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#11
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Expunging Feelings...
Celia,
I've often been accused that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I do to a point. I really do. When I write it's what I feel and think in my heart and my head. And sometimes this method is easier because I'm not face to face with anyone and I'm not getting interrupted either. And if people think something about me.. at least I don't have to see it on their face or worry that I don't have an attentive ear. In looking and researching on the internet.. and struggling with my own thoughts and issues and problems.. I know that the things I've gone through are stressful.. true enough.. but I also know that the sadness has been longstanding. After looking at the symptoms for depression and taking the quizzes and knowing how I think and feel and react.. I have been depressed for a very long time.. I would venture to say childhood. I also think it's possible for depressed people to function "normally" and appear normal and even carry out day to day tasks and attribute discontent with "specific events". And.. although life is full of challenges and trials and tribulations.. I think that the unhappiness is much more than that with me... and I will admit freely.. I've been putting it off (seeing anyone) for a long time... because of all the many stereotypes and misconceptions.. but also because I have thought.. "What does some therapist know?" And not.. wanting to answer all these different questions.. basically not wanting to face any problems... But.. I'm tired of being in a haze.. and feeling so crappy on a constant, regular basis.. and even when I should be happy... feeling like doo doo. Thank you for your candid honesty.. seriously.. it's also amazing how in a time span of a day I've been able to expunge all that I have.. maybe it's because now I want to and now I'm ready to talk. Kristi |
#12
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Expunging Feelings...
Kate,
Thank you! Just from you and Celia... I already feel a warm hug... and it helps.. it helps me tremendously. You mentioned different ethnic backgrounds.. same here.. and even more complicated.. because it is likened or can be likened to a black/white situation.. but not really. I was adopted from Korea (my sister is my bio sister and was adopted as well) by caucasian parents. I love my parents.. etc.. but there have been issues attributed to being adopted... alone... and race identity/etc.. So.. obviously.. I'm Asian... My daughter's father is a black male... poor... nothing like what I am... and not raised in the same way either. In his family (and maybe the culture)... children out of wedlock is commonplace.. not an anomaly. Not only that... extended family raises the children.. etc... but I don't see an emphasis on education or anything else... goal-oriented.. I was not in love with and didn't love and don't love my daughter's father. I know many will probably say yeah right... we could all say we "got caught up"... but how would you explain his high school education to my master's degree level education and my ambition and drive... versus his... dishwasher... jumping from job to minimum wage job? Just some examples. And no.. I don't want to seem or sound racist, because I am not. I prefer to date black males... at the time.. 21-22 years of age.. I did a lot of things that were self-destructive. I drank a lot.. geesh... that year was a haze.. I partied a lot.. I did a lot to NOT have to deal with identity issues.. etc... and therefore.. my behavior is what got me pregnant... not that I hadn't been raised right.. etc.. But I attribute this behavior to depression as well... seriously... I have been a depressed "sad girl" for as long as I can remember... there has always been something underlying there... some undercurrent... not feeling good... EVER about myself.. and people maybe perceiving that as "low self-esteem" or "low self-confidence".. but it wasn't that... I have been highly skilled at masking my depression... being that "good girl" in the respect of NO discipline problems.. honor roll grades... respecting my parents.. and following the rules.. having plenty of friends.. no problems there... but as far as the way I have felt inside... that's another story... so... that time was a very very very dark/black time in my life... I medicated my LIFE with alcohol and didn't sober up all the way around until pregnancy... and I haven't had drinks of that nature since.. a light went on and I became a very very very responsible person from conception on.... I realize that to go any further in my life... I am going to have to get the insides to match my outward life... that has me living independently, paying my bills, being ambitious and involved in my daughter's life... because you're right...it would feel great to feel good... instead of like **** all the time (pardon the cursing there... but it describes how I feel perfectly). I mean... that would be liberating. And it's something I know I HAVE to do for myself. Because.... nothing is changing on it's own.. it's really not.. it's just trapping me and putting me on hold and in a stagnant position... that's not good at all... and in that respect.. I agree.. My daughter deserves to have a very coherent ALL THE WAY HERE parent in me... and I deserve to feel good too. Kristi |
#13
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Introduction
Talk about calling the kettle black Kate - YOU used and spelt "dysfunctional"
correctly, and in context!! :-) David 'Kate wrote: If you were only more dysfunctional..... :-) 'Kate |
#14
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Introduction
"Kristi Carney" wrote in message ... Hi Everyone! I just figured out how to subscribe to these newsgroups this morning... so I'm trying my hand at it . I am a single mother of a beautiful 5 year old daughter. I never married her father and that was probably one of the BEST decisions I've made in my entire life! She is my world, can't imagine life without her, but I feel the need to find support amongst other single parents, because it is rough... it is very very very rough working full time (I'm a special education teacher on the high school level) and then parenting full time. If you hadn't gathered, my daughter's father is snip rest Welcome Kristi. V, mom of 10 boy and 8 girl |
#15
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Can't let the disfunction out too early... LOL
Hi Kristi
I think it might be a little bit like the "mad" thing - if you KNOW you are then you're not. :-) If you say you're not then maybe you are? David PS I too worked in the disability field - a year working with special ed teachers with severely and profoundly intellectually and physically disadvantaged children and teenagers - 5 years as CEO of a largish disability organisation, 3 years lecturing in developmental disability at a university. Interesting and challenging work, but I loved it. Kristi Carney wrote: Discuss amongst yourselves... I'll give you a topic: Is she dysfunctional? And is that a "dis" or is she "functional"? What's the relation between the two? (Saturday Night Live and Mad TV are my saving grace.... without the sense of humor, I would've blown up a long time ago... I mean it!) Kristi |
#16
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Expunging Feelings...
Kate,
Thanks for all your help and advice! It's definitely taken under advisement. I told one of my closest friends that I'm going to seek counseling/etc.. she's a counselor herself. And she asked me if I was just "lonely"? And I said no... that I've been a "sad girl" for the better part of my life.. but I have done such a great job at masking and coping... so.. it's not just recent events... I've been "sad" if you wanna call it that.. for as long as I can remember... very very very deep feeler. Kristi |
#17
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Hi David!
Hi David!
My ultimate goal would be to attain my doctoral degree and teach on the collegiate level. I always knew I wanted to be a teacher.. I thought elementary after doing teacher cadet in high school.. but when I entered college.. I had a very passionate Special Education professor (who passed of colon cancer, sadly) but.. HE inspired ME to be a special education teacher.. gave me the gusto I needed!!! I would love to do that for others... because special education is rough and there are little EXTRINSIC rewards or immediate rewards... but if you can tough it out... you ARE doing a great good... I believe... So... if I say I AM disfunctional.. then I'm NOT... cool ... Kristi |
#18
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Introduction
Thanks for the warm welcome, V ...
Kristi And.. PS. I'd love a man that could be seen and not heard.. LOL ... (he doesn't have to be German.. LOL) |
#19
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Introduction
Congrats
David 'Kate wrote: I got my BS Friday. :-) I'm one step closer to where I belong and it feels good. 'Kate |
#20
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Introduction
'Kate wrote:
. I got my BS Friday. :-) I'm one step closer to where I belong and it feels good. whoa..... nearly missed it (when its good news can ya'll ...wave a white hankie... or summat?) *Congrats*... well done an all that stuff n .... sooo, (the important stuff)... whens the party?...where... will there be beer? are we all invited?... |
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