The Mind of an Autistic Child.

The Mind of an Autistic Child
As perceived by
Jagannath Chatterjee

I'm just a normal child mom, I cannot understand what makes me
different from others. I think the same thoughts as them, have the same
ambitions, wish to play, to love and be loved. I like my studies mommy,
the teachers are so good, my classmates so understanding. The books
smell so nice. What does the smell remind me of? I cannot put a finger
to it. You smell so good too mom. I love it when you smile.

If only I could step out of my body, you could see how wonderful I was.
It feels so wrong, my body. I feel trapped. I exist in a corner of my
head, I see what you see, I feel what you feel. Why cannot I react
mommy? Why is dad so worried about me? Am I such a burden to you both?
What if I was not born, you two could have been so happy. How was I
when I was born? I remember those days when we all were so happy. Till
the day I felt my brain shrink, my body felt numb, the skin dead and
dry, the lights hurt my eyes, I have this uneasiness that makes me feel
restless and I cry.

I can read mom, but I cannot remember. I hate the exams, they test my
memory more then they test me. If only they could let me read and let
me live my own life. I do not know about tomorrow. Please let me enjoy
my present. I am still so alert, able to tolerate my pain. What if
tomorrow is not so good? Let me enjoy my present please. Leave me alone
with my books. Let me read what I want. I want to know about this
world. I want to travel in my mind. Why do you worry so much about my
future?

I scream because I can do things that I cannot when I try. Can you not
help me? Why do you not allow me to be with the other normal children?
Why do I have to go to MY school? Is it so important to do things that
I cannot? I can do them in my mind mom. I know the answers !! How can
you not know? You do not know the depths of my thoughts. You do not
understand how much I feel for you. You do not understand how much I
understand. I am willing to live life as it is. If only the pain could
go away. Everything is so wrong. You get worried even when I feel happy
and try to laugh.

I am so full of fears. I am afraid of darkness. I am terrified of
strangers. I hate my school. I hate the sound of the school bell. The
school is another prison for me mom. If only you could know. Why don't
you let me free? I would so love to fly. I would perch on the tree
outside our house and watch you all. What is God mommy? What does he
do? Why did he let me become like this?

You could have another child. A normal child. I would so love to have a
brother. A sister would do as well. I would help them grow. But mom
please....please....see that they do not become like what I am. Take
good care of them. Watch them carefully. I want you both to be happy
mom and dad. You are so good. I make you unhappy. I want brothers and
sisters who would make you happy. I want the laughter to return to our
family. I want you to feel proud of them. I don't want you to feel
ashamed to introduce them to others. To explain all the things that you
have to in my case.

I know you want me. But I feel so unwanted. There seems to be such a
great barrier between you and me. All this loneliness. Where does it
come from? I cry and cry till I drop and shake. You too cry and
sometimes you get angry. You think I do it on purpose. If only you
could sense my mind, my thoughts, my fears, my emotions. Sometimes they
do not obey me just as my body defies my attempts. Try to understand
please. I do not hate you. It is just that my skin feels so wrong when
you touch me. What is fate mom? What is destiny?

The doctors assure you I will become alright. You want to believe them.
I too tried to believe them. But the medicines make me feel groggy. You
think I sleep. But you cannot see my dreams mom. They are so
horrible.They are so frightening. I want to shout and cry. I want you
to stop those dreams. But you only come into my room, take a look at
me, shut the lights off and go away. I want to be awake mom. I do not
want to dream. I want you to be with me in my room, waking me if I fall
asleep.

I have everything. I have my life, my mom, my dad, my friends, my toys.
But I also have my body, my pain. Is this all there is to my life? Can
you not do something for me? Maybe there is a way out? Something that
doctor uncle cannot think of? You read so much. Can you not find a way
out? Why are you so afraid to experiment? Are you afraid of loosing me?
But I will always be there mom, watching you from heaven.

Do something for me mom. And dad. There is no harm in trying.

I don't want to live like this. Why should I be a burden to all when I
am capable of sharing their burdens and make them feel light? Why
should all my energies go to caring for my own self? I want to help the
world and yet I rot in my own prison. I am not a selfish child. I am
perfect in my own way. Only you do not understand. Help me. Think of
curing me and not just allowing me to continue with all this pain. I
don't want to be special mom. I want to be normal. Promise to me you
wont give up trying. Ever.

Help me. Please....!!!!! Do not give up on me mommy. And dad.
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