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Etiquette Question - wedding invites



 
 
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  #11  
Old July 17th 06, 09:37 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Sarah Vaughan
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Posts: 443
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites

Anne Rogers wrote:

if they still don't want you there, then are these people really your
friends?


It's not them that the friends don't want there, it's the baby. I don't
think feeling that way has to be mutually exclusive with being friends.
Some people just aren't baby people. That doesn't mean they can't be
friends with people who are.


All the best,

Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell
  #12  
Old July 17th 06, 09:41 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Andrea Phillips
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Posts: 48
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites


KD wrote:

Question is, is this the norm for weddings? When I got married this
didn't even cross my mind, and I confess it didn't even occur to me
that DS wouldn't be welcome when we got the invite. I always thought
that weddings were a family celebration, and families do include
children. I can't see us spending all this cash to go, when the most
important member of my family isn't welcome.



Depends on the wedding. We specifically asked if our daughter was
invited to one wedding while she was still nursing, and the answer was
no children, so we declined to attend (and I had to make my husband
call to ask, too, he'd been asuming the baby WOULD be invited!). These
were friends of ours, and not family (and we were the first in our peer
group to have any kids o four own, which may have influenced their
attitude). While it's not the decision I would have made, it was their
wedding, and they were free to include or exclude children as they felt
necessary.

We've also been to a number of family weddings to which children WERE
invited. The way it's typically handled (in our experience) is that a
babysitter or two are hired to cope with the very small ones in the
bridal suite once the bridal party is done with the changing and the
kids are too tired to stay at the party, with the parents splitting the
sitting fees. This may or may not be possible for everyone depending on
the scale of the wedding and exactly how many children we're talking
about.

At any rate, the no-kids-allowed wedding is by no means a rare creature
around here. Most of the time, if the kids are invited, the invitation
will have everyone's names on it. If it isn't, we ask and then decide
if we're going from there.

  #13  
Old July 17th 06, 10:29 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
xkatx
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Posts: 690
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites


"Sarah Vaughan" wrote in message
...
xkatx wrote:
"KD" wrote in message
ups.com...
Greetings folks:

Just wanting to get some opinions from out there. We've been invited to
a wedding, which it will cost a fair bit for us to go to; car rental,
gas, clothing for me, wedding gift, etc.

Anyhow, we just learned that our five month old isn't welcome at the
reception, not even for just the dinner portion. The baby is
exclusively breastfed, not like I could just leave him with someone.
Even if he weren't, everyone I know in the area will be at the wedding,
there's no one to leave him with.

Question is, is this the norm for weddings? When I got married this
didn't even cross my mind, and I confess it didn't even occur to me
that DS wouldn't be welcome when we got the invite. I always thought
that weddings were a family celebration, and families do include
children. I can't see us spending all this cash to go, when the most
important member of my family isn't welcome.

What do you all think?

KD & G


We're kind of in a similar situation - kinda...
We were invited to SIL's wedding end of June. She made it clear that
this was a family event, and she even told me that I was not welcome to
attend if I did not want to bring our kids. (FWIW, this was disaster
time in the family) DS ended up being sick, so I left him at my mom's
house. I decided to take DD with me, since I did NOT want to deal with 2
kids on my own for an entire afternoon/evening out in the boonies where
this wedding was located. This wedding was off the wall for me - DH and
I were told to bring $60 worth of sandwich meat, other family members
were asked to bring X amount of buns, salads, dessert, etc.


Good lord. I'd have written a polite note declining the invitation. I
like to feel that I'm a guest and not a caterer.


Yes, well, weddings can get to be VERY expensive. I, personally, see no
reason in spending thousands and thousands of dollars on a wedding if that
is not in a person's budget.
It was the fact that she outwardly told us to bring a variety of lunch
meats - about $60 worth, and I think of it like this - DH takes sandwiches
to work, I go to the deli and get about $3-$4 worth of lunch meats for him
on a weekly basis. HE said alright, I'll bring the meat. I said are you
insane??
So, they do not have lots of money. How much is a marriage certificate?
Not much. How much would it be for a hall rental? Not sure, but they did
rent a hall. How much would it really cost for THEM to buy some lunch
meats, buns, pickles and stuff like that... Not nearly as much as it would
be to cater an entire full meal for a bunch of guests, yet you save up
money. Not ask for people to bring the food for you. THAT is what made me
the most angry.
I had originally declined, on the basis that we couldn't get a babysitter.
That's when we were told it was kid-friendly, families must come. So at
that point, we were all going, as a family. Last minute, the groom's
brother, for reasons unknown to me, said he was NOT coming, which left the
groom without a best man. I guess he must not have any friends at all, as
SIL told DH that he has to step in (as sloppy-seconds) where the groom's bro
would have been. This made me even more angry, as we were going AS A
FAMILY. That's how it was planned, as I knew I couldn't handle all the kids
on my own all day. I obviously needed his help, and now that it was thrown
in my face last second (about a week or two before the wedding?) that he was
all of a sudden in the wedding party - for the groom's side - that was even
worse. Would have been totally different if, from the start, this was the
plans, but for a long time, we (DH and I) had the plans set that we'd go as
a family, be as a family and leave as a family. It was nothing but a
freaking gong show, AFAIC.
Then the meat issue. Yea, well, DH went behind my back and gave her $60
cash - that, to be honest, we really can't afford to just throw away like
that - and that was that.
This was also the same woman (my SIL) that came yesterday to DH's surprise
birthday and couldn't even bring a card, yet she brought her big stupid mutt
to sit outside the building all afternoon. Nope, not even a card, but how
lovely of her to bring that damn dog.
Oh, and FTR, when I had declined originally, she was upset and said bring
the kids and she wanted them there. Then, when it was shoved at me that we
obviously weren't going as a family, as we had planned, and DH knows I
cannot drive out on the highway alone as I fall asleep if someone's not
awake beside me to keep me in a conversation and all that, I had told her I
was sorry, but if we weren't all going together, I saw no point in going, as
I wasn't able to watch all the kids alone out there, deal with them during
the meal, etc., (how on earth does one person get plates of food for 2
children who aren't old enough to serve themselves, get themself a plate of
food while carrying around a crawling baby??) I had told her I would come
only on the grounds that my mom was able to babysit, and at that point, she
told me she did not want me to come if I wasn't hauling the kids around.
Yup, nothing but a gong show.


All the best,

Sarah

--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell



  #14  
Old July 17th 06, 10:34 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
xkatx
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Posts: 690
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites


"Dagny" wrote in message
...
I believe the proper response is to send a brief note along these lines:

"Congratulations on the upcoming marriage of your daughter [if RSVPing to
bride's parents]. We are deeply honored to be invited. I wish I could
come, but am not able to leave my five-month-old son with a sitter during
the reception because he is exclusively breastfed per our pediatrician's
recommendation and will not take bottles. The celebrants are very
important to me, and please let them know that I would not miss their
wedding for the world except for this. Please accept my deep regrets.
KD"


Since this was mentioned, and we're in a similar situation of our children
not being allowed to attend my cousin's wedding (yet the bride's families
that include children will be there) what would be an appropriate reply?
Our replies are done via email or phone. We're obviously expected to be
there, but we're not sure if we'll be able to make it, as since our kids
aren't welcome, it's all now depending on if MIL can watch the kids that
day, and she won't know until about 2 weeks before as she does school bus
charters over the summer and won't know if she has a charter to do or not
until closer to the date.
Is there any point in replying in advance with a maybe and explaining that
it depends on if we have childcare or not?

If you are particularly close to one of the celebrants, it is OK to tell
them by phone why you are not coming, but it is important to state it as a
sad response and not as a request for an exception. The request is
implied in giving the reason; but stating it as a response allows the
parties to save face if they do not want to make an exception. Wedding
plans can be stressful, and you never know what force of nature in the
couple's lives is behind the no-babies rule. It's best to just go along
with it. It's supposed to be the couple's day, and so rarely is, so an
invitee's needs are best left low on the radar.

If they are able, they will respond for you to by all means bring your
son.

For the kind of money you're talking about, you could also consider flying
them out to see you for a long weekend a month or two after the honeymoon
as a special treat.

HTH,
Dagny



  #15  
Old July 17th 06, 11:18 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Sarah Vaughan
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Posts: 443
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites

xkatx wrote:

Since this was mentioned, and we're in a similar situation of our children
not being allowed to attend my cousin's wedding (yet the bride's families
that include children will be there) what would be an appropriate reply?
Our replies are done via email or phone. We're obviously expected to be
there, but we're not sure if we'll be able to make it, as since our kids
aren't welcome, it's all now depending on if MIL can watch the kids that
day, and she won't know until about 2 weeks before as she does school bus
charters over the summer and won't know if she has a charter to do or not
until closer to the date.
Is there any point in replying in advance with a maybe and explaining that
it depends on if we have childcare or not?


Hmmm. Trouble is, they'll need to let the caterers know the numbers.
Having said that, I would have thought two weeks should be enough.

You could always explain the situation and ask them how much notice they
need. If they need more than two weeks, then you could regretfully
decline on the grounds of being unable to give a definite yes and not
wanting to mess them around with a maybe.


All the best,

Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell
  #16  
Old July 17th 06, 11:48 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
FlowerGirl
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Posts: 56
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites


wrote in message ...
KD writes:
: Greetings folks:

: Just wanting to get some opinions from out there. We've been invited to
: a wedding, which it will cost a fair bit for us to go to; car rental,
: gas, clothing for me, wedding gift, etc.

: Anyhow, we just learned that our five month old isn't welcome at the
: reception, not even for just the dinner portion. The baby is
: exclusively breastfed, not like I could just leave him with someone.
: Even if he weren't, everyone I know in the area will be at the wedding,
: there's no one to leave him with.

: Question is, is this the norm for weddings? When I got married this
: didn't even cross my mind, and I confess it didn't even occur to me
: that DS wouldn't be welcome when we got the invite. I always thought
: that weddings were a family celebration, and families do include
: children. I can't see us spending all this cash to go, when the most
: important member of my family isn't welcome.

: What do you all think?

: KD & G

I don't know how to say this politely (to those who invited you), but
I certainly agree with you. Simply tell them that your are nursing,
you can't leave your baby for long, and if he is not welcome, you
cannot come. end of story.

Larry


Ditto that.
I think that before you actually *are* a bf mother, the options seem so much
simpler ... "oh why don't you just hire a baby sitter and leave some
bottles " seems like such a good option if you don't know exactly what a
huge ask that is: "just leave your precious child with a complete stranger
for 5 hours, let them feed her food she's never had before and which may or
may not damage her gut and you can be uncomfortable for a couple of hours
and maybe leak breastmilk all over your nice new dress"..
Amanda


  #17  
Old July 18th 06, 12:54 AM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
dkhedmo
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 55
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites

xkatx wrote:


Yes, well, weddings can get to be VERY expensive. I, personally, see no
reason in spending thousands and thousands of dollars on a wedding if that
is not in a person's budget.
It was the fact that she outwardly told us to bring a variety of lunch
meats - about $60 worth, and I think of it like this - DH takes sandwiches
to work, I go to the deli and get about $3-$4 worth of lunch meats for him
on a weekly basis. HE said alright, I'll bring the meat. I said are you
insane??
So, they do not have lots of money. How much is a marriage certificate?
Not much. How much would it be for a hall rental? Not sure, but they did
rent a hall. How much would it really cost for THEM to buy some lunch
meats, buns, pickles and stuff like that... Not nearly as much as it would
be to cater an entire full meal for a bunch of guests, yet you save up
money. Not ask for people to bring the food for you. THAT is what made me
the most angry.


I have heard of people having very informal weddings and having a "pot
luck" reception in their home (second marriages, that kind of thing),
but in that case the most you might specify to your guests would be
something along the lines of "please don't buy a gift, but please bring
a dish of your famous lasagna/almond cookies, etc. We couldn't afford
to/didn't want to provide a big meal at our wedding, so we held it later
in the evening, allowing people time to eat at home or go out together
before they came, then had hors d'oeuvre's, beverages (champagne, beer,
soft drinks, tea and coffee) and lots of really good cake. It's one
thing to not be able to afford much and to make compromises, it's
another to make it your guests' responsibility to cater your wedding...

-Karen-
  #18  
Old July 18th 06, 02:34 AM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Linda
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Posts: 101
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites


"KD" wrote in message
ups.com...
Greetings folks:

Just wanting to get some opinions from out there. We've been invited to
a wedding, which it will cost a fair bit for us to go to; car rental,
gas, clothing for me, wedding gift, etc.

Anyhow, we just learned that our five month old isn't welcome at the
reception, not even for just the dinner portion. The baby is
exclusively breastfed, not like I could just leave him with someone.
Even if he weren't, everyone I know in the area will be at the wedding,
there's no one to leave him with.

Question is, is this the norm for weddings? When I got married this
didn't even cross my mind, and I confess it didn't even occur to me
that DS wouldn't be welcome when we got the invite. I always thought
that weddings were a family celebration, and families do include
children. I can't see us spending all this cash to go, when the most
important member of my family isn't welcome.

What do you all think?

KD & G


When DH and I got married we had a no kids wedding. Main reason was that my
sister was a bridesmaid and she has 4 rowdy kids that would have been
running up to her all the time. She's also the kind of person that would
have thought it cute if they had danced around and interrupted during the
ceremony or during speeches at the reception. Their parenting style works
for them, and the kids are lovely - just very noisy and attention seeking,
and we didn't want to hurt her feelings by making an issue about it, so just
decided to make it no kids across the board. FWIW a few people did bring
babies along anyway, and we were fine with that as they obviously weren't
the issue. In hindsight I now actually regret not having kids there, DD is
to thank for this. I can't imagine leaving her and would probably feel
offended if she was left out of things. And now when I think about it, I'm
a little sad that my nieces and nephews weren't there to share in my special
day, even if they had made a fuss at times, but at the time I really did
think I was doing the best thing.

Depending how close you are with the couple getting married, are you able to
have a chat to them and see if you can determine why they don't want kids
there? (Without of course coming across as aggressive). There might be
specific circumstances for their no kids policy. (Or not)


  #19  
Old July 18th 06, 02:49 AM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Jess
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 117
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites


"dkhedmo" wrote in message
.net...
It's one thing to not be able to afford much and to make compromises, it's
another to make it your guests' responsibility to cater your wedding...


When my first husband and I got married, we got our bands on sale, my
grandmother made my wedding dress, our wedding site was an outdoor chapel
that was free, the minister was the family minister and the church
potluck-catered our wedding as their present to us and his second grade
teacher made our wedding cake as her present to us.

It was great all the way around. I cried all day long.

Jess


  #20  
Old July 18th 06, 03:37 AM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Marie
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Posts: 181
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites

"Jess" wrote in message
news:v8Xug.161103$k%3.152937@dukeread12...
When my first husband and I got married, we got our bands on sale, my
grandmother made my wedding dress, our wedding site was an outdoor chapel
that was free, the minister was the family minister and the church
potluck-catered our wedding as their present to us and his second grade
teacher made our wedding cake as her present to us.

It was great all the way around. I cried all day long.


Mine was similar to yours. It was the least stressful wedding I'd ever been
in ;o) All the other weddings where I was the maid of honor or bridesmaid,
the brides wanted all these expensive things- floral arrangements ordered,
catered food, dresses made and shoes dyed, and so many other extravagant
things and any little thing that went wrong caused yelling and/or tears. It
can get crazy! I didn't stress about any part of my wedding (except when the
minister tried to talk me out of having my children in my wedding!!) and it
all went peacefully and cozy.
Marie


 




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