If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. |
|
|
|
Thread Tools | Display Modes |
#11
|
|||
|
|||
In article ,
Richard wrote: My 32mo daughter often says "no" when she means "yes". As a simple example, my wife leaves in the morning before I do (I take DD to daycare). As my wife is leaving, she'll ask DD for good-bye hugs and kisses. DD sometimes says, no, she doesn't want any. Maybe she's playing and doesn't want to be distracted, sometimes she's just exercising her toddler's prerogative to say no. She doesn't want any hugs, of course, until the minute my wife is gone. Then, after it's too late, she starts her pleading, "Mommy huggie! Mommy huggie!" "It's too late, Sweetheart. Mommy's at work now." Meltdown, tears and all. This isn't uncommon. However, if THIS scenario is a common one, I'd stop ASKING, and just tell her it's time for a goodbye hug. If she says "no", mommie can just kiss the top of her head, or hug her from behind. -- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care |
#12
|
|||
|
|||
Richard wrote: My 32mo daughter often says "no" when she means "yes". As a simple example, my wife leaves in the morning before I do (I take DD to daycare). As my wife is leaving, she'll ask DD for good-bye hugs and kisses. DD sometimes says, no, she doesn't want any. Maybe she's playing and doesn't want to be distracted, sometimes she's just exercising her toddler's prerogative to say no. She doesn't want any hugs, of course, until the minute my wife is gone. Then, after it's too late, she starts her pleading, "Mommy huggie! Mommy huggie!" "It's too late, Sweetheart. Mommy's at work now." Meltdown, tears and all. For a while, we've assumed (correctly, I think) that she lacks the neural connectivity needed to conceptualize causality, so have given her what she says she wants when she says she wants it. As this behavior is becoming more frequent, we're leaning toward just letting her suffer the consequences of her initial rejection and endure her resulting meltdowns, even if we're in a position to give her what she wants. My son, who is almost exactly the same age, does this all the time. You also might want to check out the sequence in the middle of Volumn 27 of The Story About The Toddler at www.ironycentral.com about Cordelia being offered food. This made me and my husband crack up because it was so much like our child. We just sort of deal with it as it comes. If we offer a cracker and he says no, then says "I want a cracker!" two seconds later, okay, you changed your mind, here's a cracker (and he's actually starting to say, "I changed my mind, I want a cracker!"). If, however, it was the *last* cracker and in the meantime Daddy has eaten it, oh well. It's just the truth in the world that sometimes you can say no and then change your mind with no consequences, and sometimes when you say no you're stuck with the choice. I realize that it may be tricky for the toddler mind to tell the difference between these two situations, and we do try to warn him when we can that a given choice is non-retractable, but to some extent we figure this is just life. Make your choice, and sometimes you can take it back, sometimes you can't, so it behooves you to make the right one to begin with. I think part of it is just him wanting to initially say no to anything that wasn't his idea, at least in certain moods. I've just been assuming that as he gets older he'll do this less. Beth |
#13
|
|||
|
|||
In article ,
Richard wrote: I wrote: My 32mo daughter often says "no" when she means "yes". As a simple example, my wife leaves in the morning before I do (I take DD to daycare). As my wife is leaving, she'll ask DD for good-bye hugs and kisses. DD sometimes says, no, she doesn't want any. Maybe she's Scott replied: Here is the problem. You are giving her a choice. If you don't want the answer to be no -- and then have a meltdown -- don't ask the question. It's really that simple. I would like my daughter to learn to handle choice. She can not do that without being offered choices and living with the consequences. Richard dad to Micaela The issue is how many choices, and which ones. If your daughter is having lots of problems with meltdowns over the choices she's made, then you may need to offer fewer -- she isn't learning to make choices, she's being overwhelmed by them. -- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care |
#14
|
|||
|
|||
I don't know if it's common or not, but my 2 year old nephew ALWAYS
says no- even when he means yes- including "do you want a cookie" to which he responces "NO!" as he reaches for it. JJ |
#15
|
|||
|
|||
In ,
Richard wrote: *Well, yes and no. It's not always that simple. Saturday, for *example, at the little kids' gym, the instructor was having kids *do a somersault over a padded cylinder. DD refused. The teacher *accepted that, as did we, saying she could try next time. The *padded cylinder went back into storage and DD then decided she *wanted to try it. It was too late, she had her little meltdown, *and we removed her from the gym. OK, our problem is similar, in that my 2 2/3 yr old daughter will say the day before the outing we know she won't like (for example, to take my son to see fireworks, which she hates) "I do not want to go on the outing," and then the day of the outing will see us leaving and say "I want to come I want to come I want to come" and I will say "but you don't like fireworks" and she will insist she wants to go, and I have to either tell her no, she's staying home, meaning she'll tantrum while we leave and then calm down and be ok, or I have to let her come, meaning she'll be fine until the fireworks start and then she'll freak out. It's a tossup, and I have not figured out what to do on Monday yet. That being said, in the situation you describe above, I would definitely say to her "listen, this is your chance to try. If you do not try RIGHT NOW, you do not get to try at all. Do you want to try? No? Ok, she's putting it away after everyone goes, so you have to be sure you do not want a turn. Are you sure? OK. It's going bye-bye now. Wave bye-bye to the mat..." and hope for the best. if she still melted down, well, wave bye-bye to the class, too h. -- Hillary Israeli, VMD Lafayette Hill/PA/USA/Earth "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read." --Groucho Marx |
#16
|
|||
|
|||
In article ,
Richard wrote: In article , Scott wrote: Here is the problem. You are giving her a choice. If you don't want the answer to be no -- and then have a meltdown -- don't ask the question. It's really that simple. Well, yes and no. It's not always that simple. Saturday, for example, at the little kids' gym, the instructor was having kids do a somersault over a padded cylinder. DD refused. The teacher accepted that, as did we, saying she could try next time. The padded cylinder went back into storage and DD then decided she wanted to try it. It was too late, she had her little meltdown, and we removed her from the gym. Ah yes -- buyer's remorse. Some people seem to have problems with that all their lives! -- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care |
#17
|
|||
|
|||
In article ,
LisaBell wrote: On Tue, 28 Jun 2005 16:26:59 EDT, Scott wrote: If you don't want the answer to be no -- and then have a meltdown -- don't ask the question. It's really that simple. I suggest you change the routine so that your wife just hugs and kisses your daughter, but doesn't do any asking. Of course, at some point, you'll have a daughter not wanting a hug/kiss. At which point you have this interaction: Daughter: I don't want a hug/kiss. Mother: You don't have to. I'm doing this for me. hug, kiss. Bye. In principle I'd agree that with younger kids like the OP's limiting the choices might be best (which didn't cure my indecisive DD, btw), but I would be wary of applying it to something like kisses and hugs. I believe it is current wisdom (ie- not merely my own) that physical affection should never be forced on a child, and that children should be taught that they have absolute power in deciding to welcome or decline physical affection. --Lisa bell Mom to Gabriella (6.5) and the indecisive Michaela (5) In general, I agree -- kids should have power over their own bodies, and the right to refuse physical affection. In this case, however, it is clear that the little girl DOES want hugs and kisses from mommie -- she just sometimes says "no", then melts down after it's too late. In this case, I think that using common sense would say that the general rule about giving kids autonomy over thier bodies is not violated by having Mom just announce it's time for a kiss goodbye, then following through with said hug and kiss. (If the girl struggles against it -- physically demonstrating that she doesn't want it -- then I'd re-evaluate.) -- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care |
#18
|
|||
|
|||
dragonlady wrote:
In article , LisaBell wrote: On Tue, 28 Jun 2005 16:26:59 EDT, Scott wrote: If you don't want the answer to be no -- and then have a meltdown -- don't ask the question. It's really that simple. I suggest you change the routine so that your wife just hugs and kisses your daughter, but doesn't do any asking. Of course, at some point, you'll have a daughter not wanting a hug/kiss. At which point you have this interaction: Daughter: I don't want a hug/kiss. Mother: You don't have to. I'm doing this for me. hug, kiss. Bye. In principle I'd agree that with younger kids like the OP's limiting the choices might be best (which didn't cure my indecisive DD, btw), but I would be wary of applying it to something like kisses and hugs. I believe it is current wisdom (ie- not merely my own) that physical affection should never be forced on a child, and that children should be taught that they have absolute power in deciding to welcome or decline physical affection. --Lisa bell Mom to Gabriella (6.5) and the indecisive Michaela (5) I've always thought the absolute power thing was to reduce the chance for abuse. In general, I agree -- kids should have power over their own bodies, and the right to refuse physical affection. In this case, however, it is clear that the little girl DOES want hugs and kisses from mommie -- she just sometimes says "no", then melts down after it's too late. In this case, I think that using common sense would say that the general rule about giving kids autonomy over thier bodies is not violated by having Mom just announce it's time for a kiss goodbye, then following through with said hug and kiss. (If the girl struggles against it -- physically demonstrating that she doesn't want it -- then I'd re-evaluate.) I agree with that - if the child is declining her mom's physical affection at this age then there are more problems than just not being able to make decisions. I regarded the 'have power over their bodies' as being for non-parental type affection demonstrations. For instance my great aunt Ethel used to always say to me " Come into my arms you bunch of charms", and would want a kiss. I gave it to her, but it wasn't one of the things that I particularly enjoyed. In our case, I think it would have hurt great aunt Ethel very much if I had refused to hug her, and there wasn't any abuse on her part - I was just not a very touchee feelee type person. I have to force myself to remember that my mom wants a hug from me when I visit. It isn't something I would do if I didn't know that it meant a lot to her. Ditto with my DIL - I hug her because she expects it. grandma Rosalie |
#19
|
|||
|
|||
On Tue, 28 Jun 2005 15:53:53 EDT, Richard wrote:
My 32mo daughter often says "no" when she means "yes". As a simple example, my wife leaves in the morning before I do (I take DD to daycare). As my wife is leaving, she'll ask DD for good-bye hugs and kisses. DD sometimes says, no, she doesn't want any. Maybe she's playing and doesn't want to be distracted, sometimes she's just exercising her toddler's prerogative to say no. She doesn't want any hugs, of course, until the minute my wife is gone. Then, after it's too late, she starts her pleading, "Mommy huggie! Mommy huggie!" "It's too late, Sweetheart. Mommy's at work now." Meltdown, tears and all. I wonder if there's any chance your daughter thinks she's responding to the question "Do you want Mummy to leave now?" Louise |
#20
|
|||
|
|||
In article ,
"Rosalie B." wrote: dragonlady wrote: In article , LisaBell wrote: On Tue, 28 Jun 2005 16:26:59 EDT, Scott wrote: If you don't want the answer to be no -- and then have a meltdown -- don't ask the question. It's really that simple. I suggest you change the routine so that your wife just hugs and kisses your daughter, but doesn't do any asking. Of course, at some point, you'll have a daughter not wanting a hug/kiss. At which point you have this interaction: Daughter: I don't want a hug/kiss. Mother: You don't have to. I'm doing this for me. hug, kiss. Bye. In principle I'd agree that with younger kids like the OP's limiting the choices might be best (which didn't cure my indecisive DD, btw), but I would be wary of applying it to something like kisses and hugs. I believe it is current wisdom (ie- not merely my own) that physical affection should never be forced on a child, and that children should be taught that they have absolute power in deciding to welcome or decline physical affection. --Lisa bell Mom to Gabriella (6.5) and the indecisive Michaela (5) I've always thought the absolute power thing was to reduce the chance for abuse. In general, I agree -- kids should have power over their own bodies, and the right to refuse physical affection. In this case, however, it is clear that the little girl DOES want hugs and kisses from mommie -- she just sometimes says "no", then melts down after it's too late. In this case, I think that using common sense would say that the general rule about giving kids autonomy over thier bodies is not violated by having Mom just announce it's time for a kiss goodbye, then following through with said hug and kiss. (If the girl struggles against it -- physically demonstrating that she doesn't want it -- then I'd re-evaluate.) I agree with that - if the child is declining her mom's physical affection at this age then there are more problems than just not being able to make decisions. I regarded the 'have power over their bodies' as being for non-parental type affection demonstrations. Actually, for parental affection, too. If you teach your children that they have the right to say "no" to ANYONE who wants a hug and kiss -- even Mom and Dad -- the theory is that they'll be in a stronger position to resist inappropriate touch. Since most molesters are well known to their victims -- and most start with touch that IS OK -- it can be very hard for a child to say "no" if their wishes have been not honored, or for the child to even really believe they have the right to say "no". For instance my great aunt Ethel used to always say to me " Come into my arms you bunch of charms", and would want a kiss. I gave it to her, but it wasn't one of the things that I particularly enjoyed. Yes, I can remember that as a child, too -- being subject to hugs and kisses that made me uncomfortable. I've always wondered if it is one of the things that made me more vulnerable to being molested. With my own kids, I always respected their desires to NOT be hugged and kissed by anyone, even Grandma and Grandpa. Yes, it might hurt their feelings, but I believe that this autonomy of body is critical to REAL reduction of the possiblity of harm. "Stranger danger" doesn't really do much to lessen the possibility of harm -- but I believe that teaching a child that he or she has the right to say "no" to ANY physical contact with anyone at all does give them more protection. In our case, I think it would have hurt great aunt Ethel very much if I had refused to hug her, and there wasn't any abuse on her part - I was just not a very touchee feelee type person. I have to force myself to remember that my mom wants a hug from me when I visit. It isn't something I would do if I didn't know that it meant a lot to her. Ditto with my DIL - I hug her because she expects it. -- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care |
|
Thread Tools | |
Display Modes | |
|
|
Similar Threads | ||||
Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
kids in new relationship - advice needed ! | Ian S | General | 6 | March 12th 05 11:08 AM |
misc.kids FAQ on Breastfeeding Past the First Year | [email protected] | Info and FAQ's | 0 | February 28th 05 05:26 AM |
16mo only eats babyfood & will not self feed...advice needed | Kathy | General | 6 | January 11th 05 06:23 PM |
misc.kids FAQ on Breastfeeding Past the First Year | [email protected] | Info and FAQ's | 0 | December 29th 04 05:26 AM |
misc.kids FAQ on Breastfeeding Past the First Year | [email protected] | Info and FAQ's | 0 | November 28th 04 05:16 AM |