postnatal visitors

I had that problem too after when my son was born, but then I had made it
CRYSTAL clear to everyone I know that I didn't want any visitors until I was
"ready" for them. I lived with my mother-in-law then, and she just dealed
with most of the people who called who wanted to visit. I think I didn't
start having visitors until my little one was 3 weeks old and most didn't
have a chance to come and see him until he was post a month. But you really
have to let them know that you just don't feel well enough to have visitors
yet, and if you really don't feel up to it, don't let them come!
Good luck!
Bessie

"Abi" wrote in message
m...
Hi,

I recently gave birth to a baby girl (just under 2 weeks ago), and I
have had a hard time trying to fight off visitors. It started when I
had only been home from the hospital one hour and someone turned up
unannounced to see the baby. Then friends and family asked to come
over every day since then, which I have let them do.
It just amazes me why they all act like starving men in a restuarant -
why cant they just wait for a few weeks - it's not as if I am planning
on leaving the country or anything. To make matters worse is that even
if I say I am not feeling well (I had mastitis with a high fever),
they still insist on coming over to see the baby. It's as if no one
cares about my feelings and whether I feel up to having visitors. For
once, I would like people to come through the door and ask me first
how I am feeling and then go and see the baby afterwards.
I expected those people who have had kids to understand, but they dont
seem to.

Abi wrote:

Hi,

I recently gave birth to a baby girl (just under 2 weeks ago), and I
have had a hard time trying to fight off visitors. It started when I
had only been home from the hospital one hour and someone turned up
unannounced to see the baby. Then friends and family asked to come
over every day since then, which I have let them do.
It just amazes me why they all act like starving men in a restuarant -
why cant they just wait for a few weeks - it's not as if I am planning
on leaving the country or anything. To make matters worse is that even
if I say I am not feeling well (I had mastitis with a high fever),
they still insist on coming over to see the baby. It's as if no one
cares about my feelings and whether I feel up to having visitors. For
once, I would like people to come through the door and ask me first
how I am feeling and then go and see the baby afterwards.
I expected those people who have had kids to understand, but they dont
seem to.

Apropos of this thread, I have to weigh in from
the other side. While I think that it's rude for people
to rush in and impose themselves early on, especially if
the new parents aren't feeling up to it, I think the
pendulum has swung awfully far in the other direction
with people closing their doors to everyone for weeks.
I understand there are some really pushy and annoying
people out there, but I just spent this afternoon
consoling a grandma-to-be who was sobbing at having
heard that her daughter wasn't even going to call
until it was all over because she didn't want anyone
around. This poor woman is the nicest, least pushy
person you'd ever meet (actually, truth be told, she's
a bit too much of a doormat). She hasn't even asked
to be in the delivery room or to stay at their home
or anything. She only wants to be in the hospital
and have a little peek at the baby after the birth,
and then she's willing to go home! She had a rough
birth with her only daughter, and she's scared her
daughter will have a rough birth and she simply wants
to be there in case there are serious problems, rather
than getting a terrifying call that there are
serious complications in the middle of the night
when she's a couple hundred miles away. But
no, somehow that's too much to ask. My heart just
breaks for her. Hell, she was at MY last birth, and
she was quiet and unobtrusive as a mouse. Now, she'll
spend the weeks around her daughter's due date
sad and scared. What a lovely way to become a
grandma, and what a nice way to treat your mother.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"Lil Nicky's Mom" wrote in message
news:Acclc.347205$Ig.191740@pd7tw2no...
I had that problem too after when my son was born, but then I had made it
CRYSTAL clear to everyone I know that I didn't want any visitors until I
was
"ready" for them.

Groan. I hate this topic! because I am soo worried. I have made it CRYSTAL
clear to everyone that I want people to be repsectful and wait - visitors
are welcome to come see the baby but ONLY on my terms. The 2 things I am
asking, (and by asking, I mean....telling) are this: First, I am simply NOT
telling anyone when I go into labor. I'm in charge of my family and my
husband doesn't want to call them anyway because they get on his nerves.
But, he is going to go against my wishes and tell his family who live 3
hours away, when I go into labor. They aren't going to rush here so that's
not too bad.. but my very firm rule is, NO visitors at the hospital at ALL
while I am in labor or for a few hours after having the baby. If nothing
goes wrong I know I will spending 2 nights at the hospital for a vaginal
birth, because my insurance covers it and I will have access to the
lactation consultants to help me establish breatsfeeding. So, people have
lost nothing by having to wait to see the baby. No way are they allowed when
I am in labor. I don't want them in the waiting room when the baby is born,
because they will want to pile in my room while I AM trying to work with the
lactation consultant and establish breastfeeding. No one in our familyies
have breastfed, and so no one can help- and they don't care if I am
succesful or not. They'd just rather me use formula, and they are not going
to want to leave the room so I can breastfeed on demand, and I am not
comfortable breastfeeding around them because of the way they are. So that
is the reasoning for that. Also, my mom inists she is entitled to be where
she wants to be at all times, regardless of my feelings. And even my husband
says that HIS parents are going to what THEY are going to do, not what I
WISH they would do. So, because of this, people are banned. I can't be in
pain, and have people aggravating me. My mom gets hysterical, and would bug
the nurses about the baby being healthy during labor etc. So....bottom line,
no people. I don't expect a problem with my family since I am not telling
them I am in the hospital until I am ready to have visitors and they can
come on right away then (BUT, they WILL leave the room for breastfeeding and
not stay long). I am worried more about my husband's family- my husband
doesn't understand that this has been hard on my body and I am not in the
mood for company when I am hurting. I don't have a problem if his parents
come AFTER the birth to visit, but I don't want them disrupting my house by
staying as houseguests etc and they too will need to excuse themselves to
the waiting room when I breastfeed. After all, I am new and learning, and
they would be NO help, only a hindrance.

And then for the week after the birth that we are at home I am NOT letting
people come for long. I am not saying no visitors but non-family can
CERTAINLY wait a week. And the close family will just have to respect the
way I feel and stay only for a SHORT while. But again, my situation is that
people will NOT be helping with anything, so having them around will be more
of a burden, and also this is my husband's only week at home for us to bond
as a family. People need to let him have the time and us have the time as a
family. I do NOT need the inlaws or my family, showing me how to bathe the
baby etc. They won't be helping with housework, so they need to just make a
short visit and then go away.

I am stressed thinking about it though because everyone feels entitled to
stay as long as they want to. If they won't leave at a reasonable time, I
will just take the baby into the bedroom and go to sleep. Oh my, if I end up
having a c-section or mastitis or something Id practically call the police
the get them out of my house!

I am different from others and it's a mix of personality and temperament,
and how I feel when I am sore or hurting, and also just a part of how the
people in my family act when they hang around etc. It's a mix of
everything...but I have to look out for me that week. Me, my husband and our
baby.

It's good to know exactly what you want in terms of visitors. I mean, I
called my husband's family and my family when I started going into labour
but then that's it. Since we were supposed to have our cell phones on at the
hospital, we "lost contact" with them until our son was born. And they
didn't even know which hospital I was in because we didn't tell them, so we
were too worried about them just storming in the middle of me going through
labour.
I didn't want any visitors while I was at the hospital at the beginning, but
then they begged and begged and promised they won't be a big bother to me
and will let me rest while they were here or else I could just kick them
out. I finally let them come on the second night and it worked out fine.
They took a few pictures, sat around and then left when I was getting too
tired.
I was really firm with the "no visitors until I was ready" rule when I got
home though. No one managed to get through the doors to see us until I was
letting them in. It felt good to know that at least there's still something
you can take control of (despite of the "chaos" with the new baby, breast
feeding and all).
Just stand your ground with whatever you feel comfortable. If they feel
offended by being turned away, that's too bad. They'll get over it.
Good Luck!

Bessie

"Jill" wrote in message
. com...

"Lil Nicky's Mom" wrote in message
news:Acclc.347205$Ig.191740@pd7tw2no...
I had that problem too after when my son was born, but then I had made
it
CRYSTAL clear to everyone I know that I didn't want any visitors until I
was
"ready" for them.

Groan. I hate this topic! because I am soo worried. I have made it CRYSTAL
clear to everyone that I want people to be repsectful and wait - visitors
are welcome to come see the baby but ONLY on my terms. The 2 things I am
asking, (and by asking, I mean....telling) are this: First, I am simply
NOT
telling anyone when I go into labor. I'm in charge of my family and my
husband doesn't want to call them anyway because they get on his nerves.
But, he is going to go against my wishes and tell his family who live 3
hours away, when I go into labor. They aren't going to rush here so that's
not too bad.. but my very firm rule is, NO visitors at the hospital at ALL
while I am in labor or for a few hours after having the baby. If nothing
goes wrong I know I will spending 2 nights at the hospital for a vaginal
birth, because my insurance covers it and I will have access to the
lactation consultants to help me establish breatsfeeding. So, people have
lost nothing by having to wait to see the baby. No way are they allowed
when
I am in labor. I don't want them in the waiting room when the baby is
born,
because they will want to pile in my room while I AM trying to work with
the
lactation consultant and establish breastfeeding. No one in our familyies
have breastfed, and so no one can help- and they don't care if I am
succesful or not. They'd just rather me use formula, and they are not
going
to want to leave the room so I can breastfeed on demand, and I am not
comfortable breastfeeding around them because of the way they are. So that
is the reasoning for that. Also, my mom inists she is entitled to be where
she wants to be at all times, regardless of my feelings. And even my
husband
says that HIS parents are going to what THEY are going to do, not what I
WISH they would do. So, because of this, people are banned. I can't be in
pain, and have people aggravating me. My mom gets hysterical, and would
bug
the nurses about the baby being healthy during labor etc. So....bottom
line,
no people. I don't expect a problem with my family since I am not telling
them I am in the hospital until I am ready to have visitors and they can
come on right away then (BUT, they WILL leave the room for breastfeeding
and
not stay long). I am worried more about my husband's family- my husband
doesn't understand that this has been hard on my body and I am not in the
mood for company when I am hurting. I don't have a problem if his parents
come AFTER the birth to visit, but I don't want them disrupting my house
by
staying as houseguests etc and they too will need to excuse themselves to
the waiting room when I breastfeed. After all, I am new and learning, and
they would be NO help, only a hindrance.

And then for the week after the birth that we are at home I am NOT letting
people come for long. I am not saying no visitors but non-family can
CERTAINLY wait a week. And the close family will just have to respect the
way I feel and stay only for a SHORT while. But again, my situation is
that
people will NOT be helping with anything, so having them around will be
more
of a burden, and also this is my husband's only week at home for us to
bond
as a family. People need to let him have the time and us have the time as
a
family. I do NOT need the inlaws or my family, showing me how to bathe the
baby etc. They won't be helping with housework, so they need to just make
a
short visit and then go away.

I am stressed thinking about it though because everyone feels entitled to
stay as long as they want to. If they won't leave at a reasonable time, I
will just take the baby into the bedroom and go to sleep. Oh my, if I end
up
having a c-section or mastitis or something Id practically call the police
the get them out of my house!

I am different from others and it's a mix of personality and temperament,
and how I feel when I am sore or hurting, and also just a part of how the
people in my family act when they hang around etc. It's a mix of
everything...but I have to look out for me that week. Me, my husband and
our
baby.

Subject: postnatal visitors
From: "Jill"
Date: 5/2/2004 4:46 PM US Mountain Standard Time
Message-id: m


"Lil Nicky's Mom" wrote in message
news:Acclc.347205$Ig.191740@pd7tw2no...
I had that problem too after when my son was born, but then I had made it
CRYSTAL clear to everyone I know that I didn't want any visitors until I
was
"ready" for them.

Groan. I hate this topic! because I am soo worried. I have made it CRYSTAL
clear to everyone that I want people to be repsectful and wait - visitors
are welcome to come see the baby but ONLY on my terms. The 2 things I am
asking, (and by asking, I mean....telling) are this: First, I am simply NOT
telling anyone when I go into labor. I'm in charge of my family and my
husband doesn't want to call them anyway because they get on his nerves.
But, he is going to go against my wishes and tell his family who live 3
hours away, when I go into labor. They aren't going to rush here so that's
not too bad.. but my very firm rule is, NO visitors at the hospital at ALL
while I am in labor or for a few hours after having the baby. If nothing
goes wrong I know I will spending 2 nights at the hospital for a vaginal
birth, because my insurance covers it and I will have access to the
lactation consultants to help me establish breatsfeeding. So, people have
lost nothing by having to wait to see the baby. No way are they allowed when
I am in labor. I don't want them in the waiting room when the baby is born,
because they will want to pile in my room while I AM trying to work with the
lactation consultant and establish breastfeeding. No one in our familyies
have breastfed, and so no one can help- and they don't care if I am
succesful or not. They'd just rather me use formula, and they are not going
to want to leave the room so I can breastfeed on demand, and I am not
comfortable breastfeeding around them because of the way they are. So that
is the reasoning for that. Also, my mom inists she is entitled to be where
she wants to be at all times, regardless of my feelings. And even my husband
says that HIS parents are going to what THEY are going to do, not what I
WISH they would do. So, because of this, people are banned. I can't be in
pain, and have people aggravating me. My mom gets hysterical, and would bug
the nurses about the baby being healthy during labor etc. So....bottom line,
no people. I don't expect a problem with my family since I am not telling
them I am in the hospital until I am ready to have visitors and they can
come on right away then (BUT, they WILL leave the room for breastfeeding and
not stay long). I am worried more about my husband's family- my husband
doesn't understand that this has been hard on my body and I am not in the
mood for company when I am hurting. I don't have a problem if his parents
come AFTER the birth to visit, but I don't want them disrupting my house by
staying as houseguests etc and they too will need to excuse themselves to
the waiting room when I breastfeed. After all, I am new and learning, and
they would be NO help, only a hindrance.

And then for the week after the birth that we are at home I am NOT letting
people come for long. I am not saying no visitors but non-family can
CERTAINLY wait a week. And the close family will just have to respect the
way I feel and stay only for a SHORT while. But again, my situation is that
people will NOT be helping with anything, so having them around will be more
of a burden, and also this is my husband's only week at home for us to bond
as a family. People need to let him have the time and us have the time as a
family. I do NOT need the inlaws or my family, showing me how to bathe the
baby etc. They won't be helping with housework, so they need to just make a
short visit and then go away.

I am stressed thinking about it though because everyone feels entitled to
stay as long as they want to. If they won't leave at a reasonable time, I
will just take the baby into the bedroom and go to sleep. Oh my, if I end up
having a c-section or mastitis or something Id practically call the police
the get them out of my house!

I am different from others and it's a mix of personality and temperament,
and how I feel when I am sore or hurting, and also just a part of how the
people in my family act when they hang around etc. It's a mix of
everything...but I have to look out for me that week. Me, my husband and our
baby.

Dang!

Jennifer from Colorado wrote:

I think so much depends on the relationships of the people involved.

I do agree, and should have said before that I'm
sure there are some people who have *earned* a ban on
visiting in the early days ;-) It's just that this *so*
isn't an issue in this case. The grandma-to-be is bending
over backwards not to be a bother, and has been nothing
but supportive and accepting during the entire pregnancy--
which the mom-to-be even admits.

My MIL was very upset that I initially did not want her and my FIL
waiting at the hospital (for reference, they live 15 minutes from
where I delivered, not a couple hundred miles as it is in the story
you are telling). We don't have the best relationship and it was very
strained by a lot of stuff that came up when I was pregnant (it was to
the point where I was in tears whenever we were going to see my ILs).
At the very least, I tense up when I am around her. I eventually was
convinced that I wouldn't care *who* was waiting around and told them
they could come. It ended up being a big mistake. I spent a large
chunk of my labor distracted and worrying about my MIL as she is a
worrier herself and things were not progressing as fast as we figured.
If I had it to do over again, we would have stuck with the original
plan, which was to call when the baby arrived and have them wait to
visit until we were settled in the post partum area.

I do think that one has a right to do what is
needed when there is a known problem. I don't feel the
least bit bad about keeping someone away who has proven
to be more a liability than an asset! At that point,
they've earned that sort of treatment. I also think that
no one has a right to demand to be in the delivery room,
because that just doesn't feel right for everyone. But
when there aren't those kind of problems, I don't see
the point in freezing out close relatives.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...
people out there, but I just spent this afternoon
consoling a grandma-to-be who was sobbing at having
heard that her daughter wasn't even going to call
until it was all over because she didn't want anyone
around. This poor woman is the nicest, least pushy
person you'd ever meet (actually, truth be told, she's
a bit too much of a doormat). She hasn't even asked
to be in the delivery room or to stay at their home
or anything. She only wants to be in the hospital
and have a little peek at the baby after the birth,
and then she's willing to go home! She had a rough
birth with her only daughter, and she's scared her
daughter will have a rough birth and she simply wants
to be there in case there are serious problems, rather
than getting a terrifying call that there are
serious complications in the middle of the night
when she's a couple hundred miles away. But

It's nothing personal on my end. I just don't want people to be standing
around when I'm in labor. Heck, I think I'd also want to be left alone on
my death bed. I don't want people seeing me vulnerable. I don't know why.
I don't want anyone there in case of serious problems except for DH. My mom
would make it worse because she's so anxious. I don't want anyone there
including sweetest grandma. However, I was lucky not to offend too many
people. My deliveries were so quick, there wasn't much time to notify
anyone. It bothers me that no one can understand why I want to be alone.
Apparently, I'm odd.

toypup wrote:


It's nothing personal on my end. I just don't want people to be standing
around when I'm in labor. Heck, I think I'd also want to be left alone on
my death bed. I don't want people seeing me vulnerable. I don't know why.
I don't want anyone there in case of serious problems except for DH. My mom
would make it worse because she's so anxious.

But out of curiosity, how would that affect you if
she weren't with you? I guess I don't see the difference
between someone pacing the halls in the hospital and
someone pacing the halls in their home. If it makes
someone feel better to pace the halls in the hospital,
why not indulge them? Obviously, there's a difference
if someone's going to be trying to worm their way into
your room or pestering all and sundry, but otherwise?
Now, I understand that you've got some
relatives who are practically certifiable, so perhaps
they have earned their way into not being welcome.
Outside of that situation, though, isn't there
something to be said for just doing something because
it makes someone else you love feel good? Especially
in a situation where they're not asking to do something
intrusive? When familial relationships are respectful
and supportive, is it so important to hoard every
precious newborn moment to one's self? (I don't mean
these questions personally--just putting them out there
in general to open the discussion, as I'm very curious
about people's reasons for feeling this way.)
I think even if I wanted privacy for labor and
delivery and didn't want to be entertaining in the days
after birth, I would still want to arrange *something* so
that family could see the baby as soon as possible, because
even though it's my baby, it's also *their* grandbaby, niece/
nephew/etc. and that's important too. There's just
something so very special about seeing a life so newly
arrived. I think we all respond to that at some level,
and we all feel terribly privileged to be even a small
part of that. I mean, if someone told you that you
couldn't see your baby for a week, you'd go wild, right?
No one would be able to convince *you* that it doesn't
make a difference whether you get to see your baby right
away or a week later. It's not quite the same or quite
as intense for grandparents, but that week still makes
a real difference.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
news
toypup wrote:


It's nothing personal on my end. I just don't want people to be
standing
around when I'm in labor. Heck, I think I'd also want to be left alone
on
my death bed. I don't want people seeing me vulnerable. I don't know
why.
I don't want anyone there in case of serious problems except for DH. My
mom
would make it worse because she's so anxious.

But out of curiosity, how would that affect you if
she weren't with you? I guess I don't see the difference
between someone pacing the halls in the hospital and
someone pacing the halls in their home. If it makes
someone feel better to pace the halls in the hospital,
why not indulge them?

I don't want anyone pacing halls anywhere.

I think even if I wanted privacy for labor and
delivery and didn't want to be entertaining in the days
after birth, I would still want to arrange *something* so
that family could see the baby as soon as possible, because
even though it's my baby, it's also *their* grandbaby, niece/
nephew/etc. and that's important too.

I didn't mind my family seeing the baby after it was born, just not the
second it was born.

"Ericka Kammerer" wrote
I do agree, and should have said before that I'm
sure there are some people who have *earned* a ban on
visiting in the early days ;-) It's just that this *so*
isn't an issue in this case. The grandma-to-be is bending
over backwards not to be a bother, and has been nothing
but supportive and accepting during the entire pregnancy--
which the mom-to-be even admits.


OK, what are the mom-to-be's ILs like??

We had to put up barriers for everyone because of a few people (remaining
nameless ;-) ) who would have been totally intrusive and yet don't
understand that my relationship with my mother, my grandmother and my sister
were stronger during pg and birth than they'd ever been and way stronger
than with anyone else other than DH.

They told all and sundry it was OK to visit us in the hospital, to the point
that when the staff nurse put a 24 ban on visitors for me, they refused to
call people to tell them that they couldn't visit. I was recovering from a
c/s with pph, was having problems bfing and had mild depression already. I
had to prise my daughter out of their hands so that I could bf her before
leaving the hospital (yes, they came to visit an hour before I was
discharged). It was all we could do to convince them not to back to the
house with us, that my sister was going to be with us for the first night
and all I wanted to do was *rest* (which I don't when they're around).

So when we put a total ban on visitors to the house for the first few days,
it was primarily for them. But, had they found out that other people had
been to visit in that time, there would have been a major upset.

Maybe the same is the case in your friend's situation and she just hasn't
picked up on it?

Jean