Need advice!!!

This may not be the place for such a question but I'm sort of running
out of places to turn to for advice on this subject. My husband and I
have a friend that's recently single (broken up from her fiance of 2
years) and just moved outside of Charlotte, NC a few months ago to
start a new job. She started *dating* this married guy a few months
ago and just found out that she's pg. She is more than willing to
raise the child herself with no assistance whatsoever from this loser
but believe it or not, this is where the real problem comes in. He is
all but forcing her to have an abortion because his wife is *also*
pregnant (6 months)! Even though she has been adamant about the fact
that she wants nothing at all from him regarding this child, he's
practically threatening her to have this done. She's scared to death,
and I don't really know what to tell her. I want to tell her to stick
to her guns and do what's best for her and her baby but I guess what
I'm asking here is should she seek legal counsel if this jerk's
behavior persists like this or what?

Any advice would be appreciated!
Marnie

"Marnie" wrote in message
...
This may not be the place for such a question but I'm sort of running
out of places to turn to for advice on this subject. My husband and I
have a friend that's recently single (broken up from her fiance of 2
years) and just moved outside of Charlotte, NC a few months ago to
start a new job. She started *dating* this married guy a few months
ago and just found out that she's pg. She is more than willing to
raise the child herself with no assistance whatsoever from this loser
but believe it or not, this is where the real problem comes in. He is
all but forcing her to have an abortion because his wife is *also*
pregnant (6 months)! Even though she has been adamant about the fact
that she wants nothing at all from him regarding this child, he's
practically threatening her to have this done.

How can he force her to have an abortion? What threat is he using against
her?

Sadly, and probably more often that people will admit, the "woman's right to
choose" turns into a situation where someone in the woman's life tries to
choose for her.

If she feels physically threatened, she absolutely needs to get protection.
I can tell you that restraining orders do not protect people from
aggressors. Depending on *how* threatened she feels, she may wish to go into
hiding, or even carry personal defense equipment such as pepper spray or
something more emphatic, depending on local laws and her own needs.

If it's "merely" emotional threats, she needs to cut all contact with him.
If this means changing her phone number, or getting an answering machine to
screen her calls, or getting a man to do the answering machine message to
make it sound like she's involved with someone else now....

Ugh. What an awful situation.

--angela

top-posting...

Er....I live in this area, and am married and 6 months pregnant..... (but my
husband is always either at home or at work

Seriously-- the first thing she needs to worry about is her personal safety.
I agree that she should seek help, definitely.

And second, even if she is willing to take responsibility for her child
alone, I think the jerk should take responsibility for this child too. If
she doesn't want an abortion, she should NOT let him bully her into it. I
will hesitantly say that I think she should seek legal counsel to get child
support from him, I say hesitantly because he needs to take responsibilty
too, but if she has reason to worry about her safety if he is bullying her,
she may need someone to help her make the best decision and it may be safer
to leave him alone. She should seek help for sure.

What a jerk this man is. Have your friend seek help and not try to deal with
this situation alone or unsafely.


"Marnie" wrote in message
...
This may not be the place for such a question but I'm sort of running
out of places to turn to for advice on this subject. My husband and I
have a friend that's recently single (broken up from her fiance of 2
years) and just moved outside of Charlotte, NC a few months ago to
start a new job. She started *dating* this married guy a few months
ago and just found out that she's pg. She is more than willing to
raise the child herself with no assistance whatsoever from this loser
but believe it or not, this is where the real problem comes in. He is
all but forcing her to have an abortion because his wife is *also*
pregnant (6 months)! Even though she has been adamant about the fact
that she wants nothing at all from him regarding this child, he's
practically threatening her to have this done. She's scared to death,
and I don't really know what to tell her. I want to tell her to stick
to her guns and do what's best for her and her baby but I guess what
I'm asking here is should she seek legal counsel if this jerk's
behavior persists like this or what?

Any advice would be appreciated!
Marnie

On Wed, 04 Feb 2004 02:17:48 -0500, Nan wrote:

I should have added that Women's shelters, or Domestic Violence
shelters aren't only for helping women who live with someone who has
beat them up.
They're a safe haven for anyone who is frightened of someone in their
lives, past, or present.

Nan

I didn't realize that was even an option for her. She doesn't even
need or want any of his financial assistance and I don't think it's
come to much beyond harassement type of *threatening* but it's still
stressful since they work at the same company (btw she said his wife
used to work there too but quit when she became pg...not a very
careful jerk is he?!) and she moved there especially for this job so,
looking elsewhere isn't really an option right now. I just hope she
can work this out -- I just hate that she's having to go through this
during this emotional time in her life.

Thanks again for your time and advice!
Marnie

:: I didn't realize that was even an option for her. She doesn't even
:: need or want any of his financial assistance and I don't think it's
:: come to much beyond harassement type of *threatening* but it's still
:: stressful since they work at the same company (btw she said his wife
:: used to work there too but quit when she became pg...not a very
:: careful jerk is he?!)

She's isn't too bright either. She may not want his financial assistance
but honestly it isn't for HER it's for their child.

Are they equals in the company? Is his position higher than her's?

::and she moved there especially for this job so,
:: looking elsewhere isn't really an option right now. I just hope she
:: can work this out -- I just hate that she's having to go through this
:: during this emotional time in her life.
::
:: Thanks again for your time and advice!
:: Marnie

Personally, if he is harrassing her verbally or physically, she needs to
document the incidents, bring it to her bosses attention, contact the
authorities, get a restraining order....

Or, she could quit her job (for the safety) and move. Does she have family
elsewhere? How old is she?

Let me add that it IS sad that she is going through this type of harrassment
(whether she is pregnant or not). It is always difficult.

~Carol Ann

On Wed, 04 Feb 2004 13:39:52 GMT, "Carol Ann"
wrote:

:: I didn't realize that was even an option for her. She doesn't even
:: need or want any of his financial assistance and I don't think it's
:: come to much beyond harassement type of *threatening* but it's still
:: stressful since they work at the same company (btw she said his wife
:: used to work there too but quit when she became pg...not a very
:: careful jerk is he?!)
She's isn't too bright either. She may not want his financial assistance
but honestly it isn't for HER it's for their child.
Oh I agree with you a certain degree, but I don't think she found out
that he was married until after she told him that she was pg.

Are they equals in the company? Is his position higher than her's?
They are both managers but I don't think they work in the same dept.
But I don't know if one of them is higher up than the other.

Or, she could quit her job (for the safety) and move. Does she have family
elsewhere? How old is she?
I think she's already reluctantly considering moving -- her family is
more than willing to help her out financially & emotionally but she's
very independent and I think that will be her last resort. She's 29.

Let me add that it IS sad that she is going through this type of harrassment
(whether she is pregnant or not). It is always difficult.

~Carol Ann

I know, it really stinks.
Thanks for listening.
Marnie

A lot of women don't realize it's a possible option, but it is.
If a local shelter or organization can't help her, then there are
other resources, usually support groups and counselling.

He sounds like a real idiot. Does his wife know he's been screwing
around and has another on the way, with someone else?

My first thought was - eeww everyone's having unprotected sex Disease check
time. Ick.


I understand her thinking that she doesn't want his financial
assistance... however, I need to point out that it really isn't fair
for her to remove that from the child. A child has the right to be
supported by both parents, even if the father has a tantrum about it.
BUT, I also understand that she may feel her safety is at stake, or
that it would mean she would need to allow the father visitation
rights. If she doesn't wish to go that route, then I'd truly
understand.

I bet if he wasn't threatening her, she'd be more in the mind-set to think
to ask for financial support. As you said, it's not for her, it's for the
baby.

I hope she's able to find some assistance. If she hits a dead end in
her search, you can let me know your area and I can use my contacts
here (I used to work in a shelter and volunteered at a crisis center
for several years), to determine possible services in othe parts of
the country.

Nan

Good luck to her.

Yep, that too. If he was having an affair and unprotected with the
one gal, then who else at the same time, or within the last year or
so?

Reminds me of a guy that dh used to work with. Married, and wife
worked at the same place. Also a girlfriend, and both got pregnant.
Unfortunately, he continued to play the girlfriend and convinced her
he'd leave his wife. That never happened.

Nan



Does that *ever* happen?? eyeroll

In ,
Marnie wrote:

*all but forcing her to have an abortion because his wife is *also*
*pregnant (6 months)! Even though she has been adamant about the fact
*that she wants nothing at all from him regarding this child, he's
*practically threatening her to have this done. She's scared to death,
*and I don't really know what to tell her. I want to tell her to stick
*to her guns and do what's best for her and her baby but I guess what
*I'm asking here is should she seek legal counsel if this jerk's
*behavior persists like this or what?

If he is in fact threatening her, she should call the police (and probably
an attorney also!). If he's just being an asshole, she should slam the
door in his face, and refuse his phone calls. She should also make sure to
identify him as the father of the baby and to file for child support. Why
make the child lose out on his or her right to financial support from his
or her father?

--
hillary israeli vmd http://www.hillary.net
"uber vaccae in quattuor partes divisum est."
not-so-newly minted veterinarian-at-large

"Marnie" wrote in message
...
This may not be the place for such a question but I'm sort of running
out of places to turn to for advice on this subject. My husband and I
have a friend that's recently single (broken up from her fiance of 2
years) and just moved outside of Charlotte, NC a few months ago to
start a new job. She started *dating* this married guy a few months
ago and just found out that she's pg. She is more than willing to
raise the child herself with no assistance whatsoever from this loser
but believe it or not, this is where the real problem comes in. He is
all but forcing her to have an abortion because his wife is *also*
pregnant (6 months)! Even though she has been adamant about the fact
that she wants nothing at all from him regarding this child, he's
practically threatening her to have this done. She's scared to death,
and I don't really know what to tell her. I want to tell her to stick
to her guns and do what's best for her and her baby but I guess what
I'm asking here is should she seek legal counsel if this jerk's
behavior persists like this or what?

Any advice would be appreciated!
Marnie

I personally would. If he is threatening physical harm to her she should
contact the police and possibly file a protection order or ex-parte to get
him off her back. If she does the abortion I have the feeling that she will
really regret it horribly. She should also talk to a lawyer perhaps to see
if she can do something else legally to get him to back off. Good luck!
kat
Mama to Maggie 11/03/01
and #2 EDD was 02/01/04