intro and question attachment parenting

Hi there, my name is Alicia, I'm 29 and just had my first baby two months
ago. He's a wonderful baby, very alert, gorgeous and full of life. His
name is Raine. Anyway, Raine has been crying quite a lot lately, not due to
a growth spurt as he just got over one. I have elected an attachment
parenting lifestyle with him. We co-sleep, I don't give him a pacifier, so
I end up suckling him a lot because he is a very 'sucky' baby. I don't
believe in letting him cry himself out, BUT, a few times lately I have found
myself so exhausted that I can barely keep myself on two feet, nevermind
take care of a baby. I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his
needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him
down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about
it, but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something
to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes,
and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly.
What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I
think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do
you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this
from time to time?

My birth experience was terrible (45 hours of labour with a planned home
birth ending in a c-section), following a very unhappy pregnancy (sick the
whole time, pubis symphisis pain, and so on) so that's why I am still so
tired. I love my baby immensely, we have definitely bonded, but sometimes I
just feel so helpless to comfort him properly. So, any tips on coping would
be great. I don't have anyone I can call on to help me at times like that.
Thanks for your input, Alicia

Alicia wrote:

Hi there, my name is Alicia, I'm 29 and just had my first baby two months
ago. He's a wonderful baby, very alert, gorgeous and full of life. His
name is Raine. Anyway, Raine has been crying quite a lot lately, not due to
a growth spurt as he just got over one. I have elected an attachment
parenting lifestyle with him. We co-sleep, I don't give him a pacifier, so
I end up suckling him a lot because he is a very 'sucky' baby. I don't
believe in letting him cry himself out, BUT, a few times lately I have found
myself so exhausted that I can barely keep myself on two feet, nevermind
take care of a baby. I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his
needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him
down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about
it, but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something
to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes,
and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly.
What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I
think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do
you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this
from time to time?

Absolutely- my daughter now 15 was colicky and cryed herself to sleep
pretty much every time for the first year of her life. I used to use a
kitchen timer and set it for 15 minutes and put her down and then go get
something to eat, jump in the shower, etc. For those who criticize, I
say it's better than throwing her against the wall, which is what would
have happened. As she got older, she would cry furiously for shorter
and shorter periods of time- maybe even 30 seconds and then "clunk" but
she almost always cried when put down and very, very seldom was I able
to nurse her or rock her to sleep. Some babies cry when tired or
overstimulated.

I was not a big attachment parenting fan- I saw too many exhausted
mothers who felt guilty no matter what they did. I breast fed my
children and used a sling- but I got much better sleep with my kids in a
crib with another room.

Be sure you are not doing to much at home and if you have a partner that
he is giving you a break. Even if you are nursing he can give the baby a
bath, take him for a walk. etc. With my second, I expressed milk for one
bottle a week and had my husband give it the first waking after 11:00 pm
on Fridays. Just getting one 6 hours stretch of sleep a week made a big
difference.


Marion Baumgarten

Hello Marion, thank you for your advice. When I say that I am an
'attachment parent' I tend to use the term as a catch all for my belief
system regarding parenting. I don't follow everything to the letter, and I
try my best to do my best for my son. But when I get too exhausted, that's
when I let go of those ideals. I don't feel guilty except when I have to
put him down and let him cry. In my opinion, that is when a baby should be
held is when he is crying. Up until a certain age anyway. Because at this
age, that's all they can do to communicate. However, there is only so much
one can do. I co-sleep with my baby and feel great about it. I sleep very
well, hardly even waking when he wants to be fed. We usually get a good 7-8
hours of sleep a night before he wakes up to be changed and talk to us.
Anyway, I appreciate hearing your experience, thank you for sharing ideas
with me.
Alicia


Absolutely- my daughter now 15 was colicky and cryed herself to sleep
pretty much every time for the first year of her life. I used to use a
kitchen timer and set it for 15 minutes and put her down and then go get
something to eat, jump in the shower, etc. For those who criticize, I
say it's better than throwing her against the wall, which is what would
have happened. As she got older, she would cry furiously for shorter
and shorter periods of time- maybe even 30 seconds and then "clunk" but
she almost always cried when put down and very, very seldom was I able
to nurse her or rock her to sleep. Some babies cry when tired or
overstimulated.

I was not a big attachment parenting fan- I saw too many exhausted
mothers who felt guilty no matter what they did. I breast fed my
children and used a sling- but I got much better sleep with my kids in a
crib with another room.

Be sure you are not doing to much at home and if you have a partner that
he is giving you a break. Even if you are nursing he can give the baby a
bath, take him for a walk. etc. With my second, I expressed milk for one
bottle a week and had my husband give it the first waking after 11:00 pm
on Fridays. Just getting one 6 hours stretch of sleep a week made a big
difference.


Marion Baumgarten

In article 6ZXhb.71133$pl3.4700@pd7tw3no,
Alicia wrote:

I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his
needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him
down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about
it, but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something
to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes,
and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly.
What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I
think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do
you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this
from time to time?

I think you may be overestimating the value of "attachment parenting" as
the one true and correct way to parent. I understand that you prefer this
philosophy, and that's great, to the extent that you can keep it up and
stay sane!

However, lots of parents who haven't chosen attachment parenting also
end up with children who develop a trusting relationship with them as
well. I have 3 boys, ages 2, 7 and 10yo, and they all have a very
close relationship with me despite sleeping in their own cribs (after
a bassinet or similar by my bed for *my* convenience in the early months)
and occasionally being allowed to cry, and even being (gasp!) Ferberized
(though I now believe there are gentler methods to achieve the same end).

It sounds to me like you are looking for affirmation that you can put your
baby down to cry when you're desperate, and still be a "good attachment
parent".

What I want to tell you instead is that you need not put a label on
your parenting choices, nor worry about living up to someone else's
standard of "attached enough". You need to do what feels right to you
while meeting your own needs as well. It sounds like the solution
you've come to for now is to adopt a basically attachment style of
parenting, but needing to take some space occasionally. I think that's
fine and I think your child will be fine. You may feel better if you
learn to nurse in the sling and manage to get yourself something to
eat, etc. while nursing. It's a learned skill, but worth working on.
Older babies are generally easier to nurse while doing other things, so
keep trying.

No one *wants* to put their baby down and let them cry. Yet most parents
end up doing it occasionally if they don't have someone else they can hand
the baby off to when they have had it. It doesn't make you a bad parent.
Whether or not it makes you a bad "attachment parent" I have no opinion
nor standing to judge.

Good luck, and enjoy your baby, and do be sure to take the time to heal from
your own difficult birth as well. You don't do your child any favors by
short-changing your own health!


--Robyn (mommy to Ryan 9/93 and Matthew 6/96 and Evan 3/01)

Hi Robyn, thank you for your opinions. I agree that I don't need any labels
about my parenting style, I just wanted to communicate to people my
philosophical choices regarding parenting. I was hoping to hear from others
who shared this viewpoint about ways that they got around being exhausted
while still upholding the general concept. I am very pleased to have so
many responses to my query, I have learned a fair bit from what you and
others have said. I will try a sling again and see how that works. I find
that my back gets really sore while using the sling or anything else to
carry this baby. I'm certain that there are some muscles in my sides have
been affected by my section, since I used to lie down for most of the day
for many weeks. Anyway, we'll see what happens as I get a bit stronger.
For now, Raine loves the Snugli and I can carry him everywhere in it.
Thanks again, Alicia


I think you may be overestimating the value of "attachment parenting" as
the one true and correct way to parent. I understand that you prefer this
philosophy, and that's great, to the extent that you can keep it up and
stay sane!

However, lots of parents who haven't chosen attachment parenting also
end up with children who develop a trusting relationship with them as
well. I have 3 boys, ages 2, 7 and 10yo, and they all have a very
close relationship with me despite sleeping in their own cribs (after
a bassinet or similar by my bed for *my* convenience in the early months)
and occasionally being allowed to cry, and even being (gasp!) Ferberized
(though I now believe there are gentler methods to achieve the same end).

It sounds to me like you are looking for affirmation that you can put your
baby down to cry when you're desperate, and still be a "good attachment
parent".

What I want to tell you instead is that you need not put a label on
your parenting choices, nor worry about living up to someone else's
standard of "attached enough". You need to do what feels right to you
while meeting your own needs as well. It sounds like the solution
you've come to for now is to adopt a basically attachment style of
parenting, but needing to take some space occasionally. I think that's
fine and I think your child will be fine. You may feel better if you
learn to nurse in the sling and manage to get yourself something to
eat, etc. while nursing. It's a learned skill, but worth working on.
Older babies are generally easier to nurse while doing other things, so
keep trying.

No one *wants* to put their baby down and let them cry. Yet most parents
end up doing it occasionally if they don't have someone else they can hand
the baby off to when they have had it. It doesn't make you a bad parent.
Whether or not it makes you a bad "attachment parent" I have no opinion
nor standing to judge.

Good luck, and enjoy your baby, and do be sure to take the time to heal
from
your own difficult birth as well. You don't do your child any favors by
short-changing your own health!


--Robyn (mommy to Ryan 9/93 and Matthew 6/96 and Evan 3/01)

Alicia wrote in message news:6ZXhb.71133$pl3.4700@pd7tw3no...
Hi there, my name is Alicia, I'm 29 and just had my first baby two months
ago. He's a wonderful baby, very alert, gorgeous and full of life. His
name is Raine. Anyway, Raine has been crying quite a lot lately, not due to
a growth spurt as he just got over one. I have elected an attachment
parenting lifestyle with him.

But beyond any philosophy or label, what you really want is what is
best for him, right?

That being the case, you need to be sure to take time for your needs,
like eating and going to the bathroom. It's like what they tell you
on the airplanes--put the oxygen on yourself first, then on baby.
Because if your try to put it on the baby first, you might pass out,
and then the baby is doomed.

We co-sleep, I don't give him a pacifier, so
I end up suckling him a lot because he is a very 'sucky' baby. I don't
believe in letting him cry himself out, BUT, a few times lately I have found
myself so exhausted that I can barely keep myself on two feet, nevermind
take care of a baby. I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his
needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him
down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about
it,

So the real problem is your feelings, and not how the baby is being
affected.

but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something
to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes,
and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly.

I did this routinely, although I generally did it for just five
minutes, and found I had to set a timer, and didn't believe how slow
the time was going.

For babies that are over-stimulated, this really is a necessary thing,
and they can learn to calm themselves.

Think of this as practice for telling him that he can't go to (fill in
the blanks) an R-rated movie, or a semester abroad in France or the
mall alone. Throughout his childhood and adolescence, you are going
to be the one to set limits. He will scream.

What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I
think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do
you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this
from time to time?

Raising kids is like raising a garden, you can ignore some aspects, or
make mistakes, and still end up with a great harvest. An entire
generation of American kids was raised without ever being breastfed,
and yet many of them turned out well, with close relationships to mom
and dad.

In this case, you are doing so much right, give yourself credit and be
confident in your relationship with your child, who sounds like a very
fortunate baby.

Colleen Kay Porter, mother of five, our youungest is 10 and the oldest
is your age

Hello Colleen, thank you for your kind words and giving me a different
perspective. I particularly like your analogy of the garden. I guess I am
focussing too much on the details instead of the general picture. I try to
do the best I can, but sometimes my expectations are too high, especially
considering how my pregnancy and birth were. Thank you also for your
confidence, I think Raine is lucky too, because there are so many kids out
there that don't get the kind of love they need so desperately. I want to
give mine the best kind of understanding and love possible. Key word,
"possible". : ) Thanks again Colleen,
-Alicia


But beyond any philosophy or label, what you really want is what is
best for him, right?

That being the case, you need to be sure to take time for your needs,
like eating and going to the bathroom. It's like what they tell you
on the airplanes--put the oxygen on yourself first, then on baby.
Because if your try to put it on the baby first, you might pass out,
and then the baby is doomed.


So the real problem is your feelings, and not how the baby is being
affected.

I did this routinely, although I generally did it for just five
minutes, and found I had to set a timer, and didn't believe how slow
the time was going.

For babies that are over-stimulated, this really is a necessary thing,
and they can learn to calm themselves.

Think of this as practice for telling him that he can't go to (fill in
the blanks) an R-rated movie, or a semester abroad in France or the
mall alone. Throughout his childhood and adolescence, you are going
to be the one to set limits. He will scream.

Raising kids is like raising a garden, you can ignore some aspects, or
make mistakes, and still end up with a great harvest. An entire
generation of American kids was raised without ever being breastfed,
and yet many of them turned out well, with close relationships to mom
and dad.

In this case, you are doing so much right, give yourself credit and be
confident in your relationship with your child, who sounds like a very
fortunate baby.

Colleen Kay Porter, mother of five, our youungest is 10 and the oldest
is your age

Hi Alicia,

first of all, a big cyber hug ((((Alicia)))) to you ! The first two- three
months with a new baby, especially after a difficult pregnancy/birth can be
soooo difficult!

Give yourself a big pat on the back for starters! You are doing so many
things right! You are nursing your baby (even though many mothers use a
cesarean birth as a reason not to), you allow him the closeness of sleeping
with you and being held a lot. You are asking for help when you need it and
are thinking about the best way to parent -- which is more than can be said
for many parents.

Now for the "problem" and ways to address it: first off, I'd say, try to
find an AP- oriented support group in your area, or, if none is available,
online, or try and start one.
Second, you didn't say if you sleep well at night -- can you sleep while
the baby is nursing yet? Try and learn to do it - for me, that was the
number one benefit of co-sleeping. Also, when the baby naps during the day
is NOT a time for you to do household chores! It _is_ a time for you to
NAP!!! Your household can fall to pieces without it causing great harm for
your baby, _you_ can not!
As for your question: is it ok to put a baby down for short periods even if
it is crying: absolutely! And yes, given all the other loving attention you
give him, he will "still develop a trusting relationship" with you. Do give
the sling another chance, though -- that is how I got my household at least
somewhat done, even with taking naps during the day. Also, pretty soon your
baby will be too heavy for you to hold him in your arms for long periods of
time, whereas with the sling it is not as much of a problem.


Hope this helps
Monika

In article LOGib.553748$Oz4.502084@rwcrnsc54, Monika McMahan wrote:
Do give
the sling another chance, though -- that is how I got my household at least
somewhat done, even with taking naps during the day. Also, pretty soon your
baby will be too heavy for you to hold him in your arms for long periods of
time, whereas with the sling it is not as much of a problem.

A sling can be great, but if the baby is a champion nurser, he or she
may get too heavy for the sling in just a few months. Ours, who spent
over 40 hours a week nursing, hit 95% on the weight charts at 6
months. We had to swtich from front packs and slings to back packs
much earlier than most, and even the backpack got too heavy. He was a
somewhat late walker also, so he was too heavy for the backpack before
he was walking---we needed to use the jogging stroller a lot when we
went anywhere.

Sleep whenever you can---it is FAR more important than most people
realize, definitely more important than housework. If you have a
partner, have him or her carry the baby while you nap.

--
Kevin Karplus http://www.soe.ucsc.edu/~karplus
life member (LAB, Adventure Cycling, American Youth Hostels)
Effective Cycling Instructor #218-ck (lapsed)
Professor of Computer Engineering, University of California, Santa Cruz
Undergraduate and Graduate Director, Bioinformatics
Affiliations for identification only.

In article ,
Kevin Karplus wrote:

A sling can be great, but if the baby is a champion nurser, he or she
may get too heavy for the sling in just a few months. Ours, who spent
over 40 hours a week nursing, hit 95% on the weight charts at 6
months. We had to swtich from front packs and slings to back packs
much earlier than most, and even the backpack got too heavy. He was a
somewhat late walker also, so he was too heavy for the backpack before
he was walking---we needed to use the jogging stroller a lot when we
went anywhere.

Even with a heavy baby, a sling can be great for nursing, if you can
get the knack. If you want to hold the baby and move around with
nursing, the sling helps support you in doing that. I'm not
recommending slinging around a 25-pound baby on hikes, but if you can
sling him for a short time while nursing, you can avoid being tied to
your seat all the time (not that that's always a bad thing). A sling
is also good for a heavier child in a shorter-term carrying situation.
My kids are lightweights, but my youngest is 2.5 and probably outweighs
most 6mo's anyhow ;-) and while I wouldn't want to carry him in a sling
for long periods, for short periods where I'd otherwise be carrying him
using only my arm and hip, a sling in an upright position helps out a
little. For hikes, we use a good Kelty backpack carrier (though he'd
usually rather walk, if we have the time).

--Robyn