Weaning dilemma

Normally my posts are OT so I am excited to be posting something on topic
for a change!

MY DH has suddenly decided that he wants to be more involved with the every
day duties of caring for our (21 mth old) DD, to include diaper changing,
putting to sleep and bathing. It has been a bone of contention between us
since her birth and so I am glad that he seems to have finally come to this
decision on his own (whole other rant I could go on, but I need to stay
focused!). Anyway the problem is, she has never been away from me for more
than 4 hours because she wants to nurse, and he would like to start taking
her out to places just the two of them and has even suggested (gasp) that I
go away overnight at some point!

At this late stage, I am not able to pump enough to leave for her (not that
this would make a lot of difference anyway, as it's the comfort of nursing
she craves more than anything, I think) and he is now asking me when I plan
to wean and thinks that 2 is the right time. This is only 3 months away and
I just don't think that she will wean herself by this age as she still
pretty consistently nurses about every 4 hours and for naps/bed at night,
plus she will wake up in the night at least once to nurse. My nursing goals
have always been to let her self wean, but from what I have read here from
SAHM's this could go on for another year or more if she self weans. I am
totally not ready to wean her psychologically, but if I thought *she* was I
would be OK with it. I just don't know if MY unwillingness makes me blind
to it?

So, my question is, what have others done when their husbands want the
nursing relationship to end? Is there anything I can do to promote the
self-weaning? I am thinking that I could leave her for progressively more
and more time with him (and I DO want to encourage this so that he gets more
self confidence that he *can* do things "as well" as mama) and that this
would help her to realize that she doesn't need it as much as she thinks.

I am very pro- bf'ing and am a confirmed lactivist, so the thought of not
having that in my life is heartbreaking to me, but how healthy is that
really???

I know that you can gradually drop a feed, but as those of you with a
toddler know, when they want something it is VERY difficult to distract them
enough so that they'll forget about it and she has NEVER gone to sleep
without nursing and I wouldn't have th faintest idea about how to put her
down for a nap without it. How sad is that!

Anyway, sorry for rambling. TIA for any help.

CY

"CY" wrote in message
newsuByb.21580$o9.8713@fed1read07...
Normally my posts are OT so I am excited to be posting something on topic
for a change!

MY DH has suddenly decided that he wants to be more involved with the
every
day duties of caring for our (21 mth old) DD, to include diaper changing,
putting to sleep and bathing. It has been a bone of contention between us
since her birth and so I am glad that he seems to have finally come to
this
decision on his own (whole other rant I could go on, but I need to stay
focused!). Anyway the problem is, she has never been away from me for
more
than 4 hours because she wants to nurse, and he would like to start taking
her out to places just the two of them and has even suggested (gasp) that
I
go away overnight at some point!

At this late stage, I am not able to pump enough to leave for her (not
that
this would make a lot of difference anyway, as it's the comfort of nursing
she craves more than anything, I think) and he is now asking me when I
plan
to wean and thinks that 2 is the right time. This is only 3 months away
and
I just don't think that she will wean herself by this age as she still
pretty consistently nurses about every 4 hours and for naps/bed at night,
plus she will wake up in the night at least once to nurse. My nursing
goals
have always been to let her self wean, but from what I have read here from
SAHM's this could go on for another year or more if she self weans. I am
totally not ready to wean her psychologically, but if I thought *she* was
I
would be OK with it. I just don't know if MY unwillingness makes me blind
to it?

So, my question is, what have others done when their husbands want the
nursing relationship to end? Is there anything I can do to promote the
self-weaning? I am thinking that I could leave her for progressively more
and more time with him (and I DO want to encourage this so that he gets
more
self confidence that he *can* do things "as well" as mama) and that this
would help her to realize that she doesn't need it as much as she thinks.

I am very pro- bf'ing and am a confirmed lactivist, so the thought of not
having that in my life is heartbreaking to me, but how healthy is that
really???

I know that you can gradually drop a feed, but as those of you with a
toddler know, when they want something it is VERY difficult to distract
them
enough so that they'll forget about it and she has NEVER gone to sleep
without nursing and I wouldn't have th faintest idea about how to put her
down for a nap without it. How sad is that!

Anyway, sorry for rambling. TIA for any help.

I'm sure if you are not there, and DD is having a great time with Daddy
she'll find a way to cope. She can't ask to nurse when you are not there,
can she?

Tine, Denmark

"CY" wrote in message
newsuByb.21580$o9.8713@fed1read07...

At this late stage, I am not able to pump enough to leave for her (not
that
this would make a lot of difference anyway, as it's the comfort of
nursing
she craves more than anything, I think) and he is now asking me when I
plan
to wean and thinks that 2 is the right time. This is only 3 months away
and
I just don't think that she will wean herself by this age as she still
pretty consistently nurses about every 4 hours and for naps/bed at
night,
plus she will wake up in the night at least once to nurse. My nursing
goals
have always been to let her self wean, but from what I have read here
from
SAHM's this could go on for another year or more if she self weans. I
am
totally not ready to wean her psychologically, but if I thought *she*
was
I
would be OK with it. I just don't know if MY unwillingness makes me
blind
to it?

So, my question is, what have others done when their husbands want the
nursing relationship to end? Is there anything I can do to promote the
self-weaning?

I would certainly, if I were in your shoes, ask my husband why he thinks 2
is a good time, why he thinks this is in the child's best interest. After
all, the age is entirely arbitrary. Why 2? Why not tomorrow? Why not 2 years
and 3 months? Doesn't *she* get a say in it, or does he think it should be
stopped cold-turkey merely because of a calendar date? (I observed this sort
of cold-turkey thing done to my nephew when he turned 2 and it was decided
for him that he was too old for pacifiers. I thought it was cruel. Yes, he
got over it, but what was the point?)

My grittier side would probably want to say "Hon, you're not part of the
nursing relationship. You don't get a say in when it ends. That's between me
and my breasts, and her and her desire to nurse. It doesn't affect your
relationship with her, and it doesn't affect your relationship with me, and
I'll not have you dictating regarding this situation. It's great that
you're more involved in her day-to-day care, but that doesn't give you a say
in *this*." (of course, if it *is* affecting his relationship with her,
that's something that must be dealt with. I just don't see how it could.)

That said, you might be able to leave her longer periods with daddy, and if
you're not present, she obviously can't nurse. That's one way to slowly
decrease the number of nursings per day, if that's important to you.

--angela

"CY" wrote in message
newsuByb.21580$o9.8713@fed1read07...
Normally my posts are OT so I am excited to be posting something on topic
for a change!

MY DH has suddenly decided that he wants to be more involved with the
every
day duties of caring for our (21 mth old) DD, to include diaper changing,
putting to sleep and bathing. It has been a bone of contention between us
since her birth and so I am glad that he seems to have finally come to
this
decision on his own (whole other rant I could go on, but I need to stay
focused!). Anyway the problem is, she has never been away from me for
more
than 4 hours because she wants to nurse, and he would like to start taking
her out to places just the two of them and has even suggested (gasp) that
I
go away overnight at some point!

At this late stage, I am not able to pump enough to leave for her (not
that
this would make a lot of difference anyway, as it's the comfort of nursing
she craves more than anything, I think) and he is now asking me when I
plan
to wean and thinks that 2 is the right time. This is only 3 months away
and
I just don't think that she will wean herself by this age as she still
pretty consistently nurses about every 4 hours and for naps/bed at night,
plus she will wake up in the night at least once to nurse. My nursing
goals
have always been to let her self wean, but from what I have read here from
SAHM's this could go on for another year or more if she self weans. I am
totally not ready to wean her psychologically, but if I thought *she* was
I
would be OK with it. I just don't know if MY unwillingness makes me blind
to it?

So, my question is, what have others done when their husbands want the
nursing relationship to end? Is there anything I can do to promote the
self-weaning? I am thinking that I could leave her for progressively more
and more time with him (and I DO want to encourage this so that he gets
more
self confidence that he *can* do things "as well" as mama) and that this
would help her to realize that she doesn't need it as much as she thinks.

I am very pro- bf'ing and am a confirmed lactivist, so the thought of not
having that in my life is heartbreaking to me, but how healthy is that
really???

I know that you can gradually drop a feed, but as those of you with a
toddler know, when they want something it is VERY difficult to distract
them
enough so that they'll forget about it and she has NEVER gone to sleep
without nursing and I wouldn't have th faintest idea about how to put her
down for a nap without it. How sad is that!

Anyway, sorry for rambling. TIA for any help.

CY



I want to know your husband's motivation. Him wanting you to wean, and
spend time away from DD -- sounds like someone coached by a divorce attorney
in preplanning so he can have a shot at joint custody in a certain number of
months by showing how involved he is and how non-essential you are 24/7. I
hope this isn't what's going in. I was a divorce lawyer so color me
paranoid.

--Dagny

This is exactly what I thought, too. I was never a divorce lawyer, but tend
to be pessimistic. Hope we are paranoid.....
Dena

Dagny wrote in message
I want to know your husband's motivation. Him wanting you to wean, and
spend time away from DD -- sounds like someone coached by a divorce
attorney in preplanning so he can have a shot at joint custody in a certain
number of months by showing how involved he is and how non-essential you
are 24/7. I hope this isn't what's going in. I was a divorce lawyer so
color me paranoid.

--Dagny

I think your paranoid. I see a mom who has taken all the baby care away from
hubby and he is feeling left out. I see a husband who wants to be a part of
the daughter's life, but mom is too wrapped up in thinking that she is the
only one that can take care of their daughter. Their daughter is definitely
old enough to not have to depend on nursing so much and can spend some time
with someone else and get used to their care. I think it is a good thing.
The fact that the child still nurses so much gives an indication that the
child could use some more outside stimulus and from someone other than mom.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)
I'm Just a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll World...

"Sue" wrote in message
...
Dagny wrote in message
I want to know your husband's motivation. Him wanting you to wean, and
spend time away from DD -- sounds like someone coached by a divorce
attorney in preplanning so he can have a shot at joint custody in a
certain
number of months by showing how involved he is and how non-essential you
are 24/7. I hope this isn't what's going in. I was a divorce lawyer so
color me paranoid.

--Dagny

I think your paranoid. I see a mom who has taken all the baby care away
from
hubby and he is feeling left out. I see a husband who wants to be a part
of
the daughter's life, but mom is too wrapped up in thinking that she is the
only one that can take care of their daughter. Their daughter is
definitely
old enough to not have to depend on nursing so much and can spend some
time
with someone else and get used to their care. I think it is a good thing.
The fact that the child still nurses so much gives an indication that the
child could use some more outside stimulus and from someone other than
mom.
--

But didn't she say one of their conflicts has been that he hasn't been as
involved as she would like him to be in childcare?

CY wrote:

Normally my posts are OT so I am excited to be posting something on topic
for a change!

MY DH has suddenly decided that he wants to be more involved with the every
day duties of caring for our (21 mth old) DD, to include diaper changing,
putting to sleep and bathing. It has been a bone of contention between us
since her birth and so I am glad that he seems to have finally come to this
decision on his own (whole other rant I could go on, but I need to stay
focused!). Anyway the problem is, she has never been away from me for more
than 4 hours because she wants to nurse, and he would like to start taking
her out to places just the two of them and has even suggested (gasp) that I
go away overnight at some point!

At this late stage, I am not able to pump enough to leave for her (not that
this would make a lot of difference anyway, as it's the comfort of nursing
she craves more than anything, I think) and he is now asking me when I plan
to wean and thinks that 2 is the right time. This is only 3 months away and
I just don't think that she will wean herself by this age as she still
pretty consistently nurses about every 4 hours and for naps/bed at night,
plus she will wake up in the night at least once to nurse. My nursing goals
have always been to let her self wean, but from what I have read here from
SAHM's this could go on for another year or more if she self weans. I am
totally not ready to wean her psychologically, but if I thought *she* was I
would be OK with it. I just don't know if MY unwillingness makes me blind
to it?

So, my question is, what have others done when their husbands want the
nursing relationship to end? Is there anything I can do to promote the
self-weaning? I am thinking that I could leave her for progressively more
and more time with him (and I DO want to encourage this so that he gets more
self confidence that he *can* do things "as well" as mama) and that this
would help her to realize that she doesn't need it as much as she thinks.

I am very pro- bf'ing and am a confirmed lactivist, so the thought of not
having that in my life is heartbreaking to me, but how healthy is that
really???

I know that you can gradually drop a feed, but as those of you with a
toddler know, when they want something it is VERY difficult to distract them
enough so that they'll forget about it and she has NEVER gone to sleep
without nursing and I wouldn't have th faintest idea about how to put her
down for a nap without it. How sad is that!

Anyway, sorry for rambling. TIA for any help.

CY



This sounds more like a communication issue than a weaning issue. Maybe
your husband thinks if you wean the child, he can spend more time with
her. If you say things like "I've never been away from the baby for more
than X hours, so ..." that to me says you may be limiting what your
husband does with your child (although the overnight thing is kind of
weird).

Talk to your husband about what he wants and how the two of you can get
him more involved in your child's life. Have him take the baby to the
park for an hour or so while you have a while to yourself (is this so
bad?). And as others pointed out, if you're not around, she can't
exactly ask to nurse. Also, if you're not around, it'll be easier for
your husband to figure out his own way to soothe the child (which by the
way will not work for you).

Good luck,
Jeanne

CY writes:

....
: At this late stage, I am not able to pump enough to leave for her (not that
: this would make a lot of difference anyway, as it's the comfort of nursing
: she craves more than anything, I think) and he is now asking me when I plan
: to wean and thinks that 2 is the right time. This is only 3 months away and
: I just don't think that she will wean herself by this age as she still
: pretty consistently nurses about every 4 hours and for naps/bed at night,
: plus she will wake up in the night at least once to nurse. My nursing goals
: have always been to let her self wean, but from what I have read here from
: SAHM's this could go on for another year or more if she self weans. I am
: totally not ready to wean her psychologically, but if I thought *she* was I
: would be OK with it. I just don't know if MY unwillingness makes me blind
: to it?

: So, my question is, what have others done when their husbands want the
: nursing relationship to end? Is there anything I can do to promote the
: self-weaning? I am thinking that I could leave her for progressively more
: and more time with him (and I DO want to encourage this so that he gets more
: self confidence that he *can* do things "as well" as mama) and that this
: would help her to realize that she doesn't need it as much as she thinks.

OK. I am a DH. But I am also a breastfeeding zealot and a confirmed
child-led weaning proponent who has a 4 yo who is still nursing. :-)

First, I am glad that you DH wants to spend more quality time whith his
daughhter. This time is precious and will never come again in either of
thier lifetimes! However, I think it is still quite possible to find or
create this quality time without interfering (yes, I said interfering) with
the nursing relationship.

Initially, I would suggest day trips out. Trips to the zoo or the park
at this age can be quite rewarding. I don't know about your daughter, but
at that age, my kids would be content for me to push them on the swing
at the park for 30 or 40 minutes at a time. Once your daugheter is
comfortable with the 2 or 3 hour outing, then your DH can slowly progress
to the half-day or all-day outing. With lunch out away from mommy.

I think that only after he has successfully completed each of the above,
pershaps a couple or times each, should he even consider an all nighter.

JM(NS)HO,
Larry

Dagny wrote:

"Sue" wrote in message
...

Dagny wrote in message

I want to know your husband's motivation. Him wanting you to wean, and

spend time away from DD -- sounds like someone coached by a divorce
attorney in preplanning so he can have a shot at joint custody in a
certain
number of months by showing how involved he is and how non-essential you
are 24/7. I hope this isn't what's going in. I was a divorce lawyer so
color me paranoid.

--Dagny

I think your paranoid. I see a mom who has taken all the baby care away

from

hubby and he is feeling left out. I see a husband who wants to be a part

of

the daughter's life, but mom is too wrapped up in thinking that she is the
only one that can take care of their daughter. Their daughter is

definitely

old enough to not have to depend on nursing so much and can spend some

time

with someone else and get used to their care. I think it is a good thing.
The fact that the child still nurses so much gives an indication that the
child could use some more outside stimulus and from someone other than

mom.

--


But didn't she say one of their conflicts has been that he hasn't been as
involved as she would like him to be in childcare?

yes, and the change seems very sudden. Any sudden change of behaviour
always strikes me as something worthy of investigating.....it could be
as benign as some grandma type at work had a talk with him, or as
unpleasant as the custody scenario.

If he'd simply wanted to start doing more now that the child was less
"breakable" I don't see why the weaning, pushing mom for overnight
trips, etc are necessary at all.....why should mom go overnight?? Do
you WANT to, CY? HAve you ever mentioned it to your DH that he might
think this is a treat for you??

If all he wants is more parenting time, that's easy enough to arrange
without weaning, and I'd be wary of being manipulated and blindsided by
the excitement of him suddenly making hte change.

If I'm cynical, it's not for lack of due cause/experience

Dawn