DH not really "interested" - advice?

Hi all. I need some help. Or at least some consolation, maybe?

I'm about 30 weeks along, and DH just isn't interested in me anymore.
He's very excited about the baby, and he is, in pretty much all
respects, a wonderful husband. But lately it seems he'd prefer
"taking care of things himself," with or without the help of internet
porn, which also seems to have become a staple in his daily life. I
even have reason to believe he might be involved in, or considering
involvement in, an online sexual "relationship." (I do NOT think he
is considering meeting anyone in person and don't feel he'd ever
physically cheat on me). I know for some, perhaps many, of you, this
probably sounds ridiculous. And I know that it may be foolish that it
makes me feel as rejected and insecure as it does, but it does. And
the fact of the matter is that although I know I am not exactly
centerfold material these days, my libido has only gotten stronger in
the last few weeks -- so I am upset about being shut off in addition
to being "replaced" by fantasies.

I know fantasies are just fantasies and I am positive my husband has
been faithful, but if anyone could even offer words of consolation,
I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

Well, you're not alone, and your situation doesn't sound ridiculous at all.
As for the porn issue, IME most straight guys like looking at pictures of
naked women, some more than others. As for the online "relationship", I
can't really be much help with that, but if it's bothering you, you should
discuss it with DH (as with all this stuff - might be best to get it out in
the open).

But I can relate to your situation, and your feelings of rejection and
insecurity are normal. I'm no expert, but I'd say there could be a few
reasons that DH may be turned off to sex with you - if he's anything like my
DH, it might have to do with being preoccupied with knowing there's a
growing baby inside you and thinking that he might hurt it during
intercourse (it's highly unlikely that this would happen, but I could never
convince DH otherwise). Also, some guys think pregnant women are sexy, some
really don't. Luck of the draw, I guess.

It's tough to deal with, especially if your libido is higher than usual
(also normal during pg), your emotions are more volatile and your DH is
otherwise being wonderful and supportive and loving and all that. It took me
a while to realize that the situation is temporary and that DH doesn't love
me any less, he just has his own issues with the pregnant body. My only
advice is to a) talk it out and b) take matters into your own hands, if you
know what I mean, just as DH has. Hope this helps.

--
Melissa
Baby Harry due 7/27/04
(remove "NOSPAM" to reply)

"Carol" wrote in message
...
Hi all. I need some help. Or at least some consolation, maybe?

I'm about 30 weeks along, and DH just isn't interested in me anymore.
He's very excited about the baby, and he is, in pretty much all
respects, a wonderful husband. But lately it seems he'd prefer
"taking care of things himself," with or without the help of internet
porn, which also seems to have become a staple in his daily life. I
even have reason to believe he might be involved in, or considering
involvement in, an online sexual "relationship." (I do NOT think he
is considering meeting anyone in person and don't feel he'd ever
physically cheat on me). I know for some, perhaps many, of you, this
probably sounds ridiculous. And I know that it may be foolish that it
makes me feel as rejected and insecure as it does, but it does. And
the fact of the matter is that although I know I am not exactly
centerfold material these days, my libido has only gotten stronger in
the last few weeks -- so I am upset about being shut off in addition
to being "replaced" by fantasies.

I know fantasies are just fantasies and I am positive my husband has
been faithful, but if anyone could even offer words of consolation,
I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

Carol writes:
: Hi all. I need some help. Or at least some consolation, maybe?

: I'm about 30 weeks along, and DH just isn't interested in me anymore.
: He's very excited about the baby, and he is, in pretty much all
: respects, a wonderful husband. But lately it seems he'd prefer
: "taking care of things himself," with or without the help of internet
: porn, which also seems to have become a staple in his daily life. I
: even have reason to believe he might be involved in, or considering
: involvement in, an online sexual "relationship." (I do NOT think he
: is considering meeting anyone in person and don't feel he'd ever
: physically cheat on me). I know for some, perhaps many, of you, this
: probably sounds ridiculous. And I know that it may be foolish that it
: makes me feel as rejected and insecure as it does, but it does. And
: the fact of the matter is that although I know I am not exactly
: centerfold material these days, my libido has only gotten stronger in
: the last few weeks -- so I am upset about being shut off in addition
: to being "replaced" by fantasies.

: I know fantasies are just fantasies and I am positive my husband has
: been faithful, but if anyone could even offer words of consolation,
: I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

Hmmm. I hope this is helpful...

First I think you need to talk with your DH about your relationship
and *YOUR* needs. I would not suggest saying anything about him
"taking care of himself", but concentrate on the the issue that you
may need some intimacy, too, and that he seems more "distant" now.

Some husbands are reluctant to have sex with their wife during pregnacy
because they think it may "hurt the baby." You may need to talk with
your OB or midwife and have him or her reassure your husband that it
will not hurt to have sex with you.

He may also be afraid to approach you because he doesn't know how to
do it. Obviously, the male superior position is difficult if not
impossible by now, but woman sitting on top, or woman on her back with
knees up in the air, and male lying on his side and entering from below
works quite well. There are positions where the man doesn't have to
"lie on the baby."

When he learns that you *are* interested, that it will not hurt the
baby, and that you want the intimacy with him, it may well change his
mind.

Larry

Wow, you are very tolerant. I don't know what I would do if DH was into
cyber sex and internet porn. Although I understand that he may be afraid to
hurt the baby, I still don't like the idea of a man turning to any type of
porn to pleasure himself when he's got a perfectly good wife right next to
him (unless you're watching porn together of course).



Admittedly, DH and I have not done the "deed" in over 5 weeks just because I
had two miscarriages in the past, and now I'm 7 weeks pg and frankly, a
little nervous about doing "it" so, I just tell him "go smack the monkey in
the shower or something dear". He just laughs and says "no, that's ok...
I'll wait for you"



I guess every husband is different, and every wife is too for that matter.
If DH ever turned to internet porn for pleasure (especially if it became a
habit) I would say "shape up or ship out!" but that's just me. Like I said.
you're very tolerant.



Fantasies should not involve interaction with other people. even if they are
on the other side of the world. I really don't think it's healthy for your
relationship and you should talk to him about it. You're 30 week pg. The
last thing you need is for a DH to turn to other women to satisfy his
primitive desires when YOU'RE the one whose needs need to be met.



Good luck sweety.


"Carol" wrote in message
...
Hi all. I need some help. Or at least some consolation, maybe?

I'm about 30 weeks along, and DH just isn't interested in me anymore.
He's very excited about the baby, and he is, in pretty much all
respects, a wonderful husband. But lately it seems he'd prefer
"taking care of things himself," with or without the help of internet
porn, which also seems to have become a staple in his daily life. I
even have reason to believe he might be involved in, or considering
involvement in, an online sexual "relationship." (I do NOT think he
is considering meeting anyone in person and don't feel he'd ever
physically cheat on me). I know for some, perhaps many, of you, this
probably sounds ridiculous. And I know that it may be foolish that it
makes me feel as rejected and insecure as it does, but it does. And
the fact of the matter is that although I know I am not exactly
centerfold material these days, my libido has only gotten stronger in
the last few weeks -- so I am upset about being shut off in addition
to being "replaced" by fantasies.

I know fantasies are just fantasies and I am positive my husband has
been faithful, but if anyone could even offer words of consolation,
I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

"Carol" wrote in message
...
I know fantasies are just fantasies and I am positive my husband has
been faithful, but if anyone could even offer words of consolation,
I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

Hi Carol,

No real advice, just a little consolation. My husband was absolutely,
positively not interested in anything remotely intimate with me during the
final trimester. I, on the other hand, found myself all of a sudden
interested. I talked with him, told him how I felt, reassured him that
sex wouldn't hurt the baby. He nodded right along with me, but still
preferred the internet porn. What can I say; I guess I just got one of those
guys who don't find pregnant women remotely attractive, but he was too nice
to tell me straight to my face.

As it turned out, the tables were turned after birth when suddenly I had a
more normal shape and he was interested but I was not. It was probably about
3 months before I wanted anything to do with him. Eventually, though,
everything gets back to normal, and it doesn't take as long as you'd think.


Personally, I'm not fond of my hubby's porn habit, but normally it isn't the
worst thing in the world. I just see it as one fault in an otherwise pretty
decent person that I love very much. Except, as you said, when you are
already feeling insecure because of the pregnancy. Personally, though, an
online sexual relationship would be way beyond my comfort level. That is the
point where I would have said, "have fun with your online buddy, the baby
and I are going home to my mom." You have to decide for yourself, though,
what exactly you are comfortable with, and what you think has the potential
to damage your relationship. Then I'd let him know exactly what you think is
acceptable and what you consider cheating.

-Michelle

"Carol" wrote in message
...
Hi all. I need some help. Or at least some consolation, maybe?

I know fantasies are just fantasies and I am positive my husband has
been faithful, but if anyone could even offer words of consolation,
I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

Hi there, Carol-

I don't have any solutions, but I can offer some consolation. What you're
experiencing is fairly normal, and it's no reflection on your desirability,
the love you and your husband share, or your relationship. I think that
sometimes guys just freak out a little bit as their wives get further along
in their pregnancies. Maybe he's nervous about being a dad, maybe he's
afraid he'll hurt you or the baby, maybe he's just feeling overwhelmed at
taking on all this new responsibility. Chances are excellent things will
return to normal after you recover from the birth.

You aren't alone in this. Try not to take it personally.

Donna

I'm sure things will get back to normal, but what makes you think the hubby
is thinking about an online relationship? Online porn is basically the same
as DVD or VHS porn, just on the computer.... and what can I say, guys like
porn. Pretty much ALL guys. If you show me a guy who says he doesn't like
porn, I'll show you a liar, some may deny it, some may not talk about it or
be embarassed, but they all love it. The cybersex thing though, that's not
so common.

Talk to hubby, and here's an idea that would be SURE to get his attention,
suggest watching some of porn together if you don't already (he'd be REALLY
into that), there is porn available written by women for women, more
romantic, less ummm.... "slimy" I guess you could say , with an actual
plot (ok it won't be winning any Emmys but it's something and a decent
compromise if you don't want to endure the hard core stuff guys like). Or
suggest acting out some of the scenes in the porn, nevermind getting his
attention, he'd be AT attention very quickly .

- a guy

"Carol" wrote in message
...
Hi all. I need some help. Or at least some consolation, maybe?

I'm about 30 weeks along, and DH just isn't interested in me anymore.
He's very excited about the baby, and he is, in pretty much all
respects, a wonderful husband. But lately it seems he'd prefer
"taking care of things himself," with or without the help of internet
porn, which also seems to have become a staple in his daily life. I
even have reason to believe he might be involved in, or considering
involvement in, an online sexual "relationship." (I do NOT think he
is considering meeting anyone in person and don't feel he'd ever
physically cheat on me). I know for some, perhaps many, of you, this
probably sounds ridiculous. And I know that it may be foolish that it
makes me feel as rejected and insecure as it does, but it does. And
the fact of the matter is that although I know I am not exactly
centerfold material these days, my libido has only gotten stronger in
the last few weeks -- so I am upset about being shut off in addition
to being "replaced" by fantasies.

I know fantasies are just fantasies and I am positive my husband has
been faithful, but if anyone could even offer words of consolation,
I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

"Jenny D" wrote in message . ..
I just tell him "go smack the monkey in
the shower or something dear".
Now that is funny I'll remmber that one

I guess every husband is different, and every wife is too for that matter.
If DH ever turned to internet porn for pleasure (especially if it became a
habit) I would say "shape up or ship out!" but that's just me. Like I said.
you're very tolerant.



Fantasies should not involve interaction with other people. even if they are
on the other side of the world. I really don't think it's healthy for your
relationship and you should talk to him about it. You're 30 week pg. The
last thing you need is for a DH to turn to other women to satisfy his
primitive desires when YOU'RE the one whose needs need to be met.



Good luck sweety.
I totally agree with her. You never know for sure what people will do.
And it may just be an internet fantasy thing going on, but there is
still that other person on the other end. There should be no 'other
person' in any regards, only you! You're his wife.
Definately find out what his issue is with having sex, because he
shouldn't be turning to other alternatives when it's completely
available from the source he should be getting his gratification
from... you.

LOL - sorry. Had to laugh at that!
"Rob" wrote in message news:i0EJc.58176$

Or suggest acting out some of the scenes in the porn, nevermind getting his
attention, he'd be AT attention very quickly .

- a guy

Thanks everyone for the advice. I'm sorry it took me so long to
respond -- I use "Google Groups," and it takes upwards of 8 hours for
my message and your responses to pop up for me.

A lot of you suggested I talk to DH -- I should have been clearer in
my original post that this is all well-covered territory between us.
He knows I hate the porn "habit," and I know he denies it is a habit
(He could be right -- he only does it when I've already left for work
or when he's at work... I still think that's too much, as it is still
part of his daily life, and still is often a follow-up to refusal of
intimacy with me, but part why I hate it has to do with my own
insecurities which have been around looooong before the pregnancy).
Anyway, we've also discussed the whole "you're not hurting the baby"
issue, and he knows that, too. He just... isn't attracted to me. He
says he is, but he's not. It used to be that he couldn't get enough
of me. Now, I feel like a "sympathy f**k" once in a while is the best
I get.

As far as the "online relationship," I really hope I was wrong. That
all started with me finding out he'd created a couple of online
profiles (I found this out by having an e-mail notification pop up
when I used his computer --"SexKitten has responded to your profile"
-- THAT was a pleasant surprise), one on a site for cybersex, one on a
site for arranging casual encounters. I confronted him, and he
immediately apologized. He said the profile on the cybersex site was
made so he could look at the porn also available on the site, and the
"casual encounter" profile was made because he was curious to see if
anyone we knew had made a profile out there, since it was such an
embarassing site to be out "advertising" on (this is actually the kind
of thing I can see him doing, so it is feasible). In any event, as he
showed me, both profiles were made with fake names and addresses and
without a credit card so he couldn't access anything out there after
the first time, when he registered. I believe him. He's never given
me any reason not to. But it still bothers me, even if he never
actually considered anything, even if he was being completely honest.

Anyway, everything is out in the open now... Hopefully, things will
be better. It's just hard for me. I already love this life inside
me, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that I really, really MISS
what I used to look like, and the fact that after a really bad day I
could have a drink, and the fact that my husband would look at me like
I was the sexiest thing he'd ever seen... I hope I'm not a bad mother
for feeling that way.

Thanks again for all the help & advice.