time outs?

Recently my daughter had a friend over and together they both had an
accident and while playing broke something. Hey accidents happen. What
happened next bothered me. I came running into the room and saw the
item broken and looked at the two girls (mine 8,the other 6). Mine was
there cleaning up, but the other had moved to a corner of the room and
was facing the wall.

I asked what happened and my daughter explained, and while upset that
the item was broken, I understood that it was an accident. I then when
to the other child and asked her what she was doing. Sh said that she
was taking her "time out" because she had done a "bad thing".

Now, it's not my place to raise my neighbors kids, but this isn't
somethiong I have ever done to a child (and now I can see that I was
right). Rather than taking the time to explain the object lesson, so
the incident won't be repeated, the child was punnished with "time
out".

My response was to take the young girl out of the corner and sit her
down with my daughter and cover the series of events that led to the
breakage. I asked if there were times and places where they could do
things differently and have avoided the incident. We discussed options
and which were good, better and best. We talked about the incident,
not as "you did something bad", but as, "these things happen for a
reason and you had better choices that you could have made that would
have avoided it."

Between the two of them, and about 10 minutes of my time, I was able
to use the experience as an object lesson and a learning opportunity.
When I was done the younger child looked at me and said, "what about
our time out?"

Here I was at a loss. How do you explain that punnishment won't repair
the item, and that the goal is not to punnish, but to make sure that
the lesson is learned on making better choices and not repeating the
incident or a similar one? I explained that while I was angry about
the loss, that accidents happen and that they are learning
opportunies, so you don't make them again. That a "time out" wasn't
used in our house because the goal is to learn from our mistakes.

As I left the room she said to my daughter, "I wish I had your
parents." While I consider that a fine compliment, I also am concerned
as I have obviously introduced into the neighbors family a concept
that they obviously don't share.

http://www.edu4kids.com/ - Education 4 Kids, a great place to learn.

As I left the room she said to my daughter, "I wish I had your
parents." While I consider that a fine compliment, I also am concerned
as I have obviously introduced into the neighbors family a concept
that they obviously don't share.

As you should be. It was not your place to alter the child's form of
discipline. She was obviously prepared to accept the consequences of her
actions as she had been taught to, and IMO you should've left well enough
alone.

Also IMO there are times when children should be punished for their actions, if
what they are doing is knowingly against established rules.

P. Tierney wrote:
"ivler" wrote:

As I left the room she said to my daughter, "I wish I had your
parents."

Which can't lead anywhere positive.

It could, if you stop the kid and ask them why. Growing up I said that
phrase many times, not wishing for completely different parents, but at
least the quirk of the moment I was impressed with.

Laurel

When I was done the younger child looked at me and said, "what about
our time out?"

Here I was at a loss.

I would have just said something like, "If you would like to take a time out,
you certainly may, after you finish helping clean up the mess." And if she
pursued it, explained that time outs as punishment were not something we did in
our house, without explaining the reasons.

As I left the room she said to my daughter, "I wish I had your
parents." While I consider that a fine compliment, I also am concerned
as I have obviously introduced into the neighbors family a concept
that they obviously don't share.

Well, I think all kids that age sometimes wish they had someone else's parents,
for all kinds of reasons. I remember wishing I had the parents of the kids
down the street whose mother gave them ice cream as an after-school snack. So
I wouldn't make too much of this. Depending how well you know her parents, you
might call and just tell them what happened, so that they won't be blindsided
if their daughter starts with the, "But Soanso's mom doesn't make Soandso take
a time out!"

What you should NOT do is get all self righteous about how your methods are so
superior to the neighbors' (assuming, of course, we're not talking about an
abuse situation). That kind of thing will get you in trouble fast. But
there's nothing wrong with applying your own set of rules when other people's
children are playing in your house and under your care.

You can explain that your household rules are different from another child's
parents' without saying that the other parents' rules are wrong.

Holly
Mom to Camden, 2.5 yrs

"SuperEeyore" wrote:
GI Trekker wrote:
As you should be. It was not your place to alter the child's form of
discipline. She was obviously prepared to accept the consequences of
her actions as she had been taught to, and IMO you should've left
well enough alone.

I don't agree. My best friend in kindergarten was raised by spankers.
If she were to misbehave at our house, were my parents suposed to get the
switch or the belt out?

Imo, a faulty analogy at the least. I would have to agree with the advice:
"Leave well enough alone." It wouldn't be your parents place to disipline
one way or the other. Just let it be.


Laurel

--
Dennis

wrote:
"SuperEeyore" wrote:
GI Trekker wrote:
As you should be. It was not your place to alter the child's form of
discipline. She was obviously prepared to accept the consequences of
her actions as she had been taught to, and IMO you should've left
well enough alone.

I don't agree. My best friend in kindergarten was raised by
spankers. If she were to misbehave at our house, were my parents
suposed to get the switch or the belt out?

Imo, a faulty analogy at the least. I would have to agree with the
advice: "Leave well enough alone." It wouldn't be your parents place
to disipline one way or the other. Just let it be.

Left her standing in a corner? =oP

I'm sorry some of the best discipline learning situations I've ever been
through were with other people's parents. And if it wasn't clarified
enough, that parent mentioned the situation to my parents and said what part
I was having trouble with.

Laurel

"SuperEeyore" wrote:
wrote:
"SuperEeyore" wrote:
GI Trekker wrote:
As you should be. It was not your place to alter the child's form of
discipline. She was obviously prepared to accept the consequences of
her actions as she had been taught to, and IMO you should've left
well enough alone.

I don't agree. My best friend in kindergarten was raised by
spankers. If she were to misbehave at our house, were my parents
suposed to get the switch or the belt out?

Imo, a faulty analogy at the least. I would have to agree with the
advice: "Leave well enough alone." It wouldn't be your parents place
to disipline one way or the other. Just let it be.

Left her standing in a corner? =oP

Maybe. Kids are going to be kids. You are the parent. You say to your
child;"OK, no damage done." "Let's get back to play." Then how long do
you think the child will stay standing in the corner? It's the kid's deal.
Easy fix. No?


I'm sorry some of the best discipline learning situations I've ever been
through were with other people's parents. And if it wasn't clarified
enough, that parent mentioned the situation to my parents and said what
part I was having trouble with.

That is well and good for you in your situations. Parenting can not be
painted with a broad brush though. One size does not fit all, and the
parents of the child mentioned in this situation may not be agreeable as
your parents were. It sounds as though you were fortunate and learned
much.


Laurel

--
Dennis

"ivler" wrote in message
...
| Recently my daughter had a friend over and together they both had an
| accident and while playing broke something. Hey accidents happen. What
| happened next bothered me. I came running into the room and saw the
| item broken and looked at the two girls (mine 8,the other 6). Mine was
| there cleaning up, but the other had moved to a corner of the room and
| was facing the wall.


This action on the younger girls part makes me think of domination and fear,
not punishment. She knew it was an accident, but also knew that at home, she
would be given a time out regardless of the "excuse". I too went through
something similar (as the child). I was at my uncles house. I broke a glass
and instantly went to his room, got his belt and pulled my pants down and
waited... He was quite upset that i was "trained" like that...

Just an example (extreme I'm sure) of what I am trying to get across by fear
and domination. Not saying the neighbors are bad parents btw. :-)

|
| Now, it's not my place to raise my neighbors kids, but this isn't
| somethiong I have ever done to a child (and now I can see that I was
| right). Rather than taking the time to explain the object lesson, so
| the incident won't be repeated, the child was punnished with "time
| out".

Our niece gets time outs still. I don't know if I will do the same to Alegra
or not as it breaks my heart to do it. But that is all she has known (My
mother raised her for a couple years) and it is really all she responds to.
Thankfully when Kris was born, I did a heavy campagne to abolish spankings
and go on to time outs. It was a compromise, but nothing like what it would
have been like had I just kept my mouth shut... She no longer lives with us
full time or I would work on positive parenting instead... I am trying to
give my sister as much information as possible (she asks for it, I dont just
offer it)


|
| Between the two of them, and about 10 minutes of my time, I was able
| to use the experience as an object lesson and a learning opportunity.
| When I was done the younger child looked at me and said, "what about
| our time out?"

Again, a sign of being "trained" by her parents. But I really don't know
what I would have done in the situation. I don't even know if that would be
considered a bad thing or not.. Being trained like that I mean. Because it
could also be thought of as having a very good child.. By some people
anyway.

|
| Here I was at a loss. How do you explain that punnishment won't repair
| the item, and that the goal is not to punnish, but to make sure that
| the lesson is learned on making better choices and not repeating the
| incident or a similar one? I explained that while I was angry about
| the loss, that accidents happen and that they are learning
| opportunies, so you don't make them again. That a "time out" wasn't
| used in our house because the goal is to learn from our mistakes.
|
| As I left the room she said to my daughter, "I wish I had your
| parents." While I consider that a fine compliment, I also am concerned
| as I have obviously introduced into the neighbors family a concept
| that they obviously don't share.
|


Depending on how close you are with the girls parents. I would suggest
bringing the incident up to them and see what they suggest. Also, make sure
that you make it plain to them that if your daughter is at their house that
she does not get time outs...


--
LES!

Daddie to Alegra Lee. May 25th 2003!
"Daddie's Little Diva"

To send me an email, please remove your hat

I don't agree. My best friend in kindergarten was raised by spankers. If
she were to misbehave at our house, were my parents suposed to get the
switch or the belt out?

No, that would not have been appropriate. Look at the situation here. The CHILD
went into her OWN "time out". If she was willing to face the discipline she had
been raised with, which she could carry out HERSELF, she should have been left
to do so.

On 21 Aug 2003 22:51:25 GMT, (GI Trekker) wrote:

As you should be. It was not your place to alter the child's form of
discipline. She was obviously prepared to accept the consequences of her
actions as she had been taught to, and IMO you should've left well enough
alone.

But the consequence in this case was inappropriate. She was not
helping to clean up or to repair the item. Also, punishment for
accidental breakage is totally unproductive even if you believe in
punishment.

As far as that goes, btw, she was in the OP's home and she is
certainly able to understand that her friend's parents do things
differently than her parent's do.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..
Outer Limits