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On Abusive Relationships



 
 
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Old February 5th 04, 10:55 PM
Joelle
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Default On Abusive Relationships

That's what makes it difficult
for me to judge the "victims" of abuse as in it for some reason or as
the cause of their abuse.


Okay I'd just like to clarify that pointing out that we "get something" out of
our relationships (abusive or not) is not labeling or judging, it's just
observing what I believe is a fact. It's not a bad thing. It's a helpful
thing, to see what you get out of the choices you make.

I speak as someone who while never having been physically abused, has stayed
too long in relationships with men who didn't treat me very nice and I can see
that I got some things out of it, compaionship, the ability to say "Well I have
someone" the superiority to say "Oh I've been so mistreated"

I've also, in my nearly 20 years in the business --no I'm not a trained
counseler, but I've reflected and listened to a lot of men and women talk about
what went wrong in their relationships and have seen that being able to see
that you get something out of the bad choices you make as much as the good
choices you make can be very helpful. Because then you lay out "Well this is
what I get out of it that may seem like a plus or may help me feel better
temporarily, but this is the price I pay for that and is it worth it?" is very
helpful for many people.

I don't think this is a terrible thing, I think it's pretty normal. In fact I
don't think I'm the judgmental one, I think the people who automatically assume
suggesting a person who "gets something" out of a bad relationship is assuming
it's their fault or there is something wrong with them is the one making
judgments, they are the ones assuming there's something wrong or "bad" about
that. It just is. Like Kate says, we do what we do as "a product of being a
human with a brain that has cognitive limits"

Anyway I have seen that it's helpful in enough cases to pursue that track that
I ask the question. I acknowledge that it's not helpful for everyone, but I
reject the notion that it's judgmental or that it indicates a lack of
understanding.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle
 




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