Introduction

Celia,

I've often been accused that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I do to a
point. I really do. When I write it's what I feel and think in my heart
and my head. And sometimes this method is easier because I'm not face to
face with anyone and I'm not getting interrupted either. And if people
think something about me.. at least I don't have to see it on their face or
worry that I don't have an attentive ear.

In looking and researching on the internet.. and struggling with my own
thoughts and issues and problems.. I know that the things I've gone through
are stressful.. true enough.. but I also know that the sadness has been
longstanding. After looking at the symptoms for depression and taking the
quizzes and knowing how I think and feel and react.. I have been depressed
for a very long time.. I would venture to say childhood.

I also think it's possible for depressed people to function "normally" and
appear normal and even carry out day to day tasks and attribute discontent
with "specific events". And.. although life is full of challenges and
trials and tribulations.. I think that the unhappiness is much more than
that with me... and I will admit freely.. I've been putting it off (seeing
anyone) for a long time... because of all the many stereotypes and
misconceptions.. but also because I have thought.. "What does some therapist
know?" And not.. wanting to answer all these different questions..
basically not wanting to face any problems...

But.. I'm tired of being in a haze.. and feeling so crappy on a constant,
regular basis.. and even when I should be happy... feeling like doo doo.
Thank you for your candid honesty.. seriously.. it's also amazing how in a
time span of a day I've been able to expunge all that I have.. maybe it's
because now I want to and now I'm ready to talk.

Kristi

Kate,

Thank you! Just from you and Celia... I already feel a warm hug... and it
helps.. it helps me tremendously. You mentioned different ethnic
backgrounds.. same here.. and even more complicated.. because it is likened
or can be likened to a black/white situation.. but not really. I was
adopted from Korea (my sister is my bio sister and was adopted as well) by
caucasian parents. I love my parents.. etc.. but there have been issues
attributed to being adopted... alone... and race identity/etc..

So.. obviously.. I'm Asian...

My daughter's father is a black male... poor... nothing like what I am...
and not raised in the same way either. In his family (and maybe the
culture)... children out of wedlock is commonplace.. not an anomaly. Not
only that... extended family raises the children.. etc... but I don't see an
emphasis on education or anything else... goal-oriented..

I was not in love with and didn't love and don't love my daughter's father.
I know many will probably say yeah right... we could all say we "got caught
up"... but how would you explain his high school education to my master's
degree level education and my ambition and drive... versus his...
dishwasher... jumping from job to minimum wage job? Just some examples.

And no.. I don't want to seem or sound racist, because I am not. I prefer
to date black males... at the time.. 21-22 years of age.. I did a lot of
things that were self-destructive. I drank a lot.. geesh... that year was a
haze.. I partied a lot.. I did a lot to NOT have to deal with identity
issues.. etc... and therefore.. my behavior is what got me pregnant... not
that I hadn't been raised right.. etc..

But I attribute this behavior to depression as well... seriously... I have
been a depressed "sad girl" for as long as I can remember... there has
always been something underlying there... some undercurrent... not feeling
good... EVER about myself.. and people maybe perceiving that as "low
self-esteem" or "low self-confidence".. but it wasn't that...

I have been highly skilled at masking my depression... being that "good
girl" in the respect of NO discipline problems.. honor roll grades...
respecting my parents.. and following the rules.. having plenty of friends..
no problems there... but as far as the way I have felt inside... that's
another story... so... that time was a very very very dark/black time in my
life... I medicated my LIFE with alcohol and didn't sober up all the way
around until pregnancy... and I haven't had drinks of that nature since.. a
light went on and I became a very very very responsible person from
conception on....

I realize that to go any further in my life... I am going to have to get the
insides to match my outward life... that has me living independently, paying
my bills, being ambitious and involved in my daughter's life... because
you're right...it would feel great to feel good... instead of like **** all
the time (pardon the cursing there... but it describes how I feel
perfectly). I mean... that would be liberating. And it's something I know
I HAVE to do for myself. Because.... nothing is changing on it's own.. it's
really not.. it's just trapping me and putting me on hold and in a stagnant
position... that's not good at all... and in that respect.. I agree.. My
daughter deserves to have a very coherent ALL THE WAY HERE parent in me...
and I deserve to feel good too.

Kristi

Talk about calling the kettle black Kate - YOU used and spelt "dysfunctional"
correctly, and in context!! :-)

David

'Kate wrote:

If you were only more dysfunctional..... :-)

'Kate

"Kristi Carney" wrote in message
...
Hi Everyone!

I just figured out how to subscribe to these newsgroups this morning... so
I'm trying my hand at it . I am a single mother of a beautiful 5 year old
daughter. I never married her father and that was probably one of the BEST
decisions I've made in my entire life! She is my world, can't imagine life
without her, but I feel the need to find support amongst other single
parents, because it is rough... it is very very very rough working full time
(I'm a special education teacher on the high school level) and then
parenting full time. If you hadn't gathered, my daughter's father is snip
rest

Welcome Kristi.
V, mom of 10 boy and 8 girl

Hi Kristi

I think it might be a little bit like the "mad" thing - if you KNOW you are
then you're not. :-)

If you say you're not then maybe you are?

David

PS I too worked in the disability field - a year working with special ed
teachers with severely and profoundly intellectually and physically
disadvantaged children and teenagers - 5 years as CEO of a largish disability
organisation, 3 years lecturing in developmental disability at a university.
Interesting and challenging work, but I loved it.


Kristi Carney wrote:

Discuss amongst yourselves... I'll give you a topic: Is she dysfunctional?
And is that a "dis" or is she "functional"? What's the relation between the
two? (Saturday Night Live and Mad TV are my saving grace.... without the
sense of humor, I would've blown up a long time ago... I mean it!)

Kristi

Kate,

Thanks for all your help and advice! It's definitely taken under
advisement. I told one of my closest friends that I'm going to seek
counseling/etc.. she's a counselor herself. And she asked me if I was just
"lonely"? And I said no... that I've been a "sad girl" for the better part
of my life.. but I have done such a great job at masking and coping... so..
it's not just recent events... I've been "sad" if you wanna call it that..
for as long as I can remember... very very very deep feeler.

Kristi

Hi David!

My ultimate goal would be to attain my doctoral degree and teach on the
collegiate level. I always knew I wanted to be a teacher.. I thought
elementary after doing teacher cadet in high school.. but when I entered
college.. I had a very passionate Special Education professor (who passed of
colon cancer, sadly) but.. HE inspired ME to be a special education
teacher.. gave me the gusto I needed!!! I would love to do that for
others... because special education is rough and there are little EXTRINSIC
rewards or immediate rewards... but if you can tough it out... you ARE doing
a great good... I believe...

So... if I say I AM disfunctional.. then I'm NOT... cool ...

Kristi

Thanks for the warm welcome, V ...

Kristi

And..

PS. I'd love a man that could be seen and not heard.. LOL ... (he doesn't
have to be German.. LOL)

Congrats

David

'Kate wrote:

I got my BS Friday. :-) I'm one step closer to where I

belong and it feels good.

'Kate

'Kate wrote:


. I got my BS Friday. :-) I'm one step closer to where I
belong and it feels good.


whoa.....

nearly missed it

(when its good news can ya'll ...wave a white hankie... or summat?)

*Congrats*... well done an all that stuff

n

.... sooo, (the important stuff)... whens the party?...where... will there be
beer? are we all invited?...