Attention and Fighting for Sue

You wrote:


While I have you here, lol can I pick your brain on some other matters?
You
can either email me or start another post if you like. I am sure with all
of
the experience you have with the kids, that you have encountered just
about
everything. What kinds of things do you do with competition for attention
from your kids? It seems that my three are going through a stage of
competing for my attention and just fighting like cats and dogs. What
kinds
of things do you do with the kids fighting. Jenny, my middle daughter is
suffering from middleitis and feels like she is getting the shaft on many
different things, but I try like crazy to make sure I give her as much
attention as the other two. Jenny is going through the not quite old
enough
to do certain things her older sister is doing and too big to be doing
some
of the things her little sister is doing. All I hear these days from all
of
them is that "it's not fair." The only thing that is difficult for me
right
now, is spending one on one time with each child. I know that has to
happen,
but it seems hard with their schedules and my schedule. Any suggestions on
any of this? Thanks Stephanie.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)


Okay, weird post titleg

Regarding one-on-one attention.

They don't need a lot every day, especially as they get older (barring
health issues and homework stuff). Your 3 are all old enough to deal with it
and I think that you're having more trouble right now because your husband
isn't home. It doesn't even matter if you did 99% of the daily stuff with
the kids while he's home, they want you to do 150% if he's not

I sort of do the butterfly thing with mine - I talk to one for awhile, go
sit by another and ask questions about the game he's playing or the picture
she's drawing or whatever. Now that the baby is walking pretty well, he's
more independent so I have more time to wander around. They also come see me
here at my sanity-saver (computer to some people) I also IM my older 3,
sometimes send them an URL to something I found that they might be
interested in or ask them what sounds good for dinner or something. That
makes it easier for certain of them to talk about personal troubles when
they can talk but not have to actually be in the same room and see the
reactions to what they're saying. Also gives time to think about what they
are saying instead of just giving in to the gut reaction

You don't need to run yourself ragged trying to give each of them time
alone, sometimes just a quick hug or "you okay?" in a moment of insanity
will let them know you're still there but can't stop doing whatever you are
doing. Ask each one to help you with different things - oldest can make the
biscuits or prepare veggies at dinner time, youngest can stir a sauce for
you, middle one can help you season the main dish. Same with laundry time or
cleaning the living room. One can collect all the books or dirty clothes,
another can sort stuff and another can put things away. It doesn't always
have to be the same "helper job" for each child each time.. Each gets a
chance to do something important with/for you and will end up learning a lot
too. Some of the best talks I've had with mine were while they shredded
cheese or something equally mundane. It's a nice non-threatening time for
them I think.

I have it easier since my kids are homeschooled and many their activities
are here at home or online, mostly due to where we live. Middle of nowhere
restricts the chances of too many things to dog For your family, the time
you spend with each one will sometimes be short - and sometimes it will only
be a moment in the middle of chaos (wait, that *is* just like my house!). As
they get older, it will be easier to take one at a time shopping with you or
something. That's when I get the most time with my 12 year old.. he'll come
shopping with me and even though I also have the baby and usually the 3 year
old too, he still feels like he has a say in what food we get and can talk
to me without the annoyances (6 and 8 year olds) listening in and repeating
everything they hear.

Fighting here is generally ignored unless it includes physical damage or
hurtful words. (not do-do or similar but things like fat, stupid, etcetera)
Those things require separation from each other, apologies, occasionally
being sent to bed early if I know they are tired and that's why they're
going over the limits. Keeping them fed and rested keeps most of the
fighting and such away but is hard to do some days.

Kids will argue, I'm positive about that. It doesn't matter how equal you
treat them, they will always think someone else is getting the better deal.
I think it's the human condition as I've not met anyone who didn't feel that
someone else was getting a better deal than they were! Minimize the damage
by trying to be fair overall but don't try to keep track of the day-to-day
amount of time and attention. You'll drive yourself crazy. Just like a
toddlers' diet evens out over the course of a week, so does the time you
give your kids. It should, at least. Sometimes one needs more and that is
the way it works..

I have no clue if any of that will help or not, but I hope so! I also hope
that some of the other people here who seem more organized and able to write
coherently will chime in and give some good responses

Stephanie (taking a break from moving the kitchen around)
mom to 7
17, 15, 12, 8, 6, 3 and 1

Stephanie J wrote in message
They don't need a lot every day, especially as they get older (barring
health issues and homework stuff). Your 3 are all old enough to deal with
it
and I think that you're having more trouble right now because your husband
isn't home. It doesn't even matter if you did 99% of the daily stuff with
the kids while he's home, they want you to do 150% if he's not

Well the good news regarding one on one time, is that I do sneak in ways to
be able to talk with them. Car rides are great for talking. Yes, I do think
things are magnified these couple of weeks because hubby is gone. Hubby does
most of the cooking and I didn't realize it, but I would use that time to
get homework done and talk with the girls. There are times when one or two
of the girls are helping daddy and I can give the other child some
attention. With me doing all of the cooking right now, I haven't had as much
time.

Fighting here is generally ignored unless it includes physical damage or
hurtful words. (not do-do or similar but things like fat, stupid,
etcetera)
Those things require separation from each other, apologies, occasionally
being sent to bed early if I know they are tired and that's why they're
going over the limits. Keeping them fed and rested keeps most of the
fighting and such away but is hard to do some days.

Okay, separation and time outs is what I have been doing when things get
really ugly. I do happen to think that eating and sleeping is the major
issues I have with Kara. I have suspected for a long time now that she is
hypoglycemic and her blood sugar goes to low. She also happens to need more
sleep, but fights it. I can put her to bed, but I can't make her sleep.

I have no clue if any of that will help or not, but I hope so! I also
hope
that some of the other people here who seem more organized and able to
write coherently will chime in and give some good responses

You have made a lot of sense and thank you so much for taking the time to
respond to me. Sometimes, I just need to see that I am doing the right
things. However, I have the hardest time with Kara and nothing conventional
I do works with her. It never has.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

On Wed, 2 Jun 2004 08:59:57 -0400, "Sue"
wrote:

With me doing all of the cooking right now, I haven't had as much
time.

Perhaps you can have one of them help with the cooking and
get some good conversation in while you cook?


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits