kids in new relationship - advice needed !

Hi,

My partner and I bought a house together about a year ago now. The problem I
seem to have is with my partner's two daughters aged 22 and 26, neither of
whom live with us. They come and go as they please, use things in the house
without asking, and yet if I try to assert my authority in any way they
immediately run to their mother complaining I've been nasty to them. For
example, the other Sunday was Mothers Day. Their mum was very upset, as on
the day, neither daughter had bothered to send or bring round a card, and
didn't even ring or send a SMS text on the day. Two days later when I saw
the girls (they turned up at the house and proceeded to use the computer,
make some phone calls, help themselves to some food and use their mum's hair
straighteners), I felt that they were taking liberties and mentioned that
their mum was not impressed by their lack of thought on Mother's Day. That
evening, the younger of the two phones her mother to say that I had had a
real go at her and that she had gone home in tears, even though this is not
what happened.They also complained about me to my partner's mother (their
grandmother) and also to their 15 year old brother who lives at home with
us.

My partner then hits the roof about me upsetting her children and making
them cry and is really angry with me for days afterewards.She says that as
they are not my children, I have no right to tell them off about anything !
(I thought I was supporting her !) I really don't know how to handle this.
In any case they are not children, they are *adults* and should be able to
deal with issues face to face without running to their mother with
exaggerated reports of what I said or did everytime. It seems like their Mum
wants me to turn a blind eye to anything they do or say in the house and
never remonstrate with them,just to keep the peace but it's my house too -
surely have a right to voice my opinion too ?!

Any advice gratefully accepted !

In article , Ian S says...

Hi,

My partner and I bought a house together about a year ago now. The problem I
seem to have is with my partner's two daughters aged 22 and 26, neither of
whom live with us. They come and go as they please, use things in the house
without asking, and yet if I try to assert my authority in any way they
immediately run to their mother complaining I've been nasty to them. For
example, the other Sunday was Mothers Day. Their mum was very upset, as on
the day, neither daughter had bothered to send or bring round a card, and
didn't even ring or send a SMS text on the day. Two days later when I saw
the girls (they turned up at the house and proceeded to use the computer,
make some phone calls, help themselves to some food and use their mum's hair
straighteners), I felt that they were taking liberties and mentioned that
their mum was not impressed by their lack of thought on Mother's Day. That
evening, the younger of the two phones her mother to say that I had had a
real go at her and that she had gone home in tears, even though this is not
what happened.They also complained about me to my partner's mother (their
grandmother) and also to their 15 year old brother who lives at home with
us.

My partner then hits the roof about me upsetting her children and making
them cry and is really angry with me for days afterewards.She says that as
they are not my children, I have no right to tell them off about anything !
(I thought I was supporting her !) I really don't know how to handle this.
In any case they are not children, they are *adults* and should be able to
deal with issues face to face without running to their mother with
exaggerated reports of what I said or did everytime. It seems like their Mum
wants me to turn a blind eye to anything they do or say in the house and
never remonstrate with them,just to keep the peace but it's my house too -
surely have a right to voice my opinion too ?!

Any advice gratefully accepted !




Well, you do have a problem, and you have needs in the relationship that aren't
being fulfilled. You'll need to make a proposal to your partner as to some
arrangement that is workable for both of you, and negotiate.

But first you need to understand about boundaries. What really are *your*
needs.

It is not a need of yours what your partner gets on Mother's Day. That's for
her to work out with her daughters.

It is not a need of yours that her daughters stay out of her hair straightener.
If they start getting into your shaving cream, THEN you have a concern.

You have to accept that your partner has a certain relationship with her
daughters; that's a need of *hers*, and you really should have noticed it before
you made this arrangement, and not have expected it to fundamentally change.
That's not to say that it shoudln't change enough to allow you to be comfortable
in the household you share.

It does sound like they're getting into a lot of stuff that is household stuff
(food, phone, maybe the computer is..?) and generally being underfoot and
overhead in a way and for a portion of your time that you can't relax and have a
decent relationship with your partner. And, yes, they are adults.

So what I recommend is that you sit down and write out your concerns, strike out
the stuff that really doesn't relate to you, and circle the stuff that does.
Then think about how to propose an arrangement that allows your partner her
need, which is a fairly extensive relationship with her daughters, and your
needs. Things like, let the weekday evenings in your household be just you your
partner and her younger child, and the daughters can hang out on weekends. OR
something like that. And whatever other needs you have. (Say it's your
computer - they can stay off your computer. Get their own palm pilots. Or
whatever.)

But you need to look at this from a POV of what your needs really are and
asserting these, and stop trying to engineer the relationship between your
partner and her grown daughters, aside from that.

And there's a really great newsgroup you could take this to -
alt.support.marriage. You dont' have to be actually married. I'm single; I
mostly just lurk there.

Cheers,
Banty

In article , Ian S says...


...wait.

Are you the Ian with the ever-changing ages of kids (as in, aside from simply
getting a year old year by year...) and numbers of kids, posting various
troubles and woes?

My apologies if you're not.

Banty

Banty wrote:
In article , Ian S says...


..wait.

Are you the Ian with the ever-changing ages of kids (as in, aside
from simply
getting a year old year by year...) and numbers of kids, posting
various
troubles and woes?

My apologies if you're not.

That Ian seems to me to have a much more formal writing style.

Beth

"Banty" wrote in message
...
And there's a really great newsgroup you could take this to -
alt.support.marriage.


Or alt.support.step-parents.

In article , tracert says...


"Banty" wrote in message
...
And there's a really great newsgroup you could take this to -
alt.support.marriage.


Or alt.support.step-parents.



Yes - another GREAT group I lurk in sometimes.

Banty

I think I agree with the advice given by other people about working out
what is acceptable behaviour with your partner. Certainly I would
consider it normal for adult children visiting home to help themselves
to the food around the house, and make reasonable use of the telephone
and computer. Though, clearly there are limits, e.g. when making
expensive calls, or eating something obviously "special" I'd think it
reasonable to ask first. Your partner may feel the same.

Cheers,

Ross-c