Last names in kids'

Does anyone know or have any publications, articles, books, etc. about
children having identity issues with growing up with a different last name
than their parent? I am a single mother who has a two year old, and I was
divorced when I had my son. I wanted to keep my maiden name, but the
attorney said that the child should have the same name as me....so I kept it.
I want to go to my maiden name and the father is refusing....I want my son to
have my same last name....and feel that since we were divorced it was my
right to put/give my son whatever last name I wanted...anyone have
information on how different names can effect children in school?

On Dec 3, 1:36 pm, "sfilo7" u39582@uwe wrote:
Does anyone know or have any publications, articles, books, etc. about
children having identity issues with growing up with a different last name
than their parent? I am a single mother who has a two year old, and I was
divorced when I had my son. I wanted to keep my maiden name, but the
attorney said that the child should have the same name as me....so I kept it.
I want to go to my maiden name and the father is refusing....I want my son to
have my same last name....and feel that since we were divorced it was my
right to put/give my son whatever last name I wanted...anyone have
information on how different names can effect children in school?

First of all, you can change YOUR name back to your maiden name if you
wish. You certainly don't need permission from your child's father.
But most likely both parents have to agree to changing the child's
last name.

I don't know why your attorney said that your son should have the same
last name as you. There are plenty of families (single parents,
married
parents) where the child doesn't have the same last name as one of the
parents. I know one family where the mom didn't change her name upon
marriage and they have boy-girl twins. The girl has her mom's last
name
and the boy has his dad's last name.

I don't think a battle to change your son's last name is worth
fighting.
I think you're looking for ammunition to somehow show your son will be
damaged if you change your name back and he keeps his dad's
name but I don't think you'll find it. Your role as mom is not
lessened
by what last name your son has.

-- Zip

sfilo7 wrote:
Does anyone know or have any publications, articles, books, etc. about
children having identity issues with growing up with a different last name
than their parent? I am a single mother who has a two year old, and I was
divorced when I had my son. I wanted to keep my maiden name, but the
attorney said that the child should have the same name as me....so I kept it.
I want to go to my maiden name and the father is refusing....I want my son to
have my same last name....and feel that since we were divorced it was my
right to put/give my son whatever last name I wanted...anyone have
information on how different names can effect children in school?

It doesn't matter, pure and simple. Lots of children
have different last names from one (or both) of their parents
as a result of all sorts of situations. If your last name differs
from your child's, you'll get a reasonable number of people making
mistakes and calling you by your child's last name, but that's
hardly the end of the earth. You can just correct them and
move on (no explanations necessary).
You certainly have the right to change your name to
whatever you please, but changing your name doesn't necessitate
changing your child's. I don't think you'll be able to use
the argument that it will somehow damage your child to have
a different name as a way to strong-arm your ex into agreeing
with the name change.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"sfilo7" u39582@uwe wrote in news:7c2558b8ec704@uwe:

Does anyone know or have any publications, articles, books,
etc. about children having identity issues with growing up
with a different last name than their parent? I am a
single mother who has a two year old, and I was divorced
when I had my son. I wanted to keep my maiden name, but
the attorney said that the child should have the same name
as me....so I kept it. I want to go to my maiden name and
the father is refusing....I want my son to have my same
last name....and feel that since we were divorced it was my
right to put/give my son whatever last name I
wanted...anyone have information on how different names can
effect children in school?

you were divorced when you had the kid? why didn't you just
give him your (maiden) last name at that time then? even if
you hadn't changed your name back, you can give your child
*any* name, first, middle & surname, that you choose. it
doesn't have to be your or your husband's surname at all.
so, you gave him his father's surname & now you want to
change it two years later? why? you can certainly change your
name back to your maiden name without changing your son's, if
your husband objects. it won't matter one bit to the child.
my son has his fathers surname instead of mine, because i
didn't think mine went well with his given name. i sometimes
get called Mrs. Xxxx. i simply smile & correct the speaker, as
i am not either a Mrs. or an Xxxxx
i have friends whose older daughter has a completely
different surname than either parent or her siblings, because
her parents planned to change both their surnames when they
got married... but things didn't quite work out that way & one
kid has a different name. oh well.
lee

On Mon, 03 Dec 2007 18:36:00 GMT, "sfilo7" u39582@uwe wrote:

Does anyone know or have any publications, articles, books, etc. about
children having identity issues with growing up with a different last name
than their parent? I am a single mother who has a two year old, and I was
divorced when I had my son. I wanted to keep my maiden name, but the
attorney said that the child should have the same name as me....so I kept it.
I want to go to my maiden name and the father is refusing....I want my son to
have my same last name....and feel that since we were divorced it was my
right to put/give my son whatever last name I wanted...anyone have
information on how different names can effect children in school?

Well, whether you feel you had the right to give your son whatever
name you wanted when he was born, it's not worth the hassle 2 years
later.

My ds went through his entire school career with a different last name
than me (I went back to my maiden name after I divorced) and it had no
ill effects on him or me. So if you're seeking ammunition to toss at
your ex, sorry, none from me.

Nan

In article , Nan says...

On Mon, 03 Dec 2007 18:36:00 GMT, "sfilo7" u39582@uwe wrote:

Does anyone know or have any publications, articles, books, etc. about
children having identity issues with growing up with a different last name
than their parent? I am a single mother who has a two year old, and I was
divorced when I had my son. I wanted to keep my maiden name, but the
attorney said that the child should have the same name as me....so I kept it.
I want to go to my maiden name and the father is refusing....I want my son to
have my same last name....and feel that since we were divorced it was my
right to put/give my son whatever last name I wanted...anyone have
information on how different names can effect children in school?

Well, whether you feel you had the right to give your son whatever
name you wanted when he was born, it's not worth the hassle 2 years
later.

My ds went through his entire school career with a different last name
than me (I went back to my maiden name after I divorced) and it had no
ill effects on him or me. So if you're seeking ammunition to toss at
your ex, sorry, none from me.

"Sfilo7" - even if such evidence could be found, it could just as easily be
argued that you should not change back to your maiden name, as it is for you to
argue you should switch your child's name, too. Easier, in fact, as you're the
one proposing going through name changes.

Banty

On Dec 3, 1:36 pm, "sfilo7" u39582@uwe wrote:
Does anyone know or have any publications, articles, books, etc. about
children having identity issues with growing up with a different last name
than their parent? I am a single mother who has a two year old, and I was
divorced when I had my son. I wanted to keep my maiden name, but the
attorney said that the child should have the same name as me....so I kept it.
I want to go to my maiden name and the father is refusing....I want my son to
have my same last name....and feel that since we were divorced it was my
right to put/give my son whatever last name I wanted...anyone have
information on how different names can effect children in school?

Others have explained that your child having a different last name as
you should not cause a problem. Obviously you will still be his
mother.
There is also a positive argument to be made *for* the child to have
the same last name as his father. In general, the bonds between
fathers and their children are not as strong as those between mothers
and their children, and the custom of having children use their
father's last name is an attempt to bond fathers to their children. Do
you want to increase the chance your father will stay involved with
your son?

An excerpt from

Why should a baby get the father's last name?
Historians, scientists and legal scholars offer some explanation.
By Carol Lloyd
http://archive.salon.com/mwt/feature...mes/print.html

discusses these issues:

'But how do the nation-building origins of the surname shed light on
the personal choices made by modern couples?

"Inheritance laws, political bodies, surnames -- it's all about
compensating for men's inability to give birth," Stevens contends.
"The surname remains the only way of showing legitimacy. Without it,
there's no certainty that the kid has a legal father."

She also hazards a psychological hunch that women still want to
demonstrate that they've nabbed a man. "That's especially important if
women are keeping their own last names. It's ironic because keeping
one's maiden name is supposed to be feminist -- but it may ignite that
old anxiety about legitimacy."

But if it's all about legitimacy, why didn't any of the women I spoke
to offer that as an explanation? And why did so many of the stories
seem so different?

"It is interesting when you get many explanations for the same
choice," muses psychoanalyst Nancy Chodorow, author of the ground
breaking "Reproduction of Mothering" (UC Press). "One begins to wonder
what's going on unconsciously." In her current book, "The Power of
Feelings" (Yale University Press), Chodorow addresses this conundrum:
How many so-called "personal choices" often have internal and
unconscious meanings.

Like Stevens she feels that patrineal surnaming is about a woman
giving her child and its father a definite connection. But she casts
the choice in a more positive light. "[Giving the man's last name to
the child] can be a way of having a sense of two parents," she
explains. "It's also a way of trusting in the marriage -- saying,
'This is someone I can count on.' It's about enjoying the good parts
of being part of a family, of feeling somehow that this man is making
a commitment."

Yet it's interesting that traditionally, the man shows his commitment
to the child by giving his name, while the woman shows that same
commitment by giving up her own. Why are so many men still so attached
to their last names?

"Identification with the father," says Chodorow. "I don't think it's
any mystery. It's the classic "in the name of the father" -- in
Lacanian psychoanalysis. The mother has the baby in utero but the name
is how men get tied to their babies. The tie has to happen somehow
that 'This is my baby too.' If she's feeling generous, then this is a
way to show it."

Choderow also notes that many young feminists are choosing their
battles more carefully. "Women are making choices about where they
think it's important [to change] -- maybe they're focused on getting
men more interested in child care. They're also learning that every
time you do something that's traditional, it doesn't mean that you're
not a feminist."

Evolutionary biologist Helen Fisher doesn't dispute Chodorow's notion
of patrilineal naming as a linguistic umbilical cord, but she casts
the idea in biological terms. "It's tremendously advantageous to think
that the father belongs to [the mother and the child] for Darwinian
evolutionary reasons. The main reason for marriage is for women to get
a man to not only sire her children but to help raise them.

"Even in the age when women can be economically powerful, any way they
can build that connection with their husbands [means] they will win
VCRs and bicycles and college educations for their DNA."

She notes that studies have shown that mothers and their kin comment
more often that a baby resembles its father. "Evolutionary
psychologists ended up thinking that this habit is more than just
chance; it is a way of building that connection [between father and
child]," she explains.

Even with the high rate of divorce, the increasing economic power of
working women and the decline in marriage, Fisher doubts that the
prevalence of patrilineal naming will change any time soon. Why?
Because illegitimacy is not just a paranoid male fantasy.

"Studies of blood types in the 1940s revealed by accident that as much
as 10 percent of children were not the children of the man they called
father," she says. "They were not genetically related."

Paraphrasing from her recent book "The First Sex: The Natural Talents
of Women," she adds: "That's a huge percentage and women are deeply
driven to have their husbands think that a child is theirs because if
it isn't, he may not give resources or he may abuse the child."'

Hi --

So many children have so many different last names in school these days
that sharing a surname shouldn't make any difference whatsoever, as far
as I can tell.

--Beth Kevles
-THE-COM-HERE
http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the GMAIL one if you would
like me to reply.

On Mon, 03 Dec 2007 18:36:00 GMT, sfilo7 wrote:

Does anyone know or have any publications, articles, books, etc. about
children having identity issues with growing up with a different last name
than their parent? I am a single mother who has a two year old, and I was
divorced when I had my son. I wanted to keep my maiden name, but the
attorney said that the child should have the same name as me....so I kept it.
I want to go to my maiden name and the father is refusing....I want my son to
have my same last name....and feel that since we were divorced it was my
right to put/give my son whatever last name I wanted...anyone have
information on how different names can effect children in school?

My mom never took my dad's name, so her name was always different from
mine. I just thought that was how it was until someone questioned if they
were married once.

I never changed my name. I never bother to correct anyone who assumes I
have DH's name. In fact, I use it as my alias, but my kids know I don't
have his name.

If he were older, I'd say there would be damage in changing his name, as it
is his identity.

As a 2yo, he may not know the difference. Maybe it would affect him when
he's older having no connection with his biological father. I think there
might be security sharing his name, however obscure.

I agree with the others. I don't see what your attorney is talking about
WRT having the same names. It's never caused me any problems.

On Dec 3, 3:10 pm, Nan wrote:
On Mon, 03 Dec 2007 18:36:00 GMT, "sfilo7" u39582@uwe wrote:
Does anyone know or have any publications, articles, books, etc. about
children having identity issues with growing up with a different last name
than their parent? I am a single mother who has a two year old, and I was
divorced when I had my son. I wanted to keep my maiden name, but the
attorney said that the child should have the same name as me....so I kept it.
I want to go to my maiden name and the father is refusing....I want my son to
have my same last name....and feel that since we were divorced it was my
right to put/give my son whatever last name I wanted...anyone have
information on how different names can effect children in school?

Well, whether you feel you had the right to give your son whatever
name you wanted when he was born, it's not worth the hassle 2 years
later.

My ds went through his entire school career with a different last name
than me (I went back to my maiden name after I divorced) and it had no
ill effects on him or me. So if you're seeking ammunition to toss at
your ex, sorry, none from me.

Nan

I have to agree, that there are no ill effects on kids in relation to
last names. There are, however, ill-effects if the parents are
fighting. Save the battles for the big stuff that will happen later
on down the line--

Fill