My husband is having a power struggle with my son

My husband, whom is the step-dad of my son, has been having a power
struggle with my son who's only six. I'm fed up with his poor
decision making and harsh words toward him but I'm at a crossroad and
unsure which way to go. My husband understands that his step-son's
biological dad isn't here and before I even moved out here (almost six
years ago), I asked repeatedly and told him that one of the things I
won't bend on is his unacceptance of my son. It seems as though I was
completely blind-sided by lonliness or whatever because I actually
believed he would accept him as his own. However, I was abruptly made
aware that he didn't accept my son when he was only a year and a half
and my husband wanted him, "in bed now because I had a long day...and
keep him quiet, I can't handle the crying...." I'm irritated with
myself and dissapointed with him that things have gone the way they've
gone, but I'm really considering if it's better for me to separate
from him for a while to see if his behavior changes at all, or if I
should try another approach (books/books on tape, self help books,
etc). My husband's a very sensitive man too so I would have to be
creative if I chose to use the books, so that I didn't bruise his ego
or something.

Anyway, if anyone has any suggestions or has had a similar situation,
I'm in need of advice. Thanks!

On Aug 11, 12:11?am, wrote:
My husband, whom is the step-dad of my son, has been having a power
struggle with my son who's only six. I'm fed up with his poor
decision making and harsh words toward him but I'm at a crossroad and
unsure which way to go. My husband understands that his step-son's
biological dad isn't here and before I even moved out here (almost six
years ago), I asked repeatedly and told him that one of the things I
won't bend on is his unacceptance of my son. It seems as though I was
completely blind-sided by lonliness or whatever because I actually
believed he would accept him as his own. However, I was abruptly made
aware that he didn't accept my son when he was only a year and a half
and my husband wanted him, "in bed now because I had a long day...and
keep him quiet, I can't handle the crying...." I'm irritated with
myself and dissapointed with him that things have gone the way they've
gone, but I'm really considering if it's better for me to separate
from him for a while to see if his behavior changes at all, or if I
should try another approach (books/books on tape, self help books,
etc). My husband's a very sensitive man too so I would have to be
creative if I chose to use the books, so that I didn't bruise his ego
or something.

Anyway, if anyone has any suggestions or has had a similar situation,
I'm in need of advice. Thanks!

Just the use of the phrases he uses for you to care to his needs by
"getting rid of" or quieting your child is unreasonable, and I venture
to predict that it will not change. I wouldn't worry about his ego, as
this is the man that your son will be modeling his behavior on. I
would tell him that he is missing his opportunity to be your son's
hero, and his reaction should spell it out to you either way. My step-
dad seemed to us to be grumpy when we were younger and we never did
like him trying to take the dad role, but he did, and today, he is my
father in every sense of the word, as us girls are his daughters. My
biological father is not my *father*, and I know him and have a
relationship with him. Only you can evaluate the situation and look
within yourself to be sure it isn't the typical step-family situation
where the step-parent either has to tread lightly to avoid making mom
feel like she has to choose a side or whether or not he is really
being unreasonable.

To be honest, biological fathers behave like this too, there are very
many men, who behave as if it's the women's responsibility to do most
things and essentially keep the children out of the way of him, it's
less common these days, but it was normal 30+ years ago. It's hard
whether a step parent or not, if you differ on how you treat a child,
I'm struggling right now with the fact at times my husband seems to
treat my 4 year old very harshly, yelling at him not to do something,
without any prior warning that it was wrong and if he doesn't obey,
yanking him away from whatever it was, usually resulting in a lot of
tears, whereas if verbal commands don't work for me, I remove him
gently, but firmly and usually get a lot less tears. The important thing
for me, hard though I find it, is to back up my husband, rather than
undermine him, if he tries to come to me for sympathy, I will calm
remind him of what he was doing wrong and that he must do whatever his
father is asking him to do. I may not like what DH is doing, but it
certainly makes everything a lot smoother if I respect him, hopefully
I'll get a chance to talk to him soon about this. It may help you a
little if you step back and see if there are any situations when you are
undermining him or anything, I don't know if you are making decisions
about your son and conciously or subconciously using "he's my son" to
either not include your husband in the decision making, or go against
his preference - it's no magical solution, it's more like creating a
mould, which hopefully he'll gradually take the shape of. Remember too
that his is human, the event you describe would not be good if it was a
regular occurance, but it may have been a particularly difficult day, or
he may have been coming down with something - my husband had an evening
like this recently, he didn't actually say take the kids away, make them
quiet etc. but it was clearly what I needed to do, we were away from
home and it made for a tricky few hours for me.

Cheers
Anne

wrote:
My husband, whom is the step-dad of my son, has been having a power
[snip]
won't bend on is his unacceptance of my son. It seems as though I was
completely blind-sided by lonliness or whatever because I actually
believed he would accept him as his own. However, I was abruptly made
aware that he didn't accept my son when he was only a year and a half
and my husband wanted him, "in bed now because I had a long day...and
keep him quiet, I can't handle the crying...." I'm irritated with
myself and dissapointed with him that things have gone the way they've
gone, but I'm really considering if it's better for me to separate
[snip]

I'm with Anne, this particular comment sounds like something a
biological father might say as well.

Maybe what you need to do is to analyse what you think a biological
father would do/would never do: if you post it here, we could tell you
how accurate your list is.

For instance biological fathers
- do get fed up with toddlers who are crying,
- do tell 5yos to go to bed when they are whinging,
- don't automatically realise it's bedtime
- don't always play ballgames every time a child wans to

We don't know what your husband is doing. However, if that incident
was the first example, there is a chance that you have been putting
him off. If your attitude has become "why aren't you doing what his
real dad would do", and your husband has been acting how *he* thinks
a real dad would act, then its not surprising if their relationship
is getting into problems.

Personally, what I would be inclined to do is to assess the rest of
the relationship as well. If this is the one problem area, then I
would see what I could do to improve relations. You might try and
notice when your husband is getting on well with your son and say
something later, but make sure it is low-key, like "I liked watching
you two play this afternoon".

Your husband may never treat your son exactly as you might want, but
I think after being with him from a baby, he has a better chance of
doing that most men.

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three

In article . com,
says...

My husband, whom is the step-dad of my son, has been having a power
struggle with my son who's only six. I'm fed up with his poor
decision making and harsh words toward him but I'm at a crossroad and
unsure which way to go. My husband understands that his step-son's
biological dad isn't here and before I even moved out here (almost six
years ago), I asked repeatedly and told him that one of the things I
won't bend on is his unacceptance of my son. It seems as though I was
completely blind-sided by lonliness or whatever because I actually
believed he would accept him as his own. However, I was abruptly made
aware that he didn't accept my son when he was only a year and a half
and my husband wanted him, "in bed now because I had a long day...and
keep him quiet, I can't handle the crying...." I'm irritated with
myself and dissapointed with him that things have gone the way they've
gone, but I'm really considering if it's better for me to separate
from him for a while to see if his behavior changes at all, or if I
should try another approach (books/books on tape, self help books,
etc). My husband's a very sensitive man too so I would have to be
creative if I chose to use the books, so that I didn't bruise his ego
or something.

Anyway, if anyone has any suggestions or has had a similar situation,
I'm in need of advice. Thanks!


Put in your post in the alt.support.step-parents newsgroup. You'll find some
people very experienced in this sort of situation there.

Good luck,
Bbanty