I know I'm being a paranoid mom, but would this cause offense?

cjra wrote:

So, if your brother was to say "Just be extra cautious with that door
given the pool is there, as she's really fast and the boys might not
be so careful...." would you be offended?

Not so much, but I'm not easily offended. I might approach
it by saying something along the lines of, "Are you sure you want
to take Baby for the day? I know I'm exhausted at the mere thought
of chasing her all day on top of two boys. She's so fast and gets
into things so quickly, it wears me out just watching her in a
reasonably baby-proofed house, nevermind three kids with a pool
nearby. I know you want to spend time with her, but I really
hate to impose on you this way. This is your vacation, and chasing
after a baby all day is hardly relaxing!" I think that gives them
a heads up that she could be a handful to keep on top of without
necessarily implying that you wonder if they're up to the task.

Best wishes,
Ericka

In article , Banty says...

In article , Rosalie B. says...

cjra wrote:
.

I am terrified one of the boys will leave the door open, DD will scoot
out and be out by the pool (god forbid IN the pool) before they
realize it, esp if mom or dad are slightly distracted by the boys. I
asked DH to mention to them how quick she is, and to really be mindful
of that door because she's so quick. He said that would **** them off
and they'd say forget it and not keep her for the day, because I don't
trust them; that they raised kids, they know what they're doing. True,
except they didn't have 2 boys who are big enough to open a sliding
door and they don't have a pool at home with another almost toddler
about. BIL & SIL are both very conscientious, but also have a tendency
to get distracted by the boys, and if it wasn't for the pool I would
have no qualms about it.

Your husband knows your BIL and SIL better than you do, and if he says
it would cause offense, then it probably will. But if they then say -
OK then we won't keep her - that wouldn't be such a bad thing. Because
I agree with Aula - I don't see why they would want to have a baby for
a day while you are at work unless they just want to have the
experience of a baby girl. And it is no benefit to you or to the baby
whatever.

On thinking about this - I'd suggest that your husband didn't mention
the pool, but just say that you would rather she stay with her regular
routine during the day while you are at work.

I dont' think they would 'get' what's supposed to be meant by that. "Regular
routine" = "no pool" huh? Waaaay to obtuse.

OK maybe you meant to use that as an excuse for keeping the baby in her regular
daycare? OK, it's better than insulting folks, but they may see through it.

I don't see why folks are saying it's a mystery that they want the baby for a
day and why they should not want to want the hassle, though. Babies are fun,
and their youngest is just out of babydom himself, so they're certainly well up
to it and know what it's about.

I still think the best thing is to just take the day off and do something mutual
with them. Heck, maybe it's *their* way of saying "jee you're both gonna work,
OK, then maybe we can at lesat spend the day with ONE of you!"

Banty

In article , Ericka Kammerer
says...

cjra wrote:

So, if your brother was to say "Just be extra cautious with that door
given the pool is there, as she's really fast and the boys might not
be so careful...." would you be offended?

Not so much, but I'm not easily offended. I might approach
it by saying something along the lines of, "Are you sure you want
to take Baby for the day? I know I'm exhausted at the mere thought
of chasing her all day on top of two boys. She's so fast and gets
into things so quickly, it wears me out just watching her in a
reasonably baby-proofed house, nevermind three kids with a pool
nearby. I know you want to spend time with her, but I really
hate to impose on you this way. This is your vacation, and chasing
after a baby all day is hardly relaxing!" I think that gives them
a heads up that she could be a handful to keep on top of without
necessarily implying that you wonder if they're up to the task.


But might they not think it just the offer-and-refuse 'dance' you've described
before and just say "no NO don't worry about a THING, we'd just LOVE TO!" ;-)
It would be a good way to heads up them about the pool. But it probably
wouldn't make the worry any less.

Banty

Banty wrote:
In article , Ericka Kammerer
says...
cjra wrote:

So, if your brother was to say "Just be extra cautious with that door
given the pool is there, as she's really fast and the boys might not
be so careful...." would you be offended?
Not so much, but I'm not easily offended. I might approach
it by saying something along the lines of, "Are you sure you want
to take Baby for the day? I know I'm exhausted at the mere thought
of chasing her all day on top of two boys. She's so fast and gets
into things so quickly, it wears me out just watching her in a
reasonably baby-proofed house, nevermind three kids with a pool
nearby. I know you want to spend time with her, but I really
hate to impose on you this way. This is your vacation, and chasing
after a baby all day is hardly relaxing!" I think that gives them
a heads up that she could be a handful to keep on top of without
necessarily implying that you wonder if they're up to the task.


But might they not think it just the offer-and-refuse 'dance' you've described
before and just say "no NO don't worry about a THING, we'd just LOVE TO!" ;-)
It would be a good way to heads up them about the pool. But it probably
wouldn't make the worry any less.

Right--but everyone understands that dance, and it's not
offensive. Nevertheless, the warning about her being fast and
the concern about the pool are slipped in without making too
many waves. Since we're starting from the presumption that
these are responsible folks whom the parents just want to clue
in about the potential risks, raising the issue in a friendly,
non-offensive way should do the trick. And, if somehow they
made the offer before realizing or thinking through that this
is a mobile baby who's not just going to lie around and coo the
whole time, it could give them a face-saving way to back out.

It strikes me that another possibility is to offer
them any equipment they might need. E.g., "Would you like
the port-a-crib so you've got someplace safe to stash her
when the door to the pool is open or you need to chase the
boys?"

Best wishes,
Ericka

Best wishes,
Ericka

On Jul 1, 7:00 am, "Aula" wrote:
"cjra" wrote in message

oups.com...





BIL & SIL will be visiting soon and want to take DD during the day
while here. I said sure. However, they're staying in a hotel, with
sliding doors that open onto a patio that leads to a pool - no other
fencing between the sliding door and the pool. I know *they* would be
careful, however they have 2 boys, 4 &7 who are not so mindful of
things. They're kids. DD doesn't walk yet, but she scoots and does so
really fast. now, if she was walking or even crawling I think it'd be
more obvious, but her ability to move is misleading - she's a lot
faster than you'd think.

I am terrified one of the boys will leave the door open, DD will scoot
out and be out by the pool (god forbid IN the pool) before they
realize it, esp if mom or dad are slightly distracted by the boys. I
asked DH to mention to them how quick she is, and to really be mindful
of that door because she's so quick. He said that would **** them off
and they'd say forget it and not keep her for the day, because I don't
trust them; that they raised kids, they know what they're doing. True,
except they didn't have 2 boys who are big enough to open a sliding
door and they don't have a pool at home with another almost toddler
about. BIL & SIL are both very conscientious, but also have a tendency
to get distracted by the boys, and if it wasn't for the pool I would
have no qualms about it.

I am super anal about pool safety, having grown up with a pool and a
father who drilled it into us. Our pool had a high fence and gate and
we were under strict guidelines about when/how it could be used.

With my own siblings, I could say that. They might roll their eyes at
my paranoia, but I'd still say it. However they also are all super
anal about pool safety.

So, if your brother was to say "Just be extra cautious with that door
given the pool is there, as she's really fast and the boys might not
be so careful...." would you be offended?

I do realize I'm being paranoid - I love the water and I want DD to
have a healthy respect for it. So I'm not anti-pool, I just fear
people who haven't had as much exposure to pools in such a setting
might not be so aware (that said, BIL is a swimmer, it's not like he
has no knowledge of pools, but there's a big difference from a highly
controlled environment like an athletic club pool and a pool in a home
setting).

You know, maybe I don't understand their motivation, but there is no
'visiting' with an infant. Your DD is going to be doing her infant trying
to be mobile thing, is not a conversationalist at this stage, and napping
and sleeping. Why would they want to borrow a baby for a whole day when you
have perfectly adequate carers who know here and are set up for dealing with
a child that age? Maybe they want to relive the baby thing, I don't know,
but there is no real visiting involved here, and if I've understood most day
care situations in the US you are still paying for that day of care you
didn't use, so there is no help to you. Personally, even knowing I might
upset husband, I'd push for the baby to go to the carer for the day and they
can visit with you all when you're not at work. While they are visiting
they can hold the baby and such, but really, unless they are into diaper
changing and burping, they'll get their enjoyment without the worries over
the pool issue. But, then there is that part about talking with your hubby
to help him understand so he can then translate to them. Good luck. It
is too bad their visit has to create stressors like this, I'm sure they
don't intend to.

Unfortunately the visit is a big stress, because it's the absolute
worst time of the year for DH. Next year would be ok...but they said a
year ago "We're coming to visit next summer." Now, they hadn't booked
anything at that point, but it's a major trip and DH didn't feel right
asking them to wait another year, but it's at a real crunch time for
him with work - and it's not just *his* work, but the work of multiple
institutes that's affected. Normally he'd be doing 16 hr days during
this stuff, but he's trying desperately to get other people to work
around things.

Anyway, I can understand why they want to visit with DD. They live in
Europe and won't see her often. They want every opportunity possible
for her to get to know them. I fully understand that. Yes, we pay for
daycare, but that's not a big deal. I _want_ DD to get to know her
cousins and aunt/uncle. Similarly, my sister and her 3 teens will be
visiting for a couple of days next week, and she's asked to take DD
for one day for the same reason. My mom has come for a week and we've
taken her out of daycare just so they could hang out. It really does
make a difference. That part doesn't bother me.

On the plus side, BIL & SIL also have a 12 yr old daughter who is not
likely to let DD out of her arms, let alone her sight, so it may all
be moot. (Similarly, my sister's 15 yo daughter will do the same when
she is here) There's just this nagging feeling in my stomach, worrying
about the one moment the 12 yo may NOT have her....

On Jul 1, 8:01 am, Rosalie B. wrote:
cjra wrote:

.



I am terrified one of the boys will leave the door open, DD will scoot
out and be out by the pool (god forbid IN the pool) before they
realize it, esp if mom or dad are slightly distracted by the boys. I
asked DH to mention to them how quick she is, and to really be mindful
of that door because she's so quick. He said that would **** them off
and they'd say forget it and not keep her for the day, because I don't
trust them; that they raised kids, they know what they're doing. True,
except they didn't have 2 boys who are big enough to open a sliding
door and they don't have a pool at home with another almost toddler
about. BIL & SIL are both very conscientious, but also have a tendency
to get distracted by the boys, and if it wasn't for the pool I would
have no qualms about it.

Your husband knows your BIL and SIL better than you do, and if he says
it would cause offense, then it probably will. But if they then say -
OK then we won't keep her - that wouldn't be such a bad thing. Because
I agree with Aula - I don't see why they would want to have a baby for
a day while you are at work unless they just want to have the
experience of a baby girl. And it is no benefit to you or to the baby
whatever.

Actually, just seeing how DD was with my mom on her second visit,
having spent a week with her before (initially at 3.5 months and again
at 7 months), I think it is a benefit to baby. She recognized my mom -
at least she seemed to sense a familiarity. She was wary of other
strangers but not my mom. Living far away from all our family, I do
think it's good for her to have as much exposure to them as possible.

But yeah, it doesn't really do much for me

On Jul 1, 8:36 am, Banty wrote:
Maybe a way around this would be "no no, WE'D love to take YOUR BOYS for the
day! No, don't mention it, we'd love it" :-) Or, take the day(s) off make
plans for mutual outings while they're here.

hahaha. I should say, we HAVE offered that in the past, esp when they
visited here last time we said "Take one night for dinner by
yourselves, we'll take care of the kids" (they also have a 12 yo
daughter). They said NO WAY. Absolutely not. Now, they argue they
don't want to put us out. No matter how much we insist it's not
putting us out, they've refused. Even offers to help by holding a
screaming kid, who was screaming more and more because both mom and
dad were super stressed were strongly turned down....

We will take both weekends with them, and many evenings. Unfortunately
I can't take a day off as I've just started a new job and have no
vacation time.

It's at the sacrifice of a days or so work, but since this is all about
who-watches-baby to begin with, if one or the other parent (or both) take the
time off, this all should go away. So that's IMO the solution. No feelings
hurt, no worries about baby. And more fun with the inlaws to boot. (Unless
they're visiting for a long time, wouldn't time be taken off work anyway?)

They're here for 2 weeks...as I said in another post, it's a bad time
for DH, and though he'll try to take a few hours here and there, it's
going to be rough. And my job simply doesn't allow it (what few hours
comp time I've already accrued I need to save for taking DD to her
next 2 doctor's appts).

On Jul 1, 9:07 am, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
cjra wrote:
So, if your brother was to say "Just be extra cautious with that door
given the pool is there, as she's really fast and the boys might not
be so careful...." would you be offended?

Not so much, but I'm not easily offended. I might approach
it by saying something along the lines of, "Are you sure you want
to take Baby for the day? I know I'm exhausted at the mere thought
of chasing her all day on top of two boys. She's so fast and gets
into things so quickly, it wears me out just watching her in a
reasonably baby-proofed house, nevermind three kids with a pool
nearby. "

heh, our own house isn't even baby-proofed....I'm even a little
concerned about them watching her here just because they are not
already aware of the dangers - not typical house dangers (renovation
stuff). WE are very cautious with where DD goes, we never leave her in
a room unattended, etc, because we know the risks. Someone unfamiliar
may not. But the pool thing does freak me out.

I know you want to spend time with her, but I really
hate to impose on you this way. This is your vacation, and chasing
after a baby all day is hardly relaxing!" I think that gives them
a heads up that she could be a handful to keep on top of without
necessarily implying that you wonder if they're up to the task.

Alas, they would be HUGELY disappointed. Also, they have a 12 yo
daughter who has been so incredibly anxious for this holiday just so
she can spend every moment possible with DD. Now, because of her I am
actually not as stressed as I otherwise would be. She likely won't
even put DD down, and she'd ignore her little brothers no matter how
nuts they were going.... The boys are good kids, the older one listens
well, the younger not so much but he's 4. The problem is things
quickly escalate with them, and when the 4 yo misbehaves, even a minor
infraction, the parents get so focused on him (and usually the older
one is stuck involved too) all else disappears. Having the 12 yo niece
there should help, and we will remind her to be extra cautious, but I
know she can't hold her 100% of the time, no matter how much she'd
like to ;-)

In article .com, cjra says...

On Jul 1, 8:36 am, Banty wrote:
Maybe a way around this would be "no no, WE'D love to take YOUR BOYS for the
day! No, don't mention it, we'd love it" :-) Or, take the day(s) off make
plans for mutual outings while they're here.

hahaha. I should say, we HAVE offered that in the past, esp when they
visited here last time we said "Take one night for dinner by
yourselves, we'll take care of the kids" (they also have a 12 yo
daughter). They said NO WAY. Absolutely not. Now, they argue they
don't want to put us out. No matter how much we insist it's not
putting us out, they've refused. Even offers to help by holding a
screaming kid, who was screaming more and more because both mom and
dad were super stressed were strongly turned down....

We will take both weekends with them, and many evenings. Unfortunately
I can't take a day off as I've just started a new job and have no
vacation time.

It's at the sacrifice of a days or so work, but since this is all about
who-watches-baby to begin with, if one or the other parent (or both) take the
time off, this all should go away. So that's IMO the solution. No feelings
hurt, no worries about baby. And more fun with the inlaws to boot. (Unless
they're visiting for a long time, wouldn't time be taken off work anyway?)

They're here for 2 weeks...as I said in another post, it's a bad time
for DH, and though he'll try to take a few hours here and there, it's
going to be rough. And my job simply doesn't allow it (what few hours
comp time I've already accrued I need to save for taking DD to her
next 2 doctor's appts).

OK, so you're stuck pretty much.

I think Ericka had good suggestions.

Banty

On Jul 1, 12:00 am, Vickie wrote:
On Jun 30, 9:51 pm, cjra wrote:





On Jun 30, 11:46 pm, Vickie wrote:

Go for it. Say what you need to say. I don't care how anal you are,
or that they have raised kids. People tend to forget things. And yes
7yo and 4yo do have a tendency to leave doors (any doors) open, so
there is cause for concern.
If they get bent out of shape over it, too bad. If my SIL reminded me
of something, even if I knew about it, I would in no way get ****ed.
I would want to do everything to reassure her that I would handle it
and understand her.

As for hubby, he should always be on your side of things. If he has
to be the one to clue them in, tell him to use you as an excuse.

There is somewhat of a language barrier (their english is tolerable
but not great, my french is hopeless, so anything important I let DH
communicate). He thinks I'm being paranoid, but he also knows how
extra sensitive his brother and SIL are.

*My
wife tends to be very worried about pools and kids. We know how
responsible and how great you have raised the boys, but just a
reminder, baby is quick and if the boys run outside without shutting
the door, you know baby will be right there with them and in that
pool.* End of story, you said your peace, it is at the forefront of
their mind now.

yeah, I have told him to use me as the 'paranoid new mom' and blame it
all on me...

Really, what would be the point of getting a nice break with your
husband if you are going to spend the time feeling anxious about your
babes welfare.

heh, we're not even getting a break. They'll take her while we're at
work, so our daycare provider is getting the break ;-). They mainly
want to take her so they can spend some time with her.

Oh man! Too bad. Parents of little ones always need some couple
time.

They are honestly that sensative? That just seems absurd to me.

Honestly, I am not sure. DH says they are. BIL can be at times, but I
also wonder if DH *thinks* BIL is that sensitive when really he
isn't.... last time we visited something came up and DH was convinced
it was because they were mad about some perceived slight from the last
visit and he was so worried about it. Turns out, all was fine. If they
were slighted before, that had nothing to do with the issue - which
turned out to be a non-issue - on the next trip. So it could be DH's
own perception that is off. We have somewhat of a language barrier
(their english is sufficient, but we miss the subtleties in
communication).

You
do what you think is right. Better to make them a little miffed then
regret your decision if something goes wrong. Not that I think it
will, but you need to say your peace to have your peace. I would even
go so far as look up words for pool, worried, and boys need to shut
the doors. Smile when you say it and laugh at yourself by doing it.
How can they be mad at that? And you are still getting your point
across.


I think that's it - I need to say my peace to have my peace. So I will
use that argument with DH ;-). I am happy to be blamed as the over-
protective paranoid first time mom and they can all make fun of me...

Best of luck,
Vickie- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -