What to do when neighbor kid is a bad influence?

Hello all,

This is my first time in this group, so please bear with me. My son is
almost 13 years old. For the last year or so he has been very good friends
with another boy (Joey) in the neighborhood who's a year older than he is.
Joey lives about a mile away in the same subdivision. Through repeated
actions of Joey, we have come to the conclusion that he is a bad influence,
and we no longer want our son to play with him. (Examples: Tried to light
bushes on fire with a cigarette lighter (this was last year in the middle of
the worst fire season in decades); assaulted a female jogger with a stick
(stuck it in her crotch and told her she couldn't go by); likes to go with
our son to the mall for the sole purpose of getting kicked out of stores;
the list goes on). Our son is a complete follower and will do nearly
anything he thinks will make him more cool, so he's likely to do whatever
Joey wants to do at the time, even if he knows it's wrong.

To make a long story short: Following the incident with the jogger--for
which we had to pick up our son at the police station, as he was present
when it happened--we told our son he is no longer allowed to play with Joey.
But we are not going to follow him everywhere he goes, and therein lies the
problem: Yesterday we found out that he has been hanging out with Joey for
the past several weeks, lying to us about where he is going, etc. To make
matters worse, he has been invited into Joey's home, where Joey's parents
have told our son that they think we are "stupid" for not allowing the two
boys to play together. Joey's parents know that we have told our son he is
not allowed to play with Joey, but they have actively encouraged our son to
lie to us about his whereabouts, and have helped their own son deceive us
into thinking our son is playing with someone else. Obviously these are not
the kind of people we want our son, at an impressionable 12 years old, to be
associated with.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to handle these parents, I would love
to hear them. We are quite hesitant to confront them in person, just based
on their actions. I'm not sure a certified letter would do any good--and
besides, it's not entirely their son's fault, since our son is also pursuing
this friendship against our wishes. But they are kids, hardly even
teenagers, so they can be somewhat forgiven....his parents, however, cannot
be.

Any suggestions?


Coloradoskibum

Thanks for the reply; that all sounds good and reasonable, but what's to
prevent him from going to his friend's house anyway, even if we say he
can't? If Joey's parents are encouraging this, then there's nothing to stop
him short of us following him around everywhere.


Coloradoskibum


"dragonlady" wrote in message
...
In article ,
"Coloradoskibum" wrote:

Hello all,

This is my first time in this group, so please bear with me. My son is
almost 13 years old. For the last year or so he has been very good
friends
with another boy (Joey) in the neighborhood who's a year older than he
is.
Joey lives about a mile away in the same subdivision. Through repeated
actions of Joey, we have come to the conclusion that he is a bad
influence,
and we no longer want our son to play with him. (Examples: Tried to
light
bushes on fire with a cigarette lighter (this was last year in the
middle of
the worst fire season in decades); assaulted a female jogger with a
stick
(stuck it in her crotch and told her she couldn't go by); likes to go
with
our son to the mall for the sole purpose of getting kicked out of
stores;
the list goes on). Our son is a complete follower and will do nearly
anything he thinks will make him more cool, so he's likely to do
whatever
Joey wants to do at the time, even if he knows it's wrong.

To make a long story short: Following the incident with the jogger--for
which we had to pick up our son at the police station, as he was present
when it happened--we told our son he is no longer allowed to play with
Joey.
But we are not going to follow him everywhere he goes, and therein lies
the
problem: Yesterday we found out that he has been hanging out with Joey
for
the past several weeks, lying to us about where he is going, etc. To
make
matters worse, he has been invited into Joey's home, where Joey's
parents
have told our son that they think we are "stupid" for not allowing the
two
boys to play together. Joey's parents know that we have told our son he
is
not allowed to play with Joey, but they have actively encouraged our son
to
lie to us about his whereabouts, and have helped their own son deceive
us
into thinking our son is playing with someone else. Obviously these are
not
the kind of people we want our son, at an impressionable 12 years old,
to be
associated with.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to handle these parents, I would
love
to hear them. We are quite hesitant to confront them in person, just
based
on their actions. I'm not sure a certified letter would do any
good--and
besides, it's not entirely their son's fault, since our son is also
pursuing
this friendship against our wishes. But they are kids, hardly even
teenagers, so they can be somewhat forgiven....his parents, however,
cannot
be.

Any suggestions?


Coloradoskibum


Your son is too old to effectively forbid him any sort of friendship:
he WILL go on seeing Joey.

However, you CAN set some limits. I think you are much better off
insisting that you only want him to see Joey at YOUR house, and under
YOUR supervision. You provide a safe place for the two of them to
persue their friendship, and supervise their activities more closely.
It is a more intensive, time consuming approach, but ultimately more
likely to be successful.

My experience with this approach -- and with watching my parents use the
same approach in raising six kids -- has been varied, but generally much
more effective than trying to forbid friendships. I've had some
friendships break up because the troubled child refused to come in to
our house (too many rules, like no pot . . .). I've seen some troubled
children helped greatly by spending time in a better environment. I've
seen some friendships just gradually deteriorate, and others continue.
I've seen my kids realize that another kid WAS trouble -- I'm not sure
they'd have seen that if I had tried to forbid the friendship. I've
also seen, sometimes, a realization that the kid I thought was trouble
had many redeaming qualities, and understood why my kid liked hanging
out with them.

I now parent one of the kids that other kids have been forbidden to
associate with. When I know about it, I try to honor it -- but I also
resent it. If all of the "good" kids are forbidden association with my
troubled kid, who is left for HER to associate with? I'd MUCH rather
the parents set other types of boundaries, but try to honor any
boundaries I know about. And, frankly, I think some of the kids who've
been forbidden to come to our house are already in trouble; many of
them are the kids who are sneaking out, and lying about where they are
to their parents.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

In article ,
"Coloradoskibum" wrote:

Thanks for the reply; that all sounds good and reasonable, but what's to
prevent him from going to his friend's house anyway, even if we say he
can't? If Joey's parents are encouraging this, then there's nothing to stop
him short of us following him around everywhere.


Coloradoskibum


No, there isn't. However, he's more likely to follow your restrictions
if he finds them reasonable and they still allow him to spend time with
his friend. And if he DOES go places he's not supposed to go, there
ought to be consequences -- like being grounded, or being followed
around everywhere for some period of time. However, if, during the
period in which he is grounded, Joey is still allowed to come to your
house, it will set up a good pattern -- them seeing each other at your
house instead of his, under your supervision.

Your son is entering his teens, and you might as well get used to the
fact that he will apply his own reasoning when he decides whether or not
to follow your rules. Given that he and Joey have actually been picked
up by the police together, he will probably understand that you are
concerned about them being together -- however, you will usually have
more luck wording it that way, instead of accusing Joey of being a 'bad
influence'. Telling a kid that they have a "bad friend" only makes them
want to defend that friend, and may even make them feel like you have no
faith in their own ability to make decisions. I've heard kids insist
tha their parents were blaming the wrong person: THEY made the decision
to go along with their friend, and don't want to be treated like they
have no brain of their own.

You might also consider approaching Joey's parents differently. Instead
of telling them that they have a Bad Kid who is leading your Angel into
trouble (I know I'm putting words in your mouth, but that's how what
you've said can feel to the parents of the other kid) you might approach
it as problem solving: "Right now, when the boys get together, they
have been getting into trouble, and I'm concerned about the things
they've been doing. I'd like to find a way to supervise them more
closely until I feel some confidence that this sort of dangerous
behavior is in the past." You might find reasonable parents who ALSO
want to find a way to stop the behavior. (You might also find parents
who don't consider anything Joey has done to be all that bad, but then
you'd absolutely know you don't want your son spending a lot of time at
their house.)

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

Coloradoskibum wrote:

Hello all,

This is my first time in this group, so please bear with me. My son is
almost 13 years old. For the last year or so he has been very good friends
with another boy (Joey) in the neighborhood who's a year older than he is.
Joey lives about a mile away in the same subdivision. Through repeated
actions of Joey, we have come to the conclusion that he is a bad influence,
and we no longer want our son to play with him. (Examples: Tried to light
bushes on fire with a cigarette lighter (this was last year in the middle of
the worst fire season in decades); assaulted a female jogger with a stick
(stuck it in her crotch and told her she couldn't go by); likes to go with
our son to the mall for the sole purpose of getting kicked out of stores;
the list goes on). Our son is a complete follower and will do nearly
anything he thinks will make him more cool, so he's likely to do whatever
Joey wants to do at the time, even if he knows it's wrong.

To make a long story short: Following the incident with the jogger--for
which we had to pick up our son at the police station, as he was present
when it happened--we told our son he is no longer allowed to play with Joey.
But we are not going to follow him everywhere he goes, and therein lies the
problem: Yesterday we found out that he has been hanging out with Joey for
the past several weeks, lying to us about where he is going, etc. To make
matters worse, he has been invited into Joey's home, where Joey's parents
have told our son that they think we are "stupid" for not allowing the two
boys to play together. Joey's parents know that we have told our son he is
not allowed to play with Joey, but they have actively encouraged our son to
lie to us about his whereabouts, and have helped their own son deceive us
into thinking our son is playing with someone else. Obviously these are not
the kind of people we want our son, at an impressionable 12 years old, to be
associated with.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to handle these parents, I would love
to hear them. We are quite hesitant to confront them in person, just based
on their actions. I'm not sure a certified letter would do any good--and
besides, it's not entirely their son's fault, since our son is also pursuing
this friendship against our wishes. But they are kids, hardly even
teenagers, so they can be somewhat forgiven....his parents, however, cannot
be.

Any suggestions?

Coloradoskibum
-------------------
Empty your child's room except for a bed and blanket and tell him
you're getting him ready for prison, and just waiting for the cops
to come get him. Then leave him do what he wants.
Steve