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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
This is so painful and I am so ashamed and hurt it is difficult to talk
about it but you are my family of choice and have been with me through thick and thin for over four years now and I love you all and need you now more than ever as my "real" family is very unhealthy for me and my son and not there for us anyway and have caused part of the problem. I'm going to tell the whole story so you get the whole picture so as best to understand the situation so that perhaps you will understand how my son and I got to the crisis point we are at and hopefully avoid judging and condemning me, please don't do that right now. I grew up with a mother who was emotionally vacant and neglectful to the point that I nearly died as a child of dehydration and abused my whole life by my father and his crazy family. I also inherited the genetic mental illness but I also inherited the high intelligence and creativity on my mother's side, but alas, not the money ;-) (It is my life's dream to study the genetics of psychiatric illnesses and I am in school now pursuing that.) But, and this is a huge one. There is something else that has been passed on. My son watched me be abused by men when he was very young. I don't remember a lot of my childhood so it's hard for me to relate to what all he can remember of his but somehow over the last two years my precious little boy has become very abusive to me emotionally and verbally and it has reached a crisis point to where he can not live with me. He is 16. I haven't been able to control him since he got bigger than me two years ago. He stopped going to school regularly, even though he is very intelligent and I taught him everything I know about computers and have given him everything I possibly can. He says he will go back next year and finish high school and I hope he does but he has a lot of pressure from the underachievers we live around who do not have his intelligence or skills. I know I haven't been able to show love for him like "normal" but I have loved him better than I was loved and I have not physically abused him, that I am proud of, especially for having bipolar disorder. I have done my best to take care of my mental health ever since I recognized that there was something wrong with me, looking for the right pills, since I was 18 and old enough to have my own insurance since my mother believes I am demon possessed and just need to go back to church. Just last year I finally got the right anti-depressant and am finally awake! All the others made me tired and fat. I could go on for paragraphs about side effects... But mainly being asleep is the one that affected my poor child the worst, I know what it feels like to be ignored, that hurts worst than any beating, in my opinion. Psychic scars hurt and I can see that I have hell to pay for what my mental illness and the abuse that has been heaped on me in the past has done to my little boy who stands before me an angry young man. The thing is, I am tired and small and hurt and out of everyone, I am the only one who stood by him all these years, why does he hate me so much that he wants to punish me so badly? Everyday he calls me names and I tell him not to talk to me like that but he goes on like I didn't say anything, he drives my car without a license, he smokes pot and cigarettes and drinks and tells me the child support that I get, that I finally get after all these years, is free money, that I don't earn it, that I don't do anything because keeping a roof over his head, the lights on, food in the fridge and on the table and tv in his room and internet on his computer and gas in the car isn't work, and fixing computers isn't anything, even he can do that. I used to have such confidence and sometimes I still do but then I come home. My college education means nothing to him even though he was THERE. I took him to the University of Wisconsin with me when he was five, he went to daycare and then kindergarten right there on campus, he got a wonderful, radical education. I've tried so hard to expose him to literature and art and politics and music and gave him all these computer skills that he is so proud of. He has new clothes, I don't. His computer runs 5 times faster than mine and has all the new stuff. I knew when I had him that I didn't have what it takes to be a mother, much less a young, single mother and I wanted to give him up for adoption but my mother and my aunt (the god squad) ripped up the papers "you're not giving away our grand baby" but after he was born it was all "you made your bed, you lie in it" "we raised ours alone, you can do it too." "you broke God's law (fornication), all these things that you are suffering, this is your punishment." That last one, my mom said that to me again just last month. She wasn't being cruel, she really believes that. And unfortunately, apparently so do I. It is not helpful. I didn't know that I had a mental illness until after he was born. I didn't know that it was genetic until a few years ago and when I found that out I had my tubes tied, it stops with me. I don't bother telling my mother any of this for obvious reasons or my aunt as they both are already old and overwhelmed with ill health and caring for other family members who are having health problems. I have no other family. His father lives far away and resents his existence and burden of child support and has his "own" family to support so I don't think he will take him in or be a good role model either. I have been calling the foster care people for two weeks and they have been giving me the run around while my son gets more and more aggressive and I get more and more frustrated. Friday I called 911 and said come get him before I hurt him but they said I was stuck with him until he is 18 and put me through to some intake worker who said she would mail me an appointment. I said we did not have time to wait for the mail and she hung up on me. I started calling numbers at random that were similar to hers and got a case worker who put me through to her supervisor but it was voice mail so I left a message. Sunday I got gas and my son insisted on driving and I was too tired and defeated to argue even though he doesn't have a license and puts up a fight every time I try to get him to get a permit, anyway we get to the store with the last of our money and he wants pop but we only have enough for the gas and a 99 cent mocha each. But I break down and get him the damn pop. (This is a side of me none of you have seen before isn't it.) Anyway, I come out of the store and he yells across the lot, "That's not the kind of pop I want you dumb crack!" I stare at him in shock. How did it get this bad? How is it that I haven't had a man in my life for 7 years since the last guy broke my back and I decided to focus on my son and yet he still turned into one of "them"? (Now someone will say "she has an us and them mentality, it's her fault. burn the witch. I have a them and them mentality. men who abuse and men who do not feel the need to offend. but burn away, i'm on fire anyway) How did I screw this up, the only thing that really matters? And who is going to save my soul? I point out that this is the same pop I got last week that he complained that I didn't get enough of back when we had money. This is all so familiar. I have made these same apologetic rationalizations to numerous abusive men in the past before and it is pointless. It has to stop. It has to stop with me. I get up and take the pop back into the store for a refund. The lady looks at me like I am crazy (!) but gives me my dollar fifty back and for the reason why I write down 'ungrateful kid' and she laughs with me. My son is irate and I hear about it all the way home how crazy I am while I tell him how he just isn't used to me standing up for myself and holding him accountable but I plan to do it more often. I will pay, I will pay big for this, but I have no idea yet. His friend comes over needing his computer fixed. Word travels fast when you fix computers for free. He asks if he can use my computer to format his friends hard drive. Hell no! That is taking a big risk that you will accidentally lose the data on your hard drive, take that risk on your own computer or, better yet, take that risk on your friend's computer. Here, take my windows '98 cd... and I advise him how to do it. I work on my webpage a little and post some of my poems and my newest song. I am taking physics and have a lot of studying to do, I love going to college, I am good at it. My computer is my life. I have been a computer technician since 1996, it is my link to this news group and my email which is an important social need and to the Internet where I am constantly keeping my overactive brain busy doing research learning and helping people with my knowledge and all my poems and songs and webpage and 2 years worth of data are on my 30 gigabyte hard drive. Monday I came home from school and turned on my computer and nothing happened... it wouldn't boot. It was as if my son had killed my dog. For you guys out there, imagine you had a prized Porsche that you cherished and showed off and took care of every day and your son got mad at you, had been mad at you for a lot of things that you just didn't know how to fix and you came home one day and your son asked if he could drive it and you said no and you came home and your Porsche was sitting in your drive way all crashed up, how angry would you be? I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. I got in my car and drove to his friend's house and he got in and I took him to the woods near there and told him how he hurt me and he had no right, he had crossed the last boundary, he no longer lived at my house and that when he went and told everyone how crazy I was to be sure and tell them what he had done. I did not hit him or touch him at all, he was not scared of me in any way, (he is a foot taller than me and much faster and I can't run, I have two compressed disks in my lower back) he was annoyed. I said I was going to smash up his computer but he pointed out that his is worth way more than mine and I'd just have to pay for it so what's the sense in that. He walked back to the car before I did and tried to use his keys to get in but I got in and went home and sat down and called 911 again. They put me through to crisis and I told them again how much worse things had gotten and to please find some place for my son to live because he could not live with me, he was hurting me and I was having a hard time holding it together and I did not want it to escalate either way. Do something! I have a counselor, he has a counselor, it's going to take more than that. His constant abuse is aggravating my PTSD and I don't want to be abusive to him. I've been accused of having a victim mentality on here before, I think maybe that is what has contributed to how he has learned to treat me so please don't beat me up about that, certainly that will make things worse. So, the police came to my house. I was surprised to see them as I thought I had handled it pretty well, having gotten my point across without resorting to violence but what I didn't know is that my son had told them that I tried to kill him. He said this in front of my only friend, who knows me really well, but they did not listen to her even though she is an adult, they listened to him, presumably because although he is a minor he looks like a man. So now those who have a history of picking on me for "having issues with men" can start blaming this on me for that. Or maybe it's all Eve's fault, but I already apologized for that at gunpoint when I was married to my psycho ex-husband in front of my son when he was three, he remembers that better than I do, I've gotten really good at dissociating (leaving your body when your body and spirit find it necessary to take a break from each other for awhile). And before you blame me for getting involved with abusive men, they are not abusive at first, it is like a spider's web. Very beautiful and intricate and silky soft and smooth but damned difficult to get out of and the harder you try to get out of it the more stuck you are. Precious few escape. And I have worked very hard at escaping, I attract psychos, they like my fiery personality and my lovingness combination and I never know they are a psycho until it's too late. I did abstain for all those years but I guess that was too late. Well, this is the biggest pity party I've had in a long time. Probably because I haven't had this much pain come to the surface in years. So, the police, once again, reinforced my fear and loathing of them although they were pretty kind and respectful when they went about it by NOT helping me. I have learned repeatedly that the police do not help women who are being abused by men, they only know how to punish and they are good at that and they tend to identify with the man. I have heard contrary from others, but this has been my experience time and time and time again regardless of my behavior or attitude or what part of the country I am in. Because my son lied to the police about how I reacted to him destroying my computer they took me to involuntary psych unit. It has been a long time since I have been treated with such indignity and it really brought out the abused child in me to be abandoned and ignored which about sums up what it's like to be locked up in the emergency room. It is completely useless as a health care tool. You get no sleep, you get NO medication, they make you take off all your clothes and wear a napkin (you might make a slingshot out of your brassiere or something), and when you ask for help no one will listen to you, because you are a mental patient. It brings back some very bad memories. I had two angels. I am hypoglycemic and nearly fainted on my way back from the bathroom because they also do not feed you on the psych ward in the middle of the night and I also needed my pain meds but fat chance I was even going to bother asking for that, much less my mental health meds, ironic though that may be. But for some reason I have the survival skill of tenacity, I asked every single nurse that walked by until one listened to me and she got me some 7UP. She also picked up the bloody gauze that was on the floor next to my bed that was there when I got there that I pointed out was a hospital liability but none of the other nurses would listen to me about it. (good thing I'm not THAT kind of crazy, sheesh, what if it had AIDS on it or something?) The other one was the security guard watching me. Being ignored really gets to me and I almost lost it and he came over and said you brought that book with you (a physics book) he said he had no idea what it was about but that if I filled my head with the book there would be no room for my mother, my mother was NOT there. And then he proceeded to watch over me, in a good way. I even fell asleep for awhile, in peace. They released me to the care of my counselor's office where, thankfully, they know me very well and they know I am not a violent psycho like my son and the police were making me out to be and they made arrangements to contact foster care on my behalf and let me go so I could get to class. A taxi took me home and when I got there my car was gone. Boy was I mad, lol. My son had run the gas out but at least it was all in one piece and my friend brought it to me and I went to school and tried to fake normal, that's like trying to pretend that you are not on fire. Who is this child and where is my real son? How do I get him back? Why won't the system stop screwing around and help us? Now what do I do? |
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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
Betsy wrote:
In news:CurRa.80070$ye4.60298@sccrnsc01, Unfortunately, my opinion is that foster care will be of no benefit to your son. You say he has a counselor, what are they doing? We go to the county mental health facility for that and they are not very helpful. My "case worker" rarely returns my calls and loses things like faxes and signed releases and other important paper work and fails to call me back to schedule appointments, especially now when I need him most. My sons counselor has not returned my calls all week. I get medication management that is very good, however. My psychiatrist believes in me and has been my hero more than once and treats me like a peer. Seriously, if things are perpetuation, the counselor sounds like he/she is not doing his/her job. That is because she is there more to be a sounding board for my poor, victim son who has had it so hard living with a mentally ill mother and all mentally ill people are violent, right? All I can say regarding some of your son's behavior is this: What consequences have occurred? I never learned this as a child or as an adult. I think I hate to punish my kid because we have been already "punished" so much just for existing, from my point of view. Society takes a punitive attitude toward mothers on welfare and we were on welfare a lot and homeless a lot until I got the help that I needed to think clearly and use the intelligence and creativity that goes along with this bipolar brain. From what I am reading, you are very good at telling your son how angry or upset or disappointed you are. That is not enough in many cases. He destroyed your computer, you tell him you are hurt. What else did you do? Did you remove HIS computer which, he pointed out, YOU paid for; so in essence it is yours? For the first time in his life, yes I did. I combined parts from his and parts from mine and built a new one for myself. If he wants a computer for himself he will have to go get a job. Thing is, he has the skills to get a really good job too, if we lived in a better town. Have there been priveleges removed for misbehavior? He did not get this way overnight, nor did he become this way just from seeing you abused. You set limits, but it sounds like you didn't enforce them. It also sounds to me like your son might want a little more firmness. He can walk all over you, and he knows it. This is part of the result of living with mood swings, dissociation, the fog of anti-depressants and the "shock" of post-traumatic stress disorder. And it is the result of simply not knowing how to set limits and normal consequences when all you've ever lived in is a war zone. I've read books about how to do it and even went to Parents Anonymous when he was little but I've never seen it role modeled. I always fantasized about some church family taking me in and teaching me how to parent but it never happened. I also fantasized about marrying a wonderful, normal man who would be a good husband to me and love me and be a good father to my son like happened for so many of my other friends but that didn't happen either. He may have some of his own mental illness. As you said, many times it is inherited, and he may have it. He doesn't have bipolar disorder. He may be exhibiting symptoms related to his use of marijuana though, I don't know, I don't use drugs. For me, drugs would be redundant. It didn't stop when you had your tubes tied, because you already had your son. Yes, it did. Keep pushing with counselors, and the state, and whatever agencies are available. Keep trying to get him evaluated. He may need anger management. To be honest, my mother would say he needs a "swat on his backside." At this point they are reacting as if I am the one with the problem. I am angry at the police for believing a lying teenager over two adult women at that house who told them that I would never try to kill my son. Then the police came back the next day to "warn" my son that "they" let me out and they didn't know why and if I came back and tried to harm him to call 911 to which my ADULT friend replied that my son was the one who hurt me but the police ignored her. And I am angry at the child services agency for ignoring my pleas for help all week and for then assigning me to a case worker who is on vacation in New York until July 21!!! It's a good thing my meds work because the system does not. I will persist, my son is worth it. I do not have any advice to offer, other than what I see, which doesn't really help now. Keep working on it. You have done your best, but one thing you must do, for yourself, is really look at things, so you can find where your responsibility lies. I tried to do that, even if I was sarcastic. Blaming everything, or most everything on a cycle of abuse is not the answer. You had some (a LOT) input into your son's behavior. Even a few years away from abusive relationships can be enough to turn opinions around. What part of SEVEN years of abstinence did you not hear me say? Then I started dating again and the guy I really liked turned out to be very bad news. So I gave up, obviously I'm not ready and I'm in therapy at the YWCA. You may still be able to do this, but you have to get strong in yourself. Until you do that, anyone and everyone will be able to "make you feel down." Tell yourself you are a good person, you deserve respect. Keep doing that every day, several times a day if needed. This is actually painful for me to do. I wrote a song about it. "I am ice and your sunlight is breaking me..." Could be worse. Johnny Cash's new song (he didn't write it) goes, "I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel..." at least I don't do that! Once YOU believe that, you can instill that into others. Follow through with things as well. It sounds to me like you gave your son a lot, but didn't expect much in return. As he became a man I began to treat him like a man, with fear. I saw this coming years ago and actually my aunt did try to help by taking him in to her house at the time but her extreme religious views were a huge problem and she treats men like they are gods. I remember saying something like maybe I should have moved in with her and had somebody doing my laundry and cooking me pork chops! But of course that would not have happened, I am just a girl in her eyes and would have been put to work regardless of my back injury or mood disorder. Needless to say he missed his freedom and it was too crowded there and he didn't like how she kept letting her adult sons use his personal stuff without his permission (her children didn't turn out so good and she won't listen to me or help me. So it built up to this point. My son has a computer of his own, same speed and "goodies" as mine. But he can not access it. It is a privelege, not a right. It is MINE, not his. He has use of it for school work, and games when chores are completed. My mother tells me I am too hard on him. I don't believe so. Well, yeah, but for us the computer is a much larger part of our lives as we are computer technicians. I wanted him to have skills he could always get work with and you get those skills with hands on experience. Also, computers as a hobby is something that he would have in common with middle class kids besides pot. Get strong in you, so you can be strong with others. That is the hardest thing to do, but so worth it. Good luck to you and your son. Betsy thank you. |
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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
Betsy wrote:
In news:hvARa.83747$H17.25802@sccrnsc02, typed: Betsy wrote: In news:CurRa.80070$ye4.60298@sccrnsc01, Blaming everything, or most everything on a cycle of abuse is not the answer. You had some (a LOT) input into your son's behavior. Even a few years away from abusive relationships can be enough to turn opinions around. What part of SEVEN years of abstinence did you not hear me say? Then I started dating again and the guy I really liked turned out to be very bad news. So I gave up, obviously I'm not ready and I'm in therapy at the YWCA. Apparently, I am not any help in this situation. My apologies for wasting time and space. Since I have nothing of value to offer I will shut up now. I do wish you the best, and hope everything works out for you You were helpful and I appreciated that you took the time to read my long request for help and you responded to my desperation. I just felt that you were focusing on my mental illness as the problem and viewing the entire context of the cycle of abuse as a way of me trying to avoid responsibility. And I apologize for my sarcasm, I think I'm just really stressed out about being abstinent for so long and it having all been for nothing. I'm still screwed up and my son is way more screwed up than I ever thought capable and I wish it were due to mental illness, there are pills for that. What is wrong here is so convoluted that only a lot of time and love and role models and expert help that we may not be able to get can help. |
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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
wrote in message news:hvARa.83747$H17.25802@sccrnsc02... "This is part of the result of living with mood swings, dissociation, the fog of anti-depressants and the "shock" of post-traumatic stress disorder. And it is the result of simply not knowing how to set limits and normal consequences when all you've ever lived in is a war zone." Don't you think living around and with someone with these problems would **** up about any kid? I sniped the rest of your post, cause you don't want my thoughts on it. you love this kid, let him go, if you have any family that he's comfotable at, let him go there, if anyone can provide foster care, let him go there. Jesus H Christ, the kids mother gets comited, is stung up on pain meds and sedatives, and he freaked out. Look, most people who suffer from co-depence have the same problem as you, no matter what, you don't see past your nose. No matter what, you'll feel like you got the raw end of the deal, wether it be by a cop, a social worker, or your son. Your shrink "believes in you" as you say, so it's cool with him, unless he calls you on some of this, in which case he ends up like the cops and social workers. When the only place you got left [to come for advice is usenet, something might be wrong. When every R/L person around you is telling you ya got a serious problem, you might be wrong When you still need to blame a man who isn't even around right now, you might got a problem. When you, as a grown women, needs to blame things on her mother, you might got a problem When all those things happen at the same time, over the same issue, you DO have a problem. Get some help, if not for yourself, do it for your kid. How do you expect your kid to function normally while you carry around all that bagage? |
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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
16 years of dealing with LL misandrist rantings......I'm surprised it didn't
happen sooner. But in her mind...it will always be someone else's fault "Rolly The Pervert" wrote in message ... wrote in message news:hvARa.83747$H17.25802@sccrnsc02... "This is part of the result of living with mood swings, dissociation, the fog of anti-depressants and the "shock" of post-traumatic stress disorder. And it is the result of simply not knowing how to set limits and normal consequences when all you've ever lived in is a war zone." Don't you think living around and with someone with these problems would **** up about any kid? I sniped the rest of your post, cause you don't want my thoughts on it. you love this kid, let him go, if you have any family that he's comfotable at, let him go there, if anyone can provide foster care, let him go there. Jesus H Christ, the kids mother gets comited, is stung up on pain meds and sedatives, and he freaked out. Look, most people who suffer from co-depence have the same problem as you, no matter what, you don't see past your nose. No matter what, you'll feel like you got the raw end of the deal, wether it be by a cop, a social worker, or your son. Your shrink "believes in you" as you say, so it's cool with him, unless he calls you on some of this, in which case he ends up like the cops and social workers. When the only place you got left [to come for advice is usenet, something might be wrong. When every R/L person around you is telling you ya got a serious problem, you might be wrong When you still need to blame a man who isn't even around right now, you might got a problem. When you, as a grown women, needs to blame things on her mother, you might got a problem When all those things happen at the same time, over the same issue, you DO have a problem. Get some help, if not for yourself, do it for your kid. How do you expect your kid to function normally while you carry around all that bagage? |
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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
"Paul Fritz" wrote in message ... 16 years of dealing with LL misandrist rantings......I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner. But in her mind...it will always be someone else's fault That is so unfair Paul, I didn't see her blaming her son's behaviour on anyone BUT herself. Give your ****ing agenda a rest. Christine "Rolly The Pervert" wrote in message ... wrote in message news:hvARa.83747$H17.25802@sccrnsc02... "This is part of the result of living with mood swings, dissociation, the fog of anti-depressants and the "shock" of post-traumatic stress disorder. And it is the result of simply not knowing how to set limits and normal consequences when all you've ever lived in is a war zone." Don't you think living around and with someone with these problems would **** up about any kid? I sniped the rest of your post, cause you don't want my thoughts on it. you love this kid, let him go, if you have any family that he's comfotable at, let him go there, if anyone can provide foster care, let him go there. Jesus H Christ, the kids mother gets comited, is stung up on pain meds and sedatives, and he freaked out. Look, most people who suffer from co-depence have the same problem as you, no matter what, you don't see past your nose. No matter what, you'll feel like you got the raw end of the deal, wether it be by a cop, a social worker, or your son. Your shrink "believes in you" as you say, so it's cool with him, unless he calls you on some of this, in which case he ends up like the cops and social workers. When the only place you got left [to come for advice is usenet, something might be wrong. When every R/L person around you is telling you ya got a serious problem, you might be wrong When you still need to blame a man who isn't even around right now, you might got a problem. When you, as a grown women, needs to blame things on her mother, you might got a problem When all those things happen at the same time, over the same issue, you DO have a problem. Get some help, if not for yourself, do it for your kid. How do you expect your kid to function normally while you carry around all that bagage? |
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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
Paul Fritz wrote:
16 years of dealing with LL misandrist rantings......I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner. But in her mind...it will always be someone else's fault I shouldn't respond to this but I am going to. First, I asked for people with condemnation and judgment not to reply but you, Paul Fritz, overstepped my boundaries once again because you do not have any respect for women's boundaries, because you are an abuser. Second, you have no right to judge me as a "misandrist" which means man hater. You are a woman hater, that is clear from your years of posting lies and hate about women here and on alt.child-support so I have often wondered about your daughter and her reaction to how you view women so derogatively, especially since you so rarely talk about your daughter online at all, preferring instead to target ME for your hatred and rage and tooting your own horn. Third, I did not place blame for my son's abusive attitude toward me on anything other than the fact that I and I alone raised him in an environment where he saw me being abused by men and now that has come back to bite me in the ass and I, and I alone, have done everything within my power to change the course of his future. |
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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)
wrote in message news:CurRa.80070$ye4.60298@sccrnsc01... This is so painful and I am so ashamed and hurt it is difficult to talk Snipped Continue trying like hell to get help for him. Foster care may not be the best choice long run but at this point, it might be best temporarily. You might want to tape some conversations where your son does become abusive as proof. With your disorder and now him already saying you tried to kill him, they are going to side with him. If things are getting so bad and you think it might be hard to not abuse him, throw him out of the house. Lock the doors, hide the car, get a friend to hang out with you, preferably a large male friend. I am sure you want to help him but I doubt you can. You are his mom and somewhere along the line he has lost total respect for you. Always let him know you love him but you can't help him. This most be the hardest thing for a mother. Have you tried standing up to him, not backing down? His freaking out about soda? He would have been wearing that soda plus some. Stand strong, you ARE the boss, not him. No matter how many wrongs you think you have done to him there are probably million rights. If you show weakness at this point, his abuse will become much worse. You need to get him away from you. |
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