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'B's fury as his cousin brings 2 playmates to stay'



 
 
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  #11  
Old July 19th 06, 01:24 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents
miri
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 42
Default 'B's fury as his cousin brings 2 playmates to stay'


'Kate wrote:
On 18 Jul 2006 15:16:08 -0700, "miri" the
following was posted in blue dry erase marker:

can I drivel on a bit more?

What irritates me most is that I've entertained his friends
I've never been impolite with them, when he was here I offered
to cook and clean if he wanted throw parties, if he wanted me
out when at the weekend when the match was on. Ok I get
the picture its my abode, my residence, he moved in from his
creamy little pad but probably never felt at home, but why spend
more and more time at the home of his best mate and his wife?
Hell ! its about time I remembered that I'm not an effing charity! -
the odd knobs I've taken under my wing and fed and cared about
(male and female, one of my mottos is always be kind to people,
one of my friends put it another way "always be kind to people
when you're on your way up.....you never know who you
might meet when you find yourself going down!")

What irritates me most, is that he gossips about my
neighbours to me. He doesn't even live in the area, but he's
there telling me about what they've been up to. Pub culture!

He's the mistake........ 'so and so and his commonlaw have split
after 15 years. Everything was fine - suddenly she goes on the
internet and ends up arm in arm with a strange shifty looking guy,
parading him around, What a heartless bitch! So and so has
worked his nads off for those kids! Miri don't you agree that's
dreadful?'

What I saw....commonlaw running the house while her brother
ferries the kids to school and back, in fact its very rare I actually
saw So and so with his kids, even though he has been a provider
par-excellence. One of the wonderful things he provided was a
holiday residence.....which he invited me to stay at, without his
commonlaw or the kiddies for a weekend (nudge,nudge, wink,
wink say no more love) gasp in amusement NO! NEVER!

They're both very nice people, and the kids are brilliant. I have
nothing more to say on the matter because I have no contact
with either them or the children. I just couldn't tell anyone about
his invitation, nor will I ever. He was just ****ed.

I live here damn it! I wasn't ever invited to their parties, but B
was, then he tells me later! what have I ever done wrong to that
guy? Huh!

signed

miserable


People who make you feel bad time after time are not worth keeping in
your life. I'm going to quote someone that I never thought I would
quote, Laura Bush, who said, " Every human being deserves to be treated
with dignity and respect, and every human being deserves to feel the
nurturing power of love."

Unfortunately, you have to put up with him... but you don't have to put
up with being treated disrespectfully or without consideration. When
your ex says something negative or hurtful, ask him, "What do you mean
by that?" or "Why are you telling me this?"

There's a two fold reason for asking: He may just be an insensitive lout
who is unable to take responsibility for his actions (or inactions) or
you may be perceiving what he says as hurtful because you're on your
guard.

Be open to figuring out what is really happening in the moment. When you
feel it, identify what the cause was. If they're your issues, then
great... at least you can work on that on your own. If they're his, then
you can limit your conversations with him to the weather and the kids.

Do you think this will work for you?


You have been so kind for my poor hurt feelings, you're a love.
I could blub for an hour. Ahh I just had to vent, I had to, I felt like
I was being used. Its just life nothing less.

Theres gonna to have to be certain rules laid down here, it wasn't
in my book to hurt anyone elses feelings, they should give me the
same passing thought.

The good news is my diet is going well, and I have a date at the
weekend someone to dress for, something different to see, another
adult to chat to face to face someone elses mind to explore and dreams
we might share. Maybe

luv

Miri

  #12  
Old July 19th 06, 12:23 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
miri
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 42
Default 'B's fury as his cousin brings 2 playmates to stay'


'Kate wrote:
On 18 Jul 2006 12:26:01 -0700, "miri" the
following was posted in blue dry erase marker:


'Kate wrote:

Of course you worry about their care. But... you can't protect them 24/7
or shelter them from the hurts of the world. They have to learn how to
comfort themselves, avoid trouble, and avoid harm all on their own. I'm
not suggesting not to protect them. I'm simply saying that no matter how
hard we try to avoid them, bad things happen. They happen even if you do
everything right. It's better to teach kids how to take care of their
own needs, physical, emotional, educational, mental... than to raise
whusses, tarts, and others who lack the ability to care for themselves
and wind up turning to drugs/drinking to soothe their hurts.


This is true, but how far is reasonable? I'm strict about drink and
drugs
anywhere near the children, but if they don't have some exposure to
people who drink then theres a risk that it will become a novelty to
them when they're older - (maybe taking them into the city on sunday
morning to see the amounts of naked vomit there is doorways may
be a deterrant? thinks? - better in hot weather....more flies about

A good party atmosphere is a must, but its what it could degenerate
into that freaks me.


There's no sure thing with pre-teens, teens, and the choices that they
make. They will not always make the right choice. It won't be because no
one ever told them if you tell them. Scare tactics don't work. They make
kids think they're invincible because whatever you scared them with
doesn't happen the first time... except on the rare occasion.

I sometimes see kids who started doing drugs at age 8 or 9.


I don't know how you manage. I have enough taking care of myself and my
family... but to be concerned about ex's, ex's cousins, and strange
girlfriends.


I'm fond of them, but I don't get out to socialize very often. If my
friendship wasn't so reasonable - I'd be feeling like a caged rat.
Whatever, its always nice to know that someone important in my
life is doing OK. - even if they don't give a s**t about me. Geeze
I'd have been out and it would have all been forgotten if we'd never
met - I wanted a fresh start and adore the results even tho I also
have to tolerate16 years of him with it. I might not like it, but its
the
way things have to be, and he is a good man. I had a laugh at the
Simpsons, one of Marges sisters was complaining about Homer
"Gee Marge, once you've planted the seeds you throw away the
packet don't you!"


Ok, I could be wrong but here's the standard lecture anyway. You are not
something thrown away. You deserve more than you're getting from your
friendships. It's like... you got angry and didn't know what to do with
it because you couldn't be angry and be liked (or nice) so you shut
down... every once in awhile, you take the hurt and anger out and it
reinforces what other people do to you. I don't know you and how you are
from day to day but I know hurt and pain when I read it. Somewhere in
there, the truth, reality, what is happening today is lost. You are
allowed to tell people what you really do think. That's being respectful
of others. The people you love deserve the chance to take it. They may
even improve how they treat you and learn to value you more. Who knows
where that would eventually lead.


I can imagine you are weary! Ok, I know... 6 hours later than here.
Seriously, though, does worry control you sometimes?


nothing that a good nights rest won't put right, sometimes I give
myself time to go through some photos, old music, old favorite things
that remind me of who I am...NOT the stuff that makes me nostalgic
but stuff like addresses and phone numbers, to help remind me that
there are other people out there.


Ah. So ok.... Try this on for a bit. Imagine working hard to make
everything right for everyone else to the point of having put your needs
aside.... something women often do when they dive into motherhood. Then
your support system deserts you. You're hurt but life goes on... so you
double your efforts to make things right and you succeed - somewhat.
You've still left your needs behind out of necessity... no one could do
both and what the heck, you're good at doing without the emotional
things - someone who cares, someone you can confide in totally, someone
who sees you as you are and is totally accepting. Imagine if that person
wants nothing from you but who you are. Not sex. Not to have children.
Not to clean. Not to provide income... just you. Maybe that idea makes
you so sad that you can't look at it right now... it's not possible to
even touch it without feeling pain. That would be a crisis. It's too
lonely to go through life without being known. And if that's true, then
you're on the edge of a wonderful time of life. You get to look through
what was, figure out what still is, and become what you were meant to
become. That's the only way to survive. It's the only way to live - to
give yourself permission to be who you are - a person with needs, a
person who needs other people, someone who isn't perfect and cannot do
it all, someone who makes mistakes and you know what... doesn't mind one
bit because mistakes don't define who you are anymore than the outside
defines what's inside of a person. You have so much going for you!
You're articulate. You think deeply about issues. You care about others.
You love your child with all your heart. You work hard. You have a keen
sense of right and wrong. And all of that is wonderful.


And you know, angry is ok. It's best to address it with the person that
you're angry at and get it all out so that it doesn't become bigger than
life itself.

I think your ex needs some practice saying no. He absolutely has a ton
of self control.... maybe too much. I wonder what he gets out of being
so self-sacrificing that he'd risk his daughter's safety.


I wonder somehow, does he try to make my loneliness worse? what
benefit to him to tell me about the party invites he's had, so and so's
wedding, who shagged who?


Yeah... why is that? If you don't want to hear about the parties and the
wedding and the shagging, then tell him you don't want to hear about it.
Let him deal with it. He's a grown up. And if not, then that's his
problem, not yours.

Long lecture... sorry 'bout that.


Yeh its my fault too, I'm in the mommy daddy mindset....but he is
equally to blame, there again thats right because the kids know
who their parents are & we're not fighting. Guys love the idea that
mom's still close, the nursery's clean and she will always be there
to forgive, listen and virtuously await to serve the next meal.

In actuality I think it goes more like this, your parents never had
sex,
sex was dirty. The day comes when you have a baby, he wants to
make sure that you're not exposed to anything that might put the
baby at risk of filth, he could be mistaken for wanting his mom
back, (what a depressing scenario) & women are often tucked tidily
away with their children, freaking out being told how dreadful people
are behaving, when they damned well understand if he cast his mind
back a little, both of you actually made little poopypants upon using
similar formulas.

The porn industry has a lot to offer the lonely guy, but the stuff
they're exposed to and the manner in which its presented turns
natural human experience into filth. I think if it widens the gap any
further between womanhood and fertility, moms will be 'baby
making machines' with no self-respect regards their own
sexuality. My family were fairly broad minded, with no readers
but his attitude considering he reads that stuff (equivalent most
men) is so strange, he's the very first person to complain about it!
Talk about dual standards! Anyway, that'll maybe make another
thread.

The thing is Kate, if my best friend came round for a chat and
a cup of tea to gossip I'd turn a deaf ear to most of it, because
she wouldn't be my best friend. My best friend would be asking
me what time I could arrange a babysitter so we could both go
out and party. She might have thought about asking if she could
bring a friend along to a wedding between people we both knew,
or ask me if I'd like to send them a congratulations card and gift.
He's a F****** B******, an theres no way out. I'm not his mother
superior, or our blessed virgin or some kinda confessor. It is
impossible for me to live according to B's template of his perfect
woman. Could anyone here do it? He's a man and I'm a woman,
it works while the children are young, but heck I've got to.....
get out of the house more often.

Phew! Time I thought of something else, I'll mow the lawn and
relax in the heat, scrub out the pool and turn a sprinkler on the
kids before they dry out,

Best,

Miri

  #13  
Old July 21st 06, 01:08 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
miri
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 42
Default 'B's fury as his cousin brings 2 playmates to stay'

'Kate wrote:
On 19 Jul 2006 04:23:52 -0700, "miri" the
following was posted in blue dry erase marker:


Yeh its my fault too, I'm in the mommy daddy mindset....but he is
equally to blame, there again thats right because the kids know
who their parents are & we're not fighting.


A very good thing.


Guys love the idea that
mom's still close, the nursery's clean and she will always be there
to forgive, listen and virtuously await to serve the next meal.


I felt that way when I married too.


I was fairly happy when he suggested I give up work and stay
home. I think its important that children have mom there
for them until they begin school. In reality I think both dads
had to confront a bit of stereotyping, they enjoyed the
freedom we shared without children, and they've objected to
women working because it took the work off a man somewhere.
Women could wear either the pants or the pearls, and I think
some guys get envious of that choice women seemed to have.
I'm fairly happy with the idea that dad can stay home and do
the parenting bit, while I go out and work, but most men
think that it'll turn them into some kind of transvestite,
and I've never ever seen a fella nest and get broody, they
just don't have those hormones.

I look at billboard advertising differently these days.
Whenever I see an advert for an executive motor, I wonder
when someone will grafitti 'and its also so expensive to run
that his wife with their three kids have to use public
transport'. There are never enough toilet cubicles, there
are too many steps to hoist a pushchair up, its nearly
impossible to get a pushchair and a toddler and your
shopping on the buses. 4 out of 5 guys won't stand up to
offer a woman a seat if she's pregnant. People disapprove
of breast feeding in public places (even if you're discreet)
Men don't like your stretch marks or mommy fat so you have
to cover yourself up. The gap between the platform at the
train station and the carriage step is so wide you can trap
the wheels of a pushchair (I've complained about that one),
some restaurants won't cater for children, theres very few
places when parents and children can all meet up together
to socialize without alcohol becoming a concern. For
instance it would be nice to have family type gatherings
with a party atmosphere that children can join in with
without adults making themselves sick.

The thing is Kate, if my best friend came round for a chat and
a cup of tea to gossip I'd turn a deaf ear to most of it, because
she wouldn't be my best friend. My best friend would be asking
me what time I could arrange a babysitter so we could both go
out and party. She might have thought about asking if she could
bring a friend along to a wedding between people we both knew,
or ask me if I'd like to send them a congratulations card and gift.
He's a F****** B******, an theres no way out. I'm not his mother
superior, or our blessed virgin or some kinda confessor. It is
impossible for me to live according to B's template of his perfect
woman. Could anyone here do it? He's a man and I'm a woman,
it works while the children are young, but heck I've got to.....
get out of the house more often.


:-) yep. It's past time. And of course you can't live by his ideal
image of mother/woman and I don't think he really wants you to
either.


Yeh, of course, he'd prefer to have the ol' flirt back.

Phew! Time I thought of something else, I'll mow the lawn and
relax in the heat, scrub out the pool and turn a sprinkler on the
kids before they dry out,

Best,

Miri


We've been doing wedding stuff (daughter dearest and I) the last couple
of days. There are a lot of little chores... I'm back to work next week
though so I feel like if she needs me to do things, this is the time for
it. She'll be over in a couple of hours with my car. Hers is in the shop
so she took mine overnight. I'm ready for summer to be over... it's been
so darn hot - mid 90's.


I'd delighted for you! and I hope the weather stays nice. I'm
all ears! will you post a photo on the web?

Best Wishes,

Miri

 




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