But that's a girl's toy!

My daughter (4yo) is driving me bananas with her insistence that her
brothers may NOT play with her dolls/Barbies because they are not girls. If
she sees Vernon, in particular, pick up one of her dolls, she practically
leaps on him to get it away from him. I have tried repeatedly to explain to
her that dolls are not JUST for girls--girls seem to enjoy playing with them
more often than boys do, but that doesn't mean boys can NEVER play with
them. Help?
--
Be well, Barbara
(Julian [6], Aurora [4], and Vernon's [a quarter to 2] mom)

This week's special at the English Language Butcher Shop:
"Be prepare to stop" -- CalTrans sign

Daddy: You're up with the chickens this morning.
Aurora: No, I'm up with my dolls!

All opinions expressed in this post are well-reasoned and insightful.
Needless to say, they are not those of my Internet Service Provider, its
other subscribers or lackeys. Anyone who says otherwise is itchin' for a
fight. -- with apologies to Michael Feldman

Hi -

My advice would just be to remind her that we share our toys. If you
can't share (no matter WHAT the reason) then the toy gets put away where
NO ONE can play with it.

If she gets upset by the idea of her brother playing with a girl toy
rather than just with HER toy (ie, some friend at playgroup make her
actually think this is important) then just tell her that it's a silly
story, but not real, about boy toys and girl toys. Read her a silly
story and make the analogy again: it's silly, just like the idea of
"girl toys" is silly.

Good luck!
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.

Circe wrote in message
news:Tmozb.56435$kl6.20305@fed1read03...
My daughter (4yo) is driving me bananas with her insistence that her
brothers may NOT play with her dolls/Barbies because they are not girls.
If
she sees Vernon, in particular, pick up one of her dolls, she practically
leaps on him to get it away from him. I have tried repeatedly to explain
to
her that dolls are not JUST for girls--girls seem to enjoy playing with
them
more often than boys do, but that doesn't mean boys can NEVER play with
them. Help?
--
I'm amazed how quickly children pick up steriotypes. Dd#1 commented that
dd#2 can wear pink "because she's a girl"-and she's 3. At 2.25 she asked the
male half of twins why he wasn't wearing a dress like his sister, so I guess
somewhere between the two ages she's picked it up.
However, to me I'd suspect (not knowing your daughter) that it's probably at
least partially an excuse for not sharing.
Debbie

"Welches" wrote in message
...
However, to me I'd suspect (not knowing your daughter) that it's probably
at
least partially an excuse for not sharing.

Oddly enough, I really don't think the sharing part is the problem--or, at
least, it's only a very small part of the problem. The reason I say this is
because she likes for me to play Barbies with her, but sometimes I can't and
Julian will offer to play with her in my stead. She ALWAYS objects that he
CAN'T play with her because he's not a girl. If she had a girl friend here
to play with her, she would share Barbies and play with that girl, so I see
this as truly a gender stereotyping issue more than a sharing issue (though
I'm sure that plays a small role).
--
Be well, Barbara
(Julian [6], Aurora [4], and Vernon's [a quarter to 2] mom)

This week's special at the English Language Butcher Shop:
"Be prepare to stop" -- CalTrans sign

Daddy: You're up with the chickens this morning.
Aurora: No, I'm up with my dolls!

All opinions expressed in this post are well-reasoned and insightful.
Needless to say, they are not those of my Internet Service Provider, its
other subscribers or lackeys. Anyone who says otherwise is itchin' for a
fight. -- with apologies to Michael Feldman

"Beth Kevles" wrote in message
...
My advice would just be to remind her that we share our toys. If you
can't share (no matter WHAT the reason) then the toy gets put away where
NO ONE can play with it.

I have to confess, this particular response seems unfair to me. Why should
the child who is playing with the toy be punished because his/her sibling
doesn't want to share?

If she gets upset by the idea of her brother playing with a girl toy
rather than just with HER toy (ie, some friend at playgroup make her
actually think this is important) then just tell her that it's a silly
story, but not real, about boy toys and girl toys. Read her a silly
story and make the analogy again: it's silly, just like the idea of
"girl toys" is silly.

Believe me, I've tried. Either she doesn't understand or she refuses to!
--
Be well, Barbara
(Julian [6], Aurora [4], and Vernon's [a quarter to 2] mom)

This week's special at the English Language Butcher Shop:
"Be prepare to stop" -- CalTrans sign

Daddy: You're up with the chickens this morning.
Aurora: No, I'm up with my dolls!

All opinions expressed in this post are well-reasoned and insightful.
Needless to say, they are not those of my Internet Service Provider, its
other subscribers or lackeys. Anyone who says otherwise is itchin' for a
fight. -- with apologies to Michael Feldman

"Nan" wrote in message
...
It's probably less a gender thing for her, and more a territorial
thing. She's probably aware that saying, "but it's mine!" would show
that she doesn't want to share (for the record, I don't think kids
need to share everything). Or, I could be way out in left field :-)

As I said in my response to Debbie, I truly think it's more a gender issue
than a territorial one. I think it's weird!

Does she like to play with "boy's" toys? Trucks and the like?
Maybe showing her the concept of her playing with the boy toys will
help her understand.

I tried that last night. She certainly does like to play with the boys'
trucks/cars/trains and so on, at least on occasion. She wasn't buying g!
--
Be well, Barbara
(Julian [6], Aurora [4], and Vernon's [a quarter to 2] mom)

This week's special at the English Language Butcher Shop:
"Be prepare to stop" -- CalTrans sign

Daddy: You're up with the chickens this morning.
Aurora: No, I'm up with my dolls!

All opinions expressed in this post are well-reasoned and insightful.
Needless to say, they are not those of my Internet Service Provider, its
other subscribers or lackeys. Anyone who says otherwise is itchin' for a
fight. -- with apologies to Michael Feldman

In our house, we have a rule that any toy that causes kids to fight or
be mean gets taken away. Fairness has nothing to do with it; having the
kids work things out for themselves has a LOT to do with it. For a
while I had a HUGE collection of toys on the top shelves where the kids
couldn't reach. (I'd bring the toys back down the next day, or whenever
I remembered, but put them directly in the toybox when the kids weren't
around.

The net result is that my kids just don't fight over toys. They share
with each other quite well, and have for well over a year, maybe
longer. (I don't remember when I was able to stop removing toys on a
regular basis. THe kids are 6 and 8 now.)

Think about your long term goal. Is it to promote good play behavior,
so that your kids can play happily together over the long term? As they
get more sophisticated about teasing each other, do you still want to
have to determine what's "fair"? It's SO easy to get that wrong! My
little one is very good at yanking his brother's chain ... but rarely
does, because if he makes his brother too angry, BOTH kids lose.

Of course, what works for me may have nothing to do with what works for
you. I hope you get this sorted out,
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.


My advice would just be to remind her that we share our toys. If you
can't share (no matter WHAT the reason) then the toy gets put away
where
NO ONE can play with it.

I have to confess, this particular response seems unfair to me. Why
should the child who is playing with the toy be punished because his/her
sibling doesn't want to share?

"Beth Kevles" wrote in message
...
In our house, we have a rule that any toy that causes kids to fight or
be mean gets taken away. Fairness has nothing to do with it; having the
kids work things out for themselves has a LOT to do with it. For a
while I had a HUGE collection of toys on the top shelves where the kids
couldn't reach. (I'd bring the toys back down the next day, or whenever
I remembered, but put them directly in the toybox when the kids weren't
around.

The net result is that my kids just don't fight over toys. They share
with each other quite well, and have for well over a year, maybe
longer. (I don't remember when I was able to stop removing toys on a
regular basis.

Well, I can see how it would WORK and I certainly appreciate the VALUE of
its working. Notwithstanding, I still have trouble with the practice for
more than one reason. Only one of them is that the child who is playing with
the toy gets punished for something that is not his fault. When said child
is a mere 21 months old, it is harder for me to justify that than when said
child is 4 (I have no problem with doing this sort of thing with my older
kids; it's when the toddler is involved that I find it problematic).

The second issue I have, however, is that one of the things which I have
tried to impress upon my children is that they are *never* allowed to
grab/forcibly take toys from one another because, aside from the fact that
they are supposed to be willing to share, it is simply mean and rude to do
this. The only time it is permissible is if the item the other person has is
dangerous in some way (e.g., my oldest is permitted to take small
Legos/K-Nex away from the toddler if he gets a hold of them, since he could
choke on them). If *I* then do exactly when I have told them they may not
do, I feel I'm modelling precisely the wrong thing.

Sigh I really DO see how doing this would eventually eliminate most fights
over toys and sharing. I guess it still just feels wrong to me!
--
Be well, Barbara
(Julian [6], Aurora [4], and Vernon's [a quarter to 2] mom)

This week's special at the English Language Butcher Shop:
"Be prepare to stop" -- CalTrans sign

Daddy: You're up with the chickens this morning.
Aurora: No, I'm up with my dolls!

All opinions expressed in this post are well-reasoned and insightful.
Needless to say, they are not those of my Internet Service Provider, its
other subscribers or lackeys. Anyone who says otherwise is itchin' for a
fight. -- with apologies to Michael Feldman

THe kids are 6 and 8 now.)

Think about your long term goal. Is it to promote good play behavior,
so that your kids can play happily together over the long term? As they
get more sophisticated about teasing each other, do you still want to
have to determine what's "fair"? It's SO easy to get that wrong! My
little one is very good at yanking his brother's chain ... but rarely
does, because if he makes his brother too angry, BOTH kids lose.

Of course, what works for me may have nothing to do with what works for
you. I hope you get this sorted out,
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the
milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.


My advice would just be to remind her that we share our toys. If you
can't share (no matter WHAT the reason) then the toy gets put away
where
NO ONE can play with it.

I have to confess, this particular response seems unfair to me. Why
should the child who is playing with the toy be punished because his/her
sibling doesn't want to share?

"Circe" wrote in message
news:7Gozb.56445$kl6.41530@fed1read03...
"Beth Kevles" wrote in message
...
My advice would just be to remind her that we share our toys. If you
can't share (no matter WHAT the reason) then the toy gets put away where
NO ONE can play with it.

I have to confess, this particular response seems unfair to me. Why should
the child who is playing with the toy be punished because his/her sibling
doesn't want to share?


Yep whoever was playing with the toy first, gets to play with it, no matter
who the toy "belongs" to. Vernon shouldn't be punished (by putting the toy
away) cos Aurora won't share IMO.


Sophie
#4 due 7/18/04

this as truly a gender stereotyping issue more than a sharing issue
(though
I'm sure that plays a small role).
--
Be well, Barbara
(Julian [6], Aurora [4], and Vernon's [a quarter to 2] mom)


Charlotte does that with colors. Boy colors are blue and green, girl colors
are pink and purple. Patrick and Lewis can not like things that are pink and
purple. Charlotte's very into what are "girl" things and "boy" things too.
But she lets them play with her Barbies and stuff. She does have other toys
she won't them play with but it's cos they're her favorite toys (only cos
the boys are interested in them - lol).