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2.5 yo and dying grandma
We have a 2.5 year old here who is relatively attached to his
grandma. Unfortunately it appears that she has a terminal disease. I do not want to be going into specifics but it is cancer. I do not know how to manage this issue in order to not traumatize the child. What would moving her in entail. I am kind of of the opinion that we have to do what we have to do for our parents period, but how would you manage this and a small impressionable child. Any thoughts or pointers to suggestions will be appreciated. |
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2.5 yo and dying grandma
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#3
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2.5 yo and dying grandma
Geoffrey Woods wrote:
We have a 2.5 year old here who is relatively attached to his grandma. Unfortunately it appears that she has a terminal disease. I do not want to be going into specifics but it is cancer. I do not know how to manage this issue in order to not traumatize the child. What would moving her in entail. I am kind of of the opinion that we have to do what we have to do for our parents period, but how would you manage this and a small impressionable child. Any thoughts or pointers to suggestions will be appreciated. My middle child was, hmmm...three years old or so when my grandmother died, and he was very close to her as well. We lived within walking distance of each other and I was providing a lot of caretaking for her (she was living with my parents). She was ill for a long time and died at home while under hospice care. It's not easy, and it takes some explaining, but you would be very surprised how well small children deal with it. You do have to explain that she is very sick and her body is wearing out and that she probably does not have very long to live. The doctors will do their best to help her feel better, but they can't fix her. There are lots of sicknesses, and for most of them you get better, but this is one of the kinds of sicknesses that probably won't get better. Add in whatever religious or spiritual beliefs you have about death and dying and the afterlife. Let him be with his Grandma-- he'll likely be very patient and kind with her. Obviously, protect him from the really difficult bits, like scary medical procedures and whatnot. Personally, I probably wouldn't have them at the deathbed either. For mine (three and five at the time), they were frequently with my grandmother until the very last few days. The last time they saw her was when we had our minister over to sit with her and share Communion. After that, she went downhill rapidly and her breathing was very labored and she was on enough morphine that she was unconscious much of the time. I think that would have been very scary for them. As it stands, their last memory of her was very peaceful and not at all scary. You also have to talk about emotions and how it makes you very sad and it's okay to be sad. Also talk about the good times and how you'll always have memories of the good times. Take lots of pictures and have lots of special times. Line up some support for yourself (get hospice involved if they're not already). Have friends or other family on standby so that if you need someone to watch you son on short notice, you can get it. You'll need that sometimes for emergencies (e.g., Grandma has an emergency and needs to go to the hospital or something) or maybe just because you're having a really rough day and need a break (end of life caretaking is brutally difficult, though it is the most loving thing you can do). I'm sorry for your situation--this must be very difficult for you. Don't worry about what this will do to your son. He'll see lots of love and compassion, and that's a good thing even if it comes in a difficult situation. Best wishes, Ericka |
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2.5 yo and dying grandma
Geoffrey Woods wrote:
We have a 2.5 year old here who is relatively attached to his grandma. Unfortunately it appears that she has a terminal disease. I do not want to be going into specifics but it is cancer. I do not know how to manage this issue in order to not traumatize the child. What would moving her in entail. I am kind of of the opinion that we have to do what we have to do for our parents period, but how would you manage this and a small impressionable child. Any thoughts or pointers to suggestions will be appreciated. I think a little kid like this can handle a grandmother moving in. It certainly seems like it would fit the child's needs better than constantly either hauling the kid over to visit Grandma or leaving the child behind while you go. I also think it doesn't matter whether it's the best thing for the child or not: the child is part of the family and sometimes other people's needs come first. It's part of being in a family. People adapt quite well to it, even learn some important lessons. And in the end, death might make more sense if the child can see it coming rather than just getting it announced fait accompli. One of my profound early memories was my grandfather gathering me and a cousin to his bedside when I was six and telling us, "Kids, never smoke. It just isn't worth it." He died at the age of 50 of lung cancer. (None of his grandchildren smoke.) Wendy |
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2.5 yo and dying grandma
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2.5 yo and dying grandma
My wife and I moved into my wife's grandmother's home last year to care for
her at the age of 92 after she had fallen and broken her hip. Our daughter was 2 at the time. Granny died last November, 6 months after we had moved in. The time was precious, and we have many great memories and photos of the two of them together; when she died our daughter handled it remarkably well, once in awhile she makes mention of Granny watching us from heaven. It was the right thing to do for us, no regrets. Dave "Geoffrey Woods" wrote in message ... We have a 2.5 year old here who is relatively attached to his grandma. Unfortunately it appears that she has a terminal disease. I do not want to be going into specifics but it is cancer. I do not know how to manage this issue in order to not traumatize the child. What would moving her in entail. I am kind of of the opinion that we have to do what we have to do for our parents period, but how would you manage this and a small impressionable child. Any thoughts or pointers to suggestions will be appreciated. |
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2.5 yo and dying grandma
"Geoffrey Woods" wrote in message ... We have a 2.5 year old here who is relatively attached to his grandma. Unfortunately it appears that she has a terminal disease. I do not want to be going into specifics but it is cancer. I do not know how to manage this issue in order to not traumatize the child. What would moving her in entail. I am kind of of the opinion that we have to do what we have to do for our parents period, but how would you manage this and a small impressionable child. Any thoughts or pointers to suggestions will be appreciated. I believe in dealing with children in an honest way but using language that they will understand. Children are incredibly resilent, so much so that we don't give them enough credit sometimes. As your child is only 2 1/2 I don't envisage many problems for you. Perhaps that you could say that grandma is going to become a star in the sky at night, that will always be looking down on your child. It is a difficult situation for you but we sometimes put "grown up thoughts and feelings" onto our children. We expect them to be feeling the same way as ourselves, but children operate on a completely different wave length. My two daughters (8 and 11) have recently lost their father to a Glioblastoma, and other than a few tears on the day that he died, they have carried on with their lives almost as if nothing has happened. They still talk about him and his quirky little ways but they certainly don't appear to be upset. I even had a child psycologist sit with them because I was so concerned that they weren't "reacting", but they were, just in their own way. I wish you well and give you my warmest hugs. Alayne |
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2.5 yo and dying grandma
Alayne wrote:
My two daughters (8 and 11) have recently lost their father to a Glioblastoma, and other than a few tears on the day that he died, they have carried on with their lives almost as if nothing has happened. They still talk about him and his quirky little ways but they certainly don't appear to be upset. I even had a child psycologist sit with them because I was so concerned that they weren't "reacting", but they were, just in their own way. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss! You touched on a point in your post that I forgot to make: part of the baggage we bring to a death is the knowledge of how long it is going to hurt us. We know about the sharp little stabs of pain you get when you find yourself thinking, "Oh, I'll have to call _____ and tell her that!" and the you remember with fresh grief that you can't ever call her again. A child just doesn't see that coming. They don't know how the continuing loss will shadow them forever: your daughters might not need counselling today, but when Christmas rolls around and no one hung the lights or set up the train the way Daddy always did they might feel grief unexpectedly... or some equally inoccuous thing will happen and they'll suddenly realized how thoroughly gypped they've been by fate. You have my sympathies navigating through this terrain. (I've been there before, obviously.) Wendy |
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