Encouraging without being a BF Nazi....

Do you find there's a fine line? Or maybe I'm just being extra
sensitive.

I have a friend who was due early April. She told me at her shower she
wanted to try to BF. Though no one in either of their families had
done so, which made her a bit nervous, but generally they were
supportive (at least not disparaging - more like 'not everyone can'
and 'it's ok if you don't' but not actively discouraging). She has a
few friends (myself included) who have BF recently or are still BF.

So we talked about some of the challenges, how it's not as easy as
first, latching can be difficult, etc etc and I told her I'd put
together a package for her - the Nursing Mother's Companion, some
breast pads, lanolin, etc. However it took me a few weeks to get it
together, and I was going to drop it by this weekend and have a long
chat about some of the initial stuff in hospital to be prepared for.
Well, she had her baby on Monday! He's healthy and doing great, but at
37wfew days is a bit early and weighed only 5.5 lbs. She had high BP
so was on some drug to stablize her the first 36 hours and couldn't
BF. When I talked to her husband Wed night, he said she's doing fine,
baby's fine, just small and they're really panicking about the low
weight, as if he falls under 5 lbs he can't go home.

So I asked how BF was going, he said they'd been giving him formula
since birth because the nurses insisted he had to be fed and her milk
wasn't in yet anyway. He won't latch. She does have a pump and trying
to pump but he said 'nothing comes out, she gets a drop of colostrum
but it's not enough to get out of the nipple thing". I assured him
that was VERY normal. Not to expect milk for a few days at least, save
the colostrum, keep trying to nurse. The hospital LC was nowhere to be
found and she was stressing out about it all. I tried to offer calming
words, but said to insist on the LC coming. I did offer to come myself
- I'm no expert but given she had NO ONE around who had any clue,
might be better than nothing, although I have a cold so I'd rather not
expose anyone to my germs. I tried so hard to be cautious -
encouraging but also letting him know 'it's ok if in the end it's too
difficult.' I do think it's ok, but I also would hate for her to give
up without proper advice/support. It sounds like the nurses basically
give her a few minutes to try to get him to latch, and when he
doesn't, whisk him away to give him formula. Her DH is supportive, but
also very concerned that she's scared/tired/stressed and in protecting
her, would rather the baby get formula so all can relax.

Knowing how I had to argue with some nurses about letting me BF, and I
am quite assertive, I fear my very sweet but timid friend will give
in. I don't want to make her feel bad for not BF if that's the route
she goes, but I want to encourage too.

Anyway, I just said to call me, any time of day or night, if they want
me to come and help in anyway. But now I'm worried the DH will not
convey all that, and is a little annoyed. We're close, but not *that*
close that I feel I can do much more without her asking. But now I
feel bad.

On Mar 30, 1:02 pm, "cjra" wrote:
Do you find there's a fine line? Or maybe I'm just being extra
sensitive.

I have a friend who was due early April. She told me at her shower she
wanted to try to BF. Though no one in either of their families had
done so, which made her a bit nervous, but generally they were
supportive (at least not disparaging - more like 'not everyone can'
and 'it's ok if you don't' but not actively discouraging). She has a
few friends (myself included) who have BF recently or are still BF.

So we talked about some of the challenges, how it's not as easy as
first, latching can be difficult, etc etc and I told her I'd put
together a package for her - the Nursing Mother's Companion, some
breast pads, lanolin, etc. However it took me a few weeks to get it
together, and I was going to drop it by this weekend and have a long
chat about some of the initial stuff in hospital to be prepared for.
Well, she had her baby on Monday! He's healthy and doing great, but at
37wfew days is a bit early and weighed only 5.5 lbs. She had high BP
so was on some drug to stablize her the first 36 hours and couldn't
BF. When I talked to her husband Wed night, he said she's doing fine,
baby's fine, just small and they're really panicking about the low
weight, as if he falls under 5 lbs he can't go home.

So I asked how BF was going, he said they'd been giving him formula
since birth because the nurses insisted he had to be fed and her milk
wasn't in yet anyway. He won't latch. She does have a pump and trying
to pump but he said 'nothing comes out, she gets a drop of colostrum
but it's not enough to get out of the nipple thing". I assured him
that was VERY normal. Not to expect milk for a few days at least, save
the colostrum, keep trying to nurse. The hospital LC was nowhere to be
found and she was stressing out about it all. I tried to offer calming
words, but said to insist on the LC coming. I did offer to come myself
- I'm no expert but given she had NO ONE around who had any clue,
might be better than nothing, although I have a cold so I'd rather not
expose anyone to my germs. I tried so hard to be cautious -
encouraging but also letting him know 'it's ok if in the end it's too
difficult.' I do think it's ok, but I also would hate for her to give
up without proper advice/support. It sounds like the nurses basically
give her a few minutes to try to get him to latch, and when he
doesn't, whisk him away to give him formula. Her DH is supportive, but
also very concerned that she's scared/tired/stressed and in protecting
her, would rather the baby get formula so all can relax.

Knowing how I had to argue with some nurses about letting me BF, and I
am quite assertive, I fear my very sweet but timid friend will give
in. I don't want to make her feel bad for not BF if that's the route
she goes, but I want to encourage too.

Anyway, I just said to call me, any time of day or night, if they want
me to come and help in anyway. But now I'm worried the DH will not
convey all that, and is a little annoyed. We're close, but not *that*
close that I feel I can do much more without her asking. But now I
feel bad.

I should add, that I have seen how quickly people get defensive, even
if attacking is the furthest thing from your mind.

For example, I've never ever suggested anyone else should homebirth.
I've talked about it, and told others they should do what's best for
them. It's most important to feel comfortable, etc.

After this friend's shower, the obvious topic of birth experience came
up with a few of us remaining. She remarked on how amazed she was
about my drug-free approach. I just said it was very tolerable, mind
over matter and all that and I was happy with it all- at least that
part of it. No comment on taking drugs, no comment on anyone else's
birth experience. I had been trying to be careful not to scare her
about the 'horrors of childirth' that everyone seems to think pregnant
women want to hear, so I downplayed it. But at that point the husband
of the other friend there jumped in defensively arguing that "it's not
like that for everyone. Some women have it much harder than you. A -
his wife - had to do blah blah blah...." I agreed fully, said yes it's
different for all, and everyone deals differently and it's best to do
what you're comfortable with. but he really went on the defensive so I
just said no more.

All that makes me all the more worried her DH took our conversation
pumping/BF the wrong way.

I just feel sorry for your friend, I'm not really sure what you can do,
other than repeat your offer of help. When hospitals/nurses manage things
badly, then the mum gives up on her attempts to breastfeeding, often the mum
still feels really guilty, which does no one any good and of course the baby
is not breastfed.

It erks me how much they freak about the size of the baby, it's health that
is far more important, yes, weight is a flag to watch more closely, but not
a flag to force feed formula. I feel so lucky that I was on a drip for a
while during labour (low blood pressure) as my DS was barely above the 2.5kg
(5lb 8oz) cut of for freaking out and I expect he dropped below it, but
because they hadn't got the flag for watching him more closely, we weren't
hassled. Had he ever been weighed and found to be below the threshold, there
would have been no reason to do anything differently, I'm sure he was below
it, but he did fine on normal care, he had moderate jaundice and it was a
struggle to get him feeding well, but lights weren't necessary, I suspect
had his weight been measured, lights would suddenly have become necessary
making everything much more tricky. Skin to skin was also really important
for us early on, again, they'd have probably shoved him in a warmer had he
been measured below 2.5kg, yet skin to skin is even more beneficial for
babies with any problems.

I think it really shows the importance of preparing for when bad stuff
happens as well as normality. I don't know what would have happened had we
ended up in transitional care, I don't think I'd have had the sense to have
DH glued to the baby and only give anything but breastmilk in an emergency
(having said that DH really is a BF nazi and would likely have done that
himself!).

It's hard, I had the same happen with a friend of mine, she had OC and was
induced at 37 weeks, ending in a c-section, baby had a slight dusky episode
and was whipped away from mum, no one even mentioned bfing to her in the
first 24hrs, she partially bf for a month. I saw the mum at 16hrs post
birth, had a breastpump with her before any midwife had mentioned it, but it
was already too late.

Anne

cjra wrote:
Do you find there's a fine line?

Oh, God, yes. And I still haven't worked out how to negotiate it. But
the problems I have are with things like figuring out how to broach the
subject in the first place without it sounding as though I'm going to
follow it up with a tirade, or with finding out what led a woman to
choose formula-feeding without sounding as though I'm being critical.
The situation you described isn't the same at all. This woman has said
she wants to breastfeed; I think it's totally reasonable to be quite
proactive about offering support in helping her to do so.

IIRC, didn't your baby have some trouble while you were still in
hospital? That's the perfect opening for going along and offering
support - tell her that you remember all too well how awful it can be,
and you wanted to see how she was doing and to ask whether there was
anything you can do to help. It's not even just about the breastfeeding
- she may want someone to talk to about what's happening generally. If
the nurses aren't that helpful when it comes to breastfeeding, who's to
say they're helpful when it comes to explaining what's going on, making
her feel involved, encouraging her to hold the baby? She needs to know
that she has a right to all those things. Doesn't have to be a militant
thing - just go along, offer support, listen to what's going on, ask
some gentle questions, share your own experiences, sympathise, and see
what you can help with.

As far as the breastfeeding goes, you can be there to sympathise, to
tell her that the first few weeks are almost always the worst bit,
especially when a baby has problems like this, and that if she can
manage to hang in there it's likely to get a *lot* better after that.
Does she know about using slow-flow teats or even a syringe to feed the
baby, so that he doesn't develop nipple confusion? Why does she have to
wait for the nurses to let her try to latch him on anyway? She should
be able to hold him any time, not be limited to a few minutes when
feeding time comes around. You can let her know all of this without
being militant about it.

If she or her husband (I have a feeling the latter is more likely)
starts being obstructive, it might be worth actually acknowledging the
issue: "I know some women will give other women a really hard time about
not wanting to breastfeed, and I don't want to do that at all. If you
really don't want to, that's fine. But I know a lot of people who
didn't breastfeed when they really did want to just because they didn't
have the support they needed when they needed it, and they ended up
regretting it. I hate it when that happens to anyone."

Overall... I think if you base it on what you would have wanted in that
situation, you won't go far wrong.

HTH.


All the best,

Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell

Sarah Vaughan wrote:

IIRC, didn't your baby have some trouble while you were still in
hospital? That's the perfect opening for going along and offering
support - tell her that you remember all too well how awful it can be,
and you wanted to see how she was doing and to ask whether there was
anything you can do to help. It's not even just about the breastfeeding
- she may want someone to talk to about what's happening generally.

Meant to add that I think it's perfectly OK to go along and offer help
whether or not you're close friends now. You know her, you've been
through something similar, you know it's a difficult situation and you
have help to offer. That's plenty of reason.


All the best,

Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell

"cjra" wrote in message
ups.com...
Do you find there's a fine line? Or maybe I'm just being extra
sensitive.

I agree this is a tough one. When I had troubles in the beginning the first
'help' I got was a nurse that said 'yes it's supposed to hurt, you just have
to toughen up' without checking my latch or explaining about strong sucks.
Then at home all I had was a handful of breastfeeding leaflets that said 'no
it shouldn't hurt, just keep going till it doesn't hurt' - or something
equally as useless. Emotionally I had no support at all until a decent
midwife turned up a few days later to check his weight gain. She was fab and
if it hadn't been for her I could have given up - and I was pretty stubborn
about bf'ing. If I had had a friend like you, who seems well aware of that
fine line and how to balance it so you are supportive and encouraging
without being blunt and forceful, then I'm sure emotionally I would have
coped much better! I think the only way you will know if she really wants
help is to go visist and listen to what she, not just the dh, has to say.

Good luck!

Jeni