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Shy teenager
Hello,
I have a 13 year old son in eigth grade who has stopped interacting with his friends almost completely in the last 8-12 months. I was shy as a child, and he always has been too but he always had a few friends that he did things with occasionally. At times, he's had close friends. He's not particularly good at sports. He's getting all A's and B's in school and I don't have to bug him much to do his homework. He's well behaved and healthy which makes me feel lucky! I am concerned about his dis-interest in friends. His friends would call and he wouldn't call them back. If we make him go to a friends house, he almost always has a good time but isn't interested in getting together more. It got to the point where I moved to another neighborhood where more of his friends live to make it easier for him to get together with them and it hasn't help. I've been a single Dad for 5 years and have my kids every other week. Get along good with their Mom. For a divorce, it's about as good as it can get. We're both caring and involved parents. Neither his mom or I are home in the afternoon (which I'm trying to fix too) so we can't really be here to push him to be with friends in the afternoon. When I am home, I try to do this but he's not interested. He really likes hanging out with his 10 year old brother. His brother has lots of friends and does sleep overs a lot and my older son would rather have him around (most of the time). Their mom thinks I should force him to go to his friends house. that may work, but doesn't seem right to me. He should want to be with his friends. In his free time he liked to play video games (esp renescape.com). He's a very 'straight' kid and I don't think he's gotten into anything bad on the internet or with friends. Any ideas? Is he just shy and maybe I should give it more time? He's starting high school next year and I want his experience with friends to be good. Thanks, Dad661 |
#2
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Shy teenager
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#3
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Shy teenager
On Mar 12, 10:49�am, toto wrote:
On 11 Mar 2007 22:45:22 -0700, wrote: Any ideas? *Is he just shy and maybe I should give it more time? *He's starting high school next year and I want his experience with friends to be good. Thanks, Dad661 Is this new? *Did it begin after the divorce? If it's not new and is just part of his temperament, I would not push it. *He may be one of those kids who really enjoys being alone and independent. * Does he have one or two close friends, but not like larger groups? *If so, he's probably just fine the way he is. If this is new or he seems to have *no* friends at all, then you may want to see if something has changed recently that brought this about. Are his friends beginning to be interested in girls and dating while he is less mature? *Are his friends into sports and he feels he isn't good at that? *Is he self-confident about his own abilities? *If not, perhaps a martial arts class would help his confidence. Good luck in sorting this out. -- Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the world that can be heard unless someone listens .. The Outer Limits I think I would ask whether something happened recently to make him withdraw completely. For example, has he become the brunt of some cruel jokes? Kids can be cruel and gang up together in a team mentality, even on something simple like him being a teacher's favorite and being a good student who won't give in to peer pressure, and I couldn't blame someone for preferring to be alone as a result of things like that. I know one of my best friends in school turned one of our disagreements into a huge battle to where she demanded our mutual friends chose either one of us. Thankfully, some people were not scared of her big mouth, bullie ways and remained friends with me. As we matured, however, some of the folks that chose her and her style came around to wanting to be friends again, but of course, we all know that type of thing comes with maturity. |
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Shy teenager
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#5
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Shy teenager
On Mar 12, 1:45 am, wrote:
Hello, I have a 13 year old son in eigth grade who has stopped interacting with his friends almost completely in the last 8-12 months. I was shy as a child, and he always has been too but he always had a few friends that he did things with occasionally. At times, he's had close friends. He's not particularly good at sports. He's getting all A's and B's in school and I don't have to bug him much to do his homework. He's well behaved and healthy which makes me feel lucky! SNIP Have you tried to talk to him about it? Sometimes, if you're just *there* with them -- watching a TV show, playing a video game, even cooking dinner, boys will open up in a way that they won't if you ask them a question directly. Have you also spoken to his teachers? How is he interacting with the other kids at school? Is he being picked on? Is he withdrawn? Is he engaging in inappropriate behavior? How is he doing with group projects? One thing that really struck me is that he enjoys hanging out with his little brother (and presumably with his brother's friends). 13 can be such a funny age. At 13, there are kids who are full-fledged teens, and there are other kids who are still little boys. Is it possible that your son is just a little behind the curve of his peers, so he really doesn't have all that much in common with them for the moment? I lost interest in a lot of my old friends at that age for just those reasons. I was secretly playing with dolls while they were having make-out parties and smoking. I wouldn't push him to see people whom he'd really rather not see. After all, it may turn out that he has excellent reasons for that! (Sex and drugs would not be unheard of at that age.) Instead, maybe you could encourage him to join a club, or participate in some activity where he could meet people with whom he would enjoy spending time. If you can't think of anything, maybe it could be a father-son activity, in which other father-son pairs participate. Good luck. Barbara |
#6
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Shy teenager
"Barbara" wrote in message oups.com... On Mar 12, 1:45 am, wrote: Hello, I have a 13 year old son in eigth grade who has stopped interacting with his friends almost completely in the last 8-12 months. I was shy as a child, and he always has been too but he always had a few friends that he did things with occasionally. At times, he's had close friends. He's not particularly good at sports. He's getting all A's and B's in school and I don't have to bug him much to do his homework. He's well behaved and healthy which makes me feel lucky! SNIP Have you tried to talk to him about it? Sometimes, if you're just *there* with them -- watching a TV show, playing a video game, even cooking dinner, boys will open up in a way that they won't if you ask them a question directly. Have you also spoken to his teachers? How is he interacting with the other kids at school? Is he being picked on? Is he withdrawn? Is he engaging in inappropriate behavior? How is he doing with group projects? One thing that really struck me is that he enjoys hanging out with his little brother (and presumably with his brother's friends). 13 can be such a funny age. At 13, there are kids who are full-fledged teens, and there are other kids who are still little boys. Is it possible that your son is just a little behind the curve of his peers, so he really doesn't have all that much in common with them for the moment? I lost interest in a lot of my old friends at that age for just those reasons. I was secretly playing with dolls while they were having make-out parties and smoking. Excellent point. If he is 13 in 8th grade, he is probably one of the younger kids in class. A lot of kids are 14 or 15. The other boys and girls in his class may be also be getting interested in dating, but he's not ready for this. As he gets older, this may resolve itself. I wouldn't push him to see people whom he'd really rather not see. After all, it may turn out that he has excellent reasons for that! (Sex and drugs would not be unheard of at that age.) Instead, maybe you could encourage him to join a club, or participate in some activity where he could meet people with whom he would enjoy spending time. If you can't think of anything, maybe it could be a father-son activity, in which other father-son pairs participate. Good luck. Barbara Excellent post. Speaking of drugs, are you sure that he isn't doing drugs? Becoming withdrawn is a symptom of doing drugs. Has he been abused or beaten up? (One risk factor for abuse is having a new man in his mother's life.) You said he gets good grades, doesn't excel at sports and doesn't have many friends. The word "geek" leaps out at me. I don't mean this in a negative way. Geeks are good. Bill Gates is a geek. A rich geek who is helping lots of people with his vaccines. If this is the case, he might not really know how to come out of his shell. Joining a club with others who like the things he likes would be good. There should be chess, computer, and other clubs. Also, when he's ready, if he doesn't find a sport that he likes, perhaps he could be a team manager and keep the records for a basketball or soccer team, if that is his thing. He might also become a cheerleader. I mean, there is a good boy to girl ratio on most cheer leading teams. Barbara said that some kids his age are like full teens and some are like younger kids. I think almost all teens are still kids, even if they act like full-fledged teens. Especially at his age. Jeff |
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Shy teenager
You said he gets good grades, doesn't excel at sports and doesn't have many friends. The word "geek" leaps out at me. I don't mean this in a negative way. Geeks are good. Bill Gates is a geek. A rich geek who is helping lots of people with his vaccines. Yet this same Bill Gates exploits non US nationals by underpaying them and getting away with it simply because it's more than they'd earn in their home country. Bill Gates earns 10 times as much each hour than most of his employees earn in a year, yes he does some philanthropic stuff, but it would be helpful if numerous employees weren't struggling to make ends meet. Anne |
#8
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Shy teenager
"Anne Rogers" wrote in message ... You said he gets good grades, doesn't excel at sports and doesn't have many friends. The word "geek" leaps out at me. I don't mean this in a negative way. Geeks are good. Bill Gates is a geek. A rich geek who is helping lots of people with his vaccines. Yet this same Bill Gates exploits non US nationals by underpaying them and getting away with it simply because it's more than they'd earn in their home country. Bill Gates earns 10 times as much each hour than most of his employees earn in a year, yes he does some philanthropic stuff, but it would be helpful if numerous employees weren't struggling to make ends meet. Anne You know, in general, I agree with you. If you were to say Dell, Nike, Reebok, Ford or many other companies that have employees overseas or outsource overseas, I would agree with you. Although people in India and other countries where Microsoft has offices get paid less, the buying power of the money the recieve and the standard of living is probably similar to life here in the US. Bill Gates actually earns thousands less than any of his employees. In fact, I think he is the lowest paid employee in the entire company. His annual wage is $1. Of course, he makes up for it on company stock. Of course, Bill Gates no longer runs the company. There has been a new CEO for a few years. Bill Gates spends a lot of time on his charity. Employees who are janitors and such may make a marginal living. However, I think the vast majority of employees, here in the US and abroad, make a living that is above the mean and median income for their area. If any of the employees have trouble making ends meet, I think it is rarely because the means are not adequate. I am not saying that employees can expect a life of luxury, however. In this particular case, I don't see why Microsoft shouldn't employ people who aren't in the US. Microsoft sells software to just about every country. I think it is only fair that he employees people in every country. In addition, Microsoft probably has nice offices overseas. And certainly Microsoft lifts the economies of the places where they employ people, whether it is in Washington or Hyderabad or Ireland. Anyway, in general I agree with you. In this particular case, I think Microsoft does ok. Jeff |
#9
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Shy teenager
"Jeff" wrote in message news:4mnJh.1905$Bi2.1023@trnddc01... "Barbara" wrote in message oups.com... On Mar 12, 1:45 am, wrote: Hello, I have a 13 year old son in eigth grade who has stopped interacting with his friends almost completely in the last 8-12 months. I was shy as a child, and he always has been too but he always had a few friends that he did things with occasionally. At times, he's had close friends. He's not particularly good at sports. He's getting all A's and B's in school and I don't have to bug him much to do his homework. He's well behaved and healthy which makes me feel lucky! SNIP Have you tried to talk to him about it? Sometimes, if you're just *there* with them -- watching a TV show, playing a video game, even cooking dinner, boys will open up in a way that they won't if you ask them a question directly. Have you also spoken to his teachers? How is he interacting with the other kids at school? Is he being picked on? Is he withdrawn? Is he engaging in inappropriate behavior? How is he doing with group projects? One thing that really struck me is that he enjoys hanging out with his little brother (and presumably with his brother's friends). 13 can be such a funny age. At 13, there are kids who are full-fledged teens, and there are other kids who are still little boys. Is it possible that your son is just a little behind the curve of his peers, so he really doesn't have all that much in common with them for the moment? I lost interest in a lot of my old friends at that age for just those reasons. I was secretly playing with dolls while they were having make-out parties and smoking. Excellent point. If he is 13 in 8th grade, he is probably one of the younger kids in class. A lot of kids are 14 or 15. The other boys and girls in his class may be also be getting interested in dating, but he's not ready for this. As he gets older, this may resolve itself. Really? When I was in 8th grade, kids were 13 or 14. 14 or 15 yo's were in 9th grade. Of course, nowadays, there is more redshirting. |
#10
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Shy teenager
"toypup" wrote in message t... "Jeff" wrote in message news:4mnJh.1905$Bi2.1023@trnddc01... "Barbara" wrote in message oups.com... On Mar 12, 1:45 am, wrote: Hello, I have a 13 year old son in eigth grade who has stopped interacting with his friends almost completely in the last 8-12 months. I was shy as a child, and he always has been too but he always had a few friends that he did things with occasionally. At times, he's had close friends. He's not particularly good at sports. He's getting all A's and B's in school and I don't have to bug him much to do his homework. He's well behaved and healthy which makes me feel lucky! SNIP Have you tried to talk to him about it? Sometimes, if you're just *there* with them -- watching a TV show, playing a video game, even cooking dinner, boys will open up in a way that they won't if you ask them a question directly. Have you also spoken to his teachers? How is he interacting with the other kids at school? Is he being picked on? Is he withdrawn? Is he engaging in inappropriate behavior? How is he doing with group projects? One thing that really struck me is that he enjoys hanging out with his little brother (and presumably with his brother's friends). 13 can be such a funny age. At 13, there are kids who are full-fledged teens, and there are other kids who are still little boys. Is it possible that your son is just a little behind the curve of his peers, so he really doesn't have all that much in common with them for the moment? I lost interest in a lot of my old friends at that age for just those reasons. I was secretly playing with dolls while they were having make-out parties and smoking. Excellent point. If he is 13 in 8th grade, he is probably one of the younger kids in class. A lot of kids are 14 or 15. The other boys and girls in his class may be also be getting interested in dating, but he's not ready for this. As he gets older, this may resolve itself. Really? When I was in 8th grade, kids were 13 or 14. 14 or 15 yo's were in 9th grade. Of course, nowadays, there is more redshirting. Kids graduate high school usually when they are 17 or 18. That makes them 13 or 14 when they are in 8th grade. But, if they were held back a year, that makes them a year older, 14 or 15. Of course, it depends on where they are. There's going to be a two-year spread. The youngest, if they turned 13 on Sept. 1, 2006 (beginning of the school year, which means started kindergarten just after turning 5), are just abour 13 1/2. So there are probably kids about 1 to 2 years older in the class, as well, with redshirting (holding kids back a year before starting kindergarten/first grade) and being held back later for academic reasons. That would graduate some kids when they are almost 20. Jeff |
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