single parenting help

Hi everyone,
I'm a single mother of a four year old boy. I have problem with his kicking
behaviour, I don't know how to stop him from doing it. Is it something that
he will just outgrown or is it something that has to stop right now or he
will grow up with it.
I would really appreciate every advice. Thank you very much.

Lisa

He needs to stop kicking - as an adult, you know this.

What have you tried, so far, to convince him he'd be a happier camper if he
doesn't kick people?


"Snow Leopard" wrote in message
...
Hi everyone,
I'm a single mother of a four year old boy. I have problem with his
kicking behaviour, I don't know how to stop him from doing it. Is it
something that he will just outgrown or is it something that has to stop
right now or he will grow up with it.
I would really appreciate every advice. Thank you very much.

Lisa

"Snow Leopard" wrote in message
...
Hi everyone,
I'm a single mother of a four year old boy. I have problem with his
kicking behaviour, I don't know how to stop him from doing it. Is it
something that he will just outgrown or is it something that has to stop
right now or he will grow up with it.
I would really appreciate every advice. Thank you very much.

Lisa

Ha! 4 year old! Sucks big time to be you! Oh, wait... Darn... Mine is 4
as well - but not for too much longer!
To be quite honest, and coming from someone who has a 4 year old, it needs
to stop and it needs to stop now. At 4 years of age, they understand and
know the basics between right and wrong. They also know the basics on what
is good behavior and what behavior is unacceptable. I've found that hitting
isn't as easy to stop as something like biting is. B had a major biting
problem when he was about 2. My mom - and everyone else in the family -
kept telling me to bite him back. I thought this was just the stupidest
thing to do, but finally, after a long time of really doing nothing about
the biting, I did bite him back. Not hard, didn't break the skin, didn't
leave marks on him or even really a red spot, but I bit him enough for him
to see that it really did hurt me when he did it, and to my surprise, it
stopped. Bite back seems to be the common solution that a lot of people
suggest trying and I find it worked for us.
Hitting, and kicking, on the other hand, aren't so easy to deal with.
There's some things you should think about first...
When does the hitting come? - Is he angry? Is he sad? Frustrated?
Playing? Bored?

If he's hitting out of anger or frustration, you need to intervene when he
first starts to get angry. Do you tell him no (wants snacks as your making
supper - no, you may not have a snack, I'm making supper type situation) and
he doesn't get it and starts hitting? I've found in cases like that, what I
did was I'd distract him. "Snack please!" -"No, I am right in the middle of
making supper. Would you like some crayons and paper? You could draw me a
nice picture that we could put on the fridge."
It didn't work right away, but with consistency, I find that eventually he
started to get it and understand.
When he'd hit me out of anger, in a public place or a place where a
distraction is a bit harder, I've really gotten good and catching his arm as
he swings. I'd hold his hand, get down to his eye level and look at him and
tell him, "No hitting. It's not nice and it hurts me when you hit me. I do
not hit you so there is no reason to hit me." And although, at first, I
thought I was making him feel bad, and I felt bad doing that, I soon
realized that even if I was making him feel bad for doing something that
really is bad (without actually telling him 'you're being bad!') it also
made him think about what he was doing.
For my son, I've found that yelling, shouting, screaming, swearing and dead
threats are useless and go 0-60 --never. I let him pout. I do not let him
hit and kick and he's doing real good with that. Pouting is allowed, and
most of the time Pout Time is spent away from me. I've tried taking toys
away, taking special treats or TV time and tossing it, but at 4, IME, that
kind of stuff just doesn't work well with a 4 year old. Reinforcement seems
to work wonders, and so does consistency.

--
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On Wed, 7 Dec 2005 22:39:03 +1100 in article dn6hko$f4q$1@news-
02.connect.com.au, spoke thusly...
Hi everyone,
I'm a single mother of a four year old boy. I have problem with his kicking
behaviour, I don't know how to stop him from doing it. Is it something that
he will just outgrown or is it something that has to stop right now or he
will grow up with it.
I would really appreciate every advice. Thank you very much.


First of all, don't take this as a personal attack, but rather as a critique.
He is most probably kicking because you allow him to get away with it.

Behavioral problems with children are usually 50% due to the tendencies of
the child, and about 50% due to the inability of the parent to *effectively*
discipline the child. Notice I highlighted the word "effectively" on purpose.
I take a firm stand against children doing physical abuse to others. Here's
how I would handle it.

First time he kicks I'd say "Tim, if you kick me again you're going to time
out. Do not kick people." (Make sure to say it with authority. Many people do
not how do talk with authority, or they think they know how but do it
incorrectly.)

If he kicks you immediately, immediately put him in time out for the number
of minutes equal to his age. Tell him "You're going to the bad boy spot for 4
minutes. If you get out of that spot, I will spank you and you will start
your time all over."

SET A TIMER. Show him the timer. Say "When this timer rings you can get out
and you will apologize to me for kicking me. DO NOT TOUCH THE TIMER or it
will start all over." (We have a son who eventually grew to reach the timer
while in time out and would fast forward it.) Keep an eye on the child while
he is in time out.

If he gets out of the time out spot before the timer rings, give him ONE
sharp spank on the bottom. Say "I told you you would get spanked if you got
out before your time was up. If you get up again you will get more spanks."
Put him back in the bad boy spot and start the timer again.

(And this part from Nanny 911.) After the timer rings go to him and say "Now
you apologize to mommy for hurting her." Saying "sorry" or "I'm sorry" is
good enough at age 4. (hugs) Say "And do not kick anyone again."

This should work after about 3-4 times.

Yes, I advocate spanking, but only as a last resort. Notice I used the verbal
warning first, then the time out (bad boy spot). I used spanking only to
reinforce that he had to stay in the bad boy spot. When I spank, I spank one
swat on the first time, then 3 swats, then 5, then 7, adding 2 each time.

Spanking is not used as an easy way to "make the problem go away". It is used
as a communication tool. Children's brains are generally not developed enough
to use logic and understand the consequences of their actions via verbal
explanations. I.e. explaining what's going to happen is not enough to really
write the lesson into their brain and long term memory.

Good luck. Know the difference between having authority and being mean. Have
authority but do not be mean.

We have a nine year old son and he is very well behaved. He is not perfect,
he still gets in trouble at school, but for minor things, like talking too
much in class.



--
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"A Man" wrote in message
reenews.net...
On Wed, 7 Dec 2005 22:39:03 +1100 in article dn6hko$f4q$1@news-
02.connect.com.au, spoke thusly...
Hi everyone,
I'm a single mother of a four year old boy. I have problem with his
kicking
behaviour, I don't know how to stop him from doing it. Is it something
that
he will just outgrown or is it something that has to stop right now or he
will grow up with it.
I would really appreciate every advice. Thank you very much.


First of all, don't take this as a personal attack, but rather as a
critique.
He is most probably kicking because you allow him to get away with it.

Behavioral problems with children are usually 50% due to the tendencies of
the child, and about 50% due to the inability of the parent to
*effectively*
discipline the child. Notice I highlighted the word "effectively" on
purpose.
I take a firm stand against children doing physical abuse to others.
Here's
how I would handle it.

First time he kicks I'd say "Tim, if you kick me again you're going to
time
out. Do not kick people." (Make sure to say it with authority. Many people
do
not how do talk with authority, or they think they know how but do it
incorrectly.)

If he kicks you immediately, immediately put him in time out for the
number
of minutes equal to his age. Tell him "You're going to the bad boy spot
for 4
minutes. If you get out of that spot, I will spank you and you will start
your time all over."

SET A TIMER. Show him the timer. Say "When this timer rings you can get
out
and you will apologize to me for kicking me. DO NOT TOUCH THE TIMER or it
will start all over." (We have a son who eventually grew to reach the
timer
while in time out and would fast forward it.) Keep an eye on the child
while
he is in time out.

If he gets out of the time out spot before the timer rings, give him ONE
sharp spank on the bottom. Say "I told you you would get spanked if you
got
out before your time was up. If you get up again you will get more
spanks."
Put him back in the bad boy spot and start the timer again.

(And this part from Nanny 911.) After the timer rings go to him and say
"Now
you apologize to mommy for hurting her." Saying "sorry" or "I'm sorry" is
good enough at age 4. (hugs) Say "And do not kick anyone again."

This should work after about 3-4 times.

Yes, I advocate spanking, but only as a last resort. Notice I used the
verbal
warning first, then the time out (bad boy spot). I used spanking only to
reinforce that he had to stay in the bad boy spot. When I spank, I spank
one
swat on the first time, then 3 swats, then 5, then 7, adding 2 each time.

Spanking is not used as an easy way to "make the problem go away". It is
used
as a communication tool. Children's brains are generally not developed
enough
to use logic and understand the consequences of their actions via verbal
explanations. I.e. explaining what's going to happen is not enough to
really
write the lesson into their brain and long term memory.

Good luck. Know the difference between having authority and being mean.
Have
authority but do not be mean.

We have a nine year old son and he is very well behaved. He is not
perfect,
he still gets in trouble at school, but for minor things, like talking too
much in class.


I happen to agree with this, with the exception of calling it the "bad boy
spot". The child isn't bad, it's his behaviour that's wrong.

Christine