Difficult Move Cross County (long)

Hello Everyone -

I used to be an avid misc.kids reader when my son was a baby. He's all
grown up now - well, he's 10 but I feel like I'm back in the bad old
days. The reason is we just moved x-country from outside DC to Southern CA.
He's having a hard time adjusting, but the community isn't helping any and
that's why I'm writing. Y'all have always been very helpful and I'd like to
bounce a couple of things that have happened off you to see what your
reaction is.

We're having problems at school. We come from Fairfax County schools - if
you know them, you know they're some of the best in the nation. Reason?
They have *lots* of money to spend. My son struggles in school and they
always had someone there, paid staff, to help. Full-time guidance
counselors, reading teachers, you name it. Here (I don't want to name the
town I live in), they don't. In fact, they're $13M UNDER budget.
Interestingly, the economic demographics are the same, both here and home.
Middle to upper-middle income families. The school he's at is a "blue
ribbon", which Fairfax County doesn't participate in. Basically, it means
lots of smart kids go there and score well on tests. My son doesn't and
because there's no money, there's no help for him (he's being tested for LD
but we're pretty sure his problems aren't severe enough to allow him into a
spec. ed program). Long story short, we were "called" to the principal's
office this week because his teacher is upset with me for actually (imagine)
emailing her questions about his work, etc. She's overwhelmed with a class
of 35 4-th graders (the number boggles my mind). During our conversaton the
principal actually told us how *lucky* we were to have this teacher. She
previously taught at a a low-income school with lots of ESL kids and
learning problems, and they hiring her specifically because all of their
*other* teachers only knew how to teach the smart kids (i.e., didn't know
how to teach to the average child). Yes, she actually said that. I did not
take offense at it because I don't believe she meant to say my child was
dumb, but what I horrified about was that she actually ONLY hired teachers
who couldn't teach average children. So they have one teacher in grade 4
for the average kids and I guess all the other average kids are SOL in her
school. And this says *what* about the school??? Anyway, that's one thing
that's really bothering me.

We're also having problems in his little league team where, I have found
out, that it's all about politics, which I was warned about by quite a few
mothers here before he started the season. I dind't understand until the
season started and he ended up on the bench for half of every game. Back
where we come from, no matter how good (actually, he was always in the top
3rd at home) or lousy (he also had his lousy days) a child was, they played
every game, rotated postiions, and never sat out consecutive games. In
other words, the coaches believes a child wouldn't learn unless they had
time to play and learn. Here, they obviously believe wining is number 1 and
learning comes second. New kid on the block gets benched basically. My
husband coached back home (and was very hard on my son there) and spoke with
two fathers here last week and they said the same thing, both about little
league and the schools - it's all politics and the schools in our town are
only geared towards the top kids - the rest suffer or are held back to keep
the test scores at their best.

Sorry this is so long but I just don't understand this community or what's
going on. My son is a great, fun, popular kid back home with loads of
friends. His last teacher told us he is loved by everyone, kids and adults
alike at his old school. Here, who knows. Doesn't seem to be much love to
go around I guess, what with keeping up scores on the field and in the
school. If I sound angry, I am. Any ideas, suggestions? Thanks.

risa

A couple of questions...

Where in SoCal are you? Depending on where you are, there may be other
choices of schools (like a charter school or other nearby school that's in
the same district). I know my neighborhood feeds into two different middle
schools and for a few blocks there's an overlap. As well, it's reasonably
easy to switch to the other school if needed.

Aside from little league, there are many, many other kids' baseball leagues
in SoCal. DH has talked about how our kids will play
baseball/softball/slow-pitch when the time is right, but they won't play
little league because it's a bit crazy where we live (on the Westside of
LA). Depending on where you live, there may be other options.

Finally, and this is not meant as a flame, didn't you check out schools
before you moved here? California has some of the worst public schools in
the country. I think we're 47th out of 50. Although there are pockets of
better schools (e.g. Santa Monica, Palos Verdes) there are many pockets that
one would think would be good because of the higher demographics, but the
wealthier parents send their children to private school. I know that's what
we're going to do because the schools around here are appaling.

--
Melissa (in Los Angeles)
Mum to Elizabeth 4/13/03

"risa bernstein" wrote in message
...
Hello Everyone -

I used to be an avid misc.kids reader when my son was a baby. He's all
grown up now - well, he's 10 but I feel like I'm back in the bad old
days. The reason is we just moved x-country from outside DC to Southern
CA.
He's having a hard time adjusting, but the community isn't helping any and
that's why I'm writing. Y'all have always been very helpful and I'd like
to
bounce a couple of things that have happened off you to see what your
reaction is.

We're having problems at school. We come from Fairfax County schools - if
you know them, you know they're some of the best in the nation. Reason?
They have *lots* of money to spend. My son struggles in school and they
always had someone there, paid staff, to help. Full-time guidance
counselors, reading teachers, you name it. Here (I don't want to name the
town I live in), they don't. In fact, they're $13M UNDER budget.
Interestingly, the economic demographics are the same, both here and home.
Middle to upper-middle income families. The school he's at is a "blue
ribbon", which Fairfax County doesn't participate in. Basically, it means
lots of smart kids go there and score well on tests. My son doesn't and
because there's no money, there's no help for him (he's being tested for
LD
but we're pretty sure his problems aren't severe enough to allow him into
a
spec. ed program). Long story short, we were "called" to the principal's
office this week because his teacher is upset with me for actually
(imagine)
emailing her questions about his work, etc. She's overwhelmed with a
class
of 35 4-th graders (the number boggles my mind). During our conversaton
the
principal actually told us how *lucky* we were to have this teacher. She
previously taught at a a low-income school with lots of ESL kids and
learning problems, and they hiring her specifically because all of their
*other* teachers only knew how to teach the smart kids (i.e., didn't know
how to teach to the average child). Yes, she actually said that. I did
not
take offense at it because I don't believe she meant to say my child was
dumb, but what I horrified about was that she actually ONLY hired teachers
who couldn't teach average children. So they have one teacher in grade 4
for the average kids and I guess all the other average kids are SOL in her
school. And this says *what* about the school??? Anyway, that's one
thing
that's really bothering me.

We're also having problems in his little league team where, I have found
out, that it's all about politics, which I was warned about by quite a few
mothers here before he started the season. I dind't understand until the
season started and he ended up on the bench for half of every game. Back
where we come from, no matter how good (actually, he was always in the top
3rd at home) or lousy (he also had his lousy days) a child was, they
played
every game, rotated postiions, and never sat out consecutive games. In
other words, the coaches believes a child wouldn't learn unless they had
time to play and learn. Here, they obviously believe wining is number 1
and
learning comes second. New kid on the block gets benched basically. My
husband coached back home (and was very hard on my son there) and spoke
with
two fathers here last week and they said the same thing, both about little
league and the schools - it's all politics and the schools in our town are
only geared towards the top kids - the rest suffer or are held back to
keep
the test scores at their best.

Sorry this is so long but I just don't understand this community or what's
going on. My son is a great, fun, popular kid back home with loads of
friends. His last teacher told us he is loved by everyone, kids and
adults
alike at his old school. Here, who knows. Doesn't seem to be much love
to
go around I guess, what with keeping up scores on the field and in the
school. If I sound angry, I am. Any ideas, suggestions? Thanks.

risa

"risa bernstein" wrote in message ...
Hello Everyone -

I used to be an avid misc.kids reader when my son was a baby. He's all
grown up now - well, he's 10 but I feel like I'm back in the bad old
days. The reason is we just moved x-country from outside DC to Southern CA.
He's having a hard time adjusting, but the community isn't helping any and
that's why I'm writing. Y'all have always been very helpful and I'd like to
bounce a couple of things that have happened off you to see what your
reaction is.

snip problems

I can't comment really on the specifics of your problem, but I have a
very minor suggestion which may help your son adjust. When you discuss
things at home or with him around or even amongst your community, do
you often say "Back home we did X" or "AT home it was like this and
here it's like that" etc.... see what I mean? That's one thing that
really stood out in your post. I comment on it because such simple
phrases really focus on this new town/school/community *not* being
"home," and make it that much more difficult to adjust to a new
situation. It's a minor thing, and this is only anecdotal, but of the
people I know who have moved families, the kids seem to adjust so much
better when the entire family thinks of the new place as 'home.' I
know that doesn't help the bigger problems with school/little league
etc, but it might help your son fit in a little more.

Southern California is a big place, and communities are as varied as
there are people. Depending upon where you are, you may have other
schooling options as well as other sports options. My family in So Cal
all have kids in t-ball, little league, soccer, etc, and this hasn't
been a problem (one brother there is also a coach, and his primary
focus is always "every kid gets to play, it's not about winning, so I
know such teams exist ).