Kids & exposure to cursing

This topic is being debated here in our house. The situation: at DD12's
school, a web site URL that features a lot of cursing is being
circulated among the kids. My ex calls me this week to say that DD12
received the URL from a friend, and shared it with him. My ex is upset
about it, and suggested we monitor her computer use more closely, as
well as the music she is listening to, and the friends she hangs around
with. He would rather the kids not be exposed to such gratuitous
cursing.

My DF take a more relaxed attitude, and doesn't see the harm in it. He
doesn't think exposure to a website with cursing is going to corrupt
DD, who is exposed to cursing in popular music anyway. He definetly
feels the more we make it a big deal, the more attractive we make it to
DD.

My stance is somewhere in the middle, and I guess I'm still working it
all out in my mind, which is why I'm posting this for discussion.

I told DD that the primary problem for me with exposure to lots of
cursing is that it has a way of infiltrating one's own vocabularly,
whether you intend it to or not. That is more my concern than anything
else, because once you get in the habit, it is really hard to retrain
yourself not to say "S*it" when you drop something on your toe (don't I
know it)! So yes, in a way, I do agree with her dad that it may be wise
to limit such exposure so it doesn't creep accidentally into one's own
vocabularly.

I also told her that sometimes a curse or two is appropriately harmless
(like when you drop something on your toe) or in some forms of art when
it makes a statement. But, most uses in the media are simply gratuitous
and have nothing to do with art. We talked about songs that we like
that have curses in them, and how the cursewords add absolutely nothing
to the song.

On the question of whether the friend that passed the URL to her is an
appropriate friend or not, turns out that DD passed the URL to her
friend and not the other way around! She didn't tell her dad this
particular point, because she knew he'd be mad at her. So we had to
have a big be-honest-with-your-dad discussion. :-)

So my question is - what is your attitude and experience with this? How
do you handle it with your kids? Do you curb what they watch, where
they surf, and what they listen to?

Also, I'm curious if anyone thinks that excessive cursing a stage that
preteens/teens go through?
Is it inevitable in this curseword-saturated culture?

jen

shinypenny wrote:

So my question is - what is your attitude and experience with this? How
do you handle it with your kids? Do you curb what they watch, where
they surf, and what they listen to?

Also, I'm curious if anyone thinks that excessive cursing a stage that
preteens/teens go through?
Is it inevitable in this curseword-saturated culture?

I don't know that it's so much a stage, as a stage implies that
it will pass. I think people who start cursing a lot rarely go back
to not cursing, though one hopes they manage to contain it to more
appropriate (?) situations.

My attitude is that cursing is unfit language in polite
society, and I absolutely refuse to allow it. I don't curse around
my children (or in most other situations either), and I expect them
not to do so around me. The way I see it, the essential thing is
that one learns to guard one's language when it's necessary. If
my children were to swear in an inappropriate situation, most of
the time, no one would say anything to them about it. They'd have
made a poor impression, but might not even recognize it. *I*,
on the other hand, am their parent, so *I* can say something to
them about it. Therefore, it is my responsibility to uphold
a no cursing rule so that I can enforce it and thereby teach
them to guard their language when it's necessary. If they can
avoid swearing around me, I assume they can do so in other
situations where it is important, even if they're perhaps swearing
in other contexts when I'm not around. I don't see that anyone
else is in a particularly good position to do that, and I *surely*
don't want my children to become so habituated to swearing that
they're not able to turn it off when needed.

As far as limiting access to media with cursing, I
think that depends on age and maturity. By age 12, I would think
that in most cases, media with some swearing (more run of the
mill stuff, not really vicious cursing) wouldn't necessarily be
automatically off limits based on the cursing alone. However,
if my child started slipping in her ability to use appropriate
language in appropriate situations, I'd consider temporarily
banning such media as a consequence (under the theory that
apparently she couldn't use such media and still make good
choices about what language to use when).

Best wishes,
Ericka

In article .com, shinypenny
says...

This topic is being debated here in our house. The situation: at DD12's
school, a web site URL that features a lot of cursing is being
circulated among the kids. My ex calls me this week to say that DD12
received the URL from a friend, and shared it with him. My ex is upset
about it, and suggested we monitor her computer use more closely, as
well as the music she is listening to, and the friends she hangs around
with. He would rather the kids not be exposed to such gratuitous
cursing.

My DF take a more relaxed attitude, and doesn't see the harm in it. He
doesn't think exposure to a website with cursing is going to corrupt
DD, who is exposed to cursing in popular music anyway. He definetly
feels the more we make it a big deal, the more attractive we make it to
DD.

My stance is somewhere in the middle, and I guess I'm still working it
all out in my mind, which is why I'm posting this for discussion.

I told DD that the primary problem for me with exposure to lots of
cursing is that it has a way of infiltrating one's own vocabularly,
whether you intend it to or not. That is more my concern than anything
else, because once you get in the habit, it is really hard to retrain
yourself not to say "S*it" when you drop something on your toe (don't I
know it)! So yes, in a way, I do agree with her dad that it may be wise
to limit such exposure so it doesn't creep accidentally into one's own
vocabularly.

I also told her that sometimes a curse or two is appropriately harmless
(like when you drop something on your toe) or in some forms of art when
it makes a statement. But, most uses in the media are simply gratuitous
and have nothing to do with art. We talked about songs that we like
that have curses in them, and how the cursewords add absolutely nothing
to the song.

On the question of whether the friend that passed the URL to her is an
appropriate friend or not, turns out that DD passed the URL to her
friend and not the other way around! She didn't tell her dad this
particular point, because she knew he'd be mad at her. So we had to
have a big be-honest-with-your-dad discussion. :-)

So my question is - what is your attitude and experience with this? How
do you handle it with your kids? Do you curb what they watch, where
they surf, and what they listen to?

Also, I'm curious if anyone thinks that excessive cursing a stage that
preteens/teens go through?
Is it inevitable in this curseword-saturated culture?

The line I drew with my son (12 y/o) is that I can't or even shouldn't keep him
from media that has cursing (unless there is some other issue - but even there
I've been taking a rather permissive stance). However, he has to keep it out of
his conversation in the home, school, and scouts.

Which is pretty much the line reasonable adults draw in their own lives.

I even let him watch South Park with that caveat. Yes, I know some of the
content is strongly racy. He was into it for a few months, then the interest
wore off.

Banty

Banty wrote:

The line I drew with my son (12 y/o) is that I can't or even
shouldn't keep him
from media that has cursing (unless there is some other issue - but
even there
I've been taking a rather permissive stance). However, he has to
keep it out of
his conversation in the home, school, and scouts.

Which is pretty much the line reasonable adults draw in their own
lives.

I even let him watch South Park with that caveat. Yes, I know some
of the
content is strongly racy. He was into it for a few months, then the
interest
wore off.

Banty

We had the five-year rule. If you're hanging out with people over 5
years older or five years younger than you, no Playground Language.

It pretty much worked. They seemed to avoid shocking friends' parents
or our friends and their children.

I'm the one that has to be careful, actually. People always look more
shocked when I use language than when my kids do...

Rupa

In article ,
Sidheag McCormack wrote:

Rupa writes:

We had the five-year rule. If you're hanging out with people over 5
years older or five years younger than you, no Playground Language.

Oh, I like that. That sounds like a good easy-to-understand rule to make
sure they can talk without swearing in contexts that demand it without
trying to forbid them to swear in their peer-group (which seems to me
pointless). Might start with a smaller window, if necessary.

Sidheag, filing this one away for later use
DS Colin Oct 27 2003


As my kids entered their teens, and we knew the language they used with
their friends, we just reminded them not to use certain words when
grownups were present. They seemed to understand without being told
that they should ALSO not use it when children were present.

I loved picking up a car full of teens after a weekend conference.
They'd start talking, and one of *my* kids was likely to say, "Watch
your language; there's grownups present."

I have found that the teens and tweens in my world seem pretty good
about only using that language with others of their own age.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

Kids learn behavior and language from others whom they hang around
with. They play with decent and popular kids, they mimic them.