Could it be Postpardum depression? Worried.

My wife and I had a wonderful life. We dated for 7 years, and now have
been married for 5. Best friends, could talk about anything, and a
decent sex life (I always joke it could be better, but shes Catholic...
no disrespect meant.. smile).

We had our first child late 2005. While she was on ML she and I shared
responsibilies at least 50/50. I work from home so it was easy for me.

After 3 months she went back to work and I did full time care for our DD
from 7:30am until 4pm most days. I had no problem. I could get work
done durning naps and when she learned to hold her own bottle. It was
hard, business suffered a little (mainly not being able to take on new
clients), but it was WELL worth it.

Now it's summer (wife is a schoolteacher) and I'm catching up on work
missed and getting quite busy. So she's doing 80% of the care now while
I work (still at home).

Recenetly I've seen a change. Sex has dropped to nothing. Maybe once a
month or two. The closer we get to school starting again, the worse it
has gotten.

Also, she seems to want to buy more toys and things, and the closer to
school starting, the worse it gets. It started with a pool (our DD was
only 7 mos). That I said ok... since it was a little one we could use
on the deck or driveway and easily store.

A couple weeks ago it was "let's get a sandbox for the basement for this
winter.. she had fun in the sand the other day". I said no... no
sandbox in the house.

Then today it was "I am going to buy a swingset for DD. Can I borrow
the pickup?" DD just turned 10 mos and she showed me this elabority
swingset with swings, slides, rockcrawling walls, etc. Money isn't the
issue here, but I had to put my foot down and say no. I'm afraid next
week it will be a Porche!

We always say "we'll never have as many toys for our kids as so-in-so"
but it's easily getting there. The more I say "no more toys" the more
she finds at garage sales, and toys I don't even think are appropriate
for her age (mainly because our friends with 1-2year olds love the toys
and DD is happy with a metal pot and a wooden spoon).

Along with wanting to buy so many toys for her that are as i feel WAY
too early for her to even use, she is getting even more distant. The
closer it comes to going back to school, the worse it gets. In our
"prime" we could have easily talked about it. Now I am afraid to
approach her on this.

When school starts we do have Nannys coming to watch her for about 75%
of the time. The other times I will watch her. It seems like shes
feeling guilty about that, but at the same time realizing her summer
vacation isn't what it used to be having to do most of the child care
(which I did for months while she returned after ML and still ran my
business).

Sorry for rambling... just wondering what could be going on...

I do help out when I can. I do 1/2 the cleaning (always have), 90% of
the cooking, 99% of the yardwork and take care of 90% of the bills (my
wife doesn't cook at all) and always find time to do as much as I can
with DD.

But, I feel I'm losing my wife to something. PPD? Maybe?

On Tue, 15 Aug 2006 22:23:12 -0500, Legbuh
wrote:

Sorry for rambling... just wondering what could be going on...

I do help out when I can. I do 1/2 the cleaning (always have), 90% of
the cooking, 99% of the yardwork and take care of 90% of the bills (my
wife doesn't cook at all) and always find time to do as much as I can
with DD.

But, I feel I'm losing my wife to something. PPD? Maybe?

I want to mull this over before answering (have to get 6 yo up for her
first day back to school right now), but I wanted to say that PPD
doesn't usually show up late. If she had PPD, it would have been
there earlier, and you would have seen signs. Did you notice anything
when your dd was first born that would make you concerned?

Nan

I want to mull this over before answering (have to get 6 yo up for her
first day back to school right now), but I wanted to say that PPD
doesn't usually show up late. If she had PPD, it would have been
there earlier, and you would have seen signs. Did you notice anything
when your dd was first born that would make you concerned?

I understand that a depressive episode starting within 2 yrs of the birth of
a baby can be considered PPD. PPD seems to come on in two ways, one is baby
blues just not getting better after the birth, the other is things seeming
fine after the birth and then coming on gradually later.

Of the people I've known who've had severe postnatal depression (causing
hospitalisation), though there has been signs early on, the worst point has
been after the 6 month mark, so in a mild case it could be possible that
symptoms were easily hidden early one and now things are getting worse
things are more visible.

This case does sound a bit wierd, I'd not jump to the conclusion of PPD
straight away, but something doesn't sound right, I know shopping
unnecessarily is a symptom of some mental illnesses, but doesn't quite fit
in with PPD. I really think you have to talk to her, there is nothing you
can do without that. It does sound as if there may be bonding issues with
the baby, but that is not necessarily PPD, the buying of toys could be a
subconcious way of trying to make up for that. I wonder if you could suggest
some kind of activity for her to do with your DD, that fits her work
schedule, like taking her swimming, to give her time when all she has to do
is be with her.

Anne

I know where she is but I myself cannot explain it as she may not feel
the same exact way I did/do. I'm not/wasnt lost (per se) but it is
nothing that 'patience' and 'tender intimacy' (not sexual love) can
help to slowy regain ....

I didnt like any expectation on me to perform (and me and my husband
NEVER had a prob in our intimate dealings) ... but with so many
emotions, changes, increased expectations ... our together time seemed
different and not the same. It was hard for me to admit (as I am
strong headed) that I too wanted to be just cared for (and not in the
sense of having someone do dishes or take out the trash) but I wanted
an intimate relationship with my hubby (more intellectual yet deeper
from everything we already knew). New things were on my mind: new
things to be discussed: new agendas, thoughts, ideas, perspectives
that we had discussed or never discussed. And some of my opinions had
changed. When he listens to me - I find myself slowly getting closer
to him, wanting to tell him more ... wanting to hug him more ....
wanting to just love him for being him. And all he did was listen. He
was open to hearing me and what I had to say. Many times, I just
needed to get it out and didnt really have anything new but
occasionally, we DID need to discuss some things. (Am I talking too
ambiguously?)

Thankfully, he has finally figured this out and tries his best to stop
what he is doing and give me undivided attention even if its just for
30 minutes a day. On the other hand, I try to respect his time as he
too works out of the home. We are both driven people - but it is
important to make time for your relationship too.

Last thing: we bought our swing set early too. But it was the BEST
INVESTMENT ... out kids still play on it and my oldest is 11 years old.
Their favorite memories are in our backyard and how can you complain
about that?
I remember one year, money was tight and for my birthday, I wanted a
swing set for my boys. My oldest was 2; my youngest was a few months
old (about 5 months). It was our place to hang out until they learned
how to manage all the 'things'. The slide was a hit and later just a
sun shield for forts, then just a ramp to run up ... now just a trigger
for their good memories. (Oh they grow so fast)

In my prayers,

Janina


Legbuh wrote:
But, I feel I'm losing my wife to something. PPD? Maybe?

On Wed, 16 Aug 2006 13:29:13 +0100, "Anne Rogers"
wrote:

I want to mull this over before answering (have to get 6 yo up for her
first day back to school right now), but I wanted to say that PPD
doesn't usually show up late. If she had PPD, it would have been
there earlier, and you would have seen signs. Did you notice anything
when your dd was first born that would make you concerned?

I understand that a depressive episode starting within 2 yrs of the birth of
a baby can be considered PPD. PPD seems to come on in two ways, one is baby
blues just not getting better after the birth, the other is things seeming
fine after the birth and then coming on gradually later.

Yes, this is something that occurred to me while getting E ready for
school. However, the OP may look back and realize more subtle signs
were there earlier on, just not pronounced enough for anyone to make a
connection.

Of the people I've known who've had severe postnatal depression (causing
hospitalisation), though there has been signs early on, the worst point has
been after the 6 month mark, so in a mild case it could be possible that
symptoms were easily hidden early one and now things are getting worse
things are more visible.

This case does sound a bit wierd, I'd not jump to the conclusion of PPD
straight away, but something doesn't sound right, I know shopping
unnecessarily is a symptom of some mental illnesses, but doesn't quite fit
in with PPD.

Garden variety depression can manifest itself this way, also.

I really think you have to talk to her, there is nothing you
can do without that. It does sound as if there may be bonding issues with
the baby, but that is not necessarily PPD, the buying of toys could be a
subconcious way of trying to make up for that. I wonder if you could suggest
some kind of activity for her to do with your DD, that fits her work
schedule, like taking her swimming, to give her time when all she has to do
is be with her.

I agree that he needs to talk to her. That he's noticed it getting
worse as school gets closer, I wonder if there is underlying guilt
that she'll be going back to work.

Nan

Legbuh wrote:
My wife and I had a wonderful life. We dated for 7 years, and now have
been married for 5. Best friends, could talk about anything, and a
decent sex life (I always joke it could be better, but shes Catholic...
no disrespect meant.. smile).

We had our first child late 2005. While she was on ML she and I shared
responsibilies at least 50/50. I work from home so it was easy for me.

After 3 months she went back to work and I did full time care for our DD
from 7:30am until 4pm most days. I had no problem. I could get work
done durning naps and when she learned to hold her own bottle. It was
hard, business suffered a little (mainly not being able to take on new
clients), but it was WELL worth it.

Now it's summer (wife is a schoolteacher) and I'm catching up on work
missed and getting quite busy. So she's doing 80% of the care now while
I work (still at home).

Recenetly I've seen a change. Sex has dropped to nothing. Maybe once a
month or two. The closer we get to school starting again, the worse it
has gotten.

Not sure -- as someone with 'garden variety depression' it's
all-but-impossible to diagnose after reading this.

Also, she seems to want to buy more toys and things, and the closer to
school starting, the worse it gets. It started with a pool (our DD was
only 7 mos). That I said ok... since it was a little one we could use
on the deck or driveway and easily store.

A couple weeks ago it was "let's get a sandbox for the basement for this
winter.. she had fun in the sand the other day". I said no... no
sandbox in the house.

Then today it was "I am going to buy a swingset for DD. Can I borrow
the pickup?" DD just turned 10 mos and she showed me this elabority
swingset with swings, slides, rockcrawling walls, etc. Money isn't the
issue here, but I had to put my foot down and say no. I'm afraid next
week it will be a Porche!

We always say "we'll never have as many toys for our kids as so-in-so"
but it's easily getting there. The more I say "no more toys" the more
she finds at garage sales, and toys I don't even think are appropriate
for her age (mainly because our friends with 1-2year olds love the toys
and DD is happy with a metal pot and a wooden spoon).

Along with wanting to buy so many toys for her that are as i feel WAY
too early for her to even use, she is getting even more distant. The
closer it comes to going back to school, the worse it gets. In our
"prime" we could have easily talked about it. Now I am afraid to
approach her on this.

Re. the toys, though -- I'm coming from a different perspective, as
I've acquired toys and books from the dump that are way-too-early for
my kids to use, but the toys did turn out to be fun (or if not, they
went back to the 'take it/leave it'), especially during the winter. (DH
felt that getting a set of 'Happy Hollisters' and old 'Nancy Drew'
books at the dump when our eldest was almost 2 was pretty prescient,
not an example of just-plain acquisition of things...)

I guess what I find myself thinking is that your wife is also thinking
about winter and winter activities for when your DD is at home, and I
can't fault her for that. Your DD is happy with pots and pans, and in
six months, when she's walking about, perhaps something other than pots
and pans might be nice, especially if the weather there is horrible (as
it is here). (My standard summer approach is to get 'stuff' at the dump
and garage sales, then pull out a new thing every week or so in the
fall as a Great New Thing -- sort of an ant approach to storing up for
winter. Then in the spring, we return 'stuff' to the dump, presumably
to go through the same process for another family. Hey, I'm cheap.)

Caledonia

Also, she seems to want to buy more toys and things, and the closer to
school starting, the worse it gets.

I think she is trying to "buy" her lost freedom. I had a similar love for
shopping when my child was six month *and my husband returned to work* (he
stayed with us for six months).
Then I understand that I was buying things just to underline that I was
still able to do so. Better to buy the time of a baby sitter for some hours
;-)

Sorry for poor English.

--
Valentina, from Florence, Italy