very hard to bring up a kid. Banty For the moving part, that's always easier said than done. I've put in an application to transfer (not because of DS or anything) but now I have to sit back and play the waiting game. I can't go somewhere if there's nowhere available to move to. Telling the housing company that I want to move also because of the other kids in the neighbourhood isn't going to cut it. I also am aware that all these places that are "rent-geared-to-income" can be pretty much the same story. I can't afford to move out of these places. It's just not possible. If I leave the housing, I give up on my subsidized (and at least affordable) rent. I just can't do that, especially since at this point I am NOT able to work or anything like that. I would NEVER be able to afford the rent around here as it's been out of this housing complex, nevermind the cost of food, bills, just living expenses. Here is the only way I'm able to actually have a chance to make it. The lady I am dealing with about my transfer, however, suggested I apply for another 3 bedroom. Main reason I put in a transfer request was because DDs CAN'T share a room. (this is a whole other story and irrelevant at this point) and with yet another, I need the 1 extra bedroom at least. I am going to call and ask if I can transfer to a 3 bedroom right now, instead of the 4, then put in another application to be on the list for a 4 bedroom. I don't know if I can (I need to call and ask) but I had thought of this just the other day and thought I'd at least try and see if that was possible. We need to move, but I am fairly limited on my options. |
#13
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How to deal with 7 year old?
In article , Kat says...
He doesn't go to the school directly in our neighbourhood. The kids in his class live all over this side of the city - very, very few kids in his class live somewhat close to the school or to us. Almost all of his class takes the school buses to the school because it's not just the community school. To have someone from his class come here after school, it would mean that the other parent(s) would have to give the school permission to NOT send their child on the bus and that parent would either have to pick their child up from school or I'd have to make arrangements with the parent and school and bus to take their child from school - or the parent would need to bring their child here after school/I'd have to go to the house to pick the child up... Then deal with getting the kid home after supper. And quite frankly, I am glad he goes to a separate school and NOT the community school that everyone else around here goes to. More reasons to move. Banty |
#14
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How to deal with 7 year old?
Kat wrote:
Last night, there was a HUGE explosion. DS came home from school. He wanted to go play outside right away. I made a deal with him that he can play for a bit, but when supper's ready, he comes in, has supper (obviously) and then he must do his homework right after supper before he's allowed to do anything (go back outside, watch TV, computer, whatever) He said that was fine. So, I make supper and while I'm outside at the BBQ, I call for him. And I call. And I call. Supper's on the table, I go out and call again. We're eating supper and go figure, I call again and he's nowhere to be found. At this point, I am more than just ****ed off. He's not supposed to be anywhere that he can't hear me or see the house. Apparently he's decided to do as he pleases. We have supper, finish, and I call him again. Kat, my son is exactly the same age as yours to the month. There's no way we'd have sat down to dinner without him at that age - or considerably older, for that matter. We'd have all waited and those old enough would searched for him until he was found. Then he'd have been grounded and not allowed to play outside unsupervised until there was a marked improvement in his behaviour. It's possible I am a little on the overprotective side or our street may have heavier traffic generally than yours and we do live right by a creek but I wouldn't be comfortable with the amount of freedom your son has to range off your property at his age. That said, I know you are having a rough time and I know its hard to find the energy to be consistent with your boundary setting and discipline techniques. Half an hour or so after supper, he's walking around just outside the yard. I tell him simply he needs to come in now. He's with about 3-4 other boys. He yells no at me. Once again, I just tell him he needs to come in now. Once again, he's yelling at me, and quite frankly, I could just about knock his block off. Last time, I tell him it's time to come in. He again yells no and comes in the yard, grabs a football and walks out of the yard. Now I'm ****ed off big time. I basically say he's inside NOW or there's going to be trouble. Nope, there is no asking or telling him again at this point, there is going and getting him. I ask once. I ask again and start counting and on the rare occasions I get to three I'm already moving towards the child I'm calling. I think you need to start moving on the first no from him from now on since you know he's going to escalate until you're both furious. A disrespectful tone and rude words require immediate action, otherwise you are teaching him it is alright to be rude to you. Others have given you details of the techniques they use but some of your son's behaviour must relate both to the stressful environment he's been growing up in as well as the fact his father has moved out. He sounds absolutely miserable to me, poor wee lad. Is family counselling a possibility for you and your children? How is his school work and behaviour at school? Could you organise your other sons to spend more time with him having fun, generally? He runs away from me, ends up throwing the ball at me to try and hit me and storms off in the house, yelling and shouting, even swearing at me. Really, I've had it with him. His behaviour has NOT been even close to acceptable for some time, but lately it's getting worse. At one point I DRAGGED him to the police station and told the cops there that I've had it, I'm about ready to give up and they need to give me some sort of resources before I lose it with him. They gave me a useless list of "resources" that got me nowhere. I really CAN'T take his behaviour anymore. He takes off and disappears often. He'll take off to the store 2 or 3 blocks away when I had told him he's not allowed to go to the store on his own OR with other 7 year old friends. He's taken off to the park, and like the store, it's a couple blocks away, across a busy, busy road and a place I have specifically said he may not go alone (or with other 7 year olds) He does not go by himself. It's ONLY with these other kids, and I've seen that the other kids have parents that just don't care where their kids are. He's doing nothing but talking back. And most of the time it stems from him not being able to do something HE wants to do that the other kids are doing. I'm really sick and tired of it. Last night, after he finally came in (and I had gone out of the yard to drag him in, which is when he was running away and throwing the ball at me) he was yelling and swearing and you name it. Then he ended up saying that it's MY fault that he doesn't have a dad, which is, for the most part, untrue. I felt like yelling at him that he doesn't have a proper dad because his dad is a drug addict, selfish, immature, irresponsible and self-centered. Which is true. I can't and won't force N to stop by to see the kids. Or help with supporting or raising them. I can't force him to be a proper father, as he should be. I will NOT have him here on drugs or have him come one day, no word for 2 weeks, come another day, basically come and go as he pleases... Tell the kids he's stopping by (or not tell the kids and just keep it to myself thinking he'll be here) and he doesn't come. I'm at the point, though, where I just CAN'T take this behaviour, and from a 7 year old. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I'm just about ready to drop him off at the police station, tell them to do something with him because I can't and leave. I can't handle his yelling and swearing, taking off and disappearing... Doing as he pleases when he pleases. And when he doesn't get his way, he'll destroy things just to try and **** me off... Like dig holes in the wall, write all over the floor in his room, throw toys around, rip clothes out of his closet and drawers... you name it. I'm really at the end of my rope... Is there ANYTHING to try doing?? I think he needs more attention of the positive kind. That's got to be difficult for you to arrange right now but do you have parents who could help out on weekends or after school, just to spend time with him? Does he have any nice friends he could play with whose parents like to keep their children and visiting friends within earshot? And also, it's not like he doesn't get things... He's in sports (thankfully the season is coming to an end in the next couple weeks) and has more than enough. Taking away fun things or priviledges seems to be useless. I do comment on good behaviour - tell him it makes me happy when he does this, makes me proud when he does that. Nothing seems to be working. |
#15
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How to deal with 7 year old?
"Kat" wrote:
I don't know he's actually gone until after the fact. It seems to take him only a minute to just disappear. I can't go off searching the neighbourhood It sounds like you are not paying attention to him. Why are you letting him get out of your sight? for him. He's stayed inside when I find out he's taken off somewhere he shouldn't be. There have been a few times that I've dragged the girls with me to go look for him. It doesn't make sense to wake up a pair of sleeping preschoolers from a nap because someone has taken off... Wake them up to drag them around to go look for him is silly. Be that as it may, that's what you may have to do. When dd#3 was four and in pre-school, I had to drag her little brother with me to take her and pick her up every morning and every afternoon. But I've had another idea. Why not have him go to your mother's house after school instead of coming home? My kids used to go various places on the bus after school. One day a week they went to a 4H meeting,and after we moved here, they went to the farm on the bus after school. |
#16
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How to deal with 7 year old?
"dejablues" wrote in message ... "Kat" wrote in message ... Have you asked the school for help? No, mainly because this doesn't seem to be an issue at all at school. Just at home. I figured there's no point in telling all the dirty stuff to the school. I thought by doing so, that might give him a bad name or something with the school/teachers. He's fine and dandy at school... I didn't and don't see any reason to air dirty laundry to them when it doesn't seem to be even a tiny issue at school. I have no idea what the schools are like where you are, but here the schools are often the first line of defense with kids and families that are troubled. The fact that your son is able to hold it together at school and falls to pieces at home speaks volumes. School might be a safe haven for him, since his home life is a mess. Teachers, counselors, and school administrators are professionals, and they are bound by certain rules of conduct and confidentiality. And, their services are free. What I've heard is that it's the opposite-that children fall apart at home because they know they're supported and loved unconditionally there, while at school they're a little more restrained because they don't have that level of confidence. It can also be simply that school has more obvious limits and stated rules, and if so, knowing what works for him at school may help at home. There's always more than one possibility in a situation-but I do agree that talking it over with the other people who see your child is not a bad idea. |
#17
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How to deal with 7 year old?
Kat wrote:
I'm at the point, though, where I just CAN'T take this behaviour, and from a 7 year old. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I'm just about ready to drop him off at the police station, tell them to do something with him because I can't and leave. I have a 7yo too, and he can get mouthy and I know how that can push buttons. This situation is very extreme, very serious, and very complicated. It is going no where but down hill and in a few years it will be a real crisis. I suggest you get professional help for him, and you. Some ideas are school counselors, community mental health centers, pediatrician, parenting classes, and even private counseling. If he is on state insurance it might cover that. Even social services will have resources but, in your situation, you may not want to contact them. It could get a little sticky. If you have a Big Friend/Little Friend type program sign him up. They can be so beneficial for boys in need of a good role model. I'd keep him really busy in activities he enjoys. Don't feel bad if your parents need to pay for it or if you need to wake your little kids up to ferry him around. It is worth it. He needs it. He is still young enough that you have a thread of control but it is fraying fast. -- Nikki |
#18
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How to deal with 7 year old?
"Rosalie B." wrote in message ... "Kat" wrote: I don't know he's actually gone until after the fact. It seems to take him only a minute to just disappear. I can't go off searching the neighbourhood It sounds like you are not paying attention to him. Why are you letting him get out of your sight? Not letting him out of my sight is not that easy. I can't drop everything or keep him inside with me or beside me 24/7. I have been trying to find various things for him to do when he's home... Be it football, which he leaves for shortly after he gets home from school, we take bike rides to the public library not far from here after supper fairly often (we try at least once a week, sometimes twice, but going daily is not an option), walking to the store or park when possible - partly to get out and partly to (hopefully) let him see that we can and do go to the store/park - places he's taken off to when he wasn't supposed to, finding various things/activities to do with grandparents, etc. This weekend I was going to take him to that "Body Worlds" exhibit here, but after finding out the cost, and thinking that my dad would truly enjoy this exhibit, I asked my dad if he'd like to go (again, partly to offset the cost to go for me and partly because my dad really would like this) and turns out that my dad and DS will be going this weekend. Just find that I've been looking for things to do. Some activities are out - like swimming, for one, is out of the question for the most part unless I can find someone to go with me (I am uncomfortable with 2 girls that don't swim and DS who does swim but not a marathon swimmer and still only 7 and needs 100% supervision while swimming) for him. He's stayed inside when I find out he's taken off somewhere he shouldn't be. There have been a few times that I've dragged the girls with me to go look for him. It doesn't make sense to wake up a pair of sleeping preschoolers from a nap because someone has taken off... Wake them up to drag them around to go look for him is silly. Be that as it may, that's what you may have to do. When dd#3 was four and in pre-school, I had to drag her little brother with me to take her and pick her up every morning and every afternoon. But I've had another idea. Why not have him go to your mother's house after school instead of coming home? My kids used to go various places on the bus after school. One day a week they went to a 4H meeting,and after we moved here, they went to the farm on the bus after school. She works and isn't retiring age for a few years yet. She's also on the other side of the city from us/the school. Same with my grandma - opposite side of the city, although she doesn't work. The bus system works for those on the school buses are from certain areas of the city. If out of the school's bus area, they do not get the option of the bus. There is ads I've seen for an after school/daycare alternative. It's a martial arts place (I believe tae kwon do) that says they offer a bus from a child's school after school, or can be dropped off by an existing bus from the school. I've been thinking about this quite a bit, and I know the cost would be out of my price range, but at the end of football I had planned to talk to my mom and ask her what she thinks about it... Even she if she'd be willing/able to go even half on it with me. My parents do often help out with costs if I don't have it. They do have it, especially since my brothers and I are grown, and for something for the kids, my parents don't usually have any issues at all. I have been thinking that something like this might be an idea. It offers something to do with time, some discipline and a variety of socialization. |
#19
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How to deal with 7 year old?
"Nikki" wrote in message ... Kat wrote: I'm at the point, though, where I just CAN'T take this behaviour, and from a 7 year old. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I'm just about ready to drop him off at the police station, tell them to do something with him because I can't and leave. I have a 7yo too, and he can get mouthy and I know how that can push buttons. This situation is very extreme, very serious, and very complicated. It is going no where but down hill and in a few years it will be a real crisis. I suggest you get professional help for him, and you. Some ideas are school counselors, community mental health centers, pediatrician, parenting classes, and even private counseling. If he is on state insurance it might cover that. Even social services will have resources but, in your situation, you may not want to contact them. It could get a little sticky. If you have a Big Friend/Little Friend type program sign him up. They can be so beneficial for boys in need of a good role model. I'd keep him really busy in activities he enjoys. Don't feel bad if your parents need to pay for it or if you need to wake your little kids up to ferry him around. It is worth it. He needs it. He is still young enough that you have a thread of control but it is fraying fast. I did a quick search and found that we have "Big Brothers and Big Sisters" in the city. I've heard of this before. I believe N actually had a "Big Brother" when he was younger through his school (ha... some benefit THAT apparently did) but I just called, since it was mentioned and I thought of it. Left a message and was told that I would get a call back as soon as possible. It's hard to find activities, but we have been going for bike rides to the library not far away, walking to the store/park, I've been trying to find various activities to do that are possible to do. My dad said he would take DS to an exhibit this weekend. Finding things is a little bit of a challenge. |
#20
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How to deal with 7 year old?
Kat wrote:
"Rosalie B." wrote in message It is all very well not to want to get into the reason that his father is no longer in his life, but at this point it either has to be discussed with him or you will have to avail yourself of one of those 'useless' resources so that he can talk to someone else about it. When N was here that one day, DS came home from school and threw his bag inside and went to go outside to play. I stopped him (because N was here) and DS made it clear that he'd much rather go out than stay in and he didn't even say hi. When I asked him about it, just casually brought it up, he told me he didn't care to stay hi or stick around because he didn't want to. He told me (this wasn't in anger or anything at all) that he doesn't want N to live here and is glad he's not here. I asked him why. He said because N is mean to him all the time. I figured that was fair enough for him to say or feel and the topic was just sort of dropped. To a 7 year old, though, "mean" can be that he's not allowed to do something or can't have something. I'm mean if he can't eat a box of cookies. I'm mean if he needs to do homework, clean his room, whatever. From what he said, I do take it that he's just ****ed off with his dad. Just because he says he's glad his father is out of the house doesn't mean that he isn't very conflicted about it inside, and just because the acting out started before his father left doesn't mean he wasn't/isn't reacting to the tensions that have clearly been in play for quite some time now. A 7yo can't articulate a lot of these feelings, at least without some help, so you can't really afford to accept what he says totally at face value. It may just be his bravado talking. Best wishes, Ericka |
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