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On Abusive Relationships
That's what makes it difficult
for me to judge the "victims" of abuse as in it for some reason or as the cause of their abuse. Okay I'd just like to clarify that pointing out that we "get something" out of our relationships (abusive or not) is not labeling or judging, it's just observing what I believe is a fact. It's not a bad thing. It's a helpful thing, to see what you get out of the choices you make. I speak as someone who while never having been physically abused, has stayed too long in relationships with men who didn't treat me very nice and I can see that I got some things out of it, compaionship, the ability to say "Well I have someone" the superiority to say "Oh I've been so mistreated" I've also, in my nearly 20 years in the business --no I'm not a trained counseler, but I've reflected and listened to a lot of men and women talk about what went wrong in their relationships and have seen that being able to see that you get something out of the bad choices you make as much as the good choices you make can be very helpful. Because then you lay out "Well this is what I get out of it that may seem like a plus or may help me feel better temporarily, but this is the price I pay for that and is it worth it?" is very helpful for many people. I don't think this is a terrible thing, I think it's pretty normal. In fact I don't think I'm the judgmental one, I think the people who automatically assume suggesting a person who "gets something" out of a bad relationship is assuming it's their fault or there is something wrong with them is the one making judgments, they are the ones assuming there's something wrong or "bad" about that. It just is. Like Kate says, we do what we do as "a product of being a human with a brain that has cognitive limits" Anyway I have seen that it's helpful in enough cases to pursue that track that I ask the question. I acknowledge that it's not helpful for everyone, but I reject the notion that it's judgmental or that it indicates a lack of understanding. Joelle The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Joelle |
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