Terrible 5's?

"Denise"

Egads! Time outs are destructive behavior? We're talking about a child
who
has been spanked, maybe 2 times in her life, and who's time outs consist
of
4 minutes on her bed with her hands folded on her lap.

they can be destructive, or they can be constructive. i try to use them as
little as possible, & don't put qualifiers on it (i.e. she wouldn't have to
sit, nor hold her hands in her lap). they are used in slightly different
ways by different people. i use them 1: to break a nexus of rage that has
cropped up by seperating the child from the situation 2: to help the child
calm down (they both find/found that going into their bed for a few minutes
is actually calming, whether they'd have chosen to go there or not - and my
little one often actually goes to sleep before i get there, which solves the
situation completely when tiredness is the root of the problem 3: to create
an opportunity to talk about the problem in a seperate location once
everyone is calm again. (i find the length of time-out before i get there
mainly involves how long it takes ME to calm down - it's not a perfect
process :-)

we say, "go to your room and i'll be there in a few minutes to talk". there
*is* an element of punishment i suppose, in that the time-out is an obvious
consequence of some untenable situation that has developed. but, we always
have a talk & always make up quickly once things have got to that point. my
little one in particular finds them helpful because it gives him the time &
space to calm down & think beyond his own rage. (whereas my older one, just
lately, tends to stew in his own juice before i get there, so i'm not sure
how much longer they will actually be of any benefit to him. he has taken to
going to bed himself when he's feeling angry & awful, which i suppose is a
natural development, & i've found that if he goes to bed in a rage he
actually needs *longer* by himself to become calm again, so his
self-inflicted time-outs are naturally longer).

in other words, there are cues your child can give you about time-outs, so
they can actually be helpful for everyone, not punishment for the child.

I could understand
if I was beating her every time she did something I didn't approve of, but
that's hardly the case. I'm hoping the sneakiness is just a phase, its
hardly something I have caused by "breaking her spirit."

i think in general, kids need to be free to communicate what is going on, &
to have parents who are willing to listen & change & to find things they can
say "yes" to. i feel it is good when kids can participate in deciding what
they are allowed to do, so it becomes a negotiation process between the
parties, not a law brought down from above, as it were. they won't rebel if
there is nothing to rebel against, & everyone can feel freer to be
reasonable rather than defiant.
hth
kylie
--
www.rdj.com.au