snappy comeback needed (venting, too)

In article ,
"Sue" wrote:

I don't have any real answers Sara, but I have experienced it too. I will
never forget the icy glare this new mom gave to me as my very exuberent dd3
had a tantrum in Meijers. DD3 is in the process of being tested for ADD also
and she is definitely your "spirited" child. It is heartbreaking that other
parents are not supportive of one another. All I can say is hang in there.

Thanks, Sue. His behavior is a kind of new development, so I guess I'll
get used to it as time goes by...
--
Sara
accompanied by TK, number two, due in April of 2006

In article ,
Banty wrote:


Saying "thank you" really does work. Woudln't you think the irony of it has
an
effect? You could say something like "is there any way I can help you?",
emphasizing the inappropriateness of the comment. But that may lead to
further
interaction.

It's like bad drivers on the road. What you want, in the end, is not to
'teach
them a lesson', it's to create as much space between you and them as one can
as
soon as one can. Which means minimal interaction.

I thought you had a good idea with just saying "thank you". Then you can go
home and write a letter to the editor

Thanks, Banty! Your car metaphor is a good one. When I was younger, if
someone was tailgating me I'd tap my brakes. Now I know to just slow
down gradually until they pass me, while smugly knowing that they're
much more likely to die in a flaming car wreck... It's not that I'm a
better person now, I just try to keep my evil thoughts to myself.
--
Sara
accompanied by TK, number two, due in April of 2006

In article .com,
"MsLiz" wrote:


Personally I have found that it often kills a mean person when you're
really, really nice to them :-) My not so nice mother taught me that.
Kill em with kindness.

Yup, I try to give them my biggest, most insincere smile. What are they
going to do, yell at me for smiling?
--
Sara
accompanied by TK, number two, due in April of 2006

In article ,
"Kim E" wrote:

"He's only 3 now, and we're raising him the best we can. We're
hoping by the time he's your age he'll have learned how to avoid
rude behavior such as staring at people and butting in to give
unwanted advice."


Hee hee! That's perfect. I won't use it unless it's a dire situation,
but I'll think it...
--
Sara
accompanied by TK, number two, due in April of 2006

I know exactly how you feel.

My middle child has a high functioning form of autism. He is a very
intelligent kid, and looks and acts quite normal most of the time, but
is EXTREMELY bothered by sensory stuff, and has major trouble with
change and transitions. He also has trouble reading non-verbal cues
(i.e. body language, tone of voice etc.). He tends to take things very
literally. The consequence of all of this can be major huge freak outs
- often in public. For example, even if you gave him lots of warning,
as a preschooler, if it was time to go home from someone's house or
stop playing with a toy, he'd be inclined to pitch a massive screaming
fit.

I can remember trying to deal with him at the park, the schoolyard, our
front lawn, the mall....and the withering looks and comments I got from
other people who clearly thought he was just an out of control monster
of a brat, and I was a complete wash as a parent.

Its incredibly hurtful. One of our neighbours really upset me many
times - she has two lovely, well behaved, entirely normal girls (very,
very low maintenance kids), and she used to make what I expect were
well meaning - but CLUELESS suggestions. Like, I think she thought I
was an idiot as well as a failure as a mom, and there was zero
discipline in our home. I mean, the kid had been to psychologists,
neurologists, pyschometrists, psychiatrists, psychologists and we'd all
been in therapy and support groups trying to figure out better ways to
manage his behaviours. Honey, did you think we hadn't tried every
strategy you could think of?

You get some sympathy if your kid LOOKS abnormal, but if your kid has
any learning or emotional problems due to chemistry or brain wiring, no
one cuts you any slack.

M.

"Anonymama" wrote in message
...
One of the many issues I'm dealing with right now, as we try to figure
out why my three-year-old has ADHD-type behavior, is other parents. I'm
really, really, really tired of disapproving glares and unsolicited
advice from strangers. I try to let it roll off my back, but sometimes
-- especially if they're people I see often, e.g. at the playground -- I
feel the need to say something.

What I want to say is "**** off, we're doing the best we can," but that
isn't really modeling calm behavior, is it? Instead I find myself saying
"thank you" and walking away (screaming child in my arms).

Is there a polite way to say "please don't judge my child by the way
your placid lump of a child behaves"? Or "not all disabilities are
visible, as you should know, you idiot"? Or "I spend every waking moment
dealing with this, please don't act like I'm the worst parent you've
ever seen"?


I've been thru the same thing, so I feel for you. I never did figure out
what to say to people in this situation myself. Oh heck, my kid is 9 and I
still struggle with this. I've gotten to the point that I just don't worry
about it most of the time.
BTW, are you having him looked at by an occupational therapist doing a
sensory processing evaluation? After a number of years of awful behavior
and terrifying problems with my child, we finally got a therapist that said
to me, this looks like a sensory processing issue. The OT agreed with that
after talking to my kid and looking at a long evaluation that I filled out.
Now that we have OT on a regular basis, my kidlet has settled down a lot
(though she still is quite challenging).

As the parent of an almost 20 year old ADHDer -- and we went through
the same crap you're going through when he was little -- I had several
replies handy.

For unsolicited advice (especially those who suggested snake oil
cures): "I'll mention it to one of the three highly trained
specialists who work with him. I'm sure they'll want to know about
such a wonderful, non-FDA approved product."

For nasty looks and comments: "Thank you for noticing my son has a
disability. Not everyone notices that not all disabilities are
visible." (said with a sweet, very fake smile) The other one I used
(if the other person had one of those 'placid lump' children with them)
was: "You've obviously had success working with a disabled child.
Would you be willing to help me with mine?" The reply invariably was,
"But my child's not disabled." At that point, I'd shoot back, "Well,
mine *is*, so please don't pass judgement on him or me. Thanks."

Yeah, they were snarky replies....but I just got to the point where as
much as I don't like being rude to people, I no longer cared. They
obviously didn't care about me or my child, after all.

And Sara....I will tell you this: It *does* get better. It might not
tomorrow. It might not for years. But it *will*.

I used to despair that my son (who was also academically gifted) was so
impacted that he wouldn't be able to manage even a 'you want fries with
that' job. Today, he's a sophomore majoring in mechanical engineering
in a selective university, living in a suite with 3 other guys,
managing getting around a major city alone. He's doing well
academically and most important of all, he's *happy*.

Leah
Mom to Stephen, 19 and Daniel, 15

Anonymama wrote:
One of the many issues I'm dealing with right now, as we try to figure
out why my three-year-old has ADHD-type behavior, is other parents. I'm
really, really, really tired of disapproving glares and unsolicited
advice from strangers. I try to let it roll off my back, but sometimes
-- especially if they're people I see often, e.g. at the playground -- I
feel the need to say something.

What I want to say is "**** off, we're doing the best we can," but that
isn't really modeling calm behavior, is it? Instead I find myself saying
"thank you" and walking away (screaming child in my arms).

Is there a polite way to say "please don't judge my child by the way
your placid lump of a child behaves"?

"Placid lump if a child"?

Now WHO is being judgemental? Sorry, I'll take my "placid lump of a
child" over your uncontrollable brat, anyday.

Sheesh.

-L.
(And she wonders why the kid's uncontrollable...)

In article ,
Anonymama wrote:

One of the many issues I'm dealing with right now, as we try to figure
out why my three-year-old has ADHD-type behavior, is other parents. I'm
really, really, really tired of disapproving glares and unsolicited
advice from strangers. I try to let it roll off my back, but sometimes
-- especially if they're people I see often, e.g. at the playground -- I
feel the need to say something.
snip
On second thought, I think I'll just start slapping people when my son
isn't looking. It would make _me_ feel lots better...

LOL, but it would be hard to cure your son of the habit later -- because he IS
looking!

TBH I find it strange that people shoot disapproving glares at you because
your 3yo is screaming. Don't lots of kids that age have tanties? Secondly,
I've usually found it pretty obvious when 'bad behaviour' arises from a
disability, and I don't think I'm terribly perceptive. Perhaps these
unpleasant people are just really, really thick?

I'd be inclined to look the helpful hints brigade straight in the eye and say:
"As a matter of fact I have 3 specialist appointments to assess him in the
next month/ 4 specialists working on his specific difficulties," or whatever
is currently going on. Keep looking them in the eye until you see the light
dawn, then walk off. You might feel this is too much like telling strangers
your private business, but from what I can see, every parent of a disabled
child becomes an activist, and this could be your starting point.

I suppose it's always possible that the helpful hinters are trying, in a
rather clumsy way, to be sympathetic, but you'd probably know that by their
manner.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

"In Melbourne there is plenty of vigour and eagerness, but there is
nothing worth being eager or vigorous about."
Francis Adams, The Australians, 1893.

"-L." wrote in
oups.com:


Anonymama wrote:
One of the many issues I'm dealing with right now, as we
try to figure out why my three-year-old has ADHD-type
behavior, is other parents. I'm really, really, really
tired of disapproving glares and unsolicited advice from
strangers. I try to let it roll off my back, but sometimes
-- especially if they're people I see often, e.g. at the
playground -- I feel the need to say something.

What I want to say is "**** off, we're doing the best we
can," but that isn't really modeling calm behavior, is it?
Instead I find myself saying "thank you" and walking away
(screaming child in my arms).

Is there a polite way to say "please don't judge my child
by the way your placid lump of a child behaves"?

"Placid lump if a child"?

Now WHO is being judgemental? Sorry, I'll take my "placid
lump of a child" over your uncontrollable brat, anyday.

um, no. it really isn't judgemental. some kids *are* placid
lumps. my nephew is, for example.
my kid has sensory integration issues, plus dyspraxia (an
autism spectrum disorder). he is better (at 5) of coping with
sensory overload now, but shopping with him when he was
younger was quite an experience.
i can easily compare him to my nephew as they are close in
age & i get to spend time with my nephew on a regular basis.
frankly, he's really boring after dealing with my kid...
i mean, yeah, it must be nice to have a compliant child that
actually sits & plays with toys or watches tv or sits in a
shopping cart, but you know, kids with disabilities are really
a lot of fun too (especially when they aren't in public &
suffering sensory overload).
i wouldn't call my kid (or any ADD kid i know either) an
uncontrolable brat. it's just that working with them is an
entirely different ball of wax.

(And she wonders why the kid's uncontrollable...)

he's not! but how we control our kids isn't the same as how
you control your placid normal kid. what works on a placid kid
will NOT work on ours & giving us the evil (& superior) eye
isn't going to help.
it's people (not you, i hope) that make public judgements
that have my 5 year old saying "my brain is broken, mommy"
thanks so much
lee

--
war is peace
freedom is slavery
ignorance is strength
1984-George Orwell